Where are the Other Man Stories?

[whichwayisup]

Many posts here are so negative about love in an A.

 

Yeah but it's on the expense of HER HUSBAND.

[her_halo_slipped]

You are probably right when you say that those who are entirely happy probably aren't love shacking. I am happy and am love shacking though! I think if you are happy and she is happy then for now that is great. Things change, we change, relationships change. Love is like a kaliedascope; a mix of everchanging colours and patterns, feelings and emotions. When you get a happy pattern KEEP IT! Good luck to you. I'm not going to make any comments on the moral right or wrong about affairs. So many others will do that. I'm not judging you either. Hold on to your happiness.

[crazy love]

Hello TOMan.

 

I have ben so interested in following your post. I hardly ever get to see a positive spin from a male prospective on this kind of a relationship in here, it is refreshing.

 

I do believe that it can be love, and I say this because I feel it too in my own very similar situation. I have long ago stopped posting here because there seems to be such a negative undercurrent. While I do hold on to the hopes that one day we will find ourselves together in every way (my MM and I), our relationship is it is brings me much more joy and love than sadness. He is in my heart and we share our lives together, just not in the traditional sence, still not any less intense, perhaps even more intensley. We share our lives with each other because we want to, not out of obligation or because of marital bonds.. So if you are a silly fool you are not the only one.

[Jacky]

Many posts here are so negative about love in an A. Am I just a romantic fool, or is there anybody else out there who is happy in his/her long-term A? If I see how unhappy many Ms are, I feel lucky in a way to be in a happy A... I know it is not perfect, and I often wish I could have everything of my MW. Of course, there is a bit of rationalization going on, but being in an A allows us to keep many of the daily and logistical distraction out of our R. Maybe creating more depth than a R that requires childcare, shopping, you name it. Some of you may call it addiction. Why can't I call it love?

 

I know it takes some tolerance of ambiguity, but maybe that's the price of happiness...

 

I guess most of us are on this site because we are not entirely happy. Thus the A partners who are just blissfully happy are probably not among us.

 

TOman, I think we share similar feelings just consider yourself lucky to find someone who shares the same feeling as you. Just be tolerant and patient. I am glad to see I am not the only romantic fool. Not many of us OM post here...

 

You can call it love if thats the way you feel, everybody's views are different. I am in a very similar situation with my MW so I can see this will move to a long term A. Family constraints is one of the biggest problems, even though they want to leave their H/W but they will need to stay for the kids. I also feel happy loving my MW and lucky meeting her. I rather have a long term A than going into an unhappy M.

 

Like Jennie said, shes found a place in her mind where she can accept whether he leaves or not.She knows where she wants to be for now even if he doesn't leave. I have changed my mentality similar to this as well recently. I know this is what I want to do, it might or might not go my way but this is where I want to be for now. So as a OM, I am happy and longing for now. Don't know if the situation will change later but this is where and what I would like to do now. I am trying to hold onto my happiness.

 

Best of luck.

[OWW]

Thanks, Jacky, for making this thread current.

 

It does seem strange that the forum devoted to support and discussion for Others seems to be dominated with a lack of support from those who have not walked in our shoes.

 

I am not an OM, I'm an OW involved with a MW.

 

I'd like to think that for all the generalizing that seems to go on in this forum, that we might, then be able to distinguish between the situations of MMs and MWs.

 

Despite all these generalizations, of course, folks seem to fail to remember that there are still individuals, and they may not always fit those patterns.

 

But even so, I think if we do generalize, we need to recognize there are some significant differences often at play between MWs and MMs. These are generalizations which means they might apply as much as 51% of the time, so feel free to flame back with statistics that show the changes that are occurring in society, which is wonderful, but still not necessarily relevant in the mindset of MWs vs. MMs.

 

MMs typically are the breadwinners. They have the job. MWs may or may not work, but even if they do work, they are still less likely to earn as much as MMs. Not always, but often.

 

To the extent MWs do work, in this economy in particular, it is a lot easier to raise a family in a single household with two incomes than pay the cost of two households. Financially, it just may not be feasible.

 

MWs who are parents may feel that their love for their children is greater than the love for the OP. Yes, I will agree that sometimes remaining in a marriage for the sake of the kids can be more harmful than ending and moving in different directions. But the reality is that most times we won't know which is better until we've done one or the other. And if you're going to gamble with your kids' lives, your marriage is tolerable, why not find a way to keep the family intact for the kids.

 

MWs tend to think about the effect on the kids more often, too, because they are often (again, not always!) the ones who shoulder the greatest burden of responsibilty for the kids' day-to-day lives. Either way, that umbilical cord still remains attached, and alienating your children for a love affair - even if it is the greatest love affair of your life - may be too high a price to pay. We tend to want better for our children than we want for ourselves.

