screwedup®retful Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 This is very long, so please bear with me. Here's the story of my relationship and where I am right now. We've known each other for 15 years and have both admitted to a "love at first sight" experience when we first met. We knew from our earliest meetings and conversations that we were soul mates. However, we were both unavailable. We went our separate ways in life, both married, had children, both ended up divorced. Two+ years after her divorce, she contacted me and we met and had lunch. We conversed a bit but didn't talk about there being an "us". My marriage hadn't ended officially yet, but was very far down that path. We spoke just a few times by phone over the next few months. She was seeing people and I was on the verge of ending my marriage (which she was not aware of, though I had told her my marriage wasn't a happy one). Finally, in March of '08, my marriage officially went into a separation. I was anxious to see her and contacted her shortly thereafter and asked if I could see her. She agreed. When we met, it was like we had spent our whole life together up until that point. I told her I was "available". We talked, kissed, made love for the 1st time and it was amazing. The problem was that I was not really "available" in the complete sense, having JUST exited a long marriage, but one that had been on the demise for several years. Anyway, the following day, I went and had lunch with her at work. We talked about what had happened. She said we needed to take two years apart, that I needed to get my life in order, get all of the T's crossed and I's dotted as it related to the end of my marriage. She was very calm and peaceful about it. She seemed to have no doubt that she could go on with life and be in my arms in 2 years, no problem at all. I was afraid of losing her if I didn't keep her close for those two years. I had already given up 15 years with her, why wait, right? But, begrudgingly, I agreed. I waited about 4 weeks, but sent her a birthday card and told her that I felt like we should be seeing each other. She sent me an "angry" text message that said, you need to NOT be in contact with me for two years or else you will ruin everything for us, forever. I was very sad. But about two weeks later, she called me. She said she wanted to see me and we made plans to do so. When we saw each other, she said that we needed to keep things from getting too serious. She said she felt that we should not be intimate with one another, but that we could be close and spend time together. I agreed. That didn't last long though and just a week or so later while spending time. We threw caution to the wind and became intensely and passionately involved. This is when we discovered how amazingly compatible we were in bed, both with intensity, curiosity and absolute passion. It remained this way for the rest of of our relationship. From June through October, our relationship was absolutely amazing. We fast rekindled our friendship to the point of being best friends. We talked daily, about everything, made plans for our future and became immersed in one anothers lives, families, friends, children (I have children as does she). We certainly moved very quickly as far as the relationship was concerned, but having known her for 15 years, I felt good about it and didn't feel like we were rushing anything. We talked marriage and about getting old together. We were indeed smitten both with one another. Everyone in my life that met her said she was perfect for me and everyone in her life that met me said the same. We were destined to be together or so it seemed. In November, just 7 months after exiting my bad marriage (a marriage that put my children in my former spouse's custody nearly all of the time, with limited visitation for me), I began to miss my children very badly. I started to not concentrate as much or interact as well with her, when I was feeling bad about other things in my life. One day, on a return visit from my kids, we got in a short and rare disagreement on the phone, to which I indicated "I am just not sure I can meet your needs right now" and we had our first real fight which in turn was a break-up. This lasted two days, at which point I realized the foolishness of it all. She decided to go away with her girlfriend that weekend and while she was away, I called and wanted to speak to her. Her best friend (girlfriend) said she was there to get away and didn't want her to be sad about things and she wouldn't let her talk to me. Well, I decided to leave flowers and hand written note at her house. She was to be home on Sunday afternoon. When she arrived home, she read the note, saw the flowers and called to thank me. When we spoke, I asked her if I could come over so we could talk. She agreed. When we spoke, I told her I was sorry and I didn't want to be apart from her. She said that we really needed to take a year and let me get myself together. I begrudgingly agreed. About a week went by and we had no contact with one another. Finally, late that week, she called me and invited me over to her