dont_understand Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant. My ex of a year broke up with me 2 1/2 weeks ago.....the story goes like this.... I am already a single mother to my 5-year-old son. My son's father was extremely abusive and when our realtionship ended, I had been so battered and bruised that I considered myself "broken". However, and to my surprise, 6 months later I met a wonderful man. I could tell he was different and special from our very first conversation. He had never really had a long-term relationship before and I was still getting over the loss of my family unit, so we took things very, very slow. After dating very casually for 4 months, we started to see eachother more regularly and after 6 months of dating we had fallen in love and became "exclusive". Once this happened, I introduced him to my son (who adored him) and my family thinking that he would do the same - he didn't. I did meet his friends, but as for his family they were no where to be found! It started becoming troublesome to me and I questioned him about it. He said that he had every intention of introducing me to his family but was waiting for the "right time". He also assured me that they knew everything about me and couldn't wait for me to meet them....I finally met his parents in April after 11 months of dating....and then all of a sudden he left. He said that all the things he thought he could once handle, he realized he couldn't after I met his parents. That my "situation" was too much for him, even though I had asked him many times before how he felt about my being a single mother. He said he is so sorry for leading me on the way he has, but he is not ready for a relationship and sees no future for us....he admitted to being immature and selfish, saying that after I met his parents and things became more real, he came to the realization that it was too much for him....and now I am pregnant. I don't know what to do...I told him last night. He said he'd support whatever decision I make, but openly expressed that yet again he is NOT ready for the commitment and responsibility. He also gave me the impression that if I were to go through with this pregnancy, he would not be interested in trying to reconcile...which to me seems odd. If his only hang up was my 'situation' and now he has a situation of his own, why would he not be willing to try?? We had a great relationship. In any event, I do not believe in abortion unless the child is to be born with a serious mental or physical deformity. I would not want to knowingly bring a child into this world only to suffer. I don't believe in playing god when it comes to life, which may sound contradictory to my statement above, but I would just hate to see a child suffer and have no quality of life. I am so torn....being a mother already, I just don't think I have it in me to have an abortion, but being a single mother with two kids and two different fathers -- not the peachy life I had picked out for myself. No man is going to want to get mixed up with that situation. I cant believe this has happened....any advice?
sadie20 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 hi this is a tricky one, but i think you should do what you want, dont let ur boyfriend influence your decision, do it for yourself. i got pregnant last year, and i stupidly had an abortion to save my relatioship, but straight after i done it my boyfriend dumped me anyway and doesnt even care one bit. the guilt and pain i feel for killing my own child will never ever go away and the past year has been absolute hell. i would do anything to have my baby back. remember this is your choice, no one elses. i wouldnt worry about the two father thing to be honest, there are millions of women out there that have children by different fathers, as long as their loved and cared for no-one has the right to say anything. Maybe your ex has got a bit scared of commitment to you but he has to take responsibilty for his child. just because you two are not together he has no right to say hes not ready to take responsibilty. he does sound immature and selfish. he has got to realise that if he does not want to be with you, he still has the responsibility as a father!! and if he cant do that, you and your child are better off without him in your life!! last year when i was pregnant i thought of my boyfriend and our relationship first, please think of yourself first and what you want cos i wish i did. good luck x
Enema Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Not trying to judge you, I'm just curious... Were you on any type of contraception with guy #2? In regards to your situation, I find it difficult to empathize as I am very pro-choice and see abortion as an extremely valid option for messes like this one. I'll try to appeal instead to your own perspective: You say you only see abortion as an option if the kid is going to suffer or have a poor quality of life. Hello, single mother of 2 kids to different fathers, there's a good chance they will suffer and have poor quality of life if you proceed, not to mention your own life.
Author dont_understand Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Hello, single mother of 2 kids to different fathers, there's a good chance they will suffer and have poor quality of life if you proceed, not to mention your own life. Actually, you are trying to judge me. I am very well-established and make an extremely comfortable living for me and my son. He wants for nothing...and this child would be no different. Thanks for the reply.
cabarc1 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Well u still have another option....putting the baby up for adoption. I know a lot of women feel like if they are going to go through the pregnancy then they might as well keep the baby. There are a lot of couples that want to adopt a baby, atleast that's what i hear. You wouldn't have to worry about the 2 kids with diff dads and u wouldn't have to worry about the guilt of having an abortion AND you would make some couple who can't have a baby of their own very happy.
