loveslife Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I see a lot of people on this forum think exes should receive no contact. I have two exes I'm good friends with but sometimes I wonder about their true motivations for staying friends. One of them is my best friend really. It probably helps that he's thousands of miles away and we haven't been a couple in over ten years. There have been times when I seriously don't know what I would have done without him. I feel I can always count on him. He's always available by email or phone. There's no romantic or sexual interest on my part and I don't think there is on his part, but I'm not entirely sure. He's happily married with kids though, so I feel pretty safe to say he's not trying to get in my knickers. The other ex I'm friends with is definitely still sexually attracted and I think he hopes to someday be together again even though we've both moved on with other relationships. We mostly talk on the phone and have known each other for about eight years. Both of these relationships feel great to me. And I feel really good that I was able to maintain them on such a nice level. For me, I don't get involved with guys I don't actually like so it's always so sad when I lose the friendship, too. Am I the only one who enjoys friendships with exes?
dreamergrl Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I personally don't like keeping any type of relationship with ex's that I was serious with. It ends up giving me the 'what if' feelings. 'What if we could have...' While many of my relationships ended badly, there was one that stood out. We didn't break up because we were bad for each other. We broke up because I wasn't ready to handle a normal relationship. Too many things went wrong previously. We've talked a few times since, and I end up with regrets. I'd rather just move on, and not think about the past. But that's just me, I think about the 'what ifs'.
CarrieT Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 With the exception of my most recent Ex and my ex-Husband (20 years ago now and I believe he may be dead), I am friends with ALL my Exes. I was 13 when I fell in love the first time. He was 15. Philip and I consummated our relationship when I was 18. That was over 30 years ago; he is married with a 12-year old child and he and his daughter are coming to stay with me for a weekend in July. I think with time and a mature understanding, there is no reason one can't be friends with an Ex. Granted, the romantic and passionate love is gone, but the basis of the friendship and the commonality could very well continue and flourish. In many ways, I am better friends with my Exes now than we were when we were lovers.
Author loveslife Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 I'd rather just move on, and not think about the past. But that's just me, I think about the 'what ifs'. I've been through the "what ifs" with both my exes that I stayed friends with. But I've also moved past that. And in a way the questioning and wondering has, for me, helped to strengthen my understanding of myself and what I want in relationships.
Author loveslife Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 In many ways, I am better friends with my Exes now than we were when we were lovers. I am definitely better friends with these two exes now then when we were lovers. That seems kinda funny sometimes when I think about it.
dreamergrl Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I've been through the "what ifs" with both my exes that I stayed friends with. But I've also moved past that. And in a way the questioning and wondering has, for me, helped to strengthen my understanding of myself and what I want in relationships. It has me too, with future relationships, but when they come back into my life, it leaves me questioning. It makes me second guess my choices and decisions. I don't like that.
Author loveslife Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 It has me too, with future relationships, but when they come back into my life, it leaves me questioning. It makes me second guess my choices and decisions. I don't like that. Yeah, that doesn't happen with me with these two guys. It wouldn't be much fun to have relationships like that.
worldwide Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 at the early stages of the break up or as long as there are still some lingering emotions then definitely not a good idea to be friends with an ex. honestly, they are a huge part of my life who i once love and hold dear in my hearth and i would like to keep them as friends but only IF it wont be detrimental to my emotional well being. if we still have feelings for them, no matter how small it is, once they start seeing other people knowing about this will be a big blow to my self esteem. although i hardly see or talk to him, i am actually friends with an ex who i dated back in collage and i totally have no problems with being friends with him coz i am way too over him. he's now married with 2 kids and i knew this after not seeing him for 4 yrs. when i ran into him and he told me, i absolutely didn't feel anything other than i was glad to see him and to hear that things are going great in his life. so yeah, friends with an ex is possible when the time is right and they no longer affect us emotionally.
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I do. The relationship is in the past so I don't see the problem.
babydreamer Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 It's a good thing that you can keep a friendship with your exes. Through the relationship, they knows who you really are and very understandable... well some that is. I have always regretted that I can't be friends with my exes (due to their part).
