You'reasian Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah the starting slow casually thing, I have seen that happen, but not for me unfortunately...actually no, that's not true, once a slow, casual thing turned into a LTR, mind you he never uttered the dreaded words 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now'. Honest to God, I feel really sorry for the next poor sod who dares tell me that. I'm going to thump him good and hard, and he won't know why, but he'll be the equivalent of the millionth customer winning a gift, the umpteenth man who's not ready will get all the built-up wrath from hearing it so often. However, there is another side to this story which I think is, if, like me, you hear this line a lot, I think you have to look at how you're relating to men. You are probably giving out friend vibes, acting like a friend instead of a girlfriend, listening to their problems and giving them emotional support instead of simply being sexy and fun, which is more attractive, the emotional support should come when you're actually the girlfriend methinks, otherwise you're giving your all to someone who's not sure whether you're for him. Add to the mix, that the guy who wants to be in a relationship with you is not the one you want, while all the guys you go after aren't ready for a commtiment... Crazy how that works.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 thats the truth sister, men generally mean what they sayYup and the ones who don't are either playing you or are pretty messed up.
Sam Spade Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Gotta' love this! Advice coming from a guy who's desperately afraid of commitment, telling women they should stay the course "just in case" the guy changes his mind. Honestly, how desperate do you think women are? Anyways, ladies, believe what the guy says, if he says "he's not ready for a relationship" or "he's not looking for a relationship". If you stay the course, strap in for a rough ride and if it doesn't work out, you've only yourself to blame. And I'm afraid of commitment becaaause...? If you weren't such a joy kill, I'd invite you to the wedding. I'm glad you and your gal pals are having fun with a slightly more subtle version of guy shaming. Knock yourself out, pat yoursel on the back, and console each other with a show of gal power . Daddy loves you anyway!
Isolde Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 On the one hand, one of my friends, is in a great LTR with a guy who initially was skeptical if things would go anywhere. She took the huge risk and survived it. Doubt about a relationship working, isn't the same thing as disinterest in a woman. That said, I doubt I'd have been able to do what my friend did. Their situation was unusual though because the two were good friends regardless of dating status, so could tell one another their true feelings, with no games being played.
MeMyself&I Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 So which do you pay attention to? The actions or the words? In the above case, the words won out over the actions. But I wonder if in others the guy said one thing, but actions said another and the actions were the true indicator of his feelings? Any thoughts on that? I sooooo think it's more actions. The last guy I dated said everything right when we were together. Acted like we were an item when we were together or ran in to each other while we were out. But then would blow me off for weeks and start it all over again. Do you think his actions portray "he's just not that into me" Well Duh???! And it's hard cause you want to be like "BUT" he said this and he said that and when he was with me he did this and he did that. But the truth is..........where the hell is he? Guys (at least most) will say what you want to hear. IMHO Sorry, it makes me sooooo mad people play with somone's emtions. Honesty may sometimes be hurtful but at least it's not giving false hope/expectations.
stillafool Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Well, most women want serious relationships/marriage, and more often than they would admit - as an and in itself. Men know, and assume, that to be true. This is a lot of pressure, and quite frankly pretty tiring So, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now" it's only a fair warning. It doesn't mean that a guy who says that never, ever sees a future with you, but maybe he just wants a break from having to worry about the n-th girl relationship expectations. Who said that you should only bump uglies if there are wedding bells (or serious relationship ) in the future? It is a disservice to both sides to assume anything like that early on. I wish people could just learn how hang out, have fun, get to know each other, and see how things go with an open heart. Maybe a serious relationship (wedding bells ) will come out of it, maybe not. Either way - no hard feelings. I agree. Why can't people just hang out and have a good time without thinking (right away) where is this going? I however do think that if a guy tells a girl "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" the girl should be prepared to start dating other guys also. The only problem I see is that men often say one thing but really mean another. I wouldn't have time for those games. Like they often say women are too needy and too emotional. Yet, when you aren't needy and aren't emotional they don't like that either. Who knows what they want ladies, just be yourselves, have fun and take men at their word always, regardless of their actions.
Isolde Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I agree, stillafool. If a guy told me that he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship, I'd divest, but still hang out with him from time to time, if we both enjoyed it. Of course, it gets more complicated if you start falling hard for the guy...
Sam Spade Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Stringing someone alone when you're *positive* you can't envision a future with them is of course evil. Dating/spending time together, getting to know each other, having (and resolving) doubts, discerning if there is longer term compatibility etc. is a perfecly healthy thing to do AND it takes time AND it is the process that actually results in a relationship. Just because you have decided (and possibly deluded yourself) that you want a relationship with someone you met a month ago doesn't make this decision any better. It is simply decision made with less information . Moreover, who said that women have a monopoly over this decision making process ? It's a joint process, and if women are relatively needier and need early reassurance that "things are going somewhere", they should own it and stop blaming it on the guys. Men are not puppies to be picked from a shelter, and returned if they don't show immediate and satisfactory progress in house training . Maybe they pee on the carpet because they feel they got a raw deal ?
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Sam, stop taking this off-topic. This is a thread about a guy telling a women "he's not looking for/ready for a relationship". It's not an anti-men thread. If anything, it's about believing what a guy tells you. You're welcome to start your own thread about slow developing relationships v. the quickstart ones, because it has nothing to do with this thread and any further attempts to turn this into a gender war by going off-topic, will be reported.
Ariadne Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Stringing someone alone when you're *positive* you can't envision a future with them is of course evil. Dating/spending time together, getting to know each other, having (and resolving) doubts, discerning if there is longer term compatibility etc. is a perfecly healthy thing to do AND it takes time AND it is the process that actually results in a relationship. Just because you have decided (and possibly deluded yourself) that you want a relationship with someone you met a month ago doesn't make this decision any better. It is simply decision made with less information . Moreover, who said that women have a monopoly over this decision making process ? It's a joint process, and if women are relatively needier and need early reassurance that "things are going somewhere", they should own it and stop blaming it on the guys. Men are not puppies to be picked from a shelter, and returned if they don't show immediate and satisfactory progress in house training . Maybe they pee on the carpet because they feel they got a raw deal ? I agree. Those instant relationships usually spell disaster. Very seldom soulmates meet and that happens. I've also known a few that met and "just knew". But those cases are extraordinary. Most of the times when you rush things you are either with some desperate guy or you are desperate yourself and settling for someone you don't even know.
Mycroft Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 Also, I would blame all the problems on me, so I told myself "if I just learn to control myself, he'll eventually love me the way I want him to." The way he wanted me to be happened to intersect with who I desired to be, so it didn't feel wrong to change myself for him. Now I can see how screwed up my logic was, and how terrible it felt to be unaccepted by him. In the back of my head, I always knew it wasn't right, but being in an unsatisfactory relationship seemed preferable to being alone. I think this is exactly why there is a saying "you won't be happy in a relationship unless your happy with yourself". I know im a good person and I love myself, when a women is attracted to who I really am, I'm in turn more attracted to her. She must be awesome if shes attracted to my personality!
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