Enema Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Actually, you are trying to judge me. I am very well-established and make an extremely comfortable living for me and my son. He wants for nothing...and this child would be no different. Thanks for the reply. That's not a judgement. It's a guess based on the limited information you provided. Note: I said "chance" because I didn't know much about your situation. But it's ok, I accept your apology.
ConfusedPanda Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, but do what is right for you. Don't worry about the two kids/two fathers thing too much. My cousin was in the same situation and is now married to a wonderful man who loves her two boys like they are his own.
Author dont_understand Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 The ex and I talked last night - I told him my position and where I stand with my beliefs and whatnot. I am adopted myself and have always been thankful that when my 18 year old mother with two kids already found out she was pregnant with twins (me and my brother) she didn't choose to do the unthinkable. He said he doesn't want to be spectator or on the sideline for the rest of his life....said he still loves me and was sorry he let his doubts and worries become his focus and if I would still have him, then he really wants to start over (like I said, we had a great relationship otherwise). I asked him how I am to know that he won't get scared and try to run away again someday to which he replied leap of faith! OMG, I am having another baby!!!! I am really very excited : ) Ahhhhhhh, life has a funny way of presenting itself sometimes....there is a perfect plan for everyone
Els Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I'm really glad for you that it's taken a turn for the better. There are two things that I find extremely disturbing though, and I hope that you'll give them some consideration. 1. He's been waffling around with you. Putting off this and that and finally saying that he's not okay with your situation after almost a YEAR just because you met his parents... can you forgive that? Can you give him your full trust after that? I would be wary if I were in your position. At the very least, don't get yourself any more into this (marriage, joint bank accounts, etc .. I would say children as well, but the decision of whether or not to abort is entirely the prerogative of the mother) until this matter has been fully resolved for some time. 2. After the experience of having had a baby with one man and having him leave you... why did you not take every precaution that you could to prevent a second similar situation? Once bitten, twice shy... Of course, I apologize if, in actual fact, you'd taken all the possible preventive measures and still conceived.
Tizzy Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 "I just don't think I have it in me to have an abortion, but being a single mother with two kids and two different fathers -- not the peachy life I had picked out for myself. No man is going to want to get mixed up with that situation. I cant believe this has happened....any advice? " I can't believe some of the comments I am reading on here. Just ridiculous. OP, 2 kids by 2 different dads is not the end of the world. It may not be the most ideal situation to most people but it's certainly not a life-ending event. So what if your life hasn't turned out the way you thought it would. Whose does?? Your life will not end if you keep this baby and this man flakes out of the picture. Don't let men define your life. Do what you feel is right in your heart to do. Don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. Don't be scared of what men will think or what society or whoever will think. Who cares?? Your life is about you and your children. Do right by them and by whatever you believe in and you will be fine. Things may be tough and less than ideal for awhile but you'll adjust and move on with your life. And there are plenty of women out there with multiple kids and "baby daddies" who are in loving relationships and marriages. If a man really loves you for who you are he won't care about less than ideal circumstances that may have happened in your past. I wish you the best and peace of mind in whatever you decide.
iNdespaiR Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 you know what i am with the same situation as yours.. but sadly i am not the same track as yours.. keep it up and love your children.. as well as yourself..
Author dont_understand Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 I can't believe some of the comments I am reading on here. Just ridiculous. OP, 2 kids by 2 different dads is not the end of the world. It may not be the most ideal situation to most people but it's certainly not a life-ending event. So what if your life hasn't turned out the way you thought it would. Whose does?? Your life will not end if you keep this baby and this man flakes out of the picture. Don't let men define your life. Do what you feel is right in your heart to do. Don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. Don't be scared of what men will think or what society or whoever will think. Who cares?? Your life is about you and your children. Do right by them and by whatever you believe in and you will be fine. Things may be tough and less than ideal for awhile but you'll adjust and move on with your life. And there are plenty of women out there with multiple kids and "baby daddies" who are in loving relationships and marriages. If a man really loves you for who you are he won't care about less than ideal circumstances that may have happened in your past. I wish you the best and peace of mind in whatever you decide. Thanks, Tizzy. Your post really empowered me. You're right, this situation is less than ideal, but I have to be strong. At the end of the day, I want to be a good person and know that I did the right thing - with or without the father's support, which seems to be iffy again. Last night he was in tears saying how he doesn't want this. The night before he said he wanted to be with me and try to make this work....flip flop! He is totally stressing me out. I understand that he has a lot of mixed emotions, but he is talking to me as if my mind isn't already made up, and it is. I am keeping this baby. Should I suggest we go to counselling? He needs to come to terms with the fact that this is happening unless GOD says it's not.
