How do guys communicate?

[fallendisguise]

I'm curious. I understand that men and women communicate very differently. Which I'm sure we all get very frustrated with at times. LOL. Some people will tell you that you that a guy's actions tell you how he feels, where as, others will tell you that if he has feelings he will let you know.

 

In my past I have met guys who A) tell you from the beginning how attractive they find you, how much they enjoy talking to you, how they can't wait to see you again, etc. and B) who say none of the above (nothing).

 

My guy is guy B. We've been seeing each other for 6 months and are exclusive. BUT, he is not emotionally expressive whatsoever. For example if I tell him how great of a time I had with him, he laughs it off and makes a joke. However, he opens the car door for me everytime, NEVER lets me pay even if I insist, always answers my calls or calls me back if he can't, asks if I'm cold/hungry/thirsty, sees me a couple times a week etc.

 

So my question is... are some guys just not capable of emotionally expressing themselves so you should rely on their actions alone or if a guy really has feelings he'll make sure you know by telling you?

 

The reason I ask is because I broached the subject of taking the next step as in a relationship and he said he doesn't want a girlfriend because he doesn't think he'd be good at it. So I wonder if that is because he feels I want someone who might be a little more expressive and he isn't capable of that and doesn't want to disappoint or am I being blinded by my feelings and missing the clues that he's just not that into me?

[Trialbyfire]

The reason I ask is because I broached the subject of taking the next step as in a relationship and he said he doesn't want a girlfriend because he doesn't think he'd be good at it.

fallendisguise, he's communicating clearly with you. Believe it. Anything else is just self-created static.

[kizik]

No. It sounds like your guy is a total douche.

 

If I told someone I had fun with them and enjoyed spending time with them, and they laughed? I'd f*cking drop em in a second.

[You'reasian]

In my past I have met guys who A) tell you from the beginning how attractive they find you, how much they enjoy talking to you, how they can't wait to see you again, etc. and B) who say none of the above (nothing).

 

My guy is guy B. We've been seeing each other for 6 months and are exclusive. BUT, he is not emotionally expressive whatsoever. For example if I tell him how great of a time I had with him, he laughs it off and makes a joke. However, he opens the car door for me everytime, NEVER lets me pay even if I insist, always answers my calls or calls me back if he can't, asks if I'm cold/hungry/thirsty, sees me a couple times a week etc.

 

So my question is... are some guys just not capable of emotionally expressing themselves so you should rely on their actions alone or if a guy really has feelings he'll make sure you know by telling you?

 

The reason I ask is because I broached the subject of taking the next step as in a relationship and he said he doesn't want a girlfriend because he doesn't think he'd be good at it. So I wonder if that is because he feels I want someone who might be a little more expressive and he isn't capable of that and doesn't want to disappoint or am I being blinded by my feelings and missing the clues that he's just not that into me?

 

I think he's got you - but isn't interested in taking it to the next level in the same time frame you are. You want someone whose expressive, but he isn't.

 

Its more advantageous for guys to be less expressive. The emotional chase thing.

[BCCA]

he said he doesn't want a girlfriend

 

This was a disclaimer: dont expect this guy to ever be a boyfriend, he just wants to have fun. He isnt any good at it? hahaha Oh mean, the lame excuses people come up with.

 

Most guys usually say only what they need to, but are generally pretty clear in what they do say. Sounds like this guy is kind of a tool, no offense.

[fallendisguise]

This was a disclaimer: dont expect this guy to ever be a boyfriend, he just wants to have fun. He isnt any good at it? hahaha Oh mean, the lame excuses people come up with.

 

Most guys usually say only what they need to, but are generally pretty clear in what they do say. Sounds like this guy is kind of a tool, no offense.

 

None taken. I guess I just get hung up on the fact that he is really nice to me and very considerate. The other thing that confuses me, and yes drives me nuts, is that he's considered girls in the past his girlfriend because "they did a lot together." But doesn't consider me as one, but won't let me go.

