redfathom Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I invited my friend to a concert, and am even paying for the tickets ($18 a piece, so not super expensive, but not the point). My niece wanted to go but I haven't seen this friend much so I thought I would invite her. She is going to buy dinner in return, someplace cheap. I am also driving and it's a little far...about 25 miles one way. But I invited her so it's only fair that I drive. I sent her a text this morning to see what time she got off work, she replied a little after 4:00 PM and asked me what time I got off work. I told her I was leaving at 4:45 PM (she lives 5 min from my work). She then sent me a text that said she was going to Target after work and to call her cell phone when I got to her house. Which to me indicates that she most likely will not be home when I get there. I then offered to meet her near Target to grab some dinner, and offered two options that are cheap (like $5 a person) and in the same shopping mall. She replied that we should wait until 4:00 PM to decide where we were going to eat. I am kind of irked because I think it's a little rude that she is going to run errands after work knowing that she won't be home when I get there to pick her up... I could have invited several other people who I feel would have been a lot more appreciative of the invite.
Kamille Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I could have invited several other people who I feel would have been a lot more appreciative of the invite. Sounds to me like you're jumping to conclusions here. Nothing of the misunderstanding you described says anything about how much she appreciates the invite. Everything sounds to me like two people trying to figure out and manage busy schedules. You could have simply said, in response to "call me when you're at my place", something like: "no need to call, I can be there to pick you up at 4:45 on the dot. If you think you are going to be late, please let me know." Any chance you're irked because you've had issues with this friend in the past? Why not just go out with her and plan to have a good time, no matter what the idiosyncracies. Don't let details like this ruin your fun or your night with a friend you don't see so often. If at the end of the night she doesn't thank you or show any appreciation in any way, then you can call her unappreciative, and forego making any plans with her.
Author redfathom Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Sounds to me like you're jumping to conclusions here. Nothing of the misunderstanding you described says anything about how much she appreciates the invite. Everything sounds to me like two people trying to figure out and manage busy schedules. You could have simply said, in response to "call me when you're at my place", something like: "no need to call, I can be there to pick you up at 4:45 on the dot. If you think you are going to be late, please let me know." Any chance you're irked because you've had issues with this friend in the past? Why not just go out with her and plan to have a good time, no matter what the idiosyncracies. Don't let details like this ruin your fun or your night with a friend you don't see so often. If at the end of the night she doesn't thank you or show any appreciation in any way, then you can call her unappreciative, and forego making any plans with her.You are absolutely right! I am jumping to conclusions and I should give her the benefit of the doubt. I think I am a little upset because in the past she is always late when meeting me for things and she hasn't been calling to invite me to do things lately. Since I haven't seen her I am making an effort to hang out, thinking this is some how my fault. She has a lot of new hobbies and a lot of new friends, and for some reason she doesn't mix company. Example, she invited a group of her friends from one hobby to go to her parents cabin for the weekend. She has told me I am her best friend, so it was weird that she wouldn't invite me. She talked to me months ago about starting a book club and invited some of her other friends. She said she sent me an e-mail and asked me if I got it. When I told her I didn't she said she sent it again, but I still haven't seen it. It seems like when I call her to hang out, she has plans made weeks in advance with other people but doesn't invite me out anymore, even to a bar just to hang out. Even for the concert I sent her an email asking if she had plans tonight two weeks ago and she replied "I'm not sure. Why?" I guess I expected something like, "Not sure, but if not want to hang out." Maybe showing a little more enthusiasim (sp). I guess I feel like I am becoming a last resort friend...when just three months ago I was her best friend, according to her. I know she is searching for a boyfriend and being married I don't provide any options for this, since I don't have any single guy friends. Her other friends are single so I understand them prowling around together.
Star Gazer Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 There's 50 minutes between the time she gets off work and the time you'd make it to her place. I don't know the geographical situation, but I know I could bust in and out of Target in time. So yes, I think you're jumping to conclusions and overreacting. However, I know how you feel. My BFF is chronically late. She was late to my birthday event last week, she was late to her own wedding. So if she told me something similar, I'd be irked... BUT I'd have simply responded by reminding her of the time the concert starts, when we need to leave, etc., so that she knows it's important for her to be on time.
quankanne Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 at 4 p.m. on the Friday of a holiday weekend? You must be charmed, SG ... in my world, it'd be suicide to even attempt it red, don't let your irritation get out of the way, but just play it by ear – this might be the farewell social event for the two of you, or a great chance to have a good time with the friend you've been missing. Just don't go in grumpy and jeopardize any chance of fun this evening
Kamille Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Even for the concert I sent her an email asking if she had plans tonight two weeks ago and she replied "I'm not sure. Why?" I guess I expected something like, "Not sure, but if not want to hang out." Maybe showing a little more enthusiasim (sp). This here sounds like semantics to me. I mean, I personnally much prefer "Not sure, why?" to "not sure, if not want to hang out." (Because the second one would have made me feel like a last-resort-friend more then the first one). But I've been in your shoes, with friends who for various reasons were going through different phases in their lives. My advice: accept that you are not as close as you used to be, but that this in no way diminishes what you mean to her. I mean, if you had a crisis, this friend would be there for you, right? As to her compartementalizing (sp) her networks: where teenagers are usually tethered to each other, I find that the older I get, the more people tend to do this. It used to upset me, but now I joined the masses and am guilty of doing it myself. You know, you want to have people over for dinner, have a particular kind of conversation, etc. Joining the ranks of the compartementlizers might also help you deal with this transition in your friendship.
