TOMan Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I am curious to read so many OW stories in this forum but no OM stories. Why is that? So here goes mine: We met two years ago, soon fell in love badly, madly, all the way, spend lots of time together, vacations together, see each other almost every day, share everything. The kind of relationship out of this world that I always yearned for. And it goes both ways. In more than one way, the love of my life... I think you get it. What's the catch? Or is there one? Well, she is happily married with kids and, understandably, no intention to change that. We are totally open with each other about that, which is part of what is good about our relationship. We spend much more time and everything else together than she spends with her H. Circumstances happen to be such that this is feasible. I get pretty much all I can expect from a great love and could say we both have the best of all worlds. The price to pay--keeping privacy and accepting the H out there--seems to be worth it all, at least most of the time. And yet--you can guess--I struggle with her H being somewhere out there. I just love her too much. We invest in each other heavily though we both recognize that there is something structurally fragile about the relationship. Can we or can't we just be happy like this in the long-term? This forum has probably more unhappy than happy OM/OW members, but I am still wondering whether anyone has been able to build a happy long-term OM-MW relationship and how to manage the feelings about MW's H. Cheers
wildsoul Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hello and welcome. There are a few OM's around the board, but I think they're mostly out of their affairs. You're totally in the right place, but put on your asbestos suit and find out how to use the ignore feature. There's not a lot of support for OM/W's here unless they're trying to end their affairs, we they sometimes get thrashed pretty hard even when they've already left. Not trying to discourage you. Quite the opposite! Please post.
Lyssa Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hi TOMan, welcome to LS. We do have a few OM as Wildsoul stated but none have posted in a while except Stampdaddy. Can we or can't we just be happy like this in the long-term? I think it depends on what you want and how you can live with what you want. As for me, I don't think I can live with that kind of relationship in the long term. I don't think any woman or man can. I'm sure after a while it will get too much and you would want to have her all to yourself.
Gamine Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I am curious to read so many OW stories in this forum but no OM stories. Why is that? So here goes mine: We met two years ago, soon fell in love badly, madly, all the way, spend lots of time together, vacations together, see each other almost every day, share everything. The kind of relationship out of this world that I always yearned for. And it goes both ways. In more than one way, the love of my life... I think you get it. What's the catch? Or is there one? Well, she is happily married with kids and, understandably, no intention to change that. We are totally open with each other about that, which is part of what is good about our relationship. We spend much more time and everything else together than she spends with her H. Circumstances happen to be such that this is feasible. I get pretty much all I can expect from a great love and could say we both have the best of all worlds. The price to pay--keeping privacy and accepting the H out there--seems to be worth it all, at least most of the time. And yet--you can guess--I struggle with her H being somewhere out there. I just love her too much. We invest in each other heavily though we both recognize that there is something structurally fragile about the relationship. Can we or can't we just be happy like this in the long-term? This forum has probably more unhappy than happy OM/OW members, but I am still wondering whether anyone has been able to build a happy long-term OM-MW relationship and how to manage the feelings about MW's H. Cheers She is happily married with children which makes her someone else's wife and mother, and yet you share everything together? I believe in love. I believe in true, deep, heart wrenching love and all that goes along with it. It is an amazing place to be when you are with someone who can reciprocate in full and complete honesty, devotion, commitment, transparency, and who has the fortitude to back it with action and sincerity. Being in love is cotton candy. Real love is what we do for one another. True love is more than just a feeling. It is truly a wonderful thing to find someone you feel the way you do about. It seems you are a smitten kitten. However, what doesn't sound right about your love story is that it is qualified by "she is happily married" and she is a mother. And, she has made it clear to you that she intends on it staying that way. What does that say? Well, as an outsider it seems that you are to remain 'on the side'. You are the cotton candy but her circus is somewhere else. You are in love with her. You believe she is 'in love' with you. And while that may be true, in all honesty.... she goes to bed, wakes up, shares a home, makes love, eats breakfast, discusses life plans... all with an other man... who happens to be her husband. Apparently it