Trialbyfire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 If a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe it. Relationships aren't rocket science. Someone who wants you, will tell you so, with actions to match those words. If you want more than what someone can or is willing to give you, and it's a need, why keep making up excuses so you can stay with him? It's not making you happy so why put yourself through it? Get out and get out sooner, rather than later. A little pain in the beginning, is no big deal when you think about what it's doing to you inside, while you desperately hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held. Sure, getting to know someone can take time. But when he's straight up telling you he doesn't want a relationship or if he's not treating you right, if you stay, the only person to blame, is yourself.
BCCA Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Excellent thread. Its funny how even when people are straight up with us, we look for reasons to believe they didnt mean it.
stillafool Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Amen Sista! When someone tells you what they want and don't want and shows you who they are - LISTEN TO THEM!!!! Don't assume they are playing hard to get. They aren't. Don't try to fix them, you can't! When a man wants a woman he will go to great lengths to have her.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Praise be to TBF! The word has been spoken. Question is... ladies... are you listening??? I sure hope so!!!
burning 4 revenge Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 But what if he might want a relationship, but hes not sure because he really prefers a relationship with someone else, but he also doesnt want to be alone See It get complicated
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 But what if he might want a relationship, but hes not sure because he really prefers a relationship with someone else, but he also doesnt want to be alone See It get complicatedThat's not complicated. It's an easy call. Sayonara!
CantGetItRite Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Well, my young booty call says he doesn't want a relationship but he sure is starting to act like he does. I would usually take what someone says at face value though. And you're pretty much dead on with this thread.
OldEurope Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 This is basically true. However, I think many of us have heard of (or have lived) situations in which "not interested" later turned into deep interest, even love. I am talking about situations where the two people genuinely like each other, but something or other in either of them does not gel with the other--a personality trait that needs repair, needing to lose weight or improve one's looks a bit, developing maturity in certain areas of one's life. Very often, stepping back, going silent, working on yourself, and then reappearing new and improved and approaching the (potential) relationship in a fresh way can have stunning results. But this takes a lot of care and long-term thinking to pull off. xo OE
motive2002 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 He says: "I don't want a relationship" She says: "Ok" Now.. it all depends on how things go from here. If there is sexual attraction.. and stuff happens.. and that stuff is HOT.. yet you remain cool as a cucumber and 100% satisfied with a no strings attached deal.. I'd be willing to bet some real good money he'd be changing his mind at some point. Guys are just possessive like that. On the flip side, if you get clingy and push the issue.. then yeah, don't be surprised when he kicks you to the curb and says: "I told you from the beginning I wasn't really interested in a relationship."
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Now.. it all depends on how things go from here. If there is sexual attraction.. and stuff happens.. and that stuff is HOT.. yet you remain cool as a cucumber and 100% satisfied with a no strings attached deal.. I'd be willing to bet some real good money he'd be changing his mind at some point. Guys are just possessive like that. That happened to me but at the time, we both stated we weren't looking for a relationship on our first date and I meant it! I think it's a load of mind games. Not someone I want to get deeply involved with, someone who creates a bolt-hole, just in case.
motive2002 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Don't forget that "I'm not looking for a relationship" could also be the genuine product of a horribly awful recent break-up... I know that's how I felt for a while, but you never know how things can end up. But yeah, if the guy is up front about it.. take his word for it, and make your choices accordingly with no expectations.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 If someone is still carrying around that much from a horrific breakup, then he's not ready for a healthy relationship. The irony of the situation I mentioned in my last post, was that he kept wanting a relationship, where I finally agreed to a short-term one with an expiry date. Then, that wasn't enough for him. I don't regret the relationship. We had a great time together but there's no way I would have seriously invested in him, since we weren't compatible, for all kinds of reasons. I honestly think that had I been emotionally available to him at any time, he would have used his bolt-hole and been gone. As it stands, after he finally moved on, we're friends again, both seeing other people and happy with the status quo. So, net result, believe what a guy tells you when he says that he's not ready for a relationship. If the ladies are looking for a relationship, don't be looking at the guy who says it. If it's only for a little fun, then it's all good.