 

I wonder if I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt because he is a late bloomer (didn't get involved with anyone until his early twenties... by that I mean never dated in high school and wasn't sexually active then). Technically, I've been his longest "relationship." Yes, that should throw up a million red flags, but he isn't a player so I never gave it much thought.

[You'reasian]

None taken. I guess I just get hung up on the fact that he is really nice to me and very considerate. The other thing that confuses me, and yes drives me nuts, is that he's considered girls in the past his girlfriend because "they did a lot together." But doesn't consider me as one, but won't let me go.

 

I wonder if I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt because he is a late bloomer (didn't get involved with anyone until his early twenties... by that I mean never dated in high school and wasn't sexually active then). Technically, I've been his longest "relationship." Yes, that should throw up a million red flags, but he isn't a player so I never gave it much thought.

 

The "did lots of things together" sounds kind of vague in terms of describing a girlfriend - atleast to me - a girlfriend is someone I've dated for a while and whom shares a mutual romantic interest.

 

Sounds like potential between the two of you.

[BCCA]

He could be a great guy, but not the guy for you. It sounds to me like he's somewhat immature, and really doesnt sound interested in labeling anything or being tied down. Oh well, appreciate the good times you had, but you need to go after someone who can offer you what you want.

 

But doesn't consider me as one, but won't let me go.

 

What do you mean wont let you go? Do you mean he wont commit, but still wants to hang out?

[prettybaby]

Have you met his parents yet?

 

As far as my past boyfriends are concerned, I have noticed a pattern between how verbal/non-verbal the parents communicate and how emotionally verbal their son is.

 

Don't take this as a rule. It's just an interesting pattern I have noticed personally; so I'd be curious to see if it applies to your boyfriend too.

[fallendisguise]

What do you mean wont let you go? Do you mean he wont commit, but still wants to hang out?

 

Yep. After I broached the subject I was a smart gal (at the time, not so much now since I'm still hanging around lol) and said that maybe it wasn't the best thing for us. His reply to that was something along the lines of, he regrets it, but if that is what I want he would still like to see me because he thinks I'm a "cool chic" and would like to still be friends.

 

Prettybaby, no I have not met his parents. From what he has said they seem to be pretty solid. They have been married for 30+ years and still going strong. His other siblings are married, so I have to believe that they do communicate emotionally. They always have family functions even with distant cousins, so in my opinion they value family and are a close knit group. I get the impression that it is just him that is non-expressive.

[BCCA]

Yep. After I broached the subject I was a smart gal (at the time, not so much now since I'm still hanging around lol) and said that maybe it wasn't the best thing for us. His reply to that was something along the lines of, he regrets it, but if that is what I want he would still like to see me because he thinks I'm a "cool chic" and would like to still be friends.

 

Prettybaby, no I have not met his parents. From what he has said they seem to be pretty solid. They have been married for 30+ years and still going strong. His other siblings are married, so I have to believe that they do communicate emotionally. They always have family functions even with distant cousins, so in my opinion they value family and are a close knit group. I get the impression that it is just him that is non-expressive.

 

Well, I get the feeling he's not that into you, which could actually explain why hes not being very good at communicating: he doesnt want to. I've found that people who like to 'be friends because youre cool' (and we guys here this crap, too) arent really interested in relaying exactly how they feel, because if they did, you'd probably be gone.

 

Also, anytime the word 'friends' enters the picture, run. I dont get why people really think you want to be friends with them when you have romantic interests. And last I checked, a friend is someone I grab a beer with, not someone I have sex with. What he really wants is a friends with benefits situation, but of course he wont say that, because like I said before, if he does - the gig is up.

 

People who dont want the same things you do tend to not be very upfront with thier intentions. I think he's been pretty clear, though, albeit indirect. He just wants to fool around and have a good time, you cant count on this guy to be the one for you at all. I would walk, but if you like getting laid and hanging out, more power to you.