does bother you that she has her husband, but I find it a little curious that you almost see him as just being out there somewhere. Almost the way a husband would see a lover... as extraneous to the primary relationship. While in fact... he is the primary relationship in her life. For if he wasn't she would be with you. I look at this situation and it bothers me. A woman has made it clear that you are her 'love' and you share everything. Yet she shares her life with her husband, not you. If she really felt the way you say she does why wouldn't she leave the marriage and be with you? I only give credence to 'words' when one walks the talk. The rest to me is delusional. Bottom line... if she were as swept away with you she would be with you. Plain and simple. And, since she is engaging in this and is on the up and up with you that she has no intention of changing that... she has told you up front that you are 'dessert' and that her main meal (by choice) is another man... her husband. At best, if you were to win her heart, you have a woman who can be totally in love and still be with another man... and see nothing wrong with it. Are you her first lover? Will you be her last? Integrity is a very important characteristic in a person. Being involved with a woman with no integrity can be a dangerous proposition. Watch out for your feelings and keep them in check. You are walking into a hornet's nest. 1
Author TOMan Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Is it really that clear? Is love and life really that black and white? Is any love really perfect, and do we not all have to accept limitations and work with them? We love each other and feel like we are each others' primary relationship. But she has young kids who have a good dad. The M is functioning well even if it is not exciting. That's why I understand her when she does not want to leave her H. We are open about this between us in both directions. Maybe I am just stuck in cultural stereotypes that make me want her to myself even though I have more of her now than I could probably have and give in M. I know in some way this is a thought to make me feel better. But I also believe in it--to some extent. We have a great relationship, and frankly it seems worth the pain--most of the time...
Mr. Lucky Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Maybe I am just stuck in cultural stereotypes that make me want her to myself even though I have more of her now than I could probably have and give in M... What a load of BS. Her marriage is so compelling on some level that she can't leave and yet your relationship is more complete that if YOU were married to HER? I'm going to guess that you're fairly young and have never been married yourself... Mr. Lucky
4everloveu Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I know someone that felt in love with a MW for many years. She doesn't have kid and yet don't want to divorce the husband either. But she do drag this guy along for all this years. He tried many times to brake it off with her. However, it got back to square one again. Until now he still think that the MW will leave the husband for him. I doubt it , since it been way too longs. She could have left if she really love him and think that he are the right one for her. Not the husband at home. She didn't have good relationship with her husband but don't want to leave either. I see him going through the pain of waitting for her.
bentnotbroken Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Is it really that clear? Is love and life really that black and white? Is any love really perfect, and do we not all have to accept limitations and work with them? We love each other and feel like we are each others' primary relationship. But she has young kids who have a good dad. The M is functioning well even if it is not exciting. That's why I understand her when she does not want to leave her H. We are open about this between us in both directions. Maybe I am just stuck in cultural stereotypes that make me want her to myself even though I have more of her now than I could probably have and give in M. I know in some way this is a thought to make me feel better. But I also believe in it--to some extent. We have a great relationship, and frankly it seems worth the pain--most of the time... 1)Yes it is that clear. She isn't married to and she hasn't chosen to leave. That's called cake eating. 2)Love and life are that black and white until we(humans) make it murky and gray. We are self serving and punishment avoiding, therefore when we do things we know have major consequences, we hide, lie and deceive. That's where the lines(boundaries)blur. 3)Nothing in our lives are perfect. Why? Because none of us are perfect. Everything that is worth having requires work and sacrifice. When someone puts the energy into an outside relationship instead of the primary one, the marriage and family, then she isn't giving everything she has to the marriage...well you know. 4)The limitations in life are experienced by everyone. Some of those limitations are things we can't control. But others we can. Stepping someone else's marriage is something that can be controlled. You may feel like the pain is worth it, does her BS feel the same way? Do you think he will feel like the pain is worth it? He does figure into the equation doesn't he, as well as his children? Would everyone else involved feel like the pain is worth it?