house for a glass of wine. I came over and we talked. I ended up staying the night and we were back on, completely. She told me then that she had let her guard down when it come to our reconciling but that she had "no guard" when it came to me. She said that she felt as though we should be taking the time apart as she'd suggested but that being near me made her incredibly vulnerable to following her heart and not her head. I told her that we would make this all work and I was grateful we were together again. She told me if I made the same mistake I'd made previously, she could not take me back again. Over the course of the next two months, things were wonderful with us, but a few of our plans had changed. I had decided to make some living arrangement changes to be able to spend more time with my kids. This was going to turn our relationship into an LDR for some undetermined period of time. She contemplated moving with me, but didn't want to take her kids away from their father or be far from her family, so we agreed to make the LDR work and that it was only going to be temporary. We had talked about marrying as soon as legally possible, but talked and said we'd put that on hold for now. Anyway, the next two months were again wonderful. Deeply loving, passionate and simply amazing in every way. Around Christmas, though, I again began to miss my children very badly. It was the holidays and I was struggling. I spent a few days in a rather abrupt and frightening depression (I have NEVER experienced depression in my life and did not really know what was happening to me). During this time, I did not want her to hear me on the phone because I was sobbing and uncontrollable. In the midst of this, I sent her a note that said "I hope you will forgive me someday. Goodbye". That was it. That's all I sent. That is where my amazing relationship with my soul mate ended. After about two weeks, I realized what I had done and I begn trying to contact her to explain and try and make amends. But it was too late. I sent her a letter asking her to give me some time to sort things out, she did not respond at all. Instead, her best friend called me and told me that she did not want to speak to me, did not want to hear from me and was picking up the pieces and moving on with her life. I never was excessive with my contact. Two weeks after our breakup (which I initiated in a very cold and cowardly way), I sent her a letter which was long and emotional and apologetic. This was when I got the calls from the best friend telling me to leave her alone. I tried for a few days to contact her. I made one phone call and left a voicemail and sent her 1 text message. I got another phone call from the best friend telling me to "knock it off". So, a week passes by and I send her favorite flowers to her office with a short note. I get a phone call from the best friend again telling me that they gave the flowers away and shredded the card without reading it. It only said, "I'm sorry and I hope we can talk soon." The following week, I sent a hand written note with about 100 things I missed about us. It just said "I miss how we would cuddle and watch TV... I miss how we would kiss at red lights when driving home..." She then called me and left a voicemail. In it, she said "You need to get ahold of your emotions, We both have things we need to work on in our lives right now, you need to let me go" About 2 weeks later, having not contacted her at all, I felt compelled to call and see if she was willing yet to speak to me. She didn't answer and I left no message. Instead I sent her a text and said, I'd like to see you and talk. No response. The next day (we live part time in the same neighborhood when I am not doing the LD thing to be near my kids), I saw her car in front of her place and stopped and rang the bell. She didn't answer, though I am nearly certain she was home. So, I did not persist. That weekend, I went to two places around town that I knew she went to, but was totally not expecting to run into her at, and sure enough, I ran into her in both places. The first place was church. I scooted out right after services so as to not make her uncomfortable (she had her kids with her, too), but I did stay for the service. The second place was a local tavern that I knew she stopped in at from time to time and knew the waitstaff well. I stopped in because an old high school buddy of mine had run into me the week before and told me he hangs out there and invited me to stop by, so I went in early in the afternoon and ordered a beer and waited for him to arrive. Doesn't she come in, sees me from behind sitting at the bar and walks over into the corner. She makes no eye contact with me and doesn't acknowledge I am there. I knew she was uncomfortable and it wasn't my intent. I guzzled my beverage, paid my tab, leaned over the the barmaid (who is her friend) and said "I'm sorry" and I left quietly without exchanging words or even eye contact. The next week, I get a letter in the mail from her. It says that she does not love me and has lost all of the special feelings she once had for me. It reiterates that she