What do you make of this situation?

[cbreitel]

Sorry this is long. But it's complicated and I'm a bit confused.

 

7 dates so far over about 2 months. I'm in my late 30s, she's in her early 30s. No sex yet. First kiss wasn't until the 3rd date. I feel like we have really good chemistry on our dates. We seem to really connect with one another in conversation. Physically, I'm happy with where things are. We have really nice make-out sessions and I just feel good when I'm around her... we hold hands, are affectionate, etc. But again, no sex so far. Our last date we got back to her house on a Saturday night around 1, and I was hoping she'd invite me in, but no dice. I'm ok with that so far, because I'm genuinely interested in her.

 

Another thing. After our 3rd or 4th date, she sent me a pretty strange email. The email was chit-chatty and friendly, but right in the middle of it was a paragraph in which she pretty randomly and bluntly told me, "I want you to know about my dating style. I don't rush into relationships and it takes a long time for me to commit to anyone." That literally came out of nowhere. I'd said or done nothing at that point to suggest that I was expecting anything of her. I was just dating her and having fun, so frankly the email kind of pissed me off. It was kind of a blow to my ego, because I felt like she wouldn't even bother saying that to me if she was genuinely into me. I took some time off from her at that point, stopped communicating with her so much, and kind of blew her off. At some point I did write her back a pretty chilled out response saying essentially, "Yeah, that's cool," to which she wrote me a nice enough response saying there's a long history behind why she needed to say that to me and we would talk about it later.

 

So, next date, we did talk about it and had a pretty good and open conversation. She told me about what I consider to be a pretty strange relationship history given her age. She's apparently had only a couple of "relationships" in her life that lasted just a few months. Nothing else. It sounds like one of those few-month-relationships was a whirlwind situation where they were talking about marriage very quickly, but it all ended up with the guy breaking her heart pretty badly, which took her "years" to get over.

 

I've been stepping back a bit ever since she sent me the email, and since we had this chat. I don't really talk to her during the week anymore. We go out basically every weekend, and she's never turned me down for any night that I ask her out. Last time (when she may have thought her email caused me to lose interest, since I blew her off for a while), I asked if she was free on a Saturday and she actually had plans with friends but told me she'd switch them up just so she could see me on Saturday. I was kind of flattered by that. We had a great date.

 

One negative: she's not that great about responding to my emails or texts. Because of The Email, I'm hesitant to call her on a regular basis. She does eventually respond to an email or text I'll send her... she's never ignored one... but she will often take several days to do so. I find that all kind of weird. How hard is it to just shoot off a quick email to someone saying, "Hey!" just to let them know you're on their mind?

 

One positive: a mutual friend of ours told me things I wasn't supposed to hear about how she views our relationship. The friend told me that this girl told her that she thinks I'm great, she likes that I'm "smart" (hah! fooled her!), that I take her to interesting places, that I'm a nice guy, and also-importantly-that I seem to be going at the same pace as she wants to go in the relationship (or whatever we call this thing).

 

So that's where we're at. Where *I* want this to go is very clear in my mind: I think this girl is definitely, absolutely long-term relationship material for me. She's gorgeous and I'm very attracted to her, she's got a good career going, and just has all the right things about her personality and lifestyle that I really dig. I just fear sometimes that I might be strung along, or that she's not really that into me and I like her a lot more than she does me. Curious what you all think.

[Tizzy]

It sounds like she really likes you but is taking her time to trust you before letting her heart get caught up in you. She's been burned in the past by getting too caught up too soon and she doesn't want to make the same mistake. At least that's what this sounds like to me. If she wasn't interested and was just stringing you along I don't think she'd rearrange dates with friends just to be with you. Sounds like she really likes you but is just a little heart-scared. I think you should give the "relationship" a little more time and see if things eventually pick up to a pace you like. Maybe try to get her to open up and talk about her fears and her past more and reassure her that she can trust you.