whichwayisup Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Basically SHE is living a double life. It's an affair - To her. To you, it's more.. It's YOUR LIFE, what you breathe, eat and sleep. You aren't her number one priority and honestly, when push comes to shove, she WILL choose her husband and kids over you. Eventually you two will be caught.. Is it really that clear? Is love and life really that black and white? Is any love really perfect, and do we not all have to accept limitations and work with them? We love each other and feel like we are each others' primary relationship. But she has young kids who have a good dad. The M is functioning well even if it is not exciting. That's why I understand her when she does not want to leave her H. We are open about this between us in both directions. She is having her cake and eating too! Why on earth would she want to give one of you up when she can both? OFCOURSE her marriage is functioning well - The excitement you provide as the OM in her life.. What needs that aren't being met at home, you meet. Sure she loves you, but she can't and won't offer "all" of herself to you. You are not part of her intimate life - Family, friends, children, neighbours, extended family.. You're hidden and kept a secret. Let me ask - Who knows about her in your circle of friends and family? Are you proud to introduce her to others? Tell them, she's married but you're her boyfriend? You're settling for table scraps - I know you don't see it that way - But you are. This woman is never going to leave her family, her husband for you and one day you will wake up and want more..More than what she is able to give you..
4everloveu Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Before you realize it, it will turn into day, week, month and year. You will go through more heartache, headche and all the pain that will cause other.
Bluedragon Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I am curious to read so many OW stories in this forum but no OM stories. Why is that? So here goes mine: We met two years ago, soon fell in love badly, madly, all the way, spend lots of time together, vacations together, see each other almost every day, share everything. The kind of relationship out of this world that I always yearned for. And it goes both ways. In more than one way, the love of my life... I think you get it. What's the catch? Or is there one? Well, she is happily married with kids and, understandably, no intention to change that. We are totally open with each other about that, which is part of what is good about our relationship. We spend much more time and everything else together than she spends with her H. Circumstances happen to be such that this is feasible. I get pretty much all I can expect from a great love and could say we both have the best of all worlds. The price to pay--keeping privacy and accepting the H out there--seems to be worth it all, at least most of the time. And yet--you can guess--I struggle with her H being somewhere out there. I just love her too much. We invest in each other heavily though we both recognize that there is something structurally fragile about the relationship. Can we or can't we just be happy like this in the long-term? This forum has probably more unhappy than happy OM/OW members, but I am still wondering whether anyone has been able to build a happy long-term OM-MW relationship and how to manage the feelings about MW's H. Cheers The answer to you is yes there others of us. I am very much in love with the woman I see and she is also in lve with me. and both of us are married but not to each other and its been three years for us. Unlike you and your lady we only get to see each other maybe once a month. So your not alone. bluedragon ( Bill)
sugarmomma Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 She is happily married with children which makes her someone else's wife and mother, and yet you share everything together? I believe in love. I believe in true, deep, heart wrenching love and all that goes along with it. It is an amazing place to be when you are with someone who can reciprocate in full and complete honesty, devotion, commitment, transparency, and who has the fortitude to back it with action and sincerity. Being in love is cotton candy. Real love is what we do for one another. True love is more than just a feeling. It is truly a wonderful thing to find someone you feel the way you do about. It seems you are a smitten kitten. However, what doesn't sound right about your love story is that it is qualified by "she is happily married" and she is a mother. And, she has made it clear to you that she intends on it staying that way. What does that say? Well, as an outsider it seems that you are to remain 'on the side'. You are the cotton candy but her circus is somewhere else. You are in love with her. You believe she is 'in love' with you. And while that may be true, in all honesty.... she goes to bed, wakes up, shares a home, makes love, eats breakfast, discusses life plans... all with an other man... who happens to be her husband. Apparently it does bother you that she has her husband, but I find it a little curious that you almost see him as just being out there somewhere. Almost the way a husband would see a lover... as extraneous to the primary relationship. While in fact... he is the primary relationship in her life. For if he wasn't she would be with you. I look at this situation and it bothers me. A woman has made it clear that you are her 'love' and you share everything. Yet she shares her life with her husband, not you. If she really felt the way you say she does why wouldn't she leave the marriage and be with you? I only give credence to 'words' when one walks the talk. The rest to me is delusional. Bottom line... if she were as swept away with you she would be with you. Plain and simple. And, since she is engaging in this and is on the up and up with you that she has no intention of changing that... she has told you up front that you are 'dessert' and that her main meal (by choice) is another man... her husband. At best, if you were to win her heart, you have a woman who can be totally in love and still be with another man... and see nothing wrong with it. Are you her first lover? Will you be her last? Integrity is a very important characteristic in a person. Being involved with a woman with no integrity can be a dangerous proposition. Watch out for your feelings and keep them in check. You are walking into a hornet's nest. I could not have said this better. Take heed!!! Her actions speak so loud that I can't hear a word he is saying. Leave her immediately!!