Stockalone Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Am I the only one who enjoys friendships with exes? I never stayed in contact with an ex, much less considered maintaining a friendship with them. Going from devoted bf to just being friends is a reduction in rank. It's like having your salary cut in half while the workload stays the same. It's insulting, why would I accept that?
CantGetItRite Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Love of my life I dated for 5 years is now my very best friend. We've known each other for about 13 years now. But it's a very special situation. I love it! But as far as other exes, I could take em or leave em. And they usually try to hook up again and with enough alcohol it seems like a good idea, but in the morning you're trying to leave unnoticed and hating yourself. And I usually can't stand my exes anyways. I start to hate the way they breath and wonder what was I thinking to ever date this guy?
prettybaby Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yes, I'm still friends with my exes. My ex husband is still one of my best friends to this day. We live far apart though, so it's not a context where we're regularly hanging out and going out for drinks and such. I suppose that would be kind of weird, especially towards my current boyfriend. But yeah, I enjoy staying in touch. They're people I've cared about and still care about. Our relationship didn't work out, but it doesn't mean they suck as people. The attraction is completely gone, and they have a girlfriend too now, so it's all pretty clear and good. Once you get to know me, you're stuck with me for life
stepka Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 My ex husband and I were friends for 7 years b/f we began dating, and yesterday was our 24th anniversay (the divorce hasn't gone thru yet) and we called each other to laugh and say Happy Anniversary. I guess we'll always be friends---it's still a little weird b/c he came out gay just after X-mas, but I think it will still be a good friendship--we discuss our boyfriends.
runner Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I think with time and a mature understanding, there is no reason one can't be friends with an Ex. Granted, the romantic and passionate love is gone, but the basis of the friendship and the commonality could very well continue and flourish. In many ways, I am better friends with my Exes now than we were when we were lovers. well said. although, beware of posters who will gladly label you a moron for thinking this way quite pathetic really
sam light Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I'm friends with an ex and usually all is well. But once when she dumped her current BF, I suprized us both by making a play for her. If you like an ex enough to stay friends and you had a decent sex life together, I think the chemistry will always be there beneath the surface. That doesn't mean you'll act on it, but it just has a potential to surface.
Sal Paradise Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I don't keep exes as friends and I don't date women who keep their exes as friends. The past is the past and thats where it's best left.
mortensorchid Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I have had many debates about this with others. I am friends with one and only one of my exes. We broke up over ten years ago, we still go to parties and things together, his wife and I are friends as well. This is the exception, I find, as when I have attempted to remain friendly with my other exes, they act like I am some kind of freak for calling or saying hello to them should I see them out. Truth be told, I think the party who ended it has no interest in being friends with the other person, that's why they ended it to begin with. And, sad as it may seem, those who I have had what I would call "serious relationships" in the past, have all ended it. Doubly as unfortunate, they chose to do it in a very immature way (via email, screaming and fighting, etc.). They ALL have regretted it (at least that's what I have heard), and they are too ashamed to show their faces to me or anyone else because of the way they behaved. In some ways, I can enjoy the fact that I came out of the situation looking good. In others, I feel stupid that I got involved with someone who would treat another person like that. So don't be friends with your ex. For the one I am mentioning here, he's a special person and we both really love and care about each other enough to still be friends. Chances are, the party who broke it off does not want to be friendly with you despite what may or may not have gone down. It wasn't meant to be, so move on.
Tizzy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 If a man were to tell me he was still "best friends" with his ex he would never hear from me again. Out of all the people in the world, you mean to tell me you couldn't find anyone else to bestow this title upon? That would be a major red flag to me. I'm leary of people who call themselves "friends" with their exes. I think the term is used to loosely. Maybe I just have a different definition of what a friend is compared to some other people, but if I've had sex with you and had dreams of a future together crushed with you, chances are you might not make the most ideal "friend' material for me. In my experience, the only reason people want to stay "friends" after a relationship has failed is for sex reasons or to keep tabs on you, or in hopes of an eventual reconciliation. None of which is wrong necessarily, I just don't think they should be deemed the term "friend." I think people use the word friend too loosely. How may exes that were just "friends" ended up hooking up (ie f**king) again at some point? How many got jealous of the new bf/gf/wife/hubby at some point? How many felt like crap when the ex started gushing about the newfound love in their life? How many exes can you really count on to be there for you when you really need them, no matter what? I think 99% of the people who say they are good "friends" with their ex (or with several of them, even more disturbing) are in pure denial.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I don't see anything wrong with it as long as all residual feelings (love OR hate - depending on the relationship) are gone.
