Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think if you guys knew how good I am at doing things solo, you wouldn't doubt that I feel complete in and of myself. I am not looking for someone to complete me, but someone to share things with. Your thread history says otherwise, IMO.
IrishCarBomb Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think if you guys knew how good I am at doing things solo, you wouldn't doubt that I feel complete in and of myself. I am not looking for someone to complete me, but someone to share things with. Why do you feel that you are unworthy of these types of men you could share things with? Do you honestly think they are not interested? Do you feel you aren't an interesting person? Do you feel this way because you don't get results (i.e. approached by men) when you're out?
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 SG, I do think I'm good enough, that's not the problem. The problem is that for whatever reason, Shadow and I feel guys aren't interested in us or don't feel we're their type. First, I'm not sure that applies to Shadow. She's had enough men VERY interested in her, despite how poorly she's treated them. (Not digging up the past, just sayin'... she's got somethin' they like!) Secondly, obviously there are going to be guys that aren't interested in you or don't feel you're their type, just like there are guys YOU aren't interested in or don't feel is YOUR type. You DO have a type, and thus you're limiting your options. On the other hand, you're both physically beautiful, generally kind, and freakishly smart. There are plenty of guys who would be interested in those qualities, particularly in grad school - they're plentiful! Look, I'm having a hard time meeting girls, too. This is just a part of life. There is nothing you can do but to be your "best person" all the time. That means being open, optimistic, interested and receptive. But nothing is going to make that person come along. And you cannot control if someone likes you or not. Attraction is so subjective - one person might think you're ugly and another might think you're hot. Isolde, please don't focus on this stuff too much. Sure, culture tells us that love is the "greatest thing ever," but it's also an exhaustive drain of energy and it makes life crazy and dramatic. As a wise man once told me, focus on the things you have, not the things you don't have. Great post, K.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 I just don't think I should need to feel guilty because I want an R. StarGazer, what does my thread history tell you? Do you think I shouldn't be posting on LS then? I'm not trying to be defensive or mad, I just don't understand why you guys think what I'm feeling is wrong.
shadowplay Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I just don't think I should need to feel guilty because I want an R. StarGazer, what does my thread history tell you? Do you think I shouldn't be posting on LS then? I'm not trying to be defensive or mad, I just don't understand why you guys think what I'm feeling is wrong. Hey, I'm curious to hear what the deal is with the other guys in your program at grad school. There have to be a few cute, interesting, single ones.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 First, I'm not sure that applies to Shadow. She's had enough men VERY interested in her, despite how poorly she's treated them. (Not digging up the past, just sayin'... she's got somethin' they like!) Secondly, obviously there are going to be guys that aren't interested in you or don't feel you're their type, just like there are guys YOU aren't interested in or don't feel is YOUR type. You DO have a type, and thus you're limiting your options. On the other hand, you're both physically beautiful, generally kind, and freakishly smart. There are plenty of guys who would be interested in those qualities, particularly in grad school - they're plentiful! OK, so now I'm supposed to feel bad that only a handful of guys have ever liked me? I know that some guys won't be interested in me, so I reserve the right not to be interested in some guys, too. There's no one in my grad school program who's available and I find interesting, just trust me. It's a small program.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Hey, I'm curious to hear what the deal is with the other guys in your program at grad school. There have to be a few cute, interesting, single ones. I can honestly say there is no one. I think there's only two or three guys that are even single in there.
shadowplay Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 OK, so now I'm supposed to feel bad that only a handful of guys have ever liked me? I know that some guys won't be interested in me, so I reserve the right not to be interested in some guys, too. There's no one in my grad school program who's available and I find interesting, just trust me. It's a small program. What about students in other programs at the university? Is there a coffeehouse or bar where students hang out?
kizik Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I just don't understand why you guys think what I'm feeling is wrong. It's not wrong. At all. But no matter how much you profess your comfort in your own skin, I still don't buy it. Because if you were? You would not have created this thread. KNOW yourself, KNOW that you deserve love and that it WILL come along. Right now, you don't believe that you're great.
Trialbyfire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Okay, so right now, you have an environmental issue, where there's no one around that you can connect with. So...what's the easiest way to correct this? Yes, change your environment in some way, like online dating or find a social group to hang out with, who have more contacts outside of your program.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Why do you feel that you are unworthy of these types of men you could share things with? Do you honestly think they are not interested? Do you feel you aren't an interesting person? Do you feel this way because you don't get results (i.e. approached by men) when you're out? I don't feel unworthy Irish. I do think I'm interesting for the right kind of guy. I do get approached when out, often by guys I am attracted to, but they either aren't interested in really dating, or they're taken. I've only had three or four guys ever truly interested in me (that I know of) and of those, none really felt "right". I guess in conclusion, I feel like mutual attraction happens to me very rarely, and when it does, the guy is usually taken. In addition, I have considered that I'm too picky and regretted one guy that I rejected in the past, but only one. Unlike what SG said, I'm actually pretty openminded when it comes to going on the first couple dates, even though I do have a bit of a type. I dunno guys. I feel like I need to take a break from this thread and breathe. I know you are all trying to help but I feel like I'm getting a bunch of different advice and I can't really process it. Some of you seem to think I'm doing fine, others think I'm crazy and overly demanding, and others think I should just give up.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 OK, so now I'm supposed to feel bad that only a handful of guys have ever liked me? Huh? Where'd you come up with that??? Your self-esteem needs serious work if that's the sort of thought that runs through your head. Besides, how do you know only a handful of guys have ever liked you? Just the ones you're aware of. Plus, you're young. Do you think by now you should have had 50+ boyfriends??
