Loving Too Much Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I am friendly with all my exes, friends with none. Someone in this thread mentioned that the person who does the dumping usually does not want to remain friends, and I agree (having done all the dumping, with one exception) - there's a reason the relationship has ended; the person that wants to remain friends wants to do so because they're still emotionally invested. I don't see anything wrong with other people being friends with their exes, but generally (from my experiences, as well as my friends') it seems that this prevents anyone from truly moving on into their next relationship, and often causes problems with the new relationship. There are always exceptions though. Very True. My EX left me a week and a half after her EX of 2 years showed back up on the scene. I was concerned about all the time they SUDDENLY started spending with one another. I was made to feel like an overly jealous and controling person, even when I approached the situation in a mature manner. It should be you and your SO first.....Not your EXES feelings first. I know that I would never ever make my SO feel the way I had to feel because of an EX. Never. Maybe this is different, maybe she wanted him back...who knows...
Loving Too Much Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 One of the two exes that I've stayed friends with is my best friend. He has been there for me through thick and thin. I can always count on him to be available to me when I need him. I think him and I were always meant to be friends "only." We just don't get along as romantic partners but both love and like each other a lot. Sometimes that happens. And I'm really grateful to have him in my life. He's not at all a threat to other guys because I just don't feel any sexual attraction to him. The other one I'm still friends with is a bit of a problem on the sexual front. We don't get together anymore because we always ended up being physical. For him and I it was circumstances that broke us up, not lack of caring or attraction. And we truly do like each other. I think it's possible to care about someone, to LIKE them and love them but not be able to be with them for one reason or another. To me it just doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends. Yet, I know that's just what it means to some people. I'd never betray either of these friendships though. If I got involved with someone who told me to dump these guys, no way. I hope that you find a nice doormat to wipe your feet on. I don't know many guys who would be ok with the second situation you presented. Not only that, but the fact that you would never entertain your SO thoughts on the matter speaks worlds.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Not only that, but the fact that you would never entertain your SO thoughts on the matter speaks worlds. Loving Too Much: it sounds like you're really hurting. I personally choose not to remain friends with exes because I don't want those emotions and past relationships interferring with potential new ones; many people make the opposite decision, and no one on the outside looking in can legitimately judge whether that choice works for the people invovled or not. That being said, (and despite my current situation) I would never ask a guy I was seeing to stop being friends with an ex, and if I made the choice to remain friends with an ex and I would really resent my current boyfriend demanding that I drop him as a friend. If there was a problem, or he felt insecure, it's something that he would need to communicate with me about, and we would have to try to reach an acceptable compromise.
Loving Too Much Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Yes I do agree with you. Not hurting as much right now. 3 weeks NC for me. It is far too much to post about the entire breakup. But what it boils down to is her EX just appeared out of no where. They were best friends from that day forward. Very strange to me. Not once did I ask her to drop him, that is not something I would ever ask to do. However, I did expect/hope that at the very least she would speak with me about my concerns on the subject. I never got that. Instead she would tell me that I just don't understand. Which I didn't. Which is why I was talking to her. Blah Blah Blah...I don't know that my situation belongs here even, I just have a strong feeling that I was left for a different reason than " I need to work on myself, "Its not you, Its me"). Wow, sorry for the rant. Just be open and honest with whoever you are with. Don't put yourself in situations that could endanger your current relationship.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Just be open and honest with whoever you are with. Don't put yourself in situations that could endanger your current relationship. Absolutely, I couldn't agree more. Def. sounds like she took the easy way out by not being honest. Sucks man, I'm sorry.
Author loveslife Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 For me, it's good from the perspective of a SO for me to have these people in my life because it's made me work through my feelings for them. If we're not back together now, why would we be together next week or a month from now? I know very clearly that if I were in a committed relationship I wouldn't leave that for an ex. Why? Because the only two that I had strong feelings for are still in my life so I can make that evaluation. Does this make sense? If they weren't in my life but then turned up suddenly I'd be more likely to wonder "what if" than I am now, because I've already resolved that question. Yeah, the second one I mentioned and I are still attracted to one another but not so much that we cannot stand being apart. And I am also at peace with the fact that we want different things. If our wants were to change to become to more compatible and neither of us were seeing someone else we might try again. But I wouldn't leave someone for him. Having them in my life takes away the mystery and romance of anything having to do with one that got away. Ya know?
Loving Too Much Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Lora22, thank you for your responses. If you would like to read my story then please feel free. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t188210/ This is the last I say of anything off topic. Not trying to hijack the thread.
Loving Too Much Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 For me, it's good from the perspective of a SO for me to have these people in my life because it's made me work through my feelings for them. If we're not back together now, why would we be together next week or a month from now? I know very clearly that if I were in a committed relationship I wouldn't leave that for an ex. Why? Because the only two that I had strong feelings for are still in my life so I can make that evaluation. Does this make sense? If they weren't in my life but then turned up suddenly I'd be more likely to wonder "what if" than I am now, because I've already resolved that question. Yeah, the second one I mentioned and I are still attracted to one another but not so much that we cannot stand being apart. And I am also at peace with the fact that we want different things. If our wants were to change to become to more compatible and neither of us were seeing someone else we might try again. But I wouldn't leave someone for him. Having them in my life takes away the mystery and romance of anything having to do with one that got away. Ya know? Yes I do see your point. Did not mean to come off as harsh. Your situation and mine are completely different.
lora22 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Having them in my life takes away the mystery and romance of anything having to do with one that got away. Ya know? IMO this is a pretty valid point, something (for me at least) to think about. The unknown/your own imagination are often the most seductive and romantic things.
CarrieT Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 well said. although, beware of posters who will gladly label you a moron for thinking this way quite pathetic really And is there a reason I should care what other people think about me in regards to the friends I keep, especially if they are incapable of maintaining healthy, friendly relationships?
Author loveslife Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Yes I do see your point. Did not mean to come off as harsh. Your situation and mine are completely different. Loving Too Much, I totally understood your perspective. I was involved with a guy once whose ex turned up. Something just made me feel/know they weren't finished. He assured me up and down and twice on Tuesday that she was not "a threat" to me. Well, a few weeks later he left me for her. So believe me I know and understand!! It was very, very harsh.
Author loveslife Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 IMO this is a pretty valid point, something (for me at least) to think about. The unknown/your own imagination are often the most seductive and romantic things. I think people have it wrong, honestly. It's the exes who show up out of the blue that pose a possible threat much more than those we're friends with already. JMO
BubblyPopcorn Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 My ex whom I was with for four years, we talk every now and then just like two old friends catching up. But there isn’t a need for us to talk to each other every day. I no longer have romantic feelings towards him, and I haven’t seen him in over ten years. No one should be able to dictate to his/her partner who they can/can’t be friends with, and it does boil down to trusting your partner, but that needs to be balanced with respect for your partner and his/her feelings as well. If that includes talking/hanging out with an ex regularly as if you were still a couple, and to your partner it doesn’t, then that is where you will have conflict and incompatibility.
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