I just don't know anymore

[sedgwick]

I'm sure you guys don't want to hear anything more from me about how much I missed the guy who dumped me for not being a musician, so if that's the case, please don't read on. But if you're willing to offer any sort of guidance or support, I could really use it tonight.

 

Next month will be one year since we spoke, and July will be two years since he dumped me. I still miss him every second of every day, still talk to him every night (by which I mean I talk to the air; I've been resolute in NC, but before I fall asleep I ask the universe to just let him feel that there's someone out here loving him unconditionally, should he ever need it), still have a VERY hard time leaving my apartment. I just feel that if the person I love with all my heart and soul doesn't care to know me, why should anyone else?

 

I long to go on a date, or even just to be flirted with. I see my friends having relationships, and bouncing back from failed ones, and basically continuing to live life, but I just stay at home because I don't feel I deserve to be loved. After all, the person who taught me how much I could feel, how selflessly I could love, doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. And I am left feeling like a shell of a human, like my life is over.

 

I turned 38 a few weeks ago and it's really affected me. I don't feel I've achieved enough, or that I'm attractive enough, or that I have any right to rejoin the human race. When I do leave the house, which is only to run errands and return home as quickly as possible, I see other people out having fun with friends and I almost cry. I am so jealous of and angry at them.

 

As soon as he left me, I started going to therapy three days a week. I recently "graduated" from this therapy, but I still go to group when I can force myself outside. Usually it's just too hard for me to be around others. I feel like I'm burdening them with my ugliness, and I don't want to bother them.

 

Most of all, I wonder CONSTANTLY if he feels any guilt at all, or if he ever gives me a thought. I imagine that if he does think of me, it's just to think how he's too good for me, and that he then crawls in bed beside his perfect musician love. I feel like I'm being ripped apart. I've never had this much trouble getting over anyone or anything, and I'm absolutely at my wit's end.

 

The weirdest thing happening to me at the moment is that an ex from 20 years ago has gotten back in touch. He's still in his hometown in Arkansas, and as soon as he got in touch with me again and we exchanged a few emails, he wrote to let me know he had been waiting 20 years to flirt with me again and that he had broken up with his girlfriend hoping we could have another chance. I live in NYC, and he's trying to get me to come back to AR. On my birthday he sent me a picture of me from our freshman year in college, with the subject, "Forgive me, I've always loved this one." He was creeping me out so much, writing me constantly to tell me how I was the most amazing person he's ever known, that I blocked him on facebook, and he now writes me to tell me about pictures he's seen on there. I'm ignoring him, and he's profoundly not getting it, and I'm feeling both immense anger at him for thinking I'm worth anything and terrible guilt over doing to him what Joe's doing to me (not that I have contacted Joe in any way, shape, or form, nor would I ever.)

 

I'm sorry to rant like this. I've been trying to stay away from LS because I know everyone was getting really sick of me, but tonight is so rough I almost feel like I'd go into the hospital if I could. (I can't; I can't afford it.) Instead I'm going to spend the weekend with a friend. I don't expect any responses, but they will certainly be profoundly appreciated if they come.

[bluewolf17]

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you. Even if you don't beleive in that sort of thing.

 

I don't know what to tell you that you haven't heard before. Just know that others are going through it too. Hang in there.

[81West]

Have you ever pursued the possibility that you are suffering from PTSD? I've been diagnosed with it twice in my adult life over brutal and jarring endings to love relationships, and the treatment of EMDR has been a miracle in both cases. After suffering for 2 and 3 years absolutely stuck where I was emotionally, and feeling like there was not one more person on earth that I could burden with it all, EMDR offered a painless and surprisingly quick nudge back to life as it could be.

 

Here are few of the symptoms as they typically manifest themselves in this context:

 

-Numbness

- Detachment

- Unresponsiveness

- Depersonalization

- Dissociation

- Compulsive rumination

- Repeatedly experiencing the “final conversation”

- Dreams of the shattering event

- Sleep or eating difficulties

- Avoidance of people, places, or things that bring back the memory of your former spouse.

- Impairment of social and occupational functioning

- Inability to concentrate, lack of focus

- Restlessness, irritability

- Anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure)

[Ronni_W]

Hey sedg!

Good to read you -- was thinking about you a few days ago.

Have you taken a look at the book 'Spiritual Divorce' by Debbie Ford? For some reason, it feels that maybe that could be useful.

Sending Love and Light,

Ronni

[sedgwick]

81West, I have definitely considered the possibility of PTSD, but then I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and that PTSD is for veterans of war and victims of violent crime. However, all the symptoms you list sound exactly like what's going on with me. Now I think I'll look into EMDR...what could it hurt, right?

 

Ronni, I haven't read that book, but I'll definitely look into it!