[mortensorchid]

Hmmm ... That is a bit odd. A while back, I went out with this real jerk who seemed to have an agenda that he followed with every woman he was with. He also said the same thing to me, that he didn't jump into relationships because he wants them to last forever. A noble quality to have, but he approached it almost like he was checking things off a list. Needless to say, it offended me, because he did nothing but sit there an analyze me like he was my shrink or something.

 

Just play it cool for a bit. If she likes you, which she obviously does, she will be more at ease with others as well as you.

[MissViolet]

Sounds like she's interested in you. Like the other poster said, if she wasn't interested in you, she wouldn't have rearranged her plans. I think she's smart to take things slow and not rush in. I know for me, I'm more careful and like to take things slow with guys that I really like and am serious about...

[cbreitel]

UPDATE.

 

Ok folks, either me or this girl are driving me crazy, so I'd like some more opinions. In the week since I wrote this post, the following has taken place:

 

After the Saturday night date I described in the OP, around 130 am, I sent her a text message as I was driving home about how I'd had a great time. We'd both done this to each other in the past. This time... no response.

 

The following Sunday, somewhat confused by her lack of response but just ignoring it, I sent her an email. No response.

 

The following Wednesday, when I am getting pretty worked up on my end because my text and email have now both been ignored, she sent me a very short email which says the following: "Sorry I haven't responded to anything... text or e-mail. I am getting killed right now. I need about 10 of me :-( I did have a great evening on Saturday and am also glad we got to talk. And thank you for listening and being supportive. Have a great night!"

 

Fine. That pacified me at the time. I emailed her back a very short response that said nothing important and was mildly flirty. No response to that.

 

On Friday, I know from our conversations before that she caught a flight to the east coast for a wedding, where she would be for the next several days over the Memorial Day holiday. I assumed no contact during that time, and I was right. On Monday I thought she might be back, so I sent her a dorky little Facebook message saying nothing important (I actually sent her a music video I'd told her I'd send her weeks earlier but forgot until now). No response.

 

The whole week goes by, and I'm not sure when she's returned from her trip, and I also sent her that FB message, plus my very last short email from the week before, so I don't contact her. Finally, yesterday, I bite the bullet and call her cellphone as I was driving home from work. Short friendly voicemail, "Hey it's me, just wanted to see what's up, give me a call." Waited all night long for her to call back.

 

Nothing.

 

From her past behavior, she will probably call or text me today. But all of this game-playing in between our otherwise fine dates is really irritating me and making me wonder if I'm being jerked around. I understand that she's never been in a long relationship and maybe she's got some "special" reason why she'd be treating me like this that has more to do with her own issues than with me... but I don't know that and if I just continue dating this girl I'm taking a risk with her. The risk being that she will continue jerking me around for weeks or months when she's not really interested in me, and I will just waste my time.

 

One of my good friends, female, thinks that is exactly what's happening and upon learning that she hadn't called me back as of late last night, told me I need to get rid of her pronto.

 

Thoughts?

[northstar1]

UPDATE.

 

Ok folks, either me or this girl are driving me crazy, so I'd like some more opinions. In the week since I wrote this post, the following has taken place:

 

After the Saturday night date I described in the OP, around 130 am, I sent her a text message as I was driving home about how I'd had a great time. We'd both done this to each other in the past. This time... no response.

 

The following Sunday, somewhat confused by her lack of response but just ignoring it, I sent her an email. No response.

 

The following Wednesday, when I am getting pretty worked up on my end because my text and email have now both been ignored, she sent me a very short email which says the following: "Sorry I haven't responded to anything... text or e-mail. I am getting killed right now. I need about 10 of me :-( I did have a great evening on Saturday and am also glad we got to talk. And thank you for listening and being supportive. Have a great night!"

 

Fine. That pacified me at the time. I emailed her back a very short response that said nothing important and was mildly flirty. No response to that.

