suicidal_miasma Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Wife left last September. No kids. Suspected affair, but repeated denial. Desperate attempts to reconcile with her were all rejected. Made me suicidally depressed. Spent time in psych ward. She knew and still didn't care. Got out of psych ward and started dating rampage. 4 women at once. One became my mistress. She knows and understands the whole situation. She also understands that she might be rebound girl. I am getting kinda hooked on having sex with her and I desperately need her as a confidant in these dark times for me. My life is vastly better with her in it, and she is a sweet, intelligent woman. She says she wants to have a family, more or less directly with me. I have known her 3 months. Problem is I find her ugly. I know I am a ****ing shallow piece of **** for thinking this. She knows this too. I am quite a bit more educated than she is also. Not someone I would be with under normal circumstances. I am happy when I am with her, but sometimes I feel disgusted with myself when I am ****ing her. I am gradually getting attached to her. She does have an inner beauty. What the **** do I do here? If I dump her, I think I will feel even more suicidal than I do now. If I stay with her, maybe she will keep growing on me? But maybe it will deepen her attachment to me and I will hurt her bad once I am over my depression. Help. What do I do?
JustLooking123 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 If you do not regularly see a psychiatrist or other mental health professional, please start ASAP. This sounds like a classic rebound relationship to me. The bigger issue is your tenuous emotional state, for which you should seek help.
fishtaco Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Well, not sure about your mental condition. I.e. suicidal & depression. You are becoming dependent on that girl, not sure if it's healthy. Like JustLooking123 said, seek professional help. But from a purely relationship perspective, if you've been honest, then it's her choice. If this is not what she wants, she could walk away anytime. If you lie to her or do anything to keep her when she wants to leave, then it would be your fault. How do you know what she wants? What gives you the right to make that decision for her? Lay everything out on the table, and let her decide. It's her life. And when she decides to leave, either now or 3 months later, as long as you don't drag her back because of your personal needs, then you're in the clear. Anyway that's my view.
OpenBook Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 She is an angel in your life, sent from heaven to help you over this painful and jarring bump in the road. If I were you, I would treat her like the incredible gift that she is to you. Focus on the NOW, and don't worry about the future. God knows (and so does she) that you can't handle the future right now. You have a hard enough time dealing with the present.
paddington bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 You're basically using her, and you know it, and she probably knows it too, at least in some back part of her brain - I'm not sure how much you've told her about your feelings, if you've gone as far to say that you think she's not educated enough for you and that you find her physically unattractive. In any case, despite her knowing that you're not fully engaged with her, she is hanging on in there for some reason (foolish girl), and yes, that in a way is her choice, but on the other hand, it's kind of mean of you to sting her along purely because she happens to fill some kind of gap for you at this particular moment in time. But at least you're aware of what you're doing, at least you're not f*****g her and not giving a crap whether you're hurting her or not, at least you're examining your behaviour, so don't beat yourself over the head too much over this, sounds like your life was already confusing enough and now a different type of confusion has entered the picture and that you simply can't logically think your way out of it, because of those pesky things called emotions. You need emotional support right now and she's providing it, however when someone gives you emotional support and has sex with you on top of that, you are bound to develop feelings for that person no matter what they look like and when you're not ready to develop those feelings it just leads to total confusion for both parties. Also, I think that it wouldn't matter if she looked like Cindy Crawford, you're just not ready to have a relationship with someone else right now. You're like a drowning man clinging onto anything that floats, it could be a brand new inflatable dingy or in this case, as you see it, an old piece of driftwood with peeling paint and rusty nails in it, nevertheless the driftwood still serves the same purpose as the dingy, and you take whatever you can get and are grateful for it. Thing is, she's not a piece of driftwood, she's a human being with feelings, maybe you thought you could f**k away the pain and not get emotionally involved, but that's hard to keep up, particularly as the months and weeks go by. The fact that she mentioned that she wants a family suggests to me that she is somewhere inside hoping that maybe when you get over this, and if she just sticks around, that you will finally come to your senses and claim her after all the emotional support she's given you. But from what you've written I don't think you are going to go down the commitment route with her no matter how much more time both you and she invest with each other, and therefore are going to hurt her whether you stop this now or later. You are probably hurting her right now, as I'm sure it's obvious to her that you are not over the depression caused by your divorce and that you are not 'fully there' emotionally with her. People pick up on not only words but subtle signals too. You've focused all your thoughts on the fact the she is the only thing preventing you from feeling suicidal again, thus giving away your own ability to be strong emotionally to someone else and thus making this a black and white situation for yourself: If you dump her, you'll get severely depressed again, if you stay with her, you will hurt her as you don't really want to be with her, she only serves a purpose right now. Has it occurred to you that maybe, just maybe there is a grey area that you haven't considered. That maybe you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet? That maybe it's not this woman who is preventing the suicidal thoughts, it's that she merely represents the fact that you're moving on slowly from a stressful breakup. If you keep telling yourself that if you drop her that you'll go back to feeling like that, then you've already decided the outcome, in your head it's a fait accompli. Maybe the outcome won't be as you thought it would be, you have alreadsy made our mind up 100% that being suicidal will be the result of you not being with her, it might not be necessarily so. She's not your therapist, she's hasn't come into your life to simply distract you from killing yourself. Go see a therapist to talk about your depression and try to see your relationship with her as outside of that issue. If you weren't so depressed would you be with her, yes or no? If no, you go to therapy to sort out your issues instead of running away from them through using someone else for sex and the unburdening of your problems. Show kindness towards her by allowing her to go and find someone who does value her more than you do right now. Also, I also think that really until you work through your issues that you will use the next woman and the next and the next in the same way, merely as an escape from the black hole that you fear you will be sucked back into. Wouldn't it be nicer to crawl out of that black hole yourself and enjoy the women you come across, knowing that you want to be intimate with them and realising that these women are not your saviours, nor your unpaid therapists but other human beings who deserve an emotionally healthy man in their lives just as much as you deserve to have an emotionally healthy relationship when you're ready.
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