CaliGuy Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I'm sort of at a crossroads right now. I've been out of a ton of dates, literally. I mean at one point I was going out with a different girl each week. First dates, of course. My problem is none of these women even remotely excite me to the point I'd want to see them again. Some have issues (high maintenance, depression, lack of confidence, etc). It's not that I am hung up on any exs because I don't believe that is the case. If it was I wouldn't even have the motivation to go out. It's not that I don't flirt with women, because I do all the time. I come across as confident, secure and not needy (took a long time to overcome those feelings). Some of these chance meetings lead to dates, others do not (just the odds at work I suppose). Can't seem to put my finger on why it's this way. At my age I'm thinking that maybe God's plan for me is to just stay single and try and help out the broken hearted as much as possible. To help people who have gone what I've gone through recover as fast as possible. That's a service I enjoy but -- at some point I want to experience love, marriage and building a family too. At one point in my life I believed there was someone for everyone but now I am starting to rethink that philosophy. I'm starting to believe there is no one for me because I fall into that dreaded category: "The one's I like don't want me, the one's who want me I don't like." I'm not sure if this is a "woe is me" post or if I am trying to figure out what is that is keeping me from meeting someone who excites me. Someone I can't wait to see and hang out with. I'm sure I am not the only person to be in this predicament or feel this way. But at 40, I'm starting to think the door is nearly shut on finding my soul mate, so to speak.
Soul Bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 who was the one girl you met that felt like your soul mate? Maybe you should send her an email Im mean, your not getting any younger You never know what could happen bro...there must be someone in your life, past or present that you really fely like there was something there???
Author CaliGuy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 who was the one girl you met that felt like your soul mate? Maybe you should send her an email Im mean, your not getting any younger Hah, there have been 3 in my life total. #1 was my highschool sweetheart. We broke up when I was 19. #2 wasn't until I hit 35 (that's a long time to not meet anyone special). She ended up cheating on my when I went home to bury my mom. Nice eh? #3 might be the girl from work, but then again, I think I was far more into that relationship than she was. I was 39 when we met so that was another dry spell. Not as bad as first. There you have it. Three women total in my lifetime. All three I was excited over and all three pushed all the right buttons. Very hard to find someone like that. Admittedly between 20-35 I wasn't even remotely ready to be married and had lots of "meaningless" relationships. Women I dated for months or even 3 years in one case, but none of them really had me saying "I want to be with this person all the time." I think that's what I am looking for. Someone I can be with all the time and not think "sheesh I need a break from her..."
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Cali, everyone hits a jaded period in life. Sometimes it's just how it is. Why not just take a break from dating for a while and not focus on it. The dating treadmill can be hard going sometimes. Also, your comments regarding the women you date being high maintenance, hard going, having issues etc... how do you know this after just one date..? Maybe you're making presumptions which aren't there. Some of that I think comes from being around heart-break a lot (yes, I mean LS). That's why I take a break. Advising others is admirable but also it can have the effect of making you feel jaded about people and their issues and their lives. I know it does for me. I find myself making posts and then thinking afterwards 'I just said something like that, yet I don't even know that person'. Take a break. That's my vote.
2sunny Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 here's the deal... keep an open mind and not a "set" idea of what the gal is going to look like. if you go into it with an open mind - the possibilities are endless. maybe you are meant to love yourself enough before it is enough to give to another gal... time will show you that. sometimes - men that i think are attractive turn out not to be after i understand them on the inside. sometimes - men that i thought weren't very attractive end up being amazingly beautiful to me after i get to know their true character. so in other words - i'm not looking for the exterior in a person like i once was... i'm looking at the whole person. this includes people that once would have been immediately eliminated from MY CHOOSING based upon my past habits. keep an open mind and heart. does that make sense?
Soul Bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 CG- GF no.2 sound like a nasty piece of work. That literally makes me feel so angry. Maybe that why she was 'no.2' ...if you catch my drift. I do have to agree with Chinook here on something. My current ex, when we first met I was not really that into her, but then I ended up falling madly in Love after almost a month together. She was my rebound too from the previous ex. The fact we are over now tho after 4.5 years, i guess doesnt help you much tho ....