[PinkToes]

I've also done EMDR, to deal with a childhood trauma, and it was enormously helpful.

 

And if it feels like the emotional depth of this loss is totally out of whack with what your head is telling you, and if you're really open-minded spiritually, you might consider a past life regression. Get a Brian Weiss tape.

 

Just a thought.

[81West]

81West, I have definitely considered the possibility of PTSD, but then I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and that PTSD is for veterans of war and victims of violent crime. However, all the symptoms you list sound exactly like what's going on with me. Now I think I'll look into EMDR...what could it hurt, right?

 

 

So instinctive is it to view our inability to move past emotional traumas as a sign of personal weakness or failure, that I floundered like a fish on a dock for more than two years even though I should have known I had descended into PTSD once again as I had done 12 years prior. It was all the same, and even worse.

 

Over the 26 years or so since I discovered boys I've had a regular share of breakups, some precipitated by me and some precipitated, inexplicably (), by the other party. When a relationship ends before you would have chosen, it's very sad and it's very difficult. Sometimes it's difficult for a long time. But a post trauma stress reaction is entirely and profoundly different than that.

 

It's being emotionally stuck in the same way a needle is stuck when it skips and perpetually replays a snippet of a scratched record. Your brain is processing the experience literally like 'a broken record', and so it would make perfect sense that you sound and feel like one.

 

I don't remember exactly the manner in which your partner left, but I recall I think that almost immediately after a lovely evening (morning"?) of emotional and physical intimacy and words of love he abrubtly and completely out of left field (for you) announced that he was breaking up with you, in part because he saw himself with a musician ideally. No one here on Loveshack would deny you shock and distress and confusion and immense grief in those moments. What's less easily understood it that because of a breakdown in the normal storage and management of emotion and memory you're quite literally still there in that moment.

 

Rather than flashbacks to the explosions and choppers and blood and carnage of war, you slip in an instant back into the full emotional assault of those moments two years ago. You're right there, even though you're right here, at any moment. Perpetually experiencing past as present obliterates any meaningful sense of future. I myself could see nothing but black nothingness ahead - the future and its undiscovered joys was for everybody else.

 

I let things go so long this time, and in such isolation, that my thinking started to veer into the disordered and phobic. Your original post on this thread has that feeling as well, so I'd really, really urge to look into PTSD symptoms and to note how thoroughly it all fits. I'm absolutely confident you will note that. Treatment takes weeks, not months or years, and will put you on an even playing field with all those who are progressing normally after a difficult breakup.

 

You, along with me and many others, are among that percentage of the population that is susceptible to post trauma stress reactions. Nothing more and nothing less. Be gentle with yourself Segewick, and tackle this like you would any other vulnerability of your physcial or psychological person.

[EmperorR]

Sedgwick you tire no one keep posting don't let anyone tell you differently

[RogueAC]

Hey Sedg, I was also thinking of you and am glad to see your words. Virtual hugs, high fives, silly laughs or anything that helps you feel encouraged.

[Kamille]

Sedg, it's good to hear from you.

 

You say yourself that this is a bad night. Recognize that. You're allowed to have bad nights and bad weeks. You have also, in the past, experienced good - or at least better - moments in regards to your healing.

 

As always, I admire your strenght in reaching out for help. Please continue to do so, here or elsewhere. You're not alone - there are plenty of people here who want to help and support you.

[notalone]

Hey Sedgwick,

 

Please don't think you are alone in this. Most of us here are in varying degrees of pain and relate to each other. No matter how disturbed you are, how foolish you feel.. keep posting here. You are not alone. {See, that's what my screen name says too }

[Biggie25x]

We are all here for you. I and we all know what you are going through and I bet I speak for us all in giving you a great big virtual hug .

 

Keep your chin up. This is my first holiday without her and it's hard. Harder than I thought it would be. But we have to persevere and know that we are better off in the long run without someone who doesn't love us as much as we love them.

 

I know you will be better with time. Try to get out and do something you have never done before.

[sedgwick]

I found an EMDR therapist near me. I'm going to check with a few others and make an appointment this week. Thank you.

[RogueAC]

I found an EMDR therapist near me. I'm going to check with a few others and make an appointment this week. Thank you.

 

 

Good for you!!!! Like PinkToes, my personal experience with EMDR was very positive. Keep us posted Sedgwick. We are here for you.

[sedgwick]

How many sessions did it take for you guys before you noticed a difference?

[81West]

How many sessions did it take for you guys before you noticed a difference?

 

I don't want to set up expectations, because everybody is different, but in both cases with me there was a significant improvement after justone 90 minute session. I've had two sessions this time so far, and the second time I didn't even focus on the relationship trauma directly by my own choice.

