WTRanger Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I don't think you can maintain a healthy friendship at this point while you still have deep feelings for her. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to her. Hopefully she'll give you some space and you give her some space to think about what has happened. This by all means does not mean the friendship is over, though it may seem like it at the moment. Let the dust settle and if you really meant that much to her as a friend then she will wait for you to get over your feelings for her. It's a test for you as well. Once you do get over your feelings for her, do you want her in your life as a friend only? You can only answer those questions once you've crossed this raging river that is in front of you. Who knows? Maybe once you've stepped out of her spotlight she might realize how much you really did mean to her. Conversely, once she's out of your spotlight maybe you'll realize that she wasn't who she really was. Maybe once you take the rose colored glasses off, she'll become a completely different person to you. This is one of the hardest situations to go through and if you've gone through it before like a lot of us on this board have, then we all feel your pain.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I ended up falling for her because things werent always like this, she used to call and text me all the time just to talk, after she kicked that guy to the curb we got close again. Recently things took a turn for the worst and it seemed like she was just using me and talking to me when it was convenient for her. Hence y i did the basically do u want to be with me or not? But i did feel the need to leave the door open and leave her the opportunity, i did tell her not to expect me to wait around tho Do u guys agree that if she ever feels the same way she will come for me now? Completely agree. However, don't be surpised if she never changes her feelings. Usually, when someone just sees you as a friend, they arent going to change their feelings. So, while youre doing the right thing, dont expect it to change her mind. No matter what your original intentions, if this is working for you NOW, you have to walk away. Remember, your wants/needs come first.
WTRanger Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Just to add on, even if you were there for her because you loved her and wanted to be a friend for her doesn't mean that you won't eventually develop feelings for her. Sometimes being at someone's side during a rough part can lead unexpectedly to strong feelings. Just look up Stockholm Syndrome, a situation where you'd never expect feelings to develop yet in some cases they do.
kizik Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Guys and girls can never happily be friends unless neither is attracted to the other.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Guys and girls can never happily be friends unless neither is attracted to the other. 100% agree.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 thank you for all your comments. Im gonna continue to do what im doing and stay true to what i said to her, and if she decides she wants it and i feel the same then so be it, if its meant to be itll happen and if she truely has the same feelings back for me she will try to contact me thanks for all the help and let the comments and the opinions to continue u guys, im always listening
kizik Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 So, just a personal example. I like this girl. I called her yesterday and left a message asking if she wanted to hang out and get a drink. Haven't heard back from her. Lame, right? I think she's way cute and I'd like to get to know her. But now the ball is in her court. I'm not going to call her again. You give em one chance, and then move on.
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Of course we should all do what's best for us for the most part. If the OP feels that he just can't hang, then he'll make the choice to stand by his decision. I guess I'm just trying to point out another perspective. I think we as people have gotten so hung up on this "love myself better" therapy stuff, that we can take it over the line a lot. Life ISN'T just about pleasing yourself and only yourself. Sometimes it's good to bite the bullet and be strong and put others first. He allowed himself to fall in love with her. I just want him to make sure that he understands that that was HIS choice and his alone. She really hasn't done anything to him that he hasn't allowed her to do and he got himself carried away.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 So, just a personal example. I like this girl. I called her yesterday and left a message asking if she wanted to hang out and get a drink. Haven't heard back from her. Lame, right? I think she's way cute and I'd like to get to know her. But now the ball is in her court. I'm not going to call her again. You give em one chance, and then move on. You know whats funny? In my younger days, I would call again 'just in case' all the time, thinking that maybe they lost their phone or something. Yeah, never changed a damn thing. If they dont return your first call, let it go.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Of course we should all do what's best for us for the most part. If the OP feels that he just can't hang, then he'll make the choice to stand by his decision. I guess I'm just trying to point out another perspective. I think we as people have gotten so hung up on this "love myself better" therapy stuff, that we can take it over the line a lot. Life ISN'T just about pleasing yourself and only yourself. Sometimes it's good to bite the bullet and be strong and put others first. He allowed himself to fall in love with her. I just want him to make sure that he understands that that was HIS choice and his alone. She really hasn't done anything to him that he hasn't allowed her to do and he got himself carried away. I'm not saying that she's a terrible or malicious person by any means. You were right, he fell in love on his own, she didnt put a spell on him. At the same time though, we all feel how we feel, and you cant help that. And if you feel more for someone than they do for you, its time to walk away. Not to punish or manipulate them, but to clear your head and give you time away from the to process everything. Sometimes, youll decide later that you can be a friend, and things are great. But if you cant really be her friend just for the sake of being a friend, youre not doing anyone any favors. Youre only asking for resentment. I'll have to kind of disagree, you really do need to put your own emotional health first. If you put the needs and wants of others above your own, you'll live in dissapointment and self loathing, and thats no way to live.
