Confident yet full of self doubt

[Sam Spade]

I'll take big barrel of angst over big barrell of self-righteousness any day.

[Trialbyfire]

Pot, kettle, black, Sam Spade!

 

The only difference is that you're both.

[Isolde]

I want to let guys pursue me more--not play hard to get, but stop trying so hard. I think part of me just fears what Kamille used to fear--that no one will approach me and I will end up self limiting.

[ilovefreshair]

This post totally resonates with me because I feel exactly the same way!

 

I am a confident person and at any given time I always have a guy or two that I know are interested in me, but I'm not raising that to gloat. I know that I have a lot to offer a guy but as soon as I meet one that I'm interested in (which barely ever happens) I start to self-doubt like crazy. All of a sudden I'm not good enough for him! He's wonderful, and I'm nothing... it's so self-destructive and I can't for the life of me understand it either!!!

 

If you find something that works for you, I'd love to hear it.

[MissHollywood]

Have any of your friends told you that you come across as unapproachable? I have people telling me that when they first saw me, they thought of me as that but it was only after knowing me that they found out I was fun and great to be with.

 

Another thing is you mentioned that you're confident (of course a good thing but) so maybe you came across as that and guys are intimidated and don't want to approach you?

[Isolde]

I mean, anyone that can't handle the particular combination of confidence and shyness that I have, can't handle my personality, so isn't a good match for me.

[tkgirl]

EXACTLY. I could have written this! I'm like a statistician, always busily collecting evidence based on past experiences that I can't change. And you know what? A statistician would probably conclude that I can't. So knowing that how do I change my attitude? How does one succeed without self confidence, and how does one grow self confidence without succeeding?

 

I know for a fact that being more optimistic would improve my chances of a happy, successful life, and I desperately want optimism, but how do you just get it? Sometimes I wish I could have a partial brain transplant. Keep the parts that work well, exchange the rest.

 

Gah, I think too much for my own good.

 

I know there's like 100+ responses to this thread now and I've only got to #10 but I wanted to tell y'all about these "hypnotherapy mp3's" I downloaded a while back... and one of them was for "positive thinking"! because I felt like I "forgot" how to be positive! and I kid you not...after listening to them (and usually falling asleep to them!) I started to feel like a new person.. happier, stronger, more content etc. I truly believe our thoughts create who we are...

anyways, google "hypotherapy" and it should take you to the link...

[SoulSearch_CO]

I agree that mindset has a lot to do with it. It's easy to sabotage things in your mind and have them happen IRL and think, "See? I KNEW it." You'll always be able to prove yourself right if you think negatively.

 

But I'd say in your case that not being approached as much could have a lot to do with your looks and confidence. That's intimidating to guys. Not only do you have looks that can make a guy think, "She could never be interested in me," but you have confidence in yourself beyond what's on the surface. So you're walking around thinking, "He could never be interested in me" and they're probably thinking the same thing.

 

I think both things could be helped by thinking in more positive terms and acting based on that.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I also wanted to add. You don't give people a whole lot of choice in the matter when you reject yourself from them. Meaning that you predetermine what's going to happen.

 

In HS, I was painfully shy and just figured I wasn't worth getting to know. I didn't have a whole lot of friends (very bad self-esteem). You know what people on the outside looking in thought? They thought I was a snob - like I thought I was better than everyone else. So far from the truth that when I heard this from people, I was dumbfounded. So you never really know what image you're portraying when you're too absorbed/worried about what other people think (i.e., "he wouldn't be interested").

 

Just sayin...

[filh]

may be you are sending out wrong signals?

[paddington bear]

Ok, I posted here in another thread about what I thought was a date, that a guy had suggested and then he decided that he didn't want to go on (dropping me in favour of potato salad as it turned out...lol).

 

Anyway, under normal circumstances this 'rejection' would have crushed me, whether I was crazy about the guy or not, because he would represent 'everyman' and as usual it would remind me that I'm not good enough not only for the men I like, but neither for the men I don't really like, not good enough for anyone. Boo hoo, what's wrong with me? And so on.

 

However, I thought, I'm not doing this to myself any more. And thought instead, well, you know what, this guy was nice and funny and intelligent and I had a nice time with him on our first date. He's not the usual emotional f**k-up that I generally go for which is definite progress for me. Positive note number one, I got to spend time with someone nice, I got to practice being on a date and it was a step forward towards meeting the right person for me, one date is better than no dates at all, the way I look at it.