Author CaliGuy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Cali, everyone hits a jaded period in life. Sometimes it's just how it is. Why not just take a break from dating for a while and not focus on it. The dating treadmill can be hard going sometimes. Also, your comments regarding the women you date being high maintenance, hard going, having issues etc... how do you know this after just one date..? Maybe you're making presumptions which aren't there. Some of that I think comes from being around heart-break a lot (yes, I mean LS). That's why I take a break. Advising others is admirable but also it can have the effect of making you feel jaded about people and their issues and their lives. I know it does for me. I find myself making posts and then thinking afterwards 'I just said something like that, yet I don't even know that person'. Take a break. That's my vote. I know they are high maintenance by the date and talking to them before and after. I'm a pretty good judge of character and know that it's better to keep looking than trying to fit square pegs in round holes. I'm ok with the taking a break part. Definitely need it. here's the deal... keep an open mind and not a "set" idea of what the gal is going to look like. I don't because if there wasn't any physical attraction I wouldn't go out on dates wit them if you go into it with an open mind - the possibilities are endless. maybe you are meant to love yourself enough before it is enough to give to another gal... time will show you that. I don't think that's an issue. I love myself enough to say NO to a second date, that's for sure. sometimes - men that i think are attractive turn out not to be after i understand them on the inside. sometimes - men that i thought weren't very attractive end up being amazingly beautiful to me after i get to know their true character. so in other words - i'm not looking for the exterior in a person like i once was... i'm looking at the whole person. this includes people that once would have been immediately eliminated from MY CHOOSING based upon my past habits. keep an open mind and heart. does that make sense? Yes that makes sense and I am not judging them completely on looks. Remember, I said I wanted to be excited to see them. That doesn't mean BOINK them, it means that they excite me enough to want to hang out and chat and do things together. And I am the kind of guy who isn't necessarily arm candy (but ain't bad on the eyes either) that once you get to know me you DO see a diamond in the coal. Sometimes I just say stupid things on a date because I tend to side towards sarcasm and not everyone can see the humor in it. So lately I've been holding back and even that's not really working. And like I said, it's not that I have a hard time getting dates. I have a hard time CONNECTING on a level that makes me want to see them again. This is much more than looks...because I have been on dates with some very beautiful women lately. It's always been more than looks for me.
amaysngrace Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Yes plan to be alone. Realize that is your destiny. Believe that with your whole heart that being alone is right for you. Life is good when you're single. You don't have to answer to anyone and you don't have to obligate yourself to another person. Plan to be single forever and the next thing you know she'll show up. :laugh:
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Yes plan to be alone. Realize that is your destiny. Believe that with your whole heart that being alone is right for you. Life is good when you're single. You don't have to answer to anyone and you don't have to obligate yourself to another person. Plan to be single forever and the next thing you know she'll show up. :laugh:This is how it always happens for me too :-p
2sunny Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I don't because if there wasn't any physical attraction I wouldn't go out on dates wit them This is much more than looks...because I have been on dates with some very beautiful women lately. It's always been more than looks for me. this reads like a contradiction and exactly my point. why not date someone you aren't initially attracted to and see if she becomes attractive as you get to know her (as long as you like her company). it's nice to have the initial physical attraction - but sometimes it does appear after knowing the personality through and through. that is when i understand that i love the whole person that i didn't initially eliminate based upon just looks. btw, you do realize that you live in one of the most PHONEY areas of the world - right? this fake stuff everywhere makes it that more difficult to determine what is real (genuine) and what the illusion is. if you consider yourself a diamond in the coal - it's no different than what efforts a woman will need to make to see the true beauty of the real you. as long as you present the true you (sarcasm and all) - it makes it easier not to pretend through the whole getting to know each other stage.