[prettybaby]

Prettybaby, no I have not met his parents. From what he has said they seem to be pretty solid. They have been married for 30+ years and still going strong. His other siblings are married, so I have to believe that they do communicate emotionally. They always have family functions even with distant cousins, so in my opinion they value family and are a close knit group. I get the impression that it is just him that is non-expressive.

Oh, don't get me wrong. People who are more on the non-verbal side aren't necessarily bad at keeping their relationships and family together. My current boyfriend for example: his parents are on the quiet side. They're lovely people, and value family a lot. But from watching them interact with one another, I can tell they probably don't discuss their emotions and such. My boyfriend is loving and caring, but he does seem to struggle a bit with words and expressing feelings out loud. It's not something that bothers me; I actually find it adorable the way he does it.

 

My ex, on the other hand, had very talkative parents. His parents (quite ironically) were divorced. They were quite verbal, and so was my ex. He could talk about feelings and relationships for hours lol In retrospect, I don't think one is better than the other; it's just different.

 

You can really understand a lot about a person by watching the dynamics of their parents, which is the environment they grew up in.

 

Anyway, again, I'm not sure that's even an accurate rule lol It's just something I noticed. And I feel we're getting off track here! So I'm sorry for hijacking

[paddington bear]

His reply to that was something along the lines of, he regrets it, but if that is what I want he would still like to see me because he thinks I'm a "cool chic" and would like to still be friends.

 

You see, I disagree, I think he's been very clear - you're just not listening to what he's saying because you're getting distracted by his polite treatment of you otherwise:

 

you're a cool chick and he would like to still be friends.

 

he said he doesn't want a girlfriend because he doesn't think he'd be good at it

 

He's given you the answer to your question right there I'm afraid.

[You'reasian]

Yep. After I broached the subject I was a smart gal (at the time, not so much now since I'm still hanging around lol) and said that maybe it wasn't the best thing for us. His reply to that was something along the lines of, he regrets it, but if that is what I want he would still like to see me because he thinks I'm a "cool chic" and would like to still be friends.

 

Prettybaby, no I have not met his parents. From what he has said they seem to be pretty solid. They have been married for 30+ years and still going strong. His other siblings are married, so I have to believe that they do communicate emotionally. They always have family functions even with distant cousins, so in my opinion they value family and are a close knit group. I get the impression that it is just him that is non-expressive.

 

I'm thinking this guy isn't trying to force something to happen that won't happen naturally. Apparently, he digs you but maybe you haven't spent enough time together?

 

Its good that his family seems to be pro-relationship - there's more support in that, versus one that has seen many a break-up - but that's not always true.

[BCCA]

I'm thinking this guy isn't trying to force something to happen that won't happen naturally. Apparently, he digs you but maybe you haven't spent enough time together?

 

Its good that his family seems to be pro-relationship - there's more support in that, versus one that has seen many a break-up - but that's not always true.

 

Gonna have to disagree. I think he likes having fun, nothing more. If he wanted to take it slowly, he would have said that. He said that he wanted to be 'friends' and didnt want a girlfriend. Thats very different from saying, 'I like you, but really want to take this slow, but just know Im interested'.

 

What he said was a nicer version of, 'I like hanging out, dont expect it to go anywhere, though'. At least to me.

[fallendisguise]

I've found that people who like to 'be friends because youre cool' (and we guys here this crap, too) arent really interested in relaying exactly how they feel, because if they did, you'd probably be gone.

 

What he really wants is a friends with benefits situation, but of course he wont say that, because like I said before, if he does - the gig is up.

 

I would walk, but if you like getting laid and hanging out, more power to you.

 

And maybe this is Karma slamming me straight in the face, because I have always done the same when it comes to not relaying how I feel because I wasn't interested.

