Back and forth

[Dru921]

Hello all, I'm new here. Hoping to recieve some thoughts and/or advice on a 9 month situation. So, apologies if it's lengthy, I'll try and simplify it as much as I can.

So here it goes. I met this guy (we'll call him John), at a college class. Ofcourse, his looks was my initial attraction but I didn't really act on anything with him. He slowly came to me and started off with little talk and eventually took my cell one day and put his number in it, which was a plus for me, I don't know why but I liked the way he went about it. We helped each other on class work, proof read each others papers..etc. We started going out to lunch after class and flirtatious activity eventually kicked in. From the beginning, he informed me that he was not ready for commitment. I was willing to just see where things go without the expectations, my main interest was getting to know him at that point. So we texted each other alot, went on lunch almost every other day. I also was good friends with his cousin who goes to the same college as well, one day his cousin said something in the form of "John and his girlfriend...". His cousin had no idea that i didn't know John had a g/f. At that point, I backed off and didn't text or call John, I felt the need to just think it through before I move forward and say anything. After a few days of not talking, John texted me asking to go out to lunch, I figured I might as well just come forward and let him know that I know and how I feel about it. On the lunch, before I could start a conversation he stated "Why is it that you hold back so much with me?" Yes, I guess I can admitt I held a wall up on certain things with him, I don't let people in very easy but I had noticed with him, little by little I was letting him in more and more everytime I talked to him. But I came forward and said "Well, for one..you have a girlfriend". He immediatly looked at me with suprise and that looked turned to one of guilt and he replied "Yes, I do. It's not that i cheat, you are the only girl I've liked outside of my relationship". I stated in response "Well, I don't want to be the other girl, I refuse to put myself in that situation. I don't understand why you had to lie to me". He responded "I didn't lie, you never asked me if I had a girlfriend and thats why I told you I wasn't ready for commitment". He was right, I didn't ask. So I did as I intended and not put myself in a sticky situation, I backed off a little and kept it simple chit chat. Within time, both John and his cousin informed me that John's girlfriend was cheating on him and they broke up. John and I talked about it, I tried to be a shoulder to lean on for him so he could know I cared and I am the type of person he should feel free to open up with. Eventually, the feelings kicked back up and the flirtatious activity, we began our lunches together again and I knew my feelings kept growing stronger for him as I let him in more and more each time. I got to the point where I trusted him and felt that we had built such a great bond, a great friendship. Slowly, things became a little confusing.

I think from the point where he broke up with his girlfriend, it was confusing because I was still unsure if he still didn't want a commitment. He had referred us to as "just friends" before but Theres the little actions that showed me hes into me, the hugs were beyond friendship hugs, he enjoys rubbing my head while Im driving, placing my hand on his lap and rubbing my hand, little touching here and there that is definitly beyond how friends touch. We had a conversation before about men who have sex with girls and don't talk to them again, during the conversation, he looked at me in all seriousness, I could feel the seriousness and stated "I would never do that to you", the words didn't even make a difference, it was the tone and energy I got from what he said that made me feel comfortable and trusting of him. But he has also said before "I think if we have sex, it would ruin our friendship". I told him "only if we allow it to".

Staying in touch is usually him texting me, and sometimes we go days without talking and other times we'll text each other everyday. Sometimes, we'll have long interesting conversations online and others, short and simple. I limit my conversation topics depending on his mood. It seems sometimes his answers are long, interesting, and easy to reply to. Other times, very short one or two worded answers, something that i find hard to reply to and feel that he isn't really up for a long chat. He can be spontaneous and text me in the morning with a nice "Good morning sweet heart".

Now, he has talked about another girl that he is talking to, I think he was testing how I would handle it. But needless to say, I am not the jealous type of girl, i feel that he will make his own choices and it is beyond my control I refuse to stress myself over it or feel like I need to compete. I am confident with myself and what I have to offer. He also has sent me a poem online, I honestly thought it was for me, but before assuming..i asked him who it was for, he said "tell me what you think of it"..I replied "I like it, it's really sweet" and he said "it's for a girl ive known for a while who just came back into my life". Apart of me still says it was for me, or It could just be that I really want to believe it was.

So beyond his statement that sex would ruin our friendship, it seems that he tries to pursue sex and sometimes lead me on. Keep in mind that we have never even kissed and to be perfectly honest, I have gotten close to it, but he always seems to find a way around it. The most recent was I stopped by his house to meet him because we were going on a morning jog, he was giving me a tour of his house and as we were walking through the hallway he turned around to say something and ended up being very close, he put his arms around me, leaned his body into mine gently pushing me up against the wall and kissing my neck. I really just wanted to take it all the way but he gently stepped back and kept on walking. He pursued sex a few more times and he himself also ended it, which has happened before this time too. So I begin to wonder, why he has pursued sex type situations, but backs off.