 

Positive note number 2. I didn't take him not turning up personally (helped by the fact that I wasn't totally bowled over by him, I admit) and thought, well at least this isn't going to drag out. I know he's not that bothered, nor am I, keep your eyes peeled for the next potential.

 

Positive note number 3. Instead of feeling like 'why doesn't ANY guy like me'. I just looked around to see who was interested, this one guy at least turned up for one date, that must mean someone else out there would do the same. And last night 2 guys were interested, one very disappointed when I left a party early and asking me to stay. Another asking me to watch him and his band play. And I paid attention to this, instead of being self-obsessed by the rejection of one guy, I made sure to note the positive attention from 2 other guys.

 

All of this really helps, just minor adjustments to how you mentally respond to circumstances - I'm not fully there yet, but feel hopeful that as I start feel more confident and happy in myself that that will have a tangible effect on my love life.

[Kamille]

I want to let guys pursue me more--not play hard to get, but stop trying so hard. I think part of me just fears what Kamille used to fear--that no one will approach me and I will end up self limiting.

 

Just be patient... It took me a year to get the hang of it, and I did go through little phases of anxiety about it (where I would post threads like this one here ).

 

Saying: "I'm going to enjoy being single/dating" and learning how to enjoy being single/dating are two different processes.

 

And remember, most people love meeting other people, initially as friends. I would tell myself I don't have to be stunning/interesting to be a good friend. Take pressure off of yourself to 'get results'. You have nothing to prove anyway: you know you're a smart, beautiful, sensitive, caring girl with a lot to offer. So, go out, have fun, meet guys, and like I said, all comes to worse, you'll have made a great bunch of friends (many of whom, my bet is, will eventually ask you out... You wouldn't believe how often it's happened to me in the last year that a guy I had 'befriended' two years ago asked me out.)

 

 

I think the question you need to address for Isolde is: "How do you make yourself approachable?"

 

I am just guessing here that Isolde and Shadow... being somewhat similar in attitude are not the super bubbly outgoing airhead types that just naturally exude approach me auras.

 

LOL! I don't exude the super bubbly airheard vibe either - although I've been told that I do appear to be outgoing. This can throw guys for a loop, since, I still tend to be shy around guys. (So they think that I choose to snob/ignore them). Friends fortunately have pointed this out to me, and have been very supportive in getting me to be bolder around guys I thought were cute (like smile at them, sit next to them, touch their arms, etc.)

 

I also had a strange experience a few years back. I was hanging out a lot with a friend who is, by all standards, stunningly beautiful (yes, she models, for yoga-store ads no less). Part of her beauty is just how comfortable she makes everyone feel around her. I felt comfortable around her and would just be friendly and funny with all the guys we would meet, not expecting anything but a good time to come out of it. To my surprise, guys took as much interest in me as they did in her (me, geeky grad student, her, stunning yoga-model).

 

So being approachable is a state-of-mind, one where you learn to be yourself in all social situations. You don't have to stand out either. You can just sit back, hang out, participate in the flow of the conversation. No need to be bubbly if you aren't bubbly.

 

 

 

So, apparently you have to tell yourself that you are moving towards a healthy happy relationship, as opposed to saying I am definitely going to get one, the first one is plausible to your mind, and it makes the necessary adjustments in your outward attitude, the second one isn't believable to your mind if every past experience has pointed to the contrary and therefore it doesn't matter how much you tell yourself this.

 

Great point! It's hard to change one's frame of mind. I always keep my focus on what I want to acheive in regards to what I am learning. Isolde, you know you are lovable and you know you want to one day attract someone who is great for you. You will make it happen. Right now, you're learning how to let yourself shine through. Every little step is a step in the right direction.

 

 

I mean, anyone that can't handle the particular combination of confidence and shyness that I have, can't handle my personality, so isn't a good match for me.

 

LOL! I can't believe how alike we are. Just make sure your shyness doesn't impede you from letting men approach you. Don't clam up (which is what I used to do). If cute guys are around, take a deep breath and enjoy getting to know them.

 

 

Anyway, under normal circumstances this 'rejection' would have crushed me, whether I was crazy about the guy or not, because he would represent 'everyman' and as usual it would remind me that I'm not good enough not only for the men I like, but neither for the men I don't really like, not good enough for anyone. Boo hoo, what's wrong with me? And so on.

