I don't want this divorce

[muhlissah]

I don't really know where to start. Short bio, I am 29 this is my 2nd marriage, I have a 7 year old from my previous marriage and an 11 month old from this one. We have been married for a year and a half. I guess for the last year and a half, well really, the last 3 years that we've been together, I've been living in a fantasy land. The reason I say that is because he's been unhappy pretty mucth the whole time. I had no idea. I mean yeah we had fights, but who doesn't? So, in January, the day of my dad's funeral, we get into a fight and he tells me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. All this happens while I'm getting ready for the funeral. I had to wait all day to talk to him about it because he was at work. He comes home and acts normal like the conversation never happened. When bed time came around he still hadn't mentioned it so I brought it up. He said he wanted to just forget the conversation never happend and have things go on as normal. Wasn't going to happen! We talked about it and he told me his issues which were that I am irresponsible with money and when he leaves the house I call him and nag him about coming home. Ok easy enough fixes. So we stay together and I start my changes but things never seem better.

 

February exacly a month later I found out that he had been looking at porn on the internet. Oh I forgot to mention that we hadn't been intimate during this time frame. We get into a big fight about the porn and he starts telling me how unhappy he is again. We talked, we fought, and then he tells me its over, he's done. I was devasted! The next day, the day before Valentines day, I email him from work and ask him to please think about working on our marriage and that I didn't want him to go. He responded telling me we would talk after work. He comes hom from work, gives me a box of chocolates and a card, gives me a hug and a kiss while he's crying and tells me he loves me and that was that, we were staying together. I was so happy. Things went great for the most part over the next two months. The only thing still off was that we still weren't having sex. I started brining it up and he informs me that he's not into me sexually anymore. He said it was a mental and emotional thing not physical. I figured that since he was unhappy so that made sense. Of course I never let it go and we fought and fought about until now, present day.

 

Over the last few months I started thinking my husband was having an affair, I just couldn't prove it. I would check his phone and find nothing. Our cell phone bill doesn't show phone numbers so I couldn't look at it. I questioned odd behavior but it was always "in my head" as he put it. Then I discovered that I could access the cell phone bill online but I couldn't figure out the password. Two weeks ago I had all the information I needed to change the password on the cell phone account online so I could look at the bill. And there it was, a number I didn't know showing up before and after work hours for 20 minutes or more at a time. I called it, a girl answered and all of my worst fears came true. He was having an "emotional" affair with a woman from work. He swears it never turne physical, but I don't believe him. The relationship went on for nearly 5 months and we hadn't had sex in that time.

 

Needless to say I'm devasted. He says he's not going to be with her. He has moved out so of course I don't know if that's true or not. Either way I guess it doesn't matter. He says he's done with our marriage. He says there is no fixing it, he's too far gone. He refuses counseling or any other efforts to fix it.

 

I don't know what to do. I am so in love with this man it is killing me that he is leaving. I honestly never thought he would do this to me. I never thought he'd cheat and I never thought he'd leave. We promised each other we were in it for the long haul. Everyone says it will get better, but when? I have cried everyday for two weeks. I'm tired of crying!!

 

The thing that gets me is in February when he said he was done but came back, he was already talking to her so why did he stay? Oh his answer to that questions is that i begged him to rething the divorce. I think that's a crappy excuse!

 

I know I've left out a ton of details but right now this is what is coming out. Feel free to ask questions.

[muhlissah]

I guess I should add that my ex husband cheated on me as well but we actually stayed together and tried to make it work, which it obviously didn't. How will I ever trust another man?

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

I know it hurts. It feels like a big part of you just walked away from your life. Like it's never going to get better, like there's nothing else to live for, etc etc. We all go through it and there's a lot of wise people here on LS who have gone through it, and share their experiences.

 

But after reading your story, the first thing that pops into my head is your kids.

 

Do this for your kids. I cannot imagine myself feeling as hopeless as one does when you go through a broken heart, if I had a kid. If I had a kid, I feel I'd REALLY have a purpose then, something to live for.