does not want me to be anywhere near her or in contact with her. The letter obviously broke my heart. I did not have any contact with her at all from that point forward, BUT, a few days AFTER having gotten that letter, she calls me. I pick up the phone and in a very angry tone, she asks me if I got her letter. I calmly replied yes. She asked if she needed to contact authorities in order to get me to not be in contact with her and I said "of course not" (Mind you, my contact was never excessive, 5 or 6 attempts over the course of 3 or 4 weeks). She angrily said good and hung up the phone. The next night, I received a phone call from my sister. She had called my sister and told her she was "afraid" and wanted to know from my sister whether or not she had reason to worry. My sister insisted she did not have any reason to worry, that I loved her very much and that everything that had happened was a mistake and a misunderstanding. My sister told her that we needed to communicate and she said that I had just hurt her so badly that she couldn't. They (my sister and she) told each other they missed one another and that they loved one another. Then she (my xgf) said it was "too much for her to handle right now" and she hung up the phone. Two days later, my xgf called me and told me that she was going to contact the authorities and have them issue a "warning" against my contacting her. I asked her why, since I had not attempted to contact her at all since she had last spoken to me. She said she just had thought better of it and changed her mind. She told me I had been "self-serving" and that I had broken up with her twice in incredibly cruel ways. She said she couldn't believe I would show up at Church and the Tavern knowing that she goes there to which I replied that I did not think she would be in either of those places at those times and I was NOT trying to run into her. She said she didn't believe me and she was quite angry. So, the next day I got a phone call from a very calm and nice police officer telling me that I could not be in contact with her. I agreed and he said that he was not filing anything official, just letting me know at her request. That was in early February (just 6 weeks after our split). I obviously had no choice but NC at that point, but had already been in NC for about 10 days by the time I received the phone call. In April, I was talking to some folks in town and one asked me how I was doing. I said I wasn't doing to well and described my break up/screw up story. The person I was speaking with asked me who I had been in a relationship with (small towns are filled with people who know everyone) and so I told this person her name. The person told me she knew her (no shock in littletown, USA) and that she had seen my xgf out with some girlfriends just a few weeks before and that she was very upset and crying. When this person inquired into why my xgf was upset, she was told that she was suffering from a broken heart brought on by a guy she had been with. With this information in hand, I knew she was still suffering, as was I. I decided to try and reach out to her and see if she was ready to talk to me. I felt that I should call her from my phone so that way, she could see my # pop up and decide whether or not to answer. If she didn’t answer, I had already decided I would not leave her a message. To my surprise, she picked up (everyone since has told me this is a GOOD sign, but I have my doubts). I asked her if she was ready to talk, since it had been months since our split. She said No and that she Never wanted to speak to me. I apologized and said I had not called to bother her. She said, “Well you ARE bothering me, I am going to hang up now” and hang up she did. Three days later, I received a call, from another police officer offering me a “friendly reminder” that my contact has been requested to cease. I apologized and agreed to oblige. This was 7 weeks ago. I have made no attempts to see or speak to her in any way shape or form since. I still have days where I feel absolutely guilt ridden and hopeless, having screwed up what I believe was the most amazing relationship with my soulmate and the love of my life, ending with both of us having broken hearts over it all. Other days, I feel like this all has happened for a reason and that, if she loves me truly, she will someday find it in her heart to forgive me and allow me back into her life. If anyone has read this novel, my question is, does anyone have stories of hope, of two lovers reuniting, of long periods of time being spent apart with almost ZERO contact and then getting back together, of situations where an ex was absolutely adamant about NOT speaking to you, but coming around and forgiving and being able to allow you back into their lives. I miss her everyday and while I am moving on in many ways, I feel as though she has set the bar so high as far as future potential relationships/partners go, that it is going to be very hard for me to get into another relationship without feeling as though I am settling in some way. Stories to offer hope and encouragement would be welcomed. Thanks.