lora22 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I am friendly with all my exes, friends with none. Someone in this thread mentioned that the person who does the dumping usually does not want to remain friends, and I agree (having done all the dumping, with one exception) - there's a reason the relationship has ended; the person that wants to remain friends wants to do so because they're still emotionally invested. I don't see anything wrong with other people being friends with their exes, but generally (from my experiences, as well as my friends') it seems that this prevents anyone from truly moving on into their next relationship, and often causes problems with the new relationship. There are always exceptions though.
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm in regular contact with one ex who is a close friend, and meet up usually once a month or so. I am on friendly terms with pretty much all my other exes, but don't speak to them very often or meet up. Seems to work just fine.
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Going from devoted bf to just being friends is a reduction in rank. It's like having your salary cut in half while the workload stays the same. It's insulting, why would I accept that? Not if you did the dumping. There are also perfectly legitimate reasons for someone to dump you e.g. they get a dream job 5000 miles away - how is it insulting for them to go for the job?
mental_traveller Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 If a man were to tell me he was still "best friends" with his ex he would never hear from me again. Out of all the people in the world, you mean to tell me you couldn't find anyone else to bestow this title upon? That would be a major red flag to me. I'm leary of people who call themselves "friends" with their exes. I think the term is used to loosely. Maybe I just have a different definition of what a friend is compared to some other people, but if I've had sex with you and had dreams of a future together crushed with you, chances are you might not make the most ideal "friend' material for me. In my experience, the only reason people want to stay "friends" after a relationship has failed is for sex reasons or to keep tabs on you, or in hopes of an eventual reconciliation. None of which is wrong necessarily, I just don't think they should be deemed the term "friend." I think people use the word friend too loosely. How may exes that were just "friends" ended up hooking up (ie f**king) again at some point? How many got jealous of the new bf/gf/wife/hubby at some point? How many felt like crap when the ex started gushing about the newfound love in their life? How many exes can you really count on to be there for you when you really need them, no matter what? I think 99% of the people who say they are good "friends" with their ex (or with several of them, even more disturbing) are in pure denial. Totally inaccurate. Someone can be friends with an ex because they get on well and have a lot in common - after all, that is one of the reasons people get together in the first place. They don't have to "have their dreams dashed" to split - people can have amicable breakups for perfectly normal and legitimate reasons. One of the major reasons for a breakup is lack of lasting sexual chemistry, so ironically an ex is often far less of a threat because there is literally no chance of any sexual attraction from your partner to them. The term friends is often used loosely with exes. But it is often used accurately as well. If your experience is that people stay friends with exes for sex reasons then that simply shows you have very little experience of relationships between mature adults. Personally I haven't slept with any of my exes since I broke up with them, and the one I am good friends on I can and do count on just as much as a normal friend. So your "99%" stat you pulled out of thin air is just pure BS I'm afraid.
Author loveslife Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 One of the two exes that I've stayed friends with is my best friend. He has been there for me through thick and thin. I can always count on him to be available to me when I need him. I think him and I were always meant to be friends "only." We just don't get along as romantic partners but both love and like each other a lot. Sometimes that happens. And I'm really grateful to have him in my life. He's not at all a threat to other guys because I just don't feel any sexual attraction to him. The other one I'm still friends with is a bit of a problem on the sexual front. We don't get together anymore because we always ended up being physical. For him and I it was circumstances that broke us up, not lack of caring or attraction. And we truly do like each other. I think it's possible to care about someone, to LIKE them and love them but not be able to be with them for one reason or another. To me it just doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends. Yet, I know that's just what it means to some people. I'd never betray either of these friendships though. If I got involved with someone who told me to dump these guys, no way.
Recommended Posts