Confused4Now Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 My status is as follows.... My MW working her way out and been in separation for 9 months. She has a Family owned house issue she has to resolve before she files the papers. H still keeps trying to come into her life and she's doing very good at maintaining her boundaries with him. He's getting the message from her and family it's over and divorce is happening. She's even said he's already dating. Might be doing that for reaction who knows. My divorce is still not done but almost. MW and I have agreed to stay LC but we want to clear out our baggage before coming together. I've been getting really good at keeping busy.... and have met other people. Not yet really dating but just going out with friends and meeting new people. So all the pressure of her coming into my life so soon might not have been a good idea...cause looking back. There was so much DRAMA going on it would have really been bad. So no more pressure from me and I'm in a much better place.
Ronni_W Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Can we or can't we just be happy like this in the long-term? I think that very much depends on YOUR ability to keep your expectations realistic, and on YOUR ability to manage your thought processes, and on YOUR ability to be happy in your role, and on YOUR ability to create enough of an "other life" that will satisfy you at all those times when you need support or encouragement but her marital/familial obligations and responsibilities will put distance between you. And on your ability to keep your expectations realistic.
fooled once Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Basically SHE is living a double life. It's an affair - To her. To you, it's more.. It's YOUR LIFE, what you breathe, eat and sleep. You aren't her number one priority and honestly, when push comes to shove, she WILL choose her husband and kids over you. Eventually you two will be caught.. Sure she loves you, but she can't and won't offer "all" of herself to you. You are not part of her intimate life - Family, friends, children, neighbours, extended family.. You're hidden and kept a secret. Excellent! Could not have said it better myself. OP - I am sure she is telling you too that she doesn't love her husband, that she isn't having sex with him. And you are buying it. I think it is pretty poor character for her to be exposing her husband to STD's. I think it shows pretty poor morals for her to be doing this to her husband. If she is so unhappy, she would divorce him --- no matter that she has young children. I divorced my husband when my son was 6. I was not having an affair; I was just in a marriage where I wasn't happy nor in love. The honorable thing would be for her to end one relationship before starting another. And I highly doubt you are with her more than her husband. The bottom line is --- you are 2nd best; if she truly loved you sooo much she would divorce her husband. She isn't. That shows you that you will always be 2nd place.
White Flower Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Can we or can't we just be happy like this in the long-term? This forum has probably more unhappy than happy OM/OW members, but I am still wondering whether anyone has been able to build a happy long-term OM-MW relationship and how to manage the feelings about MW's H. Cheers You must ask yourself if eventually you will want her all to yourself or not. If you think you will, run the other way, NOW! OTOH, (on the other hand), if you have a fear of committment and are truly happy loving someone part time then this might work for you. Know your personality and you will have your answers. As for me, I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.
LakesideDream Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Toman Wisdom from the pigment deprived flowery one ! I know what she has writen is true, from personal first hand experiance. You sound like a man with a mission and a passion. Falling in love, being in love minute by minute, hour by hour to a person you don't share your life with will become so painful you will eventually end up unable to feel much of anything. That's it from me. I absolutely cannot face the kind of demons you have stirred. If I end up thinking about what you have written I won't sleep for days, or feel for months. Buh bye.
