paddington bear Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 ok I'm going to add my tuppence worth to this. When a guy says 'I'm not ready for a relationship' he means it. Totally agree...had to learn the hard way (twice ) My most recent 'I'm not ready for a relationship' guy changed it slightly. 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I'm not saying things won't change in the future, I'm just saying that that's how I feel right now'. See what he did there? (Clever bastard) Added that little spark of hope the 'one day...maybe'. Of course in your head you drop the 'maybe' part of that last sentence and keep the 'one day' bit alive. I'm still unsure as to why he did this to be honest, if he didn't want to date me, why did he want to be around me all the time? I mean, I wonder do men put you on the back burner when they feel they are not ready, or do they truly go for you there and then, being unwilling to lose a good thing when they see it. Some guys on here mentioned not wanting to get married, commit until they were financially secure, had their life in order etc. Just curious, (but I think I know the answer to that one) I think there's another confusing point about this whole topic (or it has been for me anyway). It's that yes, often guys say right out exactly what they mean (and women don't listen, wanting to delude themselves that he is in fact into them) - anyway, that being as it may, the problem is words correlating with actions - if the actions don't match the words that's when you get confused. E.g. the guy mentioned above the 'not ready right now but maybe one day' guy. He said the above, the said he wanted to be friends, blah blah, however he continued to ask me out, call me all the time, any time I pulled back from him he would do everything in his power to keep my around, he would get jealous of other guys and so on. So his words said one thing, but his actions said another and that's where I got totally confused. So which do you pay attention to? The actions or the words? In the above case, the words won out over the actions. But I wonder if in others the guy said one thing, but actions said another and the actions were the true indicator of his feelings? Any thoughts on that?
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 It's words to actions. If words and actions mesh, believe it because you have the results before you. If they don't, he's either full of it or he's confused, which means he's not all in for whatever reasons. Net result, he's not all in and you're going to get mind fracked.
shadowplay Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I agree with you. But it's easy to delude yourself in the moment. With my ex, he was always blowing hot and cold so if at any given moment he didn't want to be with me, I always felt hopeful that I could get him to change his mind again by behaving myself. Also, I would blame all the problems on me, so I told myself "if I just learn to control myself, he'll eventually love me the way I want him to." The way he wanted me to be happened to intersect with who I desired to be, so it didn't feel wrong to change myself for him. When things were going well, often for months, those bad times would seem in the distant past. Now I can see how screwed up my logic was, and how terrible it felt to be unaccepted by him. In the back of my head, I always knew it wasn't right, but being in an unsatisfactory relationship seemed preferable to being alone.
paddington bear Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I did get 'mind fracked' lol! Yeah, you're right - words and deeds working in perfect harmony (like ebony and ivoreeeeeeeeeeeeey), that makes total sense, take the words at face value first and foremost. I guess the opposite holds true too, if he tells you 'Baby I love you so much' and then later beats the crap out of you...
shadowplay Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 He says: "I don't want a relationship" She says: "Ok" Now.. it all depends on how things go from here. If there is sexual attraction.. and stuff happens.. and that stuff is HOT.. yet you remain cool as a cucumber and 100% satisfied with a no strings attached deal.. I'd be willing to bet some real good money he'd be changing his mind at some point. Guys are just possessive like that. On the flip side, if you get clingy and push the issue.. then yeah, don't be surprised when he kicks you to the curb and says: "I told you from the beginning I wasn't really interested in a relationship." Exactly...this is what confuses matters a lot of the time, because you know by acting a certain way you can often produce a certain result. But in the end do you really want to be putting on an act? But what if that act coincides with who you want to be? Oy...
paddington bear Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Exactly...this is what confuses matters a lot of the time, because you know by acting a certain way you can often produce a certain result. But in the end do you really want to be putting on an act? But what if that act coincides with who you want to be? Oy... yeah it's the 'acting cool as a cucumber' part that is difficult to sustain, let's face it, if you're really attracted to someone and they say they see you only as a friend, by sleeping with them it would be well-nigh impossible to act cool. I think your emotions leak out through your body language no matter how hard you try to play a certain role, so this wouldn't work, not for me anyway, not to mention getting more emotionally attached due to being physically intimate.
shadowplay Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I honestly think that had I been emotionally available to him at any time, he would have used his bolt-hole and been gone. What makes you think this? Is it possible that he was open to a relationship, but only said the opposite to not scare you away when you said that you didn't? I guess my point is that men will often say one thing and then change their minds later based on how the girl turns out. So what do you believe?