 

It's hard, and you're going to have to go through your grieving process. As painful as that sounds, do it for your kids. This man, as you said, has not been happy in this relationship and it kills to hear and know that yourself, but if he stays this way it'll only cause more problems. He'll cheat, the fighting won't stop, and if he's refusing to get help now (for the both of you), he's not going to. As hard as it may be for you to accept this, and even for him, deep down he doesn't want to be in this.

 

 

He might come back, true. But you have to be strong, you don't know what's going to happen. If he comes back and shows he REALLY wants to work things out, I suggest you try it. After all, you have a child together.

 

If I were you, at this point, I'd be thinking about my kids more than anything. And trust me, it will be a lot better FOR YOUR KIDS to be raised by an independent, strong single mother than parents who are constantly fighting and not getting along.

 

And please never forget, you can always come to LS for support, advice, or even just to vent. This website has done miracles for me.

[muhlissah]

I know there is no him coming back, he's made that very clear. And now with every thing that has been said and done it would never be the same if he did. I just need to figure out how to accept this and move on. I made the decision to stop "begging" him to come back. It was getting me nowhere and he just kept saying mean things. Its hard though. When I get into panic mode and I'm crying and crying I get the urge to call or text him, but I don't. I haven't begged him since Thursday which I believe was the 21st. I don't even think I've mentioned us getting back together once since then which is big for me. Usually every time we talk I mention it. I don't think its fair of him to just walk away and not try. He should want to try for his son. I just can't believe this is happening to me. I thought he was the real deal, he was my forever, boy was I wrong. And the thought of ever having to be with anyone else makes me sick and scares the hell out of me. How can I ever be with anyone else? I won't trust them and I'll always worry that I'm going to screw up yet another relationship. I don't care if I ever date again!!

 

As far as my kids go, they are the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I get to see my son every day right now and it helps me a lot. We laugh and play and for the time I'm with him I feel normal. When my husband and I get our visitation schedule established I will see my son just as much as I see my daughter, maybe a little more. I have my daughter 2 days a week and every other weekend and that is the schedule we will have with my son. I told my husband that I have to have my son when I have my daughter so they can see each other. The downside is that leaves me with 2 days a week and every other weekend of being completely alone which is scary. I've never spent a night away from my son and that thought is torturing me. My husband said starting out he'll only keep him 2 nights a week until I'm ready for him to have him more. Will I ever be "ready"?

[twicebitten]

I'm sooo sorry for your sitch!!

 

But with your son soo young, why would he be permitted to be with your H so often!?? I see tht you're in OK, but here in MI it's more standard for babies/toddlers (even some older children) to be with the non-custodial parent 1 nite a week and every other weekend! Do you HAVE to have 50/50 custody there!??

 

PLEASE take care of YOU!!

 

XO - TB -

[muhlissah]

Well we haven't been to court or anything yet. This is all still new. From what I've been told the courts here don't really grant sole custody anymore unless you can prove one parent unfit. I don't know what they do with babies. I don't want to keep my husband from my son though. He sees him every day right now. He is only living a block away so he has been coming to the house to see him every evening and he picks him up every morning to take him to daycare. We haven't started the official arrangements yet. I guess I could always call an attorney on Tuesday and see what they say. Either way I'm not going to keep him from seeing my son. I want him to be an active part of his life.

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

It's good that you want him to be an active figure in his life. It's important to have a father figure. I can't give any advice about legal rights or custody, considering the fact I'm not very experienced with all that, sorry. But the advice I CAN give you is you HAVE to be strong for your son. I know it's hard, but believe me the better you behave and the stronger you are (even if it's just acting at first), the better it will all be after all this is over. You'll be so proud of yourself and you'll be a strong, independent woman. Don't cause problems with your ex, be mature about everything and keep cool. But don't be a push over. It'll pay off so much in the end. And the better you deal with everything, the more your son will look up to you as he grows up. Be the best parent you can be, and everything will fall into place. Always be there for him, be understanding and ACCEPTING as he grows up. Just be an amazing mother. You'll find yourself overtime to be completely over your ex, and you'll be someone your son can look up to for being strong and someone he'll always go to. And you'll find a man who'll treat you right, respect your past, and stick with you in the future. THROUGH THICK AND THIN.