WTRanger Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Can you really choose to fall in love with someone? If you can make that choice and you decide that you might be falling for someone do not want to fall for that person. What is the best course of action to keep yourself from falling for them?
Stockalone Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Another reason why I think it was premature to give her an ultimatum. You'll suffer from it. You're going to miss her and then you'll re-evaluate your decision because you want her in your life. Of course he will miss her. But remaining friends might be even worse. Tell me, all those times you were there for her....was it because you loved her and wanted to give her the comfort of a friend or did you do it because of your romantic motivations. Once you develop a crush or even fall in love with a friend, romantic motivation will inevitably intertwine with the motivation to be a good friend. It probably isn't even a conscious process. I am not saying the romantic motivation consumes the desire to be a good friend, but I don't think clear distinctions are possible after you know that you no longer view a friendship as strictly platonic. My advice. And this will be hard. Continue to be her friend. I understand what you are saying and it makes sense in theory. When you start out as friends, developing romantic feelings is your own fault and the friend shouldn't have to suffer for that. The friend has invested in this frienship too and that friendship had value long before the romantic feelings started. I don't think that most guys don't want to rescue the friendship. They simply don't know how it can be done. How do you make those feelings go away while doing the exact same things that led you to develop those feelings in the first place? I think if you truly loved her you wouldn't have told her that she had to choose a relationship or nothing with you. That's not love. IMO. That's selfishness. Making her choose between a relationship or nothing might send the message that the friendship itself was worth nothing if it can be tossed aside so easily. I understand why it seems that way, but I don't think such an ultimatum is issued without careful consideration. There is a process that (hopefully) takes place before such an ultimatum is issued. Once you realize you are falling for a friend, the first reaction is not "How great is this, I am falling for (insert name here)! ". It's rather "I am falling for her?!?! No, it can't be, we are friends. It's has to be a silly crush. It'll go away. It has to." There is going to be guilt about falling for a friend because that is not supposed to happen. And you will be worried, you will double-check if you subconsciously might have given her bad advice, advice that was not in her best interest. And you will pray that you didn't. Then when those feelings don't go away, you start thinking "I really am falling for her, what do I do now???". "How will it affect her, and our friendship?" "What will she think of me?". If you are certain about your feelings, then you make a decision. Do you keep your mouth shut (and run the risk of letting your feelings eat you alive) because the friendship might not survive it if those feelings aren't mutual? You can tell yourself that enough is enough and that this has to stop here. Or you think a relationship with her is worth taking that risk and don't fight your feelings and let yourself fall for her. That doesn't mean that the friendship was worth nothing. He allowed himself to fall in love with her. I just want him to make sure that he understands that that was HIS choice and his alone. She really hasn't done anything to him that he hasn't allowed her to do and he got himself carried away. True, but even understanding that and accepting responsibility for his actions might not be enough to put the genie back into the bottle.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Yes of course I miss her, it absolutely tears me apart not talking to her, im really hoping u guys understand why i say im only able to do a relationship with her and nothing else......... the way i see it now if its meant to be then it will happen, the ball is in her court, and if something was to happen i think we would be stronger than ever
likeORIGAMI Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hey Nice Guy, you're on the wrong ladder. LOL "The best way to never score with a woman is to show too much interest in her." You got off to a bad start. If you have any chance with this girl, you've got to make her see you in a different light. http://www.laddertheory.com Go there, learn, and good luck.