 

Now the FWB situation, he said that after I said there would be no more sex. Which I'm sure I can chalk it up to that being his hopeful way of keeping it open for that even after I said that would not happen.

 

Under normal circumstances, getting laid and hanging out is great when you have the right person to do it with. No pressure. I'm not a big fan of that, but at the same time I don't have the mindset that I'm looking for a boyfriend or merely wanting one just to have one. However, I find myself wanting to integrate him into my life (family, friends, etc.). He's been the first in a long while that I enjoy being with and look forward to seeing, which I'm sad to say doesn't happen often for me when I meet guys.

[BCCA]

And maybe this is Karma slamming me straight in the face, because I have always done the same when it comes to not relaying how I feel because I wasn't interested.

 

Now the FWB situation, he said that after I said there would be no more sex. Which I'm sure I can chalk it up to that being his hopeful way of keeping it open for that even after I said that would not happen.

 

Under normal circumstances, getting laid and hanging out is great when you have the right person to do it with. No pressure. I'm not a big fan of that, but at the same time I don't have the mindset that I'm looking for a boyfriend or merely wanting one just to have one. However, I find myself wanting to integrate him into my life (family, friends, etc.). He's been the first in a long while that I enjoy being with and look forward to seeing, which I'm sad to say doesn't happen often for me when I meet guys.

 

No offense, but most women do the exact same thing. I couldnt even get my ex to admit we were breaking up, or that we wouldnt get back together, or really get any definite answer out of her, and I know it was because she knew what would happen when I finally got an answer: I never wanted to talk to her again(which is where Im at now). Im sure guys do it, too, I just havent dated any of them

 

Ive had girls tell me no more sex without a relationship, and when I accepted it, they were calling me 2 days later saying 'Im horny, come over'. People say that all the time, he might not have been completely convinced you meant it.

 

If you want to intergrate him into your life, hes not a booty call. That means you have feelings for him beyond sexually. And if you stopped sleeping with him, would he want to meet your friends and family? I dunno, hard to say. I think it sounds like you wanted more, but since hes made it clear he doesnt, youre re-evaluating it and wondering if you can live with a FWB. Just know, its never going to be more than that, ever, so take that into consideration if you want to go along with it. And the chances that any man is going to stick around and be faithful when you had sex before, and are now taking it away, is not good.

 

Food for thought.

[fallendisguise]

No offense, but most women do the exact same thing. I couldnt even get my ex to admit we were breaking up, or that we wouldnt get back together, or really get any definite answer out of her, and I know it was because she knew what would happen when I finally got an answer: I never wanted to talk to her again(which is where Im at now). Im sure guys do it, too, I just havent dated any of them

 

Ive had girls tell me no more sex without a relationship, and when I accepted it, they were calling me 2 days later saying 'Im horny, come over'. People say that all the time, he might not have been completely convinced you meant it.

 

If you want to intergrate him into your life, hes not a booty call. That means you have feelings for him beyond sexually. And if you stopped sleeping with him, would he want to meet your friends and family? I dunno, hard to say. I think it sounds like you wanted more, but since hes made it clear he doesnt, youre re-evaluating it and wondering if you can live with a FWB. Just know, its never going to be more than that, ever, so take that into consideration if you want to go along with it. And the chances that any man is going to stick around and be faithful when you had sex before, and are now taking it away, is not good.

 

Food for thought.

 

You are correct. People don't/won't give a definite answer because once they say it out loud reality becomes truth and reality may not necessarily be what they want. It is so much easier to put up a facade and live within that (the reality of your ex facing the fact that you never want to talk to her again). It is so much easier to live in a fantasy world at times and that fantasy world is that everything is ok and will be fine and dandy. It's called denial. Unfortunately, it seems that I am living in that world right now. It easier for me to go "oh he's a good guy, he's nice to me, he treats me well, etc" then to admit what you and other posters on here have said: he is communicating clearly and his communication says that he does not want more.

