Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 It's weird. I like myself, I like where I'm going in life, I feel so much better than I ever did in my university years. Yet... I still feel like a relationship is somehow out of my reach. That anyone I find remotely attractive will never be interested in being with me. I tell myself over and over again that I am being impatient. I just want to have fun. I don't mean a fling. But gawsh I don't have to get married yet. So I'm left wondering why guys never approach me. And I feel like as confident as I am, I will always doubt myself in relation to guys. Not in principle--I believe I am worthy, I believe there are good guys out there--but in practice, I haven't really seen evidence that I'm capable of finding them. So I just keep telling myself that I'm impatient but I wonder how long it will be a good excuse. Of course I don't want a bf for the sake of having one. But surely, there's got to be someone fairly compatible with me, that I can enjoy their company for a while, with potential for something more. But somehow, I just don't seem to be cut out for dating. Even my mom says I should be dating more (in terms of meeting guys and doing things with them). Yeah, it's that bad, lol. It just doesn't come together and I no longer even know what to think. Instead I just go about my day trying to be confident despite this lingering area of doubt.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I still feel like a relationship is somehow out of my reach. That anyone I find remotely attractive will never be interested in being with me. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You've got to change your mindset!
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 So I just keep telling myself that I'm impatient but I wonder how long it will be a good excuse. Of course I don't want a bf for the sake of having one. But surely, there's got to be someone fairly compatible with me, that I can enjoy their company for a while, with potential for something more. But somehow, I just don't seem to be cut out for dating. There are probably going to be a bunch of posts saying... try this or try that, but I've read plenty of your threads, and I honestly think your just fine. Don't change yourself for anybody... eventually a guy will come along and be a great match for you! The reason you have self doubt is just because you have not had a ton of experience with dating... which is probably good.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 SG, I know it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I think it's only human nature to think that way when you have no previous data pointing to a different conclusion. Also, I don't think it would be fair to myself to say, "Very soon I will find a great guy and start dating," when I have no reason to believe that's true. I suppose I am trying to err on the side of pessimism. Untouchable, thanks. You know, I think part of the reason I feel discouraged and confused is because I've been proactive and taken some initiative in the past, so I haven't been passive, while I haven't been pushy at all, either.
Mycroft Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 You cannot think this way! You know this isn't true, and that goes for everyone. You're a smart girl, I'm sure you're just venting but don't ever buy into that. It may do you some good to make more of an effort, not necessarily asking guys out, but just get out there and make friends. New friends and new social circles. You don't have to change yourself to find someone, but you might have to change your habits(if you dont get out much). I didn't get out enough, and I can be shy. In the past year I've made a serious effort to stop being shy and getting out to meet new people and its working like a charm! And im not talking about asking random girls I dont know for their phone #, thats something I've never done yet im doing just fine.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 SG, I know it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I think it's only human nature to think that way when you have no previous data pointing to a different conclusion. Also, I don't think it would be fair to myself to say, "Very soon I will find a great guy and start dating," when I have no reason to believe that's true. I suppose I am trying to err on the side of pessimism. What would the Little Engine That Could say about that?? If you think you can't, you're probably right. If you think you're unworthy, you're probably right.
Sam Spade Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 hehe, your (sincere) pessimism is one of your most attractive features, so if would be a huge mistake to fight it .
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Sam, are you serious? I don't quite know what to think of that.
Sam Spade Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Sam, are you serious? I don't quite know what to think of that. I'm totally serious , plus what's not to understand - gregarious people easily become annoying after a short perios of time, while pessimism (not to be confused with bitterness or being despondent) is endearing .