 

Yes! That was so me in the past. And such a detrimental thought process. But this is where confidence in yourself comes in right? It takes a lot of strenght to recognize and reject those voices.

 

You remind me: part of the process for me was to take the focus away from trying to prove to myself that I was worthy of a guy's attention, to knowing I was worthy of a guy's attention. This way, in dating/flirting situation, you can pay attention to the guys, and not yourself. This is why when I stopped paying attention to stranger's interest levels, I became a lot more approachable. I was no longer exuding self-consciousness.

 

However, I thought, I'm not doing this to myself any more. And thought instead, well, you know what, this guy was nice and funny and intelligent and I had a nice time with him on our first date. He's not the usual emotional f**k-up that I generally go for which is definite progress for me. Positive note number one, I got to spend time with someone nice, I got to practice being on a date and it was a step forward towards meeting the right person for me, one date is better than no dates at all, the way I look at it.

 

Positive note number 2. I didn't take him not turning up personally (helped by the fact that I wasn't totally bowled over by him, I admit) and thought, well at least this isn't going to drag out. I know he's not that bothered, nor am I, keep your eyes peeled for the next potential.

 

Positive note number 3. Instead of feeling like 'why doesn't ANY guy like me'. I just looked around to see who was interested, this one guy at least turned up for one date, that must mean someone else out there would do the same. And last night 2 guys were interested, one very disappointed when I left a party early and asking me to stay. Another asking me to watch him and his band play. And I paid attention to this, instead of being self-obsessed by the rejection of one guy, I made sure to note the positive attention from 2 other guys.

 

All of this really helps, just minor adjustments to how you mentally respond to circumstances - I'm not fully there yet, but feel hopeful that as I start feel more confident and happy in myself that that will have a tangible effect on my love life.

 

This is a great post PB!

[Isolde]

Kamille, wow, your advice really hits home with me. I agree that our behavior patterns around guys (though not necessarily when actually dating guys) are very similar. We both have a history of ingrained self consciousness around men, which isn't actually a lack of confidence in self but a certain awkwardness. I think I'm slowly getting better, it just might take time to see results.

 

One problem is that in the past, I met a lot of guys who were very awkward too, often more so than I, and for that reason it could be very confusing. Sometimes I thought that my friendliness was misinterpreted by them as excessive romantic interest. Maybe that was just a college thing. I dunno.

 

Location is a factor too. Having lived in several different cities, it seems like there's so much variance in how "open" people are to meeting others, as well as how many single people there are.

 

Also, one more thing. One can't COMPLETELY disregard interest levels. I mean, if someone seems awkward around you, I'm not sure if continuing to be chatty would be a good idea.

 

You have given me a lot to think about, and best of all, I feel truly encouraged. Thank you.

[shadowplay]

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[Untouchable_Fire]

LOL! I don't exude the super bubbly airheard vibe either - although I've been told that I do appear to be outgoing. This can throw guys for a loop, since, I still tend to be shy around guys. (So they think that I choose to snob/ignore them). Friends fortunately have pointed this out to me, and have been very supportive in getting me to be bolder around guys I thought were cute (like smile at them, sit next to them, touch their arms, etc.)

 

I also had a strange experience a few years back. I was hanging out a lot with a friend who is, by all standards, stunningly beautiful (yes, she models, for yoga-store ads no less). Part of her beauty is just how comfortable she makes everyone feel around her. I felt comfortable around her and would just be friendly and funny with all the guys we would meet, not expecting anything but a good time to come out of it. To my surprise, guys took as much interest in me as they did in her (me, geeky grad student, her, stunning yoga-model).

 

So being approachable is a state-of-mind, one where you learn to be yourself in all social situations. You don't have to stand out either. You can just sit back, hang out, participate in the flow of the conversation. No need to be bubbly if you aren't bubbly.

 

See, I think what your saying here is the key to unlocking this puzzle.

 

I think there just needs to be a few tweaks on being laid back and easier to approach.

 

Good practice is to sometimes strike up conversations with random guys. If your goal is to just to share a quick conversation, it will help you generate that air of approachability.

[Isolde]

Shadow, were you meaning to say something? I'm confused, I just see a bunch of hyphens