Author TOMan Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Many thanks for the responses, some thoughtful and caring, others a little judgmental and very quick, I thought. But I understand this is an emotional topic. Also, very good to hear from a few other OM who are out there! Just to get rid of a few wrong assumptions in the thread: I am in my 40s, and I feel I am young, but have been married before. We know how to prevent STDs, so that is not the issue here. She does NOT claim not to love her husband, and she does NOT claim not to have sex with him... so betwen us, we are as open as can be even if it is sometimes painful. One of you put it well. Our relationship feels like our primary relationship and the H is the lover somewhere out there (however, I am in the know, and he is not). And yes, we spend a lot more of our wake hours together than she and her H. Some of you make it sound like divorcing her H is such an easy thing for her to do, and not doing it means she does not love me. I don't think so. Divorcing a nice and caring H is NOT that easy, especially when small kids are involved. Too good to leave, and yet you know there are limits to the relationship that you cannot accept in the long run. I can affirm that from my own experience, and maybe that's why I am understanding and tolerating it. What if 70% of a woman's love is as much or more than 100% of a man's love. Can't that make a stronger relationship than 100% of a woman's love which is much more than 100% of a man's love and much more than he can handle? Finally, I am a pretty independent, self-confident guy, who usually knows and gets what he wants. But this relationship has gotten much closer to me than anything before, including my own earlier marriage. And I love this intensity. I know some of you will not accept any of what I am saying. That's your call. But life IS sometimes complicated. And you want to make the best out of that complicated life, no?
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Many thanks for the responses, some thoughtful and caring, others a little judgmental and very quick, I thought. But I understand this is an emotional topic. Also, very good to hear from a few other OM who are out there! Just to get rid of a few wrong assumptions in the thread: I am in my 40s, and I feel I am young, but have been married before. We know how to prevent STDs, so that is not the issue here. She does NOT claim not to love her husband, and she does NOT claim not to have sex with him... so betwen us, we are as open as can be even if it is sometimes painful. One of you put it well. Our relationship feels like our primary relationship and the H is the lover somewhere out there (however, I am in the know, and he is not). And yes, we spend a lot more of our wake hours together than she and her H. Some of you make it sound like divorcing her H is such an easy thing for her to do, and not doing it means she does not love me. I don't think so. Divorcing a nice and caring H is NOT that easy, especially when small kids are involved. Too good to leave, and yet you know there are limits to the relationship that you cannot accept in the long run. I can affirm that from my own experience, and maybe that's why I am understanding and tolerating it. What if 70% of a woman's love is as much or more than 100% of a man's love. Can't that make a stronger relationship than 100% of a woman's love which is much more than 100% of a man's love and much more than he can handle? Finally, I am a pretty independent, self-confident guy, who usually knows and gets what he wants. But this relationship has gotten much closer to me than anything before, including my own earlier marriage. And I love this intensity. I know some of you will not accept any of what I am saying. That's your call. But life IS sometimes complicated. And you want to make the best out of that complicated life, no? If you're happy with the way things are, be happy about it. There was a time when the OP's said we love our MP and this is our forum and if you don't like it, well you know... I basically was an OW who loved her MM and didn't care what those who disagreed said to me...Instead I enjoyed the "discussion." Funny how lil ol' me can piss so many people off... So welcome to the forum. It's changed greatly since I joined but I honestly think if the OP's just told it like it was and didn't apologize for who they loved, then it could be a similar, even better forum... If nothing else, it'd be fun... GEL
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 One of you put it well. Our relationship feels like our primary relationship and the H is the lover somewhere out there (however, I am in the know, and he is not). And yes, we spend a lot more of our wake hours together than she and her H. Question. If she ended up in the hospital...Who would be by her beside? Divorcing a nice and caring H is NOT that easy, especially when small kids are involved Is she truly unhappy in her marriage? I just wonder WHY on earth she would go through the lying, deceiving, betraying, living this double life if she truly cared about her kids and husband.. Is doing this EASIER than divorcing? Yes it is because this way she gets to have it all and you're OK with it..You're OK settling and enjoying the intensity/rollercoaster ride, addicted to what this affair does to you. One day this WILL blow up and sadly, chances are, you'll be thrown under the bus by her. You'll be made out to be the one who chased her, not her willingly coming to you. Please go read afew OM threads and many OW threads here..