 

I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE things will get better for you. Hang on tight, and I can't say "Be strong." enough. You'll get through this, I promise.

[muhlissah]

Sadly I don't handle anything well. We fight almost every time we try to talk about stuff or I end up crying, however we don't do it in front of my son. Its after he's in bed asleep and some of those fights are through text, which I know isn't the greatest way to communicate, but for now when we don't want to cry in front of each other or even have to talk text works out better.

 

We are now trying to figure out living situations. I can stay here in our house or move to my sisters house because she is moving to another city. There are pros and cons to each situation I just don't know what to do. I think I know what's best and that's moving to my sisters but I love my house and really don't want to leave it. I have to make a decision by tomorrow because my sister has to know because if I'm not renting her place she has to get it listed. Its a great opprotunity I just don't know yet. This is his screw up and he should have to suffer, which in all honesty right now he is. I just don't want my son to have to suffer, he didn't ask for any of this. I guess that statement should be the answer to my dilema. If I don't move my son will suffer because the living situation my ex has isn't a great one.

 

Everyone keeps telling me it will get better and I suppose it will but right now it just doesn't seem that way. Every time I think about the future I start to panic. I really think I'm going to have to go to therapy after this.

[iBelieve In Symmetry]

I understand what you feel and I can only imagine how hard it actually is to go through what you're going through. I also understand the whole, "He's the one who f*cked everything up, I shouldn't be the one making sacrifices." thing. I stuck with my girlfriend through everything, helped her with everything, was always there for her, forgave her for her mistakes countless times (including cheating), and I'm the one who ends up heartbroken. It's SO unfair.

 

The best I can come up with right now is to think of the future. I KNOW how hard and intimidating it is. If you're how I was at first, it feels like if you even keep going, you're going to be a zombie. Like THIS is how you have to live the rest of your life, feeling like this; hopeless, worn out, pessimistic, depressed, emotionless, etc. But I assure you it isn't, right now there's not much I can tell you and even people reassuring makes you question things. All the advice I can think of giving you and hoping you take it is to make the best decision for the future. You said there were both pros and cons to both options you have. List the pros and cons for both on a piece of paper and pick the best decision.

 

"When panic grips your body

And your heart's a hummingbird

Raven thoughts blacken your mind

'Til you're breathing in reverse

All your friends and sedatives mean well

But make it worse

Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt

Better find yourself a place to level out."

[muhlissah]

Well I decided to move. Its not exactly what I want, but its the best decision. I'll be moving the end of June early July. I have to wait for my sister to move and I want to wait until after my son's birthday party which is June 27th.

 

I went to the doctor today for something not related to my situation, but being that I have a long history of depression he has put me on some meds. He actually put me on meds for bipolar. He didn't say he thinks I'm bipolar but he seems to think these meds will help. He said I should be able to tell a difference by Friday. He also suggested I seek therapy. I've been on nearly every anti depressant in the books and they don't work so he thinks I need more help and especially now.

 

I feel broken. I don't know if I said that I already but that's how I feel. Oh and yes I do feel like a zombie. I'm just going through the motions. I walk around feeling almost nothing. Sure I cry and I get mad but I don't actually feel the emotions. Although I feel different today. I don't know what it is I just feel different. I almost feel like I may be accepting what's happening to me. The part I'm worried about now is the move. I know its going to kill me. That's the sucky part about having to wait so long to move. I hit major panic mode today too. As soon as I made the decision to move I started to panic. I had so many what ifs. I'm worried about the money part. I make almost no money. Its going to be so tight I will literally have no life. Blah!