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Posted

I have no clue what my wife wants in regards to our marriage and future together. Things have been stagnant for awhile; although we've brainstormed to get out of the muck and mire here we are back to in malaise.

 

To make things worse, our children add to the sense of life's disappointments. I hate to say that because I do love them with all of my heart. However, they are like cats and dogs and one of them is extremely hyperactive. She bounces off the other two making the house a madhouse.

 

As parents, we feel beaten down and as a couple we feel like strangers sharing a house (often messy one at that).

 

We're both educated and have taken every concievable step to curtail the crazyness. In my opinion, the only thing to do is to accept reality as it is, manage well and allow time and tide to make ammends.

 

To compensate for her unhappyness, my wife (manages a computer firm) has steamrolled into work, taking on new proposals and generally working non-stop. I think its the only place she finds satisfaction, control and kudos.

 

But now she's run out of steam and its manifesting in the form of headaches all of the time.

 

Here are some other warning signs that I think she's all done with us: stopped wearing her weddding ring, seperate bank accounts, infrequent intercourse, and joyless.

 

Her gripe against me is that I'm not considerate. I'm at my end to, but I usually just keep me nose to grindstone and try not to complain.

 

Perhaps I could have done more over the years (chocolate and flowers) and likewise she could have done for me. But really, I think we're both good people - just stressed, often broke (on a decent salary), unable to do anything to recharge our own batteries (hobbies), and just plain worn out.

 

She doesn't want to talk much about "us" and just wants time to collect herself and thoughts. So, like ghosts, we move through the house, unable to touch.

 

Here's the rub: I don't want a roomate and she doesn't want to get help. I think her faith, morals, and fear of the unknown are the only thing keeping her around. But really, she's misearble and I'm a just a few steps behind her.

 

I'm a realist enough to not buy into the grass is greener mentality. But, how long do we live between soldiering on and starting over?

Posted

I don't know what the answer is to your question about how long do we live between soldiering on and starting over. When I started in this forum a couple of weeks ago, I felt like my problem was quite unusual (very similar to your situation) but reading the posts, it's amazing how common this problem seems to be. SO many couples are in the same situation, drudging through day to day life without feeling close and little happiness, wondering if they should stay or go. I haven't found the answer yet, but realizing that my situation is not unique puts a different spin on it. I'm sure this hasn't helped....just wanted to commiserate.

Posted
I have no clue what my wife wants in regards to our marriage and future together.

 

Perhaps you should try asking her outright.

 

Things have been stagnant for awhile; although we've brainstormed to get out of the muck and mire here we are back to in malaise.

 

To make things worse, our children add to the sense of life's disappointments. I hate to say that because I do love them with all of my heart. However, they are like cats and dogs and one of them is extremely hyperactive. She bounces off the other two making the house a madhouse.

 

Try unloading the kids on family or friends now and again, go out on a date. How often do you do that?

As parents, we feel beaten down and as a couple we feel like strangers sharing a house (often messy one at that).

 

Perhaps get a housekeeper in once a week or even once a month.

We're both educated and have taken every concievable step to curtail the crazyness. In my opinion, the only thing to do is to accept reality as it is, manage well and allow time and tide to make ammends.

 

Wrong attitude. Marriage takes work on both sides. You don't just accept the mundane. Both of you need to strive to make things better.

To compensate for her unhappyness, my wife (manages a computer firm) has steamrolled into work, taking on new proposals and generally working non-stop. I think its the only place she finds satisfaction, control and kudos.

 

Maybe she's working too much for other reasons. Maybe there is someone at work she's getting cozy with.

 

But now she's run out of steam and its manifesting in the form of headaches all of the time.

 

Headaches...Hmmm...see above.

Here are some other warning signs that I think she's all done with us: stopped wearing her weddding ring, seperate bank accounts, infrequent intercourse, and joyless.

 

We all know what this means. Take 3 guesses. See above.

 

Her gripe against me is that I'm not considerate. I'm at my end to, but I usually just keep me nose to grindstone and try not to complain.