 

On Friday, I know from our conversations before that she caught a flight to the east coast for a wedding, where she would be for the next several days over the Memorial Day holiday. I assumed no contact during that time, and I was right. On Monday I thought she might be back, so I sent her a dorky little Facebook message saying nothing important (I actually sent her a music video I'd told her I'd send her weeks earlier but forgot until now). No response.

 

The whole week goes by, and I'm not sure when she's returned from her trip, and I also sent her that FB message, plus my very last short email from the week before, so I don't contact her. Finally, yesterday, I bite the bullet and call her cellphone as I was driving home from work. Short friendly voicemail, "Hey it's me, just wanted to see what's up, give me a call." Waited all night long for her to call back.

 

Nothing.

 

From her past behavior, she will probably call or text me today. But all of this game-playing in between our otherwise fine dates is really irritating me and making me wonder if I'm being jerked around. I understand that she's never been in a long relationship and maybe she's got some "special" reason why she'd be treating me like this that has more to do with her own issues than with me... but I don't know that and if I just continue dating this girl I'm taking a risk with her. The risk being that she will continue jerking me around for weeks or months when she's not really interested in me, and I will just waste my time.

 

One of my good friends, female, thinks that is exactly what's happening and upon learning that she hadn't called me back as of late last night, told me I need to get rid of her pronto.

 

Thoughts?

 

Hmm, bizarre. From I'm reading (and I could be wrong), but it sounds like you are making her a priority in your life (wanting to see her, worried about communication, being very frustrated) and she is not making you one. Could be a number of reasons - she's unsure of her interest level, she'd dating others. I don't buy the 'too busy' excuse though. If you are really interested in someone, you can always make time to at least be in touch and let them know you are thinking of them.

 

My advice is - reel back and leave it. Stop contacting her. Start thinking about dating others. If this girl is truly interested, she will make an effort. But definitely don't wait around, because she's not giving you much to go on right now.

 

Good luck

[cbreitel]

Hmm, bizarre. From I'm reading (and I could be wrong), but it sounds like you are making her a priority in your life (wanting to see her, worried about communication, being very frustrated) and she is not making you one. Could be a number of reasons - she's unsure of her interest level, she'd dating others. I don't buy the 'too busy' excuse though. If you are really interested in someone, you can always make time to at least be in touch and let them know you are thinking of them.

 

My advice is - reel back and leave it. Stop contacting her. Start thinking about dating others. If this girl is truly interested, she will make an effort. But definitely don't wait around, because she's not giving you much to go on right now.

 

Good luck

 

I guess part of me already knows what you just said. I'm bummed out. Our dates were exciting and I thought we had a really nice thing going. But how hard is it to spend 5 seconds to send a simple text message to someone?

[northstar1]

I guess part of me already knows what you just said. I'm bummed out. Our dates were exciting and I thought we had a really nice thing going. But how hard is it to spend 5 seconds to send a simple text message to someone?

 

I've been there. Had a few good dates and seemed to be on the right track, and the same thing happened as you described. Hot and cold behaviour. I have learned to go with my instinct telling me now that if someone is acting like that, they are not that interested, and I back off completely and do my own thing.

 

It's not hard to send a text message, unfortunately with so much communication (esp in the dating realm) now revolving around texting/emailing/social sites, it's totally easy to either ignore them, or take your sweet time reply.

[cbreitel]

Well, I am pretty confident that she will get back to me today one way or another. I'm just not sure what to do when she does. I had wanted to ask her out for this weekend but I'm annoyed enough that I don't feel like it anymore. I have other options so I guess I'll use them. Just none I was particularly interested in. Again. Bummer.

[northstar1]

Well, I am pretty confident that she will get back to me today one way or another. I'm just not sure what to do when she does. I had wanted to ask her out for this weekend but I'm annoyed enough that I don't feel like it anymore. I have other options so I guess I'll use them. Just none I was particularly interested in. Again. Bummer.

 

 

Well, I would hold off on asking her out for the weekend. Ball is in her court to step up with some interest or to ask you out.

Not to play games, but I'd follow those other options and enjoy the weekend.

