Lost_love Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I had true love once, or at least I thought i did. We were friends first, best friends actually. We never seemed to be able to overcome the friends part. Now I am living with her and her daughter and I am in absolute love with her and she hasn't and doesnt feel the same. She is even seeing someone else right now. It kills me nightly. So does true love conquer all? Does something that felt so right that we were instantly friends and moved in with each other after 4 months mean anything? Was I just really naive and stupid? The one thing with her was the instant we met we both have admitted to feeling a connection. Now she is at a point were she has flat out told me there is no future other then friendship. This was said out of anger but the words were there. Where to go from here?
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think you need to move out and find your own place. I also think you need to look at your motives for moving in with her in the first place. Were you secretly hoping that by being there, she'd eventually fall for you. She likes you as a friend. She doesn't want a relationship. By staying there, you're just hurting yourself. Naive...? Is that what it's called now when we make decisions which are in the long run going to hurt us...? When we know there's more than a good chance there won't be a good outcome...? It would seem that your love can conquer all... but hers can't. Or wont.
Author Lost_love Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 A few details that I had left out. The house is mine or I should say my families house that they are renting to us. You are right though, when we first moved in together I fooled myself into believing that maybe she would see me different. She has told me in the past the only reason she moved in with me is because she thought like I did that we had a future together. Things just went so wrong and now all I feel is heartache and pain. I feel horrible for wanting her to move out. She has a little girl who I treat like my own. Its such a rough spot for me. I need to do whats best for me but all I think about is her and her daughter.
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 You need to ask her to find some place else. Imagine how it's going to be when she brings people home...? The house is yours (or your family's) so she should do the right thing and move on. You don't need to put a time limit on it - she doesn't need to rush it, but you need to stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself. Otherwise what you'll end up with is a feeling of being in love with someone who has then taken over your home and inviting all their friends, family, bfs, into your home... essentially living her life without you. Whilst you are in love with her and can't do anything about it. I have heard of these situations after years of marriage - but not like this. You need to heal and you will only do that away from her.
Author Lost_love Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Its so hard. We have lived together for almost 4 years now. I have made her my family since none of them live in this state anymore. It hurts so much to say goodbye. Thinking about it seriously makes me cry. I can't even control the emotions anymore.
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 You've felt like this for four years...?! Can you not see what you're doing to yourself...? Of course it is hard. Of course you don't want to do it - but things are not going to change. You can't make someone love you when they don't. For as long as she is there, you are cutting down your chances of healing and you are preventing yourself from finding someone who could love you. Whilst she is there, you are investing energy in a dream which will never be. You need to question yourself why you are doing this. Why are you hurting yourself this way...? Are you chasing someone unavailable to you for a reason...? I'm not saying you are but it could be an issue (it was for me).
Author Lost_love Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 You know, its kinda been a pattern of mine I guess. I fall for the emotionally unavailable. Yes this has been going on for just about 4 years now. We have actually only been living together for 3 of those years. I keep telling myself I have been doing this for the greater good which my heart kept telling me was her and her daughter. My brain kept telling me that the friendship was still important and it is. But I have been really bad at drawing the line and making myself happy. Recently I have started going back to the gym. Been going about 5 days a week. Its helping but it can only do so much. Most people that know this situation have said that I am a good man for doing as much as I have for another person and i always look at them like they are nuts. I have not always treated this girl right, I have been mean, I have been a jerk at times, made her feel guilty for us not being together. Yet somehow she doesn't leave on her own either. We are so dependent on each other. Its quite sad really
Chinook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 You're fooling yourself. She isn't dependent on you at all. You simply haven't asked her to leave. If you asked her to leave, she would. She's where she is because it makes her life easier, whilst she doesn't have to find some place else... she doesn't do it. Doesn't matter what she has said to you, or what you have said to her.... 3 years later, there is still no relationship. You're on a hide to nowhere. When it comes right down to it, this is a crappy situation and you know it is. I don't agree with the people around you who say you're a good man for doing this... you expected a reward that she can't give you. You laid conditions on this situation from the start. Do you think she would have still moved in if you had said 'well, within 12 months, I expect us to be in a relationship, sleeping together etc'. It's unlikely. I have read your other thread... yes, you were there for her but ultimately, it was conditional. She hasn't broken your heart, you have allowed that to happen. She has said she doesn't feel what you want her to. She can't give you something which just isn't there. You need to let her go and ask her to find somewhere else. Yes it's painful and it will be disappointing for her because she will realise that actually, your friendship had conditions. That can be pretty dispiriting... so in some ways, you have let her down as much as she has let you down... and there was no need for any of this to happen. You could have been there for her, without inviting this situation.
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