We had went out for a nice dinner one night. We met at his house, he drove my car because his was in the shop. He drove home, we both got out of the car and hugged, I honestly was waiting for an invite to come in...but he didnt, he simply said text me to let me know you got home ok. And I did text him when I got home and he quickly said to me, which boggles me why he would say it; "You thought you were getting some action tonight didn't you?" I replied " No, I wasn't expecting action, in all honesty I was just looking forward to your company and some comfort" and he replied "gotcha, Next time".

There was a point where we stopped talking for a few weeks, and I am really good friends with a guy on his baseball team, and the guy told John that he was starting to have feelings for me. I am not suprised that after that..John started texting me every day.

Lately we had a busy schedule so we finally got a chance to meet up and have lunch together after some time apart, it was really nice. 2 things he said..i love.. the first was that he said "Everytime we meet up you amaze me more and more because your so mature for your age (im 21 and so is he)" And a few hours after we parted he texted me saying "Thanks for coming earlier, I really enjoyed seeing you, I had a good time"..to me this is big. Because he rarely expresses his emotions to me. anothering thing is that He is debating between colleges and has suggested interest in florida, and has asked me more than once if he moved would I come to visit him.

To me it seems sometimes he backs away from me, then comes back. And the thing that drags me back to him all the time is the fact that he is hard to get, that he can be mysterious and I keep trying to dig to get more out of him, i have considered about just letting go of it and moving on..i find it hard to which is very unusual for me. It's been back and forth like this for 9 months and I believe I am more than ready to take it up a notch. Although, some people have suggested that I should take a look at how I am handling things as well, his friends have stated that me and him are just like each other, our personalities are almost identicle and we are both geminis. I have thought of the idea that he ego-builds off of me or plays games, but still sees me as a great friend..I really hate to think of it like that...but sometimes I do overthink things. But again, there is always that feeling, that connection that I want to believe he feels some as well. He has invited me to stay the night for my birthday which is next month, so I am hoping I can confront him with my feelings so we could clear things up before I jump into something. At the same time, I'm a little afraid to confront him about it because I dont want to scare him and ruin the connection that we have. It's not that I am pushing for a serious relationship, I feel I can handle a sexual relationship that maintains the bond and connection we have but still leaving the door open for future possibilities. What do you think??

[lifereversal]

Take your time. The best things happen when you don't force or think about it.

 

Sounds like a smart guy trying to get you to appreciate him instead of wanting his attention(just sex).

[Tizzy]

Wow that was long :-) This guy sounds like a waste of time. I think if you want to have sex with him, then do it, but don't have any expectations of a serious relationship out of this. He obviously gets some kind of kicks from leading you on and that is just not cool. A mature guy who cares about you wouldn't do that. This dude is clearly an immature flake.

[lora22]

It definitely sounds like he is leading you on, right from the beginning. There is no excuse for him not telling you that he had a girlfriend; it's something that he should have brought up - not something he gets to not tell you, just because you didn't ask.

 

The fact that your primary forms of communication (other than your lunches/occassional date) are texting and chatting online should also be a flag - if he were interested he would call you, etc. Personally, when a guy texts me something about his feelings, whatever, I don't consider that "opening up." Texting is impersonal, and someone that only communicates emotions (etc.) that way is insecure, lacks confidence, and is lazy.

 

If you want to sleep with him, by all means go for it. But it sounds like enjoys playing games with you, and I wouldn't expect any sort of relationship to come of it. So if you think you can hook up with him, and be OK with never seeing or talking to him again, go for it. Either way, sounds like you're up for some drama if you continue to see this guy.

[Dru921]

Thanks for the replies.

 

The advices come from 2 different sides, so it was interesting to try and put it all in perspective.

I have strongly considered the idea that he is playing games and/or leading me on...and I still feel the need to think things through, with that..if I decide to just not pursue it anymore, I would still enjoy being his friend, if it is possible but I know to make it work..his games will have to end which will most likely come down to me being open with him about the situation.

I had a chance to go out tonight with a close guy friend and he helped me think things throughly a little bit. It came to my attention the other day that John had asked me "Would you ever break things off with someone because they can't kiss?" I told him that i don't expect everyone to kiss perfectly, everyone kisses different. He replied "So you have to adjust to it right?" and I said yes.I didn't think much of it at the moment but with that, my guy friend said that it is a possibility that he is unsure of himself and doesn't want to dissapoint me. So he suggested that I make the first move for a kiss and see how he handles it.

But still, we have the teasing and all. So I am in the middle of a bunch of conclusions at the moment that need some thorough thinking. Thanks again!