worldwide Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 just to give a background here is my sitch i posted a while back http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189168/ so now its been a week since the last time i talked to him. i have made no attempts to contact him in any way and neither did he. i know from the way how things have gone between us, this guy is most likely not the right one for me. i don't know if i'm just being weak but a part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. after all, there were some things he said where he sounded sincere. sometimes i want to think that he probably really likes me but is just scared and confused for whatever reason, but at the same time i also don't want to end up looking like a fool who does not get the obvious. but lately i just cant stop thinking about him. i just miss him so much. i wonder what he is doing, who is he with, will he ever contact me yada yada. i know we normally feel like this when a relationship does not go so well and some things are left hanging but lately i have this urge to throw some chums into the water and see how he will respond but i'm also trying so hard not to as that would probably not do me any good. last time we talked i never really said goodbye and i told him i need some time. i don't know if we are just both waiting who will do the first move but i have already promised to myself that it wont be me. after all i made it very clear that i don't want him as a friend and im sticking to my words. but is this how its going end? will it do us any good if we say our final goodbye or just let things fade away, which after everything, will be a sad way to end. i'm trying so hard to stay strong but how do you guys fight the urge in situations like this? i really need some encouraqement.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I think 99% of us know exactly how you feel. Its really the toughest part about walking away from a situation thats not working for you; the fact that the other person probably isnt ever going to change their mind, and you will REALLY just have to completely walk away. For me, I always remind myself that if the other person really wanted to talk to me or work something out, they would call. And the fact that they dont/havent only makes it more apparent that walking away was the right thing to do. And when I catch myself in a 'will she ever call' moment, I remind myself that unless she says what I want to hear (which is highly unlikely), then there is no point in hearing from her anyway. I really dont want to hear about her life and whats shes doing. Like NoFoolin says, you cant handle what they have to say. So, just know youre doing the right thing for yourself in the long run, even if it means that life is kind of sucky right here and now. And I found that the longer you can go without trying to contact them, the easier it gets. Its like a test of wills for a month or so, then you get to the point where you wouldnt even know what to say if you did talk to them. And again, his silence should tell you everything you need to know.
kizik Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 OP, this is the hardest part - fighting the urge to contact. But guess what? He's not calling you either. Like BCCA said, that sends a pretty crappy message - he does not really care about you. The second hardest part - understanding that you mean very little to the ex. The best part? Not giving a f*ck what anyone thinks of you, because after being alone for some time, you have realized that YOUR opinion is the only one that matters. Best of luck. -Josh
Cora Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Boy have I gone through this so many times. Fighting that urge is so tough! When my ex disappeared on me I took it really hard. I was a complete wreck and I could not understand his silence. After a few months went by it got better and I no longer wanted to talk to him or hear what he had to say if anything. I finally accepted the fact that he didn't give a damn about me and I meant very little to him. He just contacted me last night after three months of no contact. I had the urge to respond to him and if I would of still been in the sorry state I was in right after his disappearance I probably would have responded. I knew better though...things didn't work out with his current relationship and I was just his back up. The point is when they do this they don't care about you at all. You have to keep telling yourself that. Why would you want to contact someone who doesn't care about you? It's a waste of time and in my opinion makes you look like a fool. Stay strong and fight that urge! Believe me I know how hard it is.
tinklebell Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 And when I catch myself in a 'will she ever call' moment, I remind myself that unless she says what I want to hear (which is highly unlikely), then there is no point in hearing from her anyway. /QUOTE] This is so true. We all need to tell ourselves that, when necessary.
MeMyself&I Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 WW, Another think to think about, and I'm struggling in this area too, is that if you keep making all the effort.....ie. taking them back, calling putting it all on you, etc, they NEVER are going to make any effort----they don't have to. They will know that eventually you will be calling them or knocking on their door. People on here and also a friend of mine keep reminding me we teach/train people how to treat us. Decide how you want to be treated (realistic expectations) and don't settle for less.
Author worldwide Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 WW, Another think to think about, and I'm struggling in this area too, is that if you keep making all the effort.....ie. taking them back, calling putting it all on you, etc, they NEVER are going to make any effort----they don't have to. They will know that eventually you will be calling them or knocking on their door. People on here and also a friend of mine keep reminding me we teach/train people how to treat us. Decide how you want to be treated (realistic expectations) and don't settle for less. yes you are right. that's why i have made a promise to myself never to do the move and i am sticking to my guns. if he wants to talk to me for whatever reason, he knows exactly what to do. maybe he does not realize this but this is actually his opportunity to prove some of the things that he said to me. but like BCCA said, the fact that he has not or will not contact me makes it more apparent that walking away from the situation was the right thing to do. we've had little arguements before and he is used to the fact that i am always the one opening the lines of communication. normally i will send him an email or a text message and we talk about the matter, but not this time. like i said i have made no efforts in any way to contact him. if things will just fade away until i dont care anymore then so be it. it's hard but i am not selling myself short to this man.
loveslife Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think a lot of time the people on here are asking about others who are not scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling lowlifes who have nothing to offer. If it were so cut and dry it would be a lot easier, don't you think. We really never know what the future will hold. The best we can do is live in the moment and live by our personal truth. OP, I think you know that you will get over this guy. If you want different things then he's not the right guy for you right now. Try and focus on what you can do something about (career, fitness, nutrition, hobbies, good deeds, etc.) and let everything else take care of itself. It always does when we let it. It's not always easy but we're worth it!
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