shadowplay Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 SG, I know it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I think it's only human nature to think that way when you have no previous data pointing to a different conclusion. Also, I don't think it would be fair to myself to say, "Very soon I will find a great guy and start dating," when I have no reason to believe that's true. I suppose I am trying to err on the side of pessimism. Untouchable, thanks. You know, I think part of the reason I feel discouraged and confused is because I've been proactive and taken some initiative in the past, so I haven't been passive, while I haven't been pushy at all, either. EXACTLY. I could have written this! I'm like a statistician, always busily collecting evidence based on past experiences that I can't change. And you know what? A statistician would probably conclude that I can't. So knowing that how do I change my attitude? How does one succeed without self confidence, and how does one grow self confidence without succeeding? I know for a fact that being more optimistic would improve my chances of a happy, successful life, and I desperately want optimism, but how do you just get it? Sometimes I wish I could have a partial brain transplant. Keep the parts that work well, exchange the rest. Gah, I think too much for my own good.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 How does one succeed without self confidence, and how does one grow self confidence without succeeding? By having a healthy self-esteem. It's not just related to dating, but every aspect of your life. You don't have to succeed at something first to have confidence about it. I'm running a marathon. Never have before. But I can do it. Before I took the Bar Exam, I had never taken one before. But I can do it. Before I found my current, amazing BF, I had never been with someone so wonderful. But I knew that I would, and here I am. Besides, negativity and pessimism just isn't attractive. I know Sam thinks it is, but really......
MeMyself&I Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Besides, negativity and pessimism just isn't attractive. I know Sam thinks it is, but really...... Maybe a better word then those is cocky. I know girls/guys who love cockiness. Me??.............not so much! lol
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 But, I do have a healthy self esteem. I think in American society, people are all too hasty to blame everyone's problems on lack of self esteem. Yes, confidence is important, but I think it's possible to like yourself and respect yourself and yet feel like one is doomed to fail in a certain area. I know my chances of succeeding in theoretical physics or basketball are not high, but that doesn't mean I don't have any self esteem. Of course I know my chances of finding a great BF are much higher than the above, but I still feel like for whatever reason, my dating luck isn't going to turn anytime soon.
Trialbyfire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think what SG is telling you, is to get out and do it, knowing you can do it.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think what SG is telling you, is to get out and do it, knowing you can do it. Precisely. If you tell yourself you're going to fail, you will absolutely fail. So why tell yourself that?
Odyssey Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I see myself as pessimistic, but all my friends say that I'm generally a optimistic person. I guess, having an pessimistic out-look on the world (i tend to just be suspicious when someone is trying to selling me something for example) doesn't mean I have a bitter attitude towards people. It's just the way you are and I don't think you should change. I always have a smile and I'm happy with myself.
Author Isolde Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 OK. Suppose you're right, that I am suffering from self-fulfilling prophesy. But there's still the matter of being realistic about your goals. I feel like it's unrealistic for me to expect this.
Trialbyfire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 OK. Suppose you're right, that I am suffering from self-fulfilling prophesy. But there's still the matter of being realistic about your goals. I feel like it's unrealistic for me to expect this. And who told you this? Yourself?
Odyssey Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Sometimes we over-analysis all the what ifs and whys. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself - just be patient. ...things (hopefully good things) happen when you least expect them to.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I feel like it's unrealistic for me to expect this. You feel that way because that's what YOU - and YOU alone! - are telling yourself. Tell yourself something else, and you will FEEL something else.
shadowplay Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think what SG is telling you, is to get out and do it, knowing you can do it. Are you saying fake it till you make it? What if you don't know you can do it? Just tell yourself you can?
westernxer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 If you feel that being in a relationship is the only thing that will validate you as a successful human being, then failure is inevitable.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Are you saying fake it till you make it? What if you don't know you can do it? Just tell yourself you can? Yes. Exactly. Act as if. Fake it until you make it.
Trialbyfire Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 You want a slightly geeky, lanky and intelligent guy. There are thousands of these guys in college. Get out there and do it, through exposure, one guy at a time. If you sit within yourself, doubting that it will ever happen to you, it will never happen. Also, if you take every guy who's disinterested to heart, yes, you're going to curl up and disbelieve.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 If you feel that being in a relationship is the only thing that will validate you as a successful human being, then failure is inevitable. This is true as well. Isolde, SP... what you should be saying is the equivalent of, "I'm good enough, I'm pretty enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!" Not exactly those words, but you get my drift. "I am loveable. I am worthy of a real relationship with someone special who rocks my world! He's out there. I'll meet him someday, because it's in the cards for me. Until then, I'm happy being me."
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