Author CaliGuy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 this reads like a contradiction and exactly my point. why not date someone you aren't initially attracted to and see if she becomes attractive as you get to know her (as long as you like her company). If there is no physical attraction, there will be nothing more than a platonic relationship for me. If she's ok with that, I can add her to my friends list. It won't go any farther than that -- which is not really falling in line with my long term goal, ya know? it's nice to have the initial physical attraction - but sometimes it does appear after knowing the personality through and through. that is when i understand that i love the whole person that i didn't initially eliminate based upon just looks. While I completely agree with this example, I have yet to see it apply to me. Maybe it's simply that once I decide they are not physical attractive to me I just kinda move on to the next candidate?! Lol. btw, you do realize that you live in one of the most PHONEY areas of the world - right? this fake stuff everywhere makes it that more difficult to determine what is real (genuine) and what the illusion is. While that is true, especially where I used to live (LA/OC), San Diego is a bit more down to earth. if you consider yourself a diamond in the coal - it's no different than what efforts a woman will need to make to see the true beauty of the real you. as long as you present the true you (sarcasm and all) - it makes it easier not to pretend through the whole getting to know each other stage. Well that is one thing I never do is try to be something I am not. I just be myself and if they like me and there is a connection, great. If not....well....you get to the spot I am in now
Flying Burrito Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 CaliGuy, I'm a lot younger than 40 but I'm pretty much there anyway. I have spent a some time thinking it over the past few weeks and if this wasn't anonymous, you wouldn't be reading it. What I think this far is, I think I genuinely lack passion for living life the way most other people have passion for living life, if in fact, people really feel the passion they claim to. I'm unsure about that really. It seems like people have an idea of "how life is supposed to be" and the "passion" is all the running about trying to make life how it's supposed to be and starting all over again when life lets you down. I don't care to live my life on those terms so I don't. I just live. I enjoy doing things like playing the guitar and joining friends for a beer or many. I like to make my life better. I have a high-paying job that is easy so I can attend uni at the same time without getting stressed about it. I live in a great city surrounded by great people. My parents are still together, I get on with my siblings. I have hobbies I enjoy... and I seem to attract women easily... So I have a personally satisfying life and I have no complaints. But, I'm not feeling whatever that intense thing is that makes people care deeply about things, or each other. I care about things, but there's no one person or thing I would say I can't live without. About a week ago, it hit me that the idea of passion, the electricity of feeling things very deeply, possibly to the point of immersing one's self so completely that the attachment, the feeling and the doing are no longer intellectually separate in the moment, I think that is the something I stopped having. The last time I felt anything like that was with my ex and that was years ago at the beginning. And dude, she was perfect for me, understood me, gave me attention, gave me space, gave me love, took as well as she gave, she was amazing. Ames was the full package. The brains, the body, the passion and I stopped feeling it. Then later toward the end the feelings were deep but they felt bad. Occasionally I'm annoyed or disappointed with people but that's about as far as it goes. I love my family but I'm not do or die attached there either. So there it is. Happy. Content. Satisfied. Detached.
Author CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 So there it is. Happy. Content. Satisfied. Detached. Yeah I get you man. We are a lot alike except that when I meet someone I connect with, I get that excited attraction that I only feel with a few, exceptional women. Maybe I just want or expect too much?
WiseOne1 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah I get you man. We are a lot alike except that when I meet someone I connect with, I get that excited attraction that I only feel with a few, exceptional women. Maybe I just want or expect too much? I know exactly how you feel, of course you can get out and date, but you haven't felt "this is the one" in a long time. Your looking for that special love, that gives you butterflys and makes you nervous nd such. Its possible to expect to much, I know I do and thats my issue, sometimes I meet alot of women that give me that special feeling, and then the next couple of days I find out they have children.....or a crazy ex that there hung up on....or that they feel that they've been hurt by guys too much and can't trust again... or they even start giving red flags in the first couple of days. Maybe were picking choosers, im not like most young people, as you know alot of young people go through "the deep in love" phase many times, but so far i've only went through it twice. I guess I still got time, im only 19, but I find myself moving at a slow rate even for my rate, I flirt with alot of women also, and usually get to green light, but then it just doesnt feel special....
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Keep in mind, the older you get, the women you might date will be older too..That means baggage, either emotional or something..EVERYONE has baggage. Honestly, I think you are looking for the more or less perfect female with no baggage. Give afew of them a chance. Not everyone opens up and is comfortable on first/second dates. Have any of the women you've dated caught your attention? Or have you written them off because of their 'issues.' ? Just curious.
