annieo Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Just a little background. My h lied to me (profusely) about going to strip clubs in the past. We had a major meltdown in Nov 06, took ages to get back to somewhat normal. However, I still find that he is less than open with me, about anything. While the stuff he's being dodgy about isn't sexually related, it still hits a nerve. When he got home from work tonight, he asked me about a baby shower that I will be going to on Saturday, what time it would be at. I told him, and that was the end of the convo. Then a few hours later, his brother calls. He's chatting with him on the front porch (window open) and I hear him say that he will be going to a couple of out of town motorcycle dealerships on Saturday, when I will be at the baby shower. WTF! This is the first I've heard of it. So I called him on it, asked him why he didn't mention it to me. Well, he wasn't sure if he was going to go, all his friends have motorcycles, just window shopping, didn't want an argument over nothing. Sounds like all the same lame excuses about the strip club. Am I nuts to let this upset me? While I realize the content (motorcycles vs strippers) is a little different, his shady, covert behavior is exactly the same. The trust between us has taken years to rebuild to something approaching acceptable, but now I feel like I realize that he will never change. He's a sneaky bastard. He doesn't feel it necessary to tell me stuff if it's going to cause him any grief. Wouldn't it be logical to extend this to cheating on me? Putting us in massive debt? I feel like he has a major hole in his character when it comes to honesty. Another issue, we have been renovating our house, and every room is half done, due to lack of funds. There is no money for a bike.
lucky1 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think you are overreacting. He is allowed to go and look at motorbikes if he wants to, he shouldn't need your permission. Maybe if you had of asked him if he had any plans whilst you were at the baby shower then he probably would have told you. And he probably didn't want to tell you before you asked because he knew you would make a big deal of it when it isn't really a big deal at all. Looking at motorbikes isn't doing anything wrong. It would be wrong if he went and bought a motorbike though without discussing it with you first but you just have to trust him when he says he won't do that.
Author annieo Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Totally agree that looking at bikes is not an issue. He's been talking about one in particular for awhile. It's the "so when is your baby shower?" but no other info that's bugging me, even though he obviously had plans to go looking. It's NOT a big deal that he wants to visit a dealership, but it tends to turn things into a big deal by not talking to me about it, and I only find out by accident. Same thing with the sc (matches). I was not adverse to them, just wanted him to let me know. The lying makes it shadier than it has to be.
dunstable Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Obviously, you haven't rebuilt trust in him yet after the events of circa 06. It would help if he had the sensitivity to tell you that the bike is just a dream - something to be bought when the house is renovated and finances are healthy again. Good luck!
maymom Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Did he know that the window was open when he was on the porch talking about going to the bike dealerships?
Author annieo Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Did he know that the window was open when he was on the porch talking about going to the bike dealerships? I assume so, but he can overlook the obvious sometimes.
girl68 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Yeah, you're over reacting. Let's say he told you at when you had the babyshower that he was thinking of going to look at bikes. Would you have flipped out? Probably. He's probably being somewhat honest aobut not wanting to start a fight, because it likely would have. I think you need to camly express your concern. Because you haven't here. I don't blame him for not telling you especially since your reaction for not being told was so drastic.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 While I understand the history, I think you're overreacting and not by a small margin. If he was going to a friend's house to watch a game, would you need his permission in advance to go window shopping, affordable or not? At this point, it's just a pipe dream, so leave him to it. Or perhaps when his friends ask him "Hey Joe, let's go look at bikes", you'd rather have him answer "Sorry guys, my wife won't let me..." Mr. Lucky
Author annieo Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Fair enough, folks, I perhaps already know that I overreacted by putting that word in the post. In my defense, I really believe that I would not have given him grief about going to look at bikes if he had just told me. Thanks for your responses. If he had ridden home on one, our finances in the shape they're in, that would be a different matter:mad: This is the one dynamic of our otherwise good relationship that troubles me, his tendency to keep things from me. Then I find out, get upset (more due to the lying than anything else) and it justifies his tendency to keep things from me. Bit of a vicious circle. Time for (another!!!) rational, cool-headed heart to heart.