 

Wrong attitude yet again. Complain, find out what's really up.

Perhaps I could have done more over the years (chocolate and flowers) and likewise she could have done for me. But really, I think we're both good people - just stressed, often broke (on a decent salary), unable to do anything to recharge our own batteries (hobbies), and just plain worn out.

 

She doesn't want to talk much about "us" and just wants time to collect herself and thoughts. So, like ghosts, we move through the house, unable to touch.

 

Here's the rub: I don't want a roomate and she doesn't want to get help. I think her faith, morals, and fear of the unknown are the only thing keeping her around. But really, she's misearble and I'm a just a few steps behind her.

 

I'm a realist enough to not buy into the grass is greener mentality. But, how long do we live between soldiering on and starting over?

 

Is this a wind up?

Posted

I don't wear a wedding ring, have a separate bank account that I am building up and I am joyless and we don't have sex , but guess what, I am not having an affair. I am planning my departure in case it becomes clear to me that it is time for me to go out on my own. There is no easy answer to this problem. Read some of the other posts around here for same scenario, different opinions,advice.

Posted

enlightenme,

I am sorry to hear about the current dynamics and tensions in your household.

 

Have you considered individual counseling, with the goal of learning some healthy coping skills and tools? As well, it sounds as if your self-esteem and self-confidence have been battered and shattered. You are self-responsible for these things, separate and apart from your wife and family.

 

I hear you say that you've tried "every conceivable" thing but that is obviously an exaggeration. Even if accurate, you are then being called upon to be even MORE creative in arriving at possible solutions.

 

Marriagebuilders.com is an excellent resource site. The basic concepts, emotional needs, etc. You may also find some useful strategies under their "plan" to heal marriages that have suffered infidelity -- I know that is not the case but some of the strategies may inspire your "creative juices".

 

allow time and tide to make ammends.

Unfortunately, neither time nor tide has the power to do that. It is up to human beings to resolve their own problems and create their own happy and successful outcomes.

 

Wishing all of you extremely positive outcomes!

  • Author
Posted

I realize that marriage counseling is a good idea and when my wife is ready that will be first on the list. She's wrapping up a huge work project and has asked if I could wait until she was finished with it before we make any decisions.

 

I'm 99.9% certain isn't having an affair. She's really a decent human being. I just think her work is the only thing in her life that she is completely successful at and so she pours her life into it. She has managed a home at the same time but I think its all catching up and manifesting itself in burnout, ill health and despondency.

 

She'll say she needs to do it for our finances, but really, we make a 6 figure salary together and could do with less if we had to.

 

I feel like an idiot saying "its the family or your job" because I don't want to come across as a chauvinist. I think shes afraid if you we go to a counselor she/he will say its the work load and she will be forced to choose. Since she knows its wrong to choose work over family, she avoids it.

 

Again, thanks for the sound advice.

Posted
I think shes afraid if you we go to a counselor she/he will say its the work load and she will be forced to choose.

To settle your own fear, of course it won't be suggested that she choose one OR the other. It is simply about finding a more appropriate BALANCE between fulfilling her individual, professional and family needs, wants, goals and obligations.

 

You can still be doing more for your individual Self than just waiting around for your wife to finish whatever work project. You may want to self-reflect on your own level of motivation, feelings of being powerful or powerless, etc., just to be sure that you aren't taking a bit of an "easier way out" and putting the brunt of responsibility for the health of your marital relationship on your wife. Sometimes that can happen when we're focused on all the other "stuff of life."

Posted

While she is pouring herself into work, she is definetly having an affair. I know you feel that she is of good moral character, but this all goes out the window in these situations. I never saw my wife as someone who would repeatedly cheat, neglect our son and lie to such an extent. Guess what, she has done all of the above and has totally turned her back on many things in life. She does not care and she thinks that all of her actions are justified.

 

I am not trying to burst your bubble, but I once said the same things you are saying, I was in denial. Open your eyes and let the inner detective in you out.