iNdespaiR Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 you know what dont_understand, your boyfriend is in mixed emotion.. he is scared of the obligation though the situation is already there.. just stick up with your descision that you are not goin on an abortion.. just give him time to realize what he is goin through.. tell him that you are not leavin him, just give him space. then whatever may come, just be strong. he has a tendency to walk away.. but if he's man enough he will get the courage to be your man and father of your baby.. you are the one who needs his understanding but he's doin a wrong way.. i know what you are goin through, its like you are hanging up and waiting for the thruth if he's stayin or just walk away from you.. keep on praying, ask for strength and that you ex/bf will be enlightened soon.. i know what you feel.. dont be discourage by his weakness.. be strong although it hurts inside, just be strong.. thats what you can do.. and dont think about bein a single mom to 2 kids with different dads. as long as you love and take care of your kids, you are a great mom to them and to the eyes of God.. you can do it..
Tizzy Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 OP, the father sounds like a flake. no offense, but he really needs to get it together. This is a grown man we're talking about here, and he's acting like a baby. The last thing you need in your life right now as a pregnant woman is even more stress from a flaky man. If he wants to go to counseling for himself, fine, but I don't think you should burden yourself with that. Focus on being the healthiest you that you can be for you and your baby and your child. If this man comes to his senses and sticks around, great. If he doesn't, just make sure you are taking care of yourself and those babies. After my ex-fiance and I broke up last year after a really stressful 3-yr relationship, he really flaked out on me big time. I didn't hear a thing from him for months. And when he did finally come back in the picture in terms of helping with our son, it was still very sporadic (and continues to be so 'til this day). I take it all with a grain of salt. My life went on. I met someone else, made a successful career change, and continued to enjoy this beautiful thing called life that God has blessed me with. Life is too short and your children are too precious for a man to suck up all your energy and not let you enjoy it. No matter what this man ends up doing, remember that you are the center of your happiness and joy. Don't let this flake stress you out!!
iNdespaiR Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 you know what your words for dont_understands, strikes me.. i am at the same situation just like her..
Author dont_understand Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 OP, the father sounds like a flake. no offense, but he really needs to get it together. This is a grown man we're talking about here, and he's acting like a baby So, three days after telling me he still loves me and wants to support me and start over, he told me this pregnancy is the worst thing and he's not going to pretend like it isn't anymore. That he's not going to continue lying and saying what he thinks he should be saying or feeling. He said that he hates this and he will never be happy with it EVER!!!! In response, I told him that some of the things coming out of his mouth were disgusting me and he said that this pregnancy disgusts him!!!! WHAT?!?!?! This is his own child he is talking about. I have lost all respect for him. Even if he did have a change of heart, which I doubt will happen anyway, how could I ever look at him with love in my eyes knowing that he blatantly said that my being pregnant with his child makes him disgusted. Some men are just not brought up properly - they lack morals, dignity, and respect for woman. What ever happened to taking care of your responsibilities? It's sickening the way some grown men act....just sickening. I think his European background may have something to do with it. I think he is scared what his parents and family will think of him getting a woman pregnant out of wedlock, but oh well. It's too late....suck it up!!!! Blah...definitely a flake. Time to be strong!
redfathom Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 I wouldn't expect him to be around not would I want or expect anything from him...
Enema Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 What was the type of contraception that failed? condoms?
iNdespaiR Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 just be strong and stick with your plans.. bein single mom doest matter anymore.. as long as you are good mother, just teach your kids right moral while you are grooming them, thats the most important thing.. keep praying and everything will be ok.. do not focus on that flake guy, you kids are the most important thing in your life, they are blessings from God.. take it from me, i am with the same path sa you are right now, smile for a while, there's a better day comin up...
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