Bells Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Don't forget that "I'm not looking for a relationship" could also be the genuine product of a horribly awful recent break-up... I know that's how I felt for a while, but you never know how things can end up. But yeah, if the guy is up front about it.. take his word for it, and make your choices accordingly with no expectations. Yeah, but you can't always say "I'm not looking for a relationship", it can change. It's like saying, "You can never say never" Unless you find some wood to knock on or something. What I find interesting is that people aren't looking for a relationship. I thought it was Marriage some men weren't wanting. I figured a relationship would trump marriage anyday.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah, but you can't always say "I'm not looking for a relationship", it can change. It's like saying, "You can never say never" Unless you find some wood to knock on or something. What I find interesting is that people aren't looking for a relationship. I thought it was Marriage some men weren't wanting. I figured a relationship would trump marriage anyday. I think most men do want relationships except they just don't want it with you. Consciously they know they want the ideal women, and being with you is merely settling until that someone better comes along. And marriage is not a consideration until they actually fall head over heels for someone. Hoping they'll propose to you is pointless because they're not doing it of their accord but rather because you're secretly wishing for it to happen. They can probably sense the desperation everytime you stare at a store window with rings and wedding dresses.
stillafool Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Don't forget that "I'm not looking for a relationship" could also be the genuine product of a horribly awful recent break-up... I know that's how I felt for a while, but you never know how things can end up. But yeah, if the guy is up front about it.. take his word for it, and make your choices accordingly with no expectations. Well if a guy says this then he would still get kicked to the curb until he knows what he really wants and presents that to the girl. Otherwise ladies proceed to the next one. I'm not saying don't go out with him and enjoy him but whatever you do don't be foolish enough to fall for him.
Ariadne Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Relationships aren't rocket science. Someone who wants you, will tell you so, with actions to match those words. Well, this sounds like that book "He's Just Not That Into You." Basically, if I guy doesn't act crazy about you from the get go, calling you, giving you flowers, wanting a relationship, wanting to have sex, etc etc. He's just not into you! (Btw, the guys in that book would be smothering and clingy to me if they did all that)
xpaperxcutx Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Well, this sounds like that book "He's Just Not That Into You." Basically, if I guy doesn't act crazy about you from the get go, calling you, giving you flowers, wanting a relationship, wanting to have sex, etc etc. He's just not into you! (Btw, the guys in that book would be smothering and clingy to me if they did all that) All the hype about that book came from hard love. If guys are not aggressive then you boot them. But I don't think all relationships should be like that. Not even dating. Whatever happened to balance? Don't come on too strong, yet don't go cold too fast.
Ariadne Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 All the hype about that book came from hard love. If guys are not aggressive then you boot them. But I don't think all relationships should be like that. Not even dating. Whatever happened to balance? Don't come on too strong, yet don't go cold too fast. Besides, if you look at all the soulmates in history, they had to go through hell. Look what Camilla had to go through to get to be with Charles, she had to see him wed another woman that the whole country adored. Yoko Ono had to send John Lennon with another Asian girl, much younger than her and hot, for 18 months for him to clear his head. If you look, the true love stories passed through tests of fire. Of course, in some cases, it all went straight ahead. Touche here is one example when they met at the right time.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Besides, if you look at all the soulmates in history, they had to go through hell. Look what Camilla had to go through to get to be with Charles, she had to see him wed another woman that the whole country adored. Yoko Ono had to send John Lennon with another Asian girl, much younger than her and hot, for 18 months for him to clear his head. If you look, the true love stories passed through tests of fire. Of course, in some cases, it all went straight ahead. Touche here is one example when they met at the right time. I don't think using famous people is a good example. After all, their personal lives are constantly under public scrutiny and pressure. I don't know Touche's backstory.
BCCA Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I think the point of that book is that you should assume that things like a guy not calling or showing you an appropriate level of interest should be considered 'not interested' and forgotten. The problem is that everyone thinks they have the exception to the rule, while almost no one does. "He just said he wants to go bang other girls to test me, he doesnt really mean that. We were meant for eachother, I know it in my heart", etc... I think the book makes a great point: if you dont know for sure that the guy likes you, than he probably doesnt, and you should move on. Dont waste your time waiting for some douche to turn into prince charming, because it's not worth investing your emotions in such a small chance.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Ariadne, I don't think your definition of love and soulmates, is what most people can live with. Obsessive, unrequited, bunny boiling love, isn't love at all. It's an excuse to avoid real life.
Ariadne Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Ariadne, I don't think your definition of love and soulmates, is what most people can live with. Obsessive, unrequited, bunny boiling love, isn't love at all. It's an excuse to avoid real life. No, here is a paper on soulmates written by some scholars: http://www.drshelleydiamond.com/downloads/kkse_excerpts.pdf I agree with them.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Soulmates don't exist. That's just more drivel and once again, an excuse to avoid real life. You're welcome to it Ariadne, but most people prefer mutual love.
BCCA Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Soulmates don't exist. That's just more drivel and once again, an excuse to avoid real life. You're welcome to it Ariadne, but most people prefer mutual love. Agreed. The soulmates idea is so far out of touch with reality, and just excuses desperate and unnecessary behavior. Mutual love is the only thing that works.
Author Trialbyfire Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Agreed. The soulmates idea is so far out of touch with reality, and just excuses desperate and unnecessary behavior. Mutual love is the only thing that works.I agree. I don't know why people enable abusive behaviours, especially when the other party doesn't care about them. It's a form of masochistic behaviour. I guess it takes all kinds.
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