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 What about students in other programs at the university? Is there a coffeehouse or bar where students hang out? I go to cafes to work a lot, but no one approaches me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 OK, so now I'm supposed to feel bad that only a handful of guys have ever liked me? I know that some guys won't be interested in me, so I reserve the right not to be interested in some guys, too. There's no one in my grad school program who's available and I find interesting, just trust me. It's a small program. I don't think that is true. I would bet money that the amount of guys who have liked you vs. the number you think have liked you is a 10 to 1 ratio. My good friend in highschool always lamented that girls didn't like him. Just like you do. Turns out that lots of girls liked him... but because he could not believe it... he was unable to see it. I think your in the same boat. Shadow thinks Pessimism = Realism. That's wrong because reality flexes to your will.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Like I've said in your other threads, I think you need to just stop ANALYZING and just start DOING and FEELING.
Kamille Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I do understand the frustation Isolde is talking about. Sure great, rah rah rah, I'll just go along and enjoy my life and hope someone comes along so I can share it. I will focus on knowing I am lovable and worthy of love. But the fact is, it's a tough freakin dating world out there and to me, it sounds like Isolde suffers from much the same dating disability that I did/ that I do which is, no matter how friggin awesome my life is: "I never assume a guy is interested in me". So here is another piece of advice Isolde, you should, as a general rule, always remember that the vast majority of men love women. Adore us. So the best way to approach a guy? To assume he probably thinks you're cute. Doesn't mean he has to be 100% full on into you - it just leaves you free of trying to gage his interest level and free to focus on having fun and being yourself. ps: Isolde, I bet you a lot more guy then you think were / are interested in you. The fact that, from what I understand, you used to "choose" who you had crushes on probably meant that you "ignored" the guys who had crushes on you. See, I did that, I would crush on a guy and not notice any other guy. Now I keep running into guys who tell me "I had such a crush on you in college but you were so unapproachable".
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 So if I weren't feeling good about myself, I wouldn't post on LS about my frustrations? Surely one can feel good about oneself and still have issues to work through. It is not as though I'm doing crazy things to garner male attention.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I go to cafes to work a lot, but no one approaches me. And this means what? Didly squat, girl! I'm damn attractive, smart, and funny. At least I think so, anyway. When I head to Starbucks or Panera to work, either now or in the past when I was even more attractive, I was never approached. Ever. It never got to me... so I cannot figure out why it is with you. Then again, I got out a lot more than just going to cafes to work. Do you? What social outlets do you have? Where do you and your friends spend time?
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Like I've said in your other threads, I think you need to just stop ANALYZING and just start DOING and FEELING. I agree with you on this one. 100%. But... how? How to start doing?
Kamille Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I go to cafes to work a lot, but no one approaches me. Well, no one will approach someone furiously working away. And while I'm a big advocate of letting the guy chase, I think the approach is a whole other concept. Do you smile at guys you think are cute? Take some time to look up from your book and look lost in thought? Make sure you're sitting in a spot where there is traffic (ie, they don't have to do a detour to approach you?).
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 It is not as though I'm doing crazy things to garner male attention. HALELUJAH! And PLEASE don't start!!! (Not that you would... you're too strong for that.)
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I don't feel unworthy Irish. I do think I'm interesting for the right kind of guy. I do get approached when out, often by guys I am attracted to, but they either aren't interested in really dating, or they're taken. I've only had three or four guys ever truly interested in me (that I know of) and of those, none really felt "right". I guess in conclusion, I feel like mutual attraction happens to me very rarely, and when it does, the guy is usually taken. In addition, I have considered that I'm too picky and regretted one guy that I rejected in the past, but only one. Unlike what SG said, I'm actually pretty openminded when it comes to going on the first couple dates, even though I do have a bit of a type. I dunno guys. I feel like I need to take a break from this thread and breathe. I know you are all trying to help but I feel like I'm getting a bunch of different advice and I can't really process it. Some of you seem to think I'm doing fine, others think I'm crazy and overly demanding, and others think I should just give up. Consider the idea that guys who are taken are safe. Like nice paintings you can admire them from afar. Don't you find it interesting that so many who are unavailable seem attractive to you? Are they unavailable because they are attractive or are they attractive because they are unavailable? Just a thought.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 ps: Isolde, I bet you a lot more guy then you think were / are interested in you. The fact that, from what I understand, you used to "choose" who you had crushes on probably meant that you "ignored" the guys who had crushes on you. See, I did that, I would crush on a guy and not notice any other guy. Now I keep running into guys who tell me "I had such a crush on you in college but you were so unapproachable". But it has to be mutual interest. Also, I've rarely had crushes where I was oblivious to other guys. Not for years and years, anyway.
kizik Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Men do not approach women as often anymore because unfortunately, women have decided to be cold and icy and protective and to even go so far as to make fun of men who approach them. As a guy I will tell you that women intentionally make themselves unapproachable. So yeah, if you're banging away on a MacBook looking intense, I'm not going to approach you. And yes! Smile back! Smile! Do something! Methinks it's largely your own doing. Like I said, be receptive.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Consider the idea that guys who are taken are safe. Like nice paintings you can admire them from afar. Don't you find it interesting that so many who are unavailable seem attractive to you? Are they unavailable because they are attractive or are they attractive because they are unavailable? Just a thought. My biggest crushes were on single guys though, despite this. *shrugs* A couple of times I would meet someone I thought was cool and facebook friended them, but nothing happened.
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