BCCA Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Yes of course I miss her, it absolutely tears me apart not talking to her, im really hoping u guys understand why i say im only able to do a relationship with her and nothing else......... the way i see it now if its meant to be then it will happen, the ball is in her court, and if something was to happen i think we would be stronger than ever I miss my ex, too. We had a lot of great times together. But she didnt want to be my girlfriend any more, and the thought of hearing/seeing her out and about with other guys is more than I can bear. It would be hell on earth for me. So, while you can say I'm being 'selfish' by not wanting to talk to her ever again, it would be equally selfish of her to expect me to put myself through that for her benefit. You get nothing out of a situation in which you have feelings for someone that are unreturned, except of course heartbreak and missery. The idea that you can pick and chose who you fall for is ridiculous. The heart has reasons that reason cannot understand. You just fall for people, its not like you sit there thinking 'Im going to develop romantic feelings for Sara because I want to'. One day, nothing seems out of the ordinairy, the next, you're heart starts to flutter...there is no way you can control who you fall for, only what you do when it happens. You did what you HAD to do, there is no other choice. Anyone who tells you what you did is selfish is just plain wrong. I know it sucks when you have a good friend, and then they have feelings for you but you dont. Its a lose-lose. Either only one of you is happy or no one is happy. Unfortunately, you're both going to have to be unhappy with the situation. There is nothing else to do until you find someone else or the feelings go away. Just my 2 cents, I would stop looking at it like the ball is in her court. That means youre still waiting. Look at it like you need to move on and meet someone else. If you ever ran into her again later on, and things worked out, great, but understand that would be highly unlikely. In fact, I've been in your shoes at least a dozen times, and never heard from any of the girls again. Think about it, if you didnt want to be with someone today, you probably never will. Youre honestly talking about like a 2% chance here, dont spend too much time dwelling on those odds.
Author taylor1 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Yeah i know the chances of it ever happening are very slim to none. All I was saying is that at this point, she knows exactly how I feel and do u guys agree that if i was to ever get out of that dreaded friends zone this is what needed to be done?
BCCA Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 do u guys agree that if i was to ever get out of that dreaded friends zone this is what needed to be done? Absolutely 100% Staying her friend would never get you anywhere you want to go.
paddington bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Yeah i know the chances of it ever happening are very slim to none. All I was saying is that at this point, she knows exactly how I feel and do u guys agree that if i was to ever get out of that dreaded friends zone this is what needed to be done? Agreed. By not being her friend and being there for her means that 2% chance that she might change her mind can happen. But also simply that the only way to get out of the friendzone is to remove yourself from it. I got friendzoned by a guy years ago - we had kind of dated for a little while and then he did the 'I only want to be friends' thing. I thought 'I can handle this'. I totally couldn't. Hearing about other girls, watching him with other girls killed me and at the same time I still felt close to him because I was spending time with him, and so our whole 'friendship' while having some good times was mostly painful for me. Eventually, I simply absented myself, in my case I decided to move to another country (not just to do with him). This helped me do the NC thing and move on. Now we are actually friends. A miraculous thing happened while not being around him all the time getting my self-esteem battered repeatedly. I no longer cared who he dated or told me about. It had no affect on me, I chatted away to him about it as if he was just a friend, it didn't cause me any emotional pain. I no longer view his actions in terms of 'does this mean he might want me now', which I did all the time when hanging out with him and so whether he contacts me a lot, or not at all for months is of no consequence for me, whereas before him not being in touch for so long would really hurt me. So, anyway, yeah, you're doing totally the right thing
AlektraClementine Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Well Taylor, it seems I am overruled. haha. Maybe I'm a robot or something. Maybe it's not so much that one can choose who they develop feelings for but more that they can choose to distract themselves from those feelings and get over them. Maybe your method of doing this is to distance yourself for a while.. But I agree with the other poster who said you should stop looking at it as "the ball is in her court now". That's another thing she didn't ask for. The proverbial ball, quite frankly, is still in YOUR court. You have to deal with these feelings. Own them and work hard to get over them.