[MissViolet]

I'm sorry to hear that...Judging from the info you gave, I'm confident to say that she's not interested, I would even say that she might be dating someone else. I know that if I really like someone or interested in them, I would reply to their messages and wouldn't wait that long to reply. I think it's best if you just don't contact her anymore and try to meet someone else....try to forget that "great" dates you went on because obviously she's not reciprocating. Best of luck.

[moman]

RUN RUN RUN.

 

This girl is not only not interested, but sounds like very bad news based on what she has told you about her previous relationships.

 

When someone is genuinely interested, they will overlook some past harm and give a new guy a fair chance.

 

Don't waste anymore time calling her, texting her, or contacting her in any way. If she contacts you, don't answer or respond.

[manugeorge]

I'm sorry but she's just not that into you..

 

 

I will tell you one thing, from experience, no matter how much a woman has been burned in the past, when she meets someone she really likes, she will be cautious ofcourse, but she still won't be able to contain her excitement..which means your calls/texts/emails will be returned promptly. When you start to get too serious too soon is when she will probably be hesitant in light of her past.

 

This one has other priorities.

[cbreitel]

Um.

 

She still hasn't called me back. Which has actually never happened before in the 2.5 months I've dated her. I was very bummed out, and mad. But whatever, on with the weekend... on Friday night I updated my Facebook status with some goofy message about some cool place I was going that evening, that a bunch of my friends responded to with comments... and SHE left a comment too.

 

wtf?

 

So to recap: I call her on Thursday around 6ish, leave a short message asking her to call me back, she never calls back or texts, and on Friday evening she left a friendly comment on my Facebook page as though she hadn't just blown me off and doesn't owe me a phone call. Mind you, we are both in our 30s. With this Facebook crap going on I feel like I'm in high school again.

 

Is she playing games? Is she oblivious to the rudeness of her not getting back to me? Is it possible she didn't get my message?

 

I'm not responding. And I'm not calling her again or contacting her in any way. I haven't decided yet how I'll respond if she actually does call me at some point. I won't answer the phone, that much I know.

[northstar1]

Um.

 

She still hasn't called me back. Which has actually never happened before in the 2.5 months I've dated her. I was very bummed out, and mad. But whatever, on with the weekend... on Friday night I updated my Facebook status with some goofy message about some cool place I was going that evening, that a bunch of my friends responded to with comments... and SHE left a comment too.

 

wtf?

 

So to recap: I call her on Thursday around 6ish, leave a short message asking her to call me back, she never calls back or texts, and on Friday evening she left a friendly comment on my Facebook page as though she hadn't just blown me off and doesn't owe me a phone call. Mind you, we are both in our 30s. With this Facebook crap going on I feel like I'm in high school again.

 

Is she playing games? Is she oblivious to the rudeness of her not getting back to me? Is it possible she didn't get my message?

 

I'm not responding. And I'm not calling her again or contacting her in any way. I haven't decided yet how I'll respond if she actually does call me at some point. I won't answer the phone, that much I know.

 

She likely got your message, but her interest level is low.

 

Time to move on bro.

[cbreitel]

I dunno. Some of my female friends think this is her way of protecting herself and is over-sensitive because our relationship was getting more intimate with each date. Remember that she's never had a "relationship" last more than 3 months, and one of her 3-monthers took her "years" to get over because he broke her heart.

 

Our most recent date, she reached out and held my hand as we were walking around at one point, and we then held hands for the rest of the walk. When we said goodbye, our make-out session was the most intense it's been so far. That was the last flippin' time I saw her! I didn't do anything since then that would suddenly change her mind about me. So, it's kind of hard to wrap my head around the thought that she's just not interested.

 

Still, move on? I don't really have a choice, do I? It's not like I can make an ass of myself by ignoring the fact that she ignores my calls and is blowing me off. She's not leaving me with any options but to move on. If she actually is interested, she'll have to take the initiative from this point on, because I don't really know what the hell her deal is and what she would expect me to do (aside from tolerating rude behavior).