Author annieo Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 One more thing. I spoke with a male buddy at work about this, and one thing he said was that ALL men keep things from their partners if they think it will be met with even the slightest disapproval, that conflict avoidance via omitting information is a built-in application for the male species. Anyone here agree with this? I'm not sure I do, or I want to.
voldigicam Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Yeah. I omit information if it would cause a hassle. Women do it all the time. Just "forget" to tell their partners little things. Preganancies, former husbands, frivolous purchases. Common stuff.
Author annieo Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 True enough - I have been known to say, "I've worn this dress a million times !", which was mathematically incorrect by 1 million. However, the dress didn't cost 10 grand, and it was unlikely to cause my death or dismemberment. I've been pretty upfront about the former husbands/pregnancies, as they resulted in two living children who tend to hang around me, who were not conceived immaculately.
subdued Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 My boyfriend omits information to avoid conflicts. After being with me for almost four years, he is starting to open up more. Omitting information to avoid conflicts doesn't get him anywhere. Telling me how he feels does.
Elyse- Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I hear that you are feeling a lack of trust and angry with your husband. Have you actually told him how you are feeling from a place of love?
Jennifer26 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Annie - I know all too well why you're upset. Like you, I've dealt with a dishonest spouse and know how tough it is to rebuild trust. I get that you're not upset about the motorcycle and your his plan to window shop. And that this event alone probably would have been no big deal. But the culmination of lies, outright and by omission over the years wear your tolerance down. You felt like he was probing you for info on the shower so he could make his plans. Being that the case, it's unusual he wouldn't have mentioned it. It's one thing if someone forgets to mention plans. But it seems like he intentionally did not tell you, like many said because he assumed you would get angry. But that is not a good excuse. If I thought something I was going to do would piss off my spouse, my instinct would be to go and talk to him and make sure I was wrong before doing it. Not to sneak off and do it anyway. You'll never rebuild trust as long as he treats you this way. You're his partner, not his mother. He shouldn't have to sneak off to do things, and keep things from you for fear of getting into trouble.
angie2443 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Annie - I know all too well why you're upset. Like you, I've dealt with a dishonest spouse and know how tough it is to rebuild trust. I get that you're not upset about the motorcycle and your his plan to window shop. And that this event alone probably would have been no big deal. But the culmination of lies, outright and by omission over the years wear your tolerance down. You felt like he was probing you for info on the shower so he could make his plans. Being that the case, it's unusual he wouldn't have mentioned it. It's one thing if someone forgets to mention plans. But it seems like he intentionally did not tell you, like many said because he assumed you would get angry. But that is not a good excuse. If I thought something I was going to do would piss off my spouse, my instinct would be to go and talk to him and make sure I was wrong before doing it. Not to sneak off and do it anyway. You'll never rebuild trust as long as he treats you this way. You're his partner, not his mother. He shouldn't have to sneak off to do things, and keep things from you for fear of getting into trouble. I agree with this post. Also, I think it is important to tell your partner about all things in your life, even the things that would make you upset. When I have something going on or did something that I know would make my husband upset, I make it a point of telling him. It is to easy to start building walls and keeping little secrets because we worry about upsetting or making our partner angry. Keeping secrets from each other is what causes couples to grow distant from each other. Just my 2 cents.
Author annieo Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Thank you, ange and jen. It's not about the content (looking at bikes) but the behavior (fishing for info, not being upfront). And because we have some history here, everytime this sort of shiftiness happens, I become suspicious again, distrustful again. That's what hurts. It's like a scab getting ripped off, just before it's healed. I don't think he will change. So far, his less than upfront ways have been about things I can deal with, but who knows what the future might bring. So, since I love him and I'm in it for the long haul, what do I do, besides call him on his sh#t and try to keep things above-board. And by call him on his sh#t (for all of you who think this means I'm going to go off like a bomb over every little, stupid thing), I mean, if he isn't telling me the full story, I'll ask him to. Is that too much to ask?
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