lionel Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Hi all I have this problem Basically my friend used to date this girl, not serious and in fact he treated her like dirt. We never met this girl and used to laugh about her because her most attractive feature according to him was she "rich!" They dated for 8 months, never went anywhere and she was always in tears. Suddenly I met her and she was a lightning bolt to me. She was beautiful, funny and everything I was interested in I was as well. We were totally perfect for each other and built up an immense friendship but we both wanted more They broke up (nothing to do with me) and I remained great friends with both of them but more leaning towards the girl (we'll call her Louise). I and Louise grew closer and closer and when she was drunk she'd tell me she'd fallen in love with me. I was head over heels in love with her too but in respect to my friend John I never did anything Eventually we ended up getting together and had a whirlwind romance. It was the best thing that has ever happened to either of us and I moved into her apartment and had the best time. I was terrified of telling John and did my best to avoid it, but when I tried to call him he wouldn't answer so I felt off the hook. He found out eventually and was destroyed by the news. He became depressed, got medication and lost nearly 30lbs. we both felt really bad but our lives were amazing. Months passed and I and Louise were talking about getting married but then she met John again. She saw how bad he looked and how bad she FELT (obviously I did too) and spoke to him. She never loved him, never even slept with him but now she wanted to be back with him, because (I believe) she wanted to make him feel better She dumped me and now I feel terrible. Speaking to her on the phone she realises she made a mistake getting back with him but cannot leave him again because it would probably send him over the edge. So I asked her outright: "if John was a strong person and would be happy for us what would your decision be". She replied that she would be with me and wants to be with me forever. But she cannot be with me because it would kill him and he never got over me. He has booked a vacation for the two of them and that would be unfair to shatter his dreams again. She admits that when she's with him she can only think about me and doesn't love him. She wants to be with me but has promised to be with him and would never break that promise. The problem is he is a weak person, she was his first girlfriend and he suffers from depression and I can imagine her changing her mind again would destroy him. I need to be with this girl, we both want to be together but he is a sword hanging over our heads I know we did wrong to begin with but that has been done and I really need some help to get this situation cleared up. We both want to be together but need to help John at the same time Thanks in advance Lionel
Ronni_W Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I am not seeing where either of you did anything "wrong" to begin with. What you guys are currently doing that is not quite so functional is making yourselves responsible for "John's" mental and emotional health and well-being. That is JOHN'S responsibility, whether or not you two perceive him as being "strong enough" or "too weak" or whatever. It is YOUR negative judgment that he cannot handle his own life and experiences. You're trying to protect him from HIS life and experiences...as if you are his parents/guardians, and as if you have the power to "protect" other adults from their own life! You're crossing healthy boundaries, and taking on responsibility that does not properly or appropriately belong to you. It is unwise. Be strong, brave and courageous with your own Love. Be together, get married, create the happiest, most successful partnership that is within your joint power to do. That is your self-responsibility, and responsibility to each other. There is NO NEED to feel guilty about it. The other stuff is JOHN'S responsibility to take care of himself...it is NOT your business.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 You sure that is the real reason she won't leave him? I hate to say it, but it could very well be that she is one of those women who can't thrive in a relationship unless it is a challenge to her - and these are the women who dump the guys who treat them like queens, to be with the ones that treat them like beggars.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 John didn't even want her in the 1st place didn't treat her well let him suffer now..
david_ryan Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Get as far away as possible right now. No contact, it will make her realise that you, the one she loves, is hurt & being smart about it. she will miss the hell out of you, she will obsess, and she will only want to return to you. she won't even think twice about that dumbass unstable dude. serious. give it to her straight, and then disappear. don't be her counselor... she doesn't deserve that, nor will it help in ANYWAY. 1 month, no contact. let her know you are out. that you do love her & wish her the best, then disappear. she will find you if it is worth it.... she will miss you because you are being a MAN, good luck, it really does work, and be awesome to yourself. coming back to a handsome smart man is so much more attractive than a depressed user of people.
CaliGuy Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 a: Yes, distance yourself from her. Give her time to miss you. b: Your ex has a big heart, but it's not HER responsiblity to make John happy. If he's going to be suicidal, that's really where you should get him to a mental health practioner. She needs to realize that John is a big boy and needs to take care of himself. You can't control people and their reactions in life. What you both did was not wrong and as much as I can sympathize with your plight, your friend needs to get himself some help. His happiness depends on HER, not his own.
forget_her Posted May 29, 2009 Posted May 29, 2009 As cold as it may sound, but john is not YOUR problem. Its his. There are times in life you have to be selfish to get what you want. If you sacrifice yourself for others then who will sacrifice themselves for you? John needs to man up. As mentioned by another poster, he needs to learn how to be on his own. Sometimes the best way for a person to learn is to push them over the cliff (not literally of course). Once they fall they'll stay there for a while but eventually they come back stronger than before. Friends help friends grow. What you/gf is doing is just hindering his emotional growth.
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