bentnotbroken Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 The funny thing about feeling like you are the primary and being the primary are actually 2 different things. The primary is the one who gets to make the medical decisions, receive preference in any situation that says spouse, and all final decisions. He would be the one supported and consoled. He is the primary whether you believe it or not.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Divorcing a nice and caring H is NOT that easy, especially when small kids are involved. Too good to leave, and yet you know there are limits to the relationship that you cannot accept in the long run. Have you ever thought, were she not sleeping with you and "spending a lot more of our wake hours together than she and her H", that emotional energy might help address those "limits" she's up against in her marriage? After bonding with you all day, sexually and otherwise, what's left for that "nice and caring" husband? I'm also curious how your marriage ended... Mr. Lucky
White Flower Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Wisdom from the pigment deprived flowery one ! I guess it's true when you look at it that way;)
LakesideDream Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 If you're happy with the way things are, be happy about it. There was a time when the OP's said we love our MP and this is our forum and if you don't like it, well you know... I basically was an OW who loved her MM and didn't care what those who disagreed said to me...Instead I enjoyed the "discussion." Funny how lil ol' me can piss so many people off... So welcome to the forum. It's changed greatly since I joined but I honestly think if the OP's just told it like it was and didn't apologize for who they loved, then it could be a similar, even better forum... If nothing else, it'd be fun... GEL GEL, The vast majority of people can't manage to "be in love" without lots of positive reinforcement from peers, and friends. From experiance I assure you that seemingly "normal" men when together in small groups make comments about every woman in the room, and discuss their fantasys, compairing this "piece of tail" to that one with great regularity. I someone in the group declares that they aren't interested because they love their wife, and are satisfied in their marriage they are treated like lepers... then happily go back to their own marriages and girlfriends. It's all a bunch of B.S. I believe that women have more success "supporting" each other, rather than acting the fool. Sadly it's also my experiance that women "bandwagon" and support even push their friends toward seperation and divorce when things are rough in a relationship. Now that I've rambled that... I don't find it hard to understand why folks (OM/OW) on this forum are reluctant to just say that they are in love with their OM/OW and that their love is the most important, joyous, and pleasing thing in their lives. They know they will get flamed by many. That hurts a lot. They don't expect people to support their relationships or emotions when in an affair. I have come to realize that the heart wants what it wants. There are times when our emotional needs are more urgent than the need to eat, work... anything. How many BS's relate losing huge amounts of weight after D-day? Couldn't eat, work.. function at all? Why wouldn't the need to love (even an affair partner) be as strong as any other? I've often said that I'd trade a year of happiness for the rest of my life. Truth is a month might be enough. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that there aren't more than 3 people on this forum who believe I mean that. I surmise they would believe my statement would be "drama" or theatrics. The three that do believe me... know why. The why is easy. The most important thing in my world is feeling. Nothing feels better than love. The lack thereof.. feels like nothing at all. Nothing is worse than empty. I'm sorry I foolishly decided to post on this thread.... nothing is worse than empty.
Confused4Now Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 I've often said that I'd trade a year of happiness for the rest of my life. Truth is a month might be enough. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that there aren't more than 3 people on this forum who believe I mean that. I surmise they would believe my statement would be "drama" or theatrics. The three that do believe me... know why. The why is easy. The most important thing in my world is feeling. Nothing feels better than love. The lack thereof.. feels like nothing at all. Nothing is worse than empty. I'm sorry I foolishly decided to post on this thread.... nothing is worse than empty. Count me as the 4th person....for me I was in a loveless marriage for 21 years...I know exactly what your saying..
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