 

I love both my parents. I know this is NOT entirely comparable. But my love for my mother does not exist ONLY if I don't love my father. Mind you, they divorced, so for some folks, it may be that loving one parent might be rejecting the other. But I think it is foolish and sad, frankly, to think that we can only love one person. I agree it is complicated! No question. But I do believe my MW when she tells me she loves us both. Why shouldn't she?

 

My MW is intimate with her husband daily, or nearly daily. Why shouldn't she be? Who am I to say anything about what she does with her husband? They were doing that long before I came along, and he is her primary relationship.

 

The anger that comes from BSes is an understandable feeling that they can't compete with the excitement of a "new" love and one that isn't encumbered with the every day details that their life with their spouse comes from. Yeah, that sucks. I do have an advantage. Of course I seem more desireable - I haven't heard all her stories, and I still find listening to her tell me about work interesting because I haven't heard it every day for years (although, with my former wife, I still felt as in love with her after ten years as I did when the feelings were fresh, so it is possible for spouses to sustain those feelings). Clearly when her husband rolls his eyes bored at whatever she's telling him, she'll feel frustrated knownig that there is someone else who will look at her with affection and interest. He can't compete.

 

But they have built a life together, have a home, have a family, have a history. And I can't compete with that.

 

Nor do I feel the need to.

 

It is interesting that so many assume that everyone else wants everything from one person. Yes, it would be nice, but it isn't always necessary. And sometimes it can be too much.

 

To play devil's advocate with those who talk about cake and eating it too. If I love her, why wouldn't I want her to have what makes her happy? Why shouldn't she be allowed to have both? Why should she have to choose?

 

One response, I know, is that I am getting less and settling for less. Well, guess what? Right now, I couldn't handle more - I am recovering from an emotionally abusive marriage. I need some time on my own without having to be the primary to someone else. But it doesn't mean I want to be alone, and that I don't deserve a little fun, too.

 

Another response is from the BSes - which I respect - and that the BS doesn't have a choice. Or at least a choice with full disclosure. Well, from many of the threads I've read, it seems that many of them *DO* know, and make their choice, but they may also choose to put blinders on, as well. But how many folks have instead wished they could have continued on in blind ignorance? If their spouse WAS there - maybe not 100%, but regardless of the A, they weren't there 100% to begin with, particularly if you had children - and was attentive to them, and was a partner in managing their lives - maybe that would be better than being alone, managing a split household, feeling betrayed.

 

And my belief is that because my MW is having her needs fulfilled, she is in a better position to bring her whole self to the marriage. If she's happy, isn't that a good thing in a spouse? Why be so egotistical to need to be the source of that happiness? I understand it, but really, that's a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, anyway. Why should anyone be fully responsible for anyone else's needs or happiness? Ultimately, shouldn't we all be responsible for our own individual needs, and why can't we seek having those met from multiple sources? Why should there only be one model?

 

Do I want more sometimes? Sure I do. But you know, I wanted more from my former wife, too. She didn't have it to give herself - not because she was giving it to someone else, she just lacked it. We all have relationships where we might want more than we have. But the real question is whether or not we're getting what we need from a relationship. If the relationship is fulfilling my needs, then that is an important criterion in deciding whether or not to maintain it.

 

MPs often convey conflicting information because they, themselves, feel confused and uncertain what to do. They may not have thought carefully through their decisions when they commenced the A, but the stories here clearly demonstrate, that it is often not one concrete moment or one concrete decision that begins one. Particularly those that begin as EAs.

 

But it is easy to sit on the sidelines in judgment. And I understand many who offer judgment aren't on the sidelines, per se, because this situation has affected them in one manner or another.

 

Re: whether or not an OP can be a primary person or not. Yes, and no. They may be the person who knows the MP most intimately emotionally, and in that manner, be primary. My MW is clear that her H is her primary relationship. But nonetheless, I know there are some areas where I, nonetheless, am primary.

 

It is not an easy situation, and I'm not trying to make excuses. Sometimes ignorance is bliss - but I respect that for most folks on here their experience is that ignorance does not last. Certainly at this stage, those who are in similar positions to mine, hope that it does. I have no desire to hurt her husband, and I respect that at some level my actions do hurt him, even if he doesn't know. But who is to say if you put that on the scale against what hurt he might be feeling if I wasn't here or if he found out about me which would weigh more?

 

I have to run - but wanted to share these thoughts after reading some actual "positive" and supportive messages here and add my own.