Author CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Keep in mind, the older you get, the women you might date will be older too..That means baggage, either emotional or something..EVERYONE has baggage. Honestly, I think you are looking for the more or less perfect female with no baggage. Give afew of them a chance. Not everyone opens up and is comfortable on first/second dates. Have any of the women you've dated caught your attention? Or have you written them off because of their 'issues.' ? Just curious. The ex at work made me feel "excited" about her the same way the ex that brought me here made me feel. She had her issues too and is far from perfect but I loved her for who she was. The girls I am meeting now lack personality, confidence or what not. There are many issues I can overlook but I can not overlook the lack of excitement about them. That, I absolutely must have, for passion and love to exist.
Tizzy Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 "My problem is none of these women even remotely excite me to the point I'd want to see them again." Maybe try meeting people while doing things you enjoy (ie hobbies, favorite spots, etc). You'd at least already have something in common to build off of. Also, like a few others mentioned, maybe try adjusting your expectations on that first date. Be a little more open-minded and don't rule a woman out so quick just b/c of what you see the first time or two that you talk to her and see her. Focus on really getting to know the few women who capture at least a teensy bit of your interest. You never know where it will lead and how your heart may open up.
Flying Burrito Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah I get you man. We are a lot alike except that when I meet someone I connect with, I get that excited attraction that I only feel with a few, exceptional women. Maybe I just want or expect too much?Right. The girls catch my eye, enough to be interested in a date, but not enough to stay interested. There is no deeper connection. I know what I want. I know when they're not it. I'm not talking about the physical side either. I can find sex whenever I want but sex without being in love leaves me empty and hating.
motive2002 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 It will happen. Some chick will come along and make a strong impression on you... so strong your own confidence that you've worked so hard to build will be shaken. I'd bet my last dollar on it. When that happens.. buckle up! It's gonna be a wild ride!!!! yeeehawwww!!!!!
Gottabestrong Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Hey Caliguy, I think I know exactly what you are talking about. I am going to be 33 in a few weeks and I am starting to feel that I will be single all my life. And as I am a woman and my biological clock is ticking, I am devastated by the thought that I will probably never have children. Like you I don't meet men I really fall for very often, even though I date regularly. My last serious relationship ended when I was 28 and I only fell in love again last year, with a man who ended up going back to the wife he had been separated from for a year. So now I am single again, lonely, heart-broken and worried that I will never find 'the one' or at least someone who will love me enough to have a family with me. While all around me people are getting married and having children. Why can't I have that too? I just want to find someone to love who loves me back. Is that really asking for too much? Sorry, seems like I needed to rant a little bit myself.
Author CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Right. The girls catch my eye, enough to be interested in a date, but not enough to stay interested. There is no deeper connection. I know what I want. I know when they're not it. I'm not talking about the physical side either. I can find sex whenever I want but sex without being in love leaves me empty and hating. Nail. Head. I agree with you because this is exactly what I am going through.
Author CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Hey Caliguy, I think I know exactly what you are talking about. I am going to be 33 in a few weeks and I am starting to feel that I will be single all my life. And as I am a woman and my biological clock is ticking, I am devastated by the thought that I will probably never have children. Like you I don't meet men I really fall for very often, even though I date regularly. My last serious relationship ended when I was 28 and I only fell in love again last year, with a man who ended up going back to the wife he had been separated from for a year. So now I am single again, lonely, heart-broken and worried that I will never find 'the one' or at least someone who will love me enough to have a family with me. While all around me people are getting married and having children. Why can't I have that too? I just want to find someone to love who loves me back. Is that really asking for too much? Sorry, seems like I needed to rant a little bit myself. It's ok, use the thread to vent. Sometimes it's good to know that I am not the only one dealing with this issue! It will happen. Some chick will come along and make a strong impression on you... so strong your own confidence that you've worked so hard to build will be shaken. I'd bet my last dollar on it. When that happens.. buckle up! It's gonna be a wild ride!!!! yeeehawwww!!!!! Haha, BRING IT ON! I'm ready for the ride!!!! And I hope your right!
motive2002 Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Haha, BRING IT ON! I'm ready for the ride!!!! And I hope your right! I know I am. Just be careful what you ask for........ you just might get it.
Author CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 I know I am. Just be careful what you ask for........ you just might get it. Like I said, BRING IT. I've been ready for about 6 years now....
Flying Burrito Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Nail. Head. I agree with you because this is exactly what I am going through.So it would seem. An answer to the did I seriously cock it all up or am I really being true to myself question would be nice eh?
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