Kamille Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I have a fun one: I love you, I am not ready, I want you to move foward with me, but I see us together in the future. Is this called rubberbanding?
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Exactly...this is what confuses matters a lot of the time, because you know by acting a certain way you can often produce a certain result. But in the end do you really want to be putting on an act? But what if that act coincides with who you want to be? Oy...But that's just it. You don't act, if you want this kind of no strings relationship. It's either true or not true. And yes, you can stop yourself from investing if you're honestly emotionally unavailable, which is what happened to me. Which brings me to my pet peeve. Don't pretend what you're not, at the get go. Just be yourself. The reason I say this, is that the first part of the getting to know each other, sets up the relationship dynamics. Then, if you're pretending to be something you're not, it's incredibly disappointing and disillusioning, when people relax and show their true selves. Net result, cessation of relationship.
shadowplay Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I have a fun one: I love you, I am not ready, I want you to move foward with me, but I see us together in the future. WTF does that mean? All I can say is that guy is seriously confused.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 I have a fun one: I love you, I am not ready, I want you to move foward with me, but I see us together in the future. Is this called rubberbanding?It's called ensuring the other person doesn't wander off, while not truly committing. This person is ensuring that he keeps his options open, while not allowing the other person to get away. You're being kept on a string until or if he makes up his mind.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 What makes you think this? Is it possible that he was open to a relationship, but only said the opposite to not scare you away when you said that you didn't? I guess my point is that men will often say one thing and then change their minds later based on how the girl turns out. So what do you believe? Regardless, I think I've stated more than enough times why he and I weren't compatible. With his lifestyle and the knowledge that this would turn out to be a partial LDR, no thanks. Been there, won't ever do it again. If he was playing games, more reason to not invest. A gamer will continue gaming, to get the results he wants, even if it had turned into a long-term relationship. I don't trust someone like that. Anyways, he makes a better friend.
Kamille Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 WTF does that mean? All I can say is that guy is seriously confused. Ya think? It's called ensuring the other person doesn't wander off, while not truly committing. This person is ensuring that he keeps his options open, while not allowing the other person to get away. You're being kept on a string until or if he makes up his mind. Yeah. Gah! Why am I having such a hard time walking away from this guy?
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah. Gah! Why am I having such a hard time walking away from this guy?'Cause he's EU, thus not a threat. Patterns, Kamille. You have to break this pattern.
Kamille Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 'Cause he's EU, thus not a threat. Patterns, Kamille. You have to break this pattern. [bangs head against desk]
Sam Spade Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I guess my point is that men will often say one thing and then change their minds later based on how the girl turns out. So what do you believe? well, that's exactly what happened with me. 6 months ago I told my now-gf I wasn't really looking for anything serious, these days I'm making engagement ring computations. She's great and I'm glad I (and she) didn't make any premature decisions. Sure, there's probably more to learn about her (and vice versa), and actual engagement is still far off in the future due to career/life circumstances that ideally would need to be cleared etc., but I'm increasingly motivated to go that way. So, yes, mother TBF can eat it . (I understand the urge though. There are many economists in my field, and, while mostly smart people, all of them have the unfortunate tendency to extrapolate simple behavioral axioms way beyond the point to which they are credibly generalizable.)
paddington bear Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 What's EU? Emotionally Unintelligent? (European Union?) I guess after reading this thread that it's occurred to me that the real confusion comes after you ignore the 'I don't want the relationship' speech. You might be a bit confused before, wondering what's up, then you get the speech which is your answer, but you ignore the answer when instead at that point you should walk away! But we don't walk away, we stupidly live in hope and then we get even more emotionally involved and confused only to get the same result 'I don't want a relationship' maybe months down the line, thus wasting your precious time and love on a relationship that was never going to go anywhere in the first place. I think you or someone else said something along these lines earlier, it's all finally sinking in.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Sam, you've got issues, loaded on top of issues. I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. But, that's just my take and it's true, some women enjoy life-long projects.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 What's EU? Emotionally Unintelligent? (European Union?)Emotionally unavailable! I guess after reading this thread that it's occurred to me that the real confusion comes after you ignore the 'I don't want the relationship' speech. You might be a bit confused before, wondering what's up, then you get the speech which is your answer, but you ignore the answer when instead at that point you should walk away! But we don't walk away, we stupidly live in hope and then we get even more emotionally involved and confused only to get the same result 'I don't want a relationship' maybe months down the line, thus wasting your precious time and love on a relationship that was never going to go anywhere in the first place. I think you or someone else said something along these lines earlier, it's all finally sinking in.Exactly.
