reservoirdog1 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hey everybody. Split from XGF in July last year. We were living together for the preceding nine months. She has two kids from previous relationships, the youngest of whom is a girl who's approaching 4 years old. During the relationship, the little girl saw me a lot more than she saw her bio father, who's a bit of a dick. She definitely grew to love me, and I her. Really sweet little thing. The first several months post-split weren't easy, and I had to deal with a lot of blatantly guilt-inducing emails and phone calls from XGF. Things have been much more "level" for 6-8 months now. I've gotten together with them several times since then, but with a few weeks to a couple of months in between. Anyway, last night I got an email from XGF, letting me know that the little girl still asks about me, wants me to live with them again, etc. I don't doubt this. What I'm unsure of is how to deal with it. I've been advised by some that the best thing to do in this situation is to stay out of the little girl's life and, sad as it seems, allow her to "forget me", and that by popping into her life every couple of months or so, it just delays that process. I'm not sure if XGF's latest email was sent with a bit of intended guilt-inducement, or not. It certainly could have been; XGF also said in the email that she misses the good times we had, though she recognizes the things that were the big problems between us. So, I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I wouldn't mind seeing the little girl again; actually, I'd like that. But my concern is what's best for her in the long term. I'm torn between seeming selfish on the one hand (for being interested in seeing her, regardless of the consequences) or cruel/cold on the other (for refusing to do so). I don't know what the best thing to do is, for the child's sake. Complicating things a bit is the fact that I'm in a new relationship (since February) that's going really well. I don't know how my GF would feel about any of this; she's fairly easy-going and I get the feeling that she wouldn't mind, but I don't know what the right thing to do is with respect to the little girl in any event. Anybody have any thoughts? When small kids are involved, is it best to "sever contact" so they can move on? Does seeing them just mess up their getting-over-it process? Thanks guys...
Ronni_W Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 When small kids are involved, is it best to "sever contact" so they can move on? Based on what I've heard and read, yes, it is best (for the kids) to vanish completely. You may want to consult with a child psychologist, though, or look into the studies and research. It's tough. Sending Wisdom and Guidance.
VAmama Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Speaking from experience on the other side.... I have a now 7 year old and had been with my bf for over 2 years when we split.... I think it was easier for my son that he did not see my ex after the split. It was an unspoken, mutually agreed upon thing (my ex didn't make an attempt to see my son, and I didn't ask him to come visit my son either). Even though my ex was like a second father to my son, and my son ADORED the man and just looked up to him like there was no one better.... he didn't really show much emotional distress over having him out of our lives. He was sad for a bit about it, but moved on. Kids are amazingly resilent; much more than I think we (adults) tend to believe. I would suggest you stay out of the children's lives at this point, and really, do you realistically see yourself continuing a relationship with them another 10 years down the line? If the answer is no, it's better to end it now rather than later. Additionally, it seems like your ex may be using her children to guilt you just a bit, which is shameful in my opinion. Best not let her take advantage of her children in this way. Best of luck!
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