selena_cat Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 wow, this is incredible,not the length but the going back and forth it seems. You missed your kids of course you were upset btu you should have been honest with her, she has kids also, so she can understand how it feels to be apart from the, Instead you have broken up with her twice Not to say this is all yoru fault but she is afraid that she'll get close to you and you'll break up with her. Dont contact her unless u want 2 get hit w/ a restraining orders, and what kind of cops actually call people to inform people to keep away from them? That is unprofessional,sorry i dont live in a small town but mostly poloce officers would tell the person to get a restraining order not take sides and call someone as a 'reminder'. Anyway i would not contact her,it seems whenever you leave her alone she contacts you,give it time,meanwhile you need to go to a judge to see about getting fair visitation rights,first things first Get that straightened out,so id you do get together,and be honest instead of breaking up,maybe things would get better, i would try to move on till then, i hope it helps. Let me know how it goes.
selena_cat Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 i cant believe it i just sent you a long reply and it never went through, I give up, forget it, what i said,i'll shorten this was dont contact her,wait till she contacts you,she usually does when she doesnt hear from you and how is it that police takes sides and call people to leave someone alone? everything is done thru paperworkl,like a restraining order,not the police getting involved calling someone as a'reminder' meanwhile try to get the judge to order more visitation rights for you and next time be honest with her and not break up, tell her how you miss your kids,. But i would wait till she contacts you,move on till then i had a better reply,but this dumb thing didnt go through
Author screwedup®retful Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Hey Selena_Cat, Thanks for your reply. I saw both of them, by the way. I have everything sorted out with my kids and have a lot of time with them now. That is no longer an issue and just about everything in my life is sorted out the way it is supposed to be NOW. Too little too late, it seems, though. The part I wonder most about, going back to the early beginnings of our getting together, she wanted us to wait two years to see one another, but couldn't. So we were together. Then after the first break-up, she new I was struggling and wanted to wait 1 year, but couldn't. In those cases, she waited 6 weeks the first time, then 1 week the second time, before contacting me, but in each case, she had professed her love for me and told me it was just that we needed to wait. This time is very, very different in that she has professed that her love for me has died and is no longer. She has taken some pretty rigid steps to ensure I don't contact her, I would gather to make sure she doesn't have to guard herself and she has stated that she has difficulty doing that when it comes to me and our feelings for each other. I know it is anyone's guess, but from a woman's perspective, if our relationship was as amazing as I have described (and only she knows for herself if it was as wonderful for her as it was for me), do you think she would be able to truly slam the door for good, forever, or do you suspect that perhaps she is just trying to ensure that the time goes by as it probably should have early on, at least from her vantage point, without either one of us disrupting the separation? She told me that it took her a good 2 years to recover from her divorce, even though she wanted it to end. Do you think that she'll reach out to me a year from now? Or do you think my having acted the way I did seals the deal for good in her heart and in her mind?
selena_cat Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 oh sorry,this is ridiculous! when i first replied,it act as if though i never sent the darn thing. Well its okay,had lots of typos on it sorry again. I dont believe people can ever stop loving someone but the ball is really really on her court, do not contact her, doesnt matter how long it takes, and it is terrible that there are things that you want to say to her but she's just not having it. How long has it been since you tried and got an unprofessional "friendly reminder" from the men in blue? Maybe if you run into any of her friends,but that would look as if yorue stalking her,hard as it is the ball is on her court,but i dont believe people can stop loving someone,unless love wasnt there in the first place.
Author screwedup®retful Posted May 24, 2009 Author Posted May 24, 2009 Well, I got my first "call" in February. I didn't have any contact two months, but then heard the story of her being out and being really upset, crying in public and all. So, I called and got a negative response from her (i.e. I NEVER want to speak to you) following three days later by the men in blue reminder. It's been almost 2 months (7 weeks or so) since that time. I know it's in her court. Praying she'll come around.
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