 

For me the intrusive thoughts, the daily tears, the compulsive rumination, the dead/numb feeling and the black pit where the future should have been receded very quickly. The thoughts are much more 'normal' now - just sad/difficult memories that I can fully integrate with my past and personal history rather than being crippled and overwhelmed by them. I still think about things in some moments but it's by choice now.

[sedgwick]

I just wanted to give you guys an update -- I scheduled my first session of EMDR for next week! I found a therapist who accepts my insurance, which means I have a copay of only $40 per session. I am also about to start Rolfing (http://www.rolf.org), which I hear is also good for emotional trauma as well as physical pain. I'm so excited to finally be able to do this work and hope it helps! Thank you for the suggestions, I have taken them to heart. LS rocks.

[LuCidiTy]

Sedge, hi. Long time. First off...my heart goes out to you. You've suffered and you're suffering and the flat out truth is that you love and miss him and that may never change. I didn't think I'd ever hear myself saying those words when I first met you over a year ago, but there it is. Sometimes...well sometimes it just doesn't seem to get better no matter what you try. I'm there too...14 months later and I still cry as if it happened yesterday.

 

[quote=PinkToes;2188368

... And if it feels like the emotional depth of this loss is totally out of whack with what your head is telling you, and if you're really open-minded spiritually, you might consider a past life regression. ...

 

I did this, Pink, and it turned out (surprise) that I knew and was with him in a past life and that it ended tragically with his death, and that in this life we had a chance to fix things between us and he wasn't ready yet he won't let go, either physically or spiritually.

 

As an explanation, I guess this is as good as any I've heard, and I'm certainly done questionning my own sanity or blaming myself for not being able to get over this and him or let go because I KNOW I've done everything within my power and then some. It's not me doing this. It's something I don't understand throwing him and the constant reminders in my path multiple times DAILY and at night when my defenses are down.

 

Did it help? The regression? No. Not really. It's been far too much for me to process, understand, or cope with overall. And there is again no clear path or solution.

 

Did it explain some things? Maybe. Like the three recurring dreams, which turned out to be of our out past life, and the current sort of recurring dreams that don't seem to be dreams at all, where we're together leading a normal life realtime.

 

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I'm ready to commit myself, but I know I'll soldier through this too. Maybe look into EMDR as well, as Sedge is. Never heard of it before but it can't hurt at this point. And something HAS to eventually.

 

Thanks, all...as always.

[sedgwick]

The whole past life regression thing would be lost on me, as I'm a devout atheist who doesn't believe anything happens to us after we die -- I think we die, and that's it. But EMDR seems to have some good solid neuroscience behind it, and hard science I can deal with. Lucidity, I'm so sorry you're still going through it too. It is a *little* bit easier than the first day he left, but not a whole lot. The hardest part is that I assume he's out there feeling absolutely nothing for me, dating musicians, having them fall in love with him just like I did, and not hurting a bit. I guess we can't ever really know what they're thinking, but with him it sure seems he just let me go and flitted off and doesn't care to know me any longer.

 

Blarg. It sucks!!! But hopefully EMDR will help a little. Doesn't cost much to try it, so I might as well.

[PinkToes]

My EMDR experience was once a week for about 4 weeks, and I honestly don't remember a gradual response; just that the issue was resolved by the end. It was a slow process of realigning my mind to ease the deep, gut-wrenching reaction to a very painful old memory. You get to re-write the ending, in a sense, because you can 'change' the memory.

 

At the beginning, re-living the experience in my mind always made me cry. By the end, the therapist was able to take me back to that time and the emotion was totally gone; it was like watching a movie. Pretty amazing stuff.

 

I've thought about rolfing before; maybe I should look into that. I had a friend who found it really helpful.

 

LUC: My past life regression experience helped me understand why the ending of one 6-month relationship nearly drove me over the edge and why the pain hung over me for nearly 2 years. It didn't make any sense, compared to other endings I'd lived through. That breakup was severe enough that it triggered a long-term depression (there's a family history and I guess it was my turn). So if nothing else, I was able to put the pieces together in a way that made sense to me, and let it all go. My spiritual beliefs are a bit non-traditional, but they definitely help me make sense of life and cope with the twists & turns, and I guess that's all any of us can hope for.

 

Good luck Sedg. Let us know how it goes.

[RogueAC]

I just wanted to give you guys an update -- I scheduled my first session of EMDR for next week! I found a therapist who accepts my insurance, which means I have a copay of only $40 per session. I am also about to start Rolfing (http://www.rolf.org), which I hear is also good for emotional trauma as well as physical pain. I'm so excited to finally be able to do this work and hope it helps! Thank you for the suggestions, I have taken them to heart. LS rocks.

 

hope things went okay. we are all thinking of you!

[81West]

I second that!