Author redfathom Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 A co-worker who is going to this concert told me they issued a traffic alert. The concert starts at 7:30 PM (it's a huge band with a sold out show, they even booked a 2nd event in August because of the demand). The opening band is who I really want to see, so I don't want to miss it. We have to drive 25 miles in traffic and park and get seats (we have lawn seats so it's first come first serve). If we meet up at 5:00 PM that gives us time to eat, drive in traffic for 45-60 minutes then get seats. I think we will have enough time, but I really don't want to be stressed to get there on time...my co-worker that is going actually took the day off and said her and her friends are getting there at 4:00 PM and tailgating. So I do think I am overreacting, but if someone invited me to an event and paid I would response, "What time do you want me there?" And I wouldn't be late. One time we were meeting for a movie, I told her we were going to the same theater we went to the week before (in door). I accidently gave her the wrong street, similar to the street of another mall (out door). Hubby and I left an hour before to get tickets and seats. When I called and said we were leaving she said she was going to finish watching her movie and be out there. Because she went to the wrong mall 5 minutes south of the mall we were at (my mistake) she was 10 minutes late to the movie theater we were at and I had to wait outside to give her her ticket. In my defense I am not sure how she got the two theaters confused, she had been to the one theater with us and it's indoors versus outdoors.
Author redfathom Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 So I went to the concert on friday. My friend wasn't too late going to Target. We went to dinner before and things seemed fine, she was a little grumpy and I think PMSing. At the concert she was a bit of a drag. When we got there I wanted to go buy a band shirt, it's something I do at every concert and she was irritated with me. After this we walk up to the grass where we have seats and I point to a spot and ask her if this will work and she igonores me keeps walking and sits down at another spot (which she did yesterday when we went to the movies and I think is rude. If you don't like the spot just say so, but don't ignore someone). During the band before the main band, which was the band I was most interested in, she tells me she is over them. Which didn't really need to be said. During the main band she was talking about how they used to date one of the band memebers and says, "I wonder if they feel weird because they have a baby with someone else." I said, "Not just someone else, X, I was in love with them in high school." To which she says: "Yeah but look at her, there's no competition, I mean I can't even compete." (Implying that she is prettier then me) I thought that was totally uncalled for, and untrue. She has major self esteem issues, and spent a good amount of time commenting on how other woman there looked and wanting to be compared to them. Then makes a jab at me saying she is prettier then me...which isn't close to being true. Why do girls do that to each other? Then we had to leave early because she had to get up in the morning to drive to meet her family. On the way out they were selling tickets for a return performance and she bought two, which surpised me because she didn't seem to enjoy herself. Overall I wish I had brought someone else...
Kamille Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Meh! Yeah - apparently you were reacting for a reason. Only this doesn't mean you are her last-resort friends. It means you've outgrown her. She seems like a self-involved competetive little queen who uses criticism to look interesting. You don't need that in your life. I thought that was totally uncalled for, and untrue. She has major self esteem issues, and spent a good amount of time commenting on how other woman there looked and wanting to be compared to them. Then makes a jab at me saying she is prettier then me...which isn't close to being true. Why do girls do that to each other? Correction: Insecure girls compare themselves to others. Now that I think about it, I had a friend like that in the past. I used to let her actions hurt me, because I experienced them as a judgement on me. I wasn't good enough for her 'other circles'. She even once told me something to the effect that since she was pretty, she wanted to hang out with pretty girls (message, which she confirmed: I was, according to her, only average-looking.) I moved and the friendship ended. We ran into each other years later... and you know what she told me? that she had always been jealous of me. !!! That she could see people were drawn to me for who I was, and she felt I was the complete-package: smart, creative, out-going, pretty (yes pretty), adventurous. so my suggestion: don't dwell on this. Let that friendship go. Unhealthy friendship can be as detrimental to well-being as bad relationships. It doesn't mean she is out of your life forever, but it will be healthier for you in the long run.
Author redfathom Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Well, she is sometimes a bit of a mess, doesn't dress that nice, never does anything with her hair and her makeup was not done properly. When we would go out I would always help her with her hair or makeup and she would make comments about how girls always like to dress her up even comparing herself to a life size barbie. The truth was that she really needed help. We talked about her not wanting to mix her friends and she admited that she doesn't like to share her friends. I am one of those people that get's a long with everyone, charasmatic and laid back. I think you're right, now when I hang out with her I kind of just can't wait for her to leave. Another thing that irks me, is she constantly talks about wanting to find a guy to buy her things: dinner, concert tickets, etc. I told her yesterday that most guys aren't like this anymore. They won't pay for everything... When she first met my BIL this was the conversation she brought up in the car when we were driving to a class together. I thought it was inappropriate. She kept talking about how she wanted a guy with a nice car... I think her low self esteem causes her to want to be shallow. And being married I am not interested in hanging out with someone who is constantly shallow and competative.
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