FIND OUT WHAT IS REALLY HAPPENING IN YOUR SITUATION!!!!!!!!

 

Take care,

 

J

Posted

You know.. I feel for you, I really do. But I am angry because it seems like all of the men in this forum want to work it out and their wives don't. All the men here seem to have a high level of commitment. Where were you all when I was standing in line to get married? How come I did not anybody like you all? How come I got my piece of a husband and threw away 23 long years of my life on him ? How come flakey women get the good men, and flakey men get the good women? I am sorry, but it is just not fair.

  • Author
Posted
You know.. I feel for you, I really do. But I am angry because it seems like all of the men in this forum want to work it out and their wives don't. All the men here seem to have a high level of commitment. Where were you all when I was standing in line to get married? How come I did not anybody like you all? How come I got my piece of a husband and threw away 23 long years of my life on him ? How come flakey women get the good men, and flakey men get the good women? I am sorry, but it is just not fair.

 

You know what's weird? I always had this view of myself as a one of the good guys. Yet, today I once again ventured into her den only to be given the sh*%# list of why she wants to live like roomates and not partners.

 

Its as if she took off her rose colored glasses of me and replaced them with hideous glasses. She's unwilling to look at us as people who can both grow, develop. drift, make mistakes, and come back together to make improvements.

 

I still haven't figured out if its all a test or if she really is done.

Posted

enlighten - it sounds like you are sitting around waiting for your wife to give you an appointment to see her to discuss something she might be interested in pursuing. Do you have any power in this marriage?

 

You can't force her to participate but you can start working on your own little check list of TO DO's. You sound like you want to save your marriage. So you should do everything you can to increase the chances of that happening. When she finished wrapping up her project you can present her with a detailed status report on the following. Take copious notes.

 

1. Get yourself a therapist. You are going to need it.

2. Make arrangements to get an MC too. Let her know you are doing this and that you think it is very important that she attend. She does not get to decide what's important.

3. Check on cell phone, credit card usage, etc. Snoop around for stuff that might indicate and affair or obsession.

4. Organize your finances and maybe talk to a lawyer about divorce scenarios.

5. Do you have friends? If not, get some.

6. Let her know you want to save the marriage and are willing to work on whatever to give it a chance.

7. Figure out a possible time line for dealing with her reluctance to discuss. For example, you might want to give her a few weeks to finish up, etc. Stick to your calendar. If she does not start waking up an acknowledging the issues, she should move out by such and such a date, etc. Don't let this drag on forever so that she gets to decide when it is convenient for her to leave.

 

That's all I can think of now, but there are probably more. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I know how crappy it is to have spouse who appears to have one foot out the door. Don't let her gaslight you. Be prepared

  • Author
Posted
. Be prepared

 

Montclair: Perfect post! After reading it I felt some the fog lift from my head. I've been literally scratching my head in disbelief over this situation I haven't been able to think clearly.

 

Thanks again.

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Posted
I don't wear a wedding ring, have a separate bank account that I am building up and I am joyless and we don't have sex , but guess what, I am not having an affair. I am planning my departure in case it becomes clear to me that it is time for me to go out on my own. There is no easy answer to this problem. Read some of the other posts around here for same scenario, different opinions,advice.

 

I never thought that she could stoop this low. I waited to after he little business trip only to find out she's playing me for a fool!

 

This is a women who went to ladies bible studies for years, was beyond reproach. Now I find out she's been chatting it up with dudes and sleeping with some looser (who has a child and is married). This is just plain disgusting and I'm angry and ashamed at her.

Posted
I never thought that she could stoop this low. I waited to after he little business trip only to find out she's playing me for a fool!

 

This is a women who went to ladies bible studies for years, was beyond reproach. Now I find out she's been chatting it up with dudes and sleeping with some looser (who has a child and is married). This is just plain disgusting and I'm angry and ashamed at her.

 

I'm sorry, man. I am pulling for you. Any thoughts on where you stand now that the dirty laundry has been aired?

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