 

As far as re-evaluting if I want him as a FWB...hmmmm. I could say yes, but then I would be lying to myself. I would be continuing it in hopes that it would turn into something more. It is appararent from what other posters have said that it won't turn into something more. I would be kidding myself. I have been in this situation one time before and it lasted for 4 years. Lesson learned. I am still dealing with the aftermath of that one and dealing with the fact that the guy still wants to be "BFF" (I haven't slept with him in a year) but yet gets p*ssed that I'm seeing someone else. *Sigh*.

 

I just find it incredibly frustrating that I somehow end up being "that girl." It's been almost 6 years since I've had a boyfriend. I've met a lot of guys a long the way that I've never really been into. The ones I do meet that I am seem to put me into that FWB category. I'm an independent chic who is very understanding and non-demanding. I don't put pressure on guys because I try to treat them how I would want to be treated. Let me do my own thing and when we're available let's get together. It almost makes me wonder if I need to be someone who is clingy and demanding? The reason I say this (and no offense to anyone) is because I have friends who are that way and they seem to be successful in that department.

[BCCA]

Yeah, I'm the guy who is always 'really funny, sweet, and awesone', but not someone anybody wants to date, or even sleep with. Great, right? Nothing more fun than being an emotional tampon for a girl who is probably going out and nailing a biker when shes done sobbing to me.

 

I think its a numbers game. Some people get lucky, but for most of us, you have to go through a TON of losers to get anyone halfway decent.

 

It almost makes me wonder if I need to be someone who is clingy and demanding?

 

No one likes people that are clingy and demanding, and guys will only put up with that crap if they think youre hot and you put out a lot. No offense, but there are very few women who are worth putting up with that are demanding and clingly, and any man who tolerates it is probably spineless and weak willed. You dont want that guy.

 

Dont change who you are to meet someone or youll never be happy. If you just be yourself, the right person will come along someday. Trust me, I know how it is - I cant even get a date to save my life, but Im not going to start re-thinking my boundries or consider playing games.

[fallendisguise]

Dont change who you are to meet someone or youll never be happy. If you just be yourself, the right person will come along someday. Trust me, I know how it is - I cant even get a date to save my life, but Im not going to start re-thinking my boundries or consider playing games.

 

 

I'm glad you said that and the same applies to you (you already know that by what you just said). You will find someone who thinks really funny, sweet, and awesome' really is awesome.

[lifereversal]

His Moon is probably in Capricorn. Astrology.

 

Do a free birth chart: http://www.0800-horoscope.com/birthchart.php

 

The best qualities of moon in capricorn come out when were not so interested.

 

The thing about him, the emotions are there, he puts them to the side, because he see's them as weak. Does things for you to show he cares.

 

I put my emotions to the side and when someone asks me to express them, they come out overflowing. When I date, I do my best not to get so interested, thats when my best qualities come out and I can express my emotions easily; then we fall for eachother.

 

He might be way too interested and keeps putting his emotions to the side.

[BCCA]

His Moon is probably in Capricorn. Astrology.

 

Do a free birth chart: http://www.0800-horoscope.com/birthchart.php

 

The best qualities of moon in capricorn come out when were not so interested.

 

The thing about him, the emotions are there, he puts them to the side, because he see's them as weak. Does things for you to show he cares.

 

I put my emotions to the side and when someone asks me to express them, they come out overflowing. When I date, I do my best not to get so interested, thats when my best qualities come out and I can express my emotions easily; then we fall for eachother.

 

He might be way too interested and keeps putting his emotions to the side.

 

If you trust astrology more than common sense and the facts in front of you, youre asking for trouble. This guy has came right out and told her that he didnt want a girlfriend, and that she was a cool chick he wanted to hang out with, and stay 'friends'. Dont get caught up in that 'sign' nonsense, he wasnt looking for the same thing. I'm sure there is some wrinkles of truth in there, but mine is flat out wrong, as are every horoscope Ive ever read.