paddington bear Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 well, that's exactly what happened with me. 6 months ago I told my now-gf I wasn't really looking for anything serious, these days I'm making engagement ring computations. She's great and I'm glad I (and she) didn't make any premature decisions. Sure, there's probably more to learn about her (and vice versa), and actual engagement is still far off in the future due to career/life circumstances that ideally would need to be cleared etc., but I'm increasingly motivated to go that way. So, yes, mother TBF can eat it . (I understand the urge though. There are many economists in my field, and, while mostly smart people, all of them have the unfortunate tendency to extrapolate simple behavioral axioms way beyond the point to which they are credibly generalizable.) Damn you Sam Spade for ruining a perfectly credible theory!! Which I do believe is true from 99% of these cases, you're a weird aberration and are going to cause myself and others to think 'well if Sam Spade said he wasn't ready and now is looking for engagement rings, then maybe we should hang on in there'. Just when I thought I had it figured out : ) Curious, when you said you weren't looking for anything serious, how did your girlfriend respond? Was she in the same mindset at the same time, or did she tell you that she was looking for something serious, or did she do the acting cool as a cucumber thing mentioned earlier?
Sam Spade Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Damn you Sam Spade for ruining a perfectly credible theory!! Which I do believe is true from 99% of these cases, you're a weird aberration and are going to cause myself and others to think 'well if Sam Spade said he wasn't ready and now is looking for engagement rings, then maybe we should hang on in there'. Just when I thought I had it figured out : ) Curious, when you said you weren't looking for anything serious, how did your girlfriend respond? Was she in the same mindset at the same time, or did she tell you that she was looking for something serious, or did she do the acting cool as a cucumber thing mentioned earlier? Well, I was just about to edit that I certainly don't advocate ignoring bad behavior or being repeatedly told "I don't want to be with you" , of course not. But many of the relationships i've witnessed usually begin rather slow/casually, and then may escalate to something more serious. As for how she reacted: she mulled it over for about a day, and then "I guess we could hang out, take it slow, and see what happens". She's pretty laidback and also quite reserved so I can't know for sure what her mindset was at the time. But she's definitely more level-headed than most women I've encountered, and I don't think she had to "force" herself into being okay with it. How people react to these things also probably depends on life circumstances and both of us are in the middle of important transitions (me just starting a serious career, hers - changing careers and back in school). There are multiple paths to, and definitions of, what constitutes success in relationships. (and with all due respect to the law of the land laid down , it's not the one and only way ).
paddington bear Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah the starting slow casually thing, I have seen that happen, but not for me unfortunately...actually no, that's not true, once a slow, casual thing turned into a LTR, mind you he never uttered the dreaded words 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now'. Honest to God, I feel really sorry for the next poor sod who dares tell me that. I'm going to thump him good and hard, and he won't know why, but he'll be the equivalent of the millionth customer winning a gift, the umpteenth man who's not ready will get all the built-up wrath from hearing it so often. However, there is another side to this story which I think is, if, like me, you hear this line a lot, I think you have to look at how you're relating to men. You are probably giving out friend vibes, acting like a friend instead of a girlfriend, listening to their problems and giving them emotional support instead of simply being sexy and fun, which is more attractive, the emotional support should come when you're actually the girlfriend methinks, otherwise you're giving your all to someone who's not sure whether you're for him.
Sam Spade Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Well, most women want serious relationships/marriage, and more often than they would admit - as an and in itself. Men know, and assume, that to be true. This is a lot of pressure, and quite frankly pretty tiring So, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now" it's only a fair warning. It doesn't mean that a guy who says that never, ever sees a future with you, but maybe he just wants a break from having to worry about the n-th girl relationship expectations. Who said that you should only bump uglies if there are wedding bells (or serious relationship ) in the future? It is a disservice to both sides to assume anything like that early on. I wish people could just learn how hang out, have fun, get to know each other, and see how things go with an open heart. Maybe a serious relationship (wedding bells ) will come out of it, maybe not. Either way - no hard feelings.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Gotta' love this! Advice coming from a guy who's desperately afraid of commitment, telling women they should stay the course "just in case" the guy changes his mind. Honestly, how desperate do you think women are? Anyways, ladies, believe what the guy says, if he says "he's not ready for a relationship" or "he's not looking for a relationship". If you stay the course, strap in for a rough ride and if it doesn't work out, you've only yourself to blame.
alphamale Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 If a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe it. thats the truth sister, men generally mean what they say
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