Author taylor1 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 yea I know that its something that im just gonna need to get over, at this point, i spent more time than i should have with trying to pursue this girl (which as we all know, never works). At this point it is what it is and thats the way life works sometimes.
paddington bear Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Well Taylor, it seems I am overruled. haha. Maybe I'm a robot or something. Maybe it's not so much that one can choose who they develop feelings for but more that they can choose to distract themselves from those feelings and get over them. Maybe your method of doing this is to distance yourself for a while.. But I agree with the other poster who said you should stop looking at it as "the ball is in her court now". That's another thing she didn't ask for. The proverbial ball, quite frankly, is still in YOUR court. You have to deal with these feelings. Own them and work hard to get over them. Thing is AC, everything you've said here seems to make total sense, I know it seems weird and selfish to drop a good friendship because the friend only wants to stay friends, which is why in the past I've not pulled away from the friendzone myself, it seemed such a mean and selfish thing to do, however both times by trying to be nice (and also hoping the other person might one day change their mind) I ended up getting really badly hurt. I don't know, have you been in this situation yourself - unrequited love situation? Only once did this situation work out for me and I ended up having a 4 and a half year relationship after friendship with a guy I was attracted to turned into something more. I think this skewed my views on the whole hanging around, being friends until the other person is ready scenario, it made me think that it happened once so it can happen again, but it normally doesn't work that way...unfortunately. Learned my lesson now!
rod_in_gtown Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Been there, done that. EXACTLY the same situation. Spilled my heart out to a girl I loved, and in a way, after 14 years I still love very much. The same outcome. she told me at the time that I was the type of guy that she would want to marry but not the guy that she wanted to date back then. I not only spilled my guts to her once but twice. She rejected me very graciously and it was very emotional but I was deelpy hurt and distressed, to the point where my pancreas failed without cause or symptoms. I spent a month in the hospital afterwards. A holistic doctor told me pancreas regulates affection and emotion and when it fails it's the body's way of breaking down. She's married now and we still talk about once a year or so. I don't think it's ever going to happen between us. But at least I know I tried. There is no "what if" in my mind and I prefer it this way. I think you did the right thing and now you know. Don't hold out for her. go out there and meet someone new, forget her, it'll just hold you back if you don't.
AlektraClementine Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Thing is AC, everything you've said here seems to make total sense, I know it seems weird and selfish to drop a good friendship because the friend only wants to stay friends, which is why in the past I've not pulled away from the friendzone myself, it seemed such a mean and selfish thing to do, however both times by trying to be nice (and also hoping the other person might one day change their mind) I ended up getting really badly hurt. I don't know, have you been in this situation yourself - unrequited love situation? Only once did this situation work out for me and I ended up having a 4 and a half year relationship after friendship with a guy I was attracted to turned into something more. I think this skewed my views on the whole hanging around, being friends until the other person is ready scenario, it made me think that it happened once so it can happen again, but it normally doesn't work that way...unfortunately. Learned my lesson now! I understand Paddington. What you say also makes sense to me. And while I've been in situations of unrequited affection..I can't say I've ever been in a situation of unrequited love (unless of course you count my painful girlhood crush on Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club;)). Maybe it's not something I can understand until I've been in that situation or maybe it's because of my brain-wiring and premeditated self preservation, that I have been able to avoid this type of situation. I think there's more thinking to be done on the common theme I see here which is, in the cases of unrequited love testified to in this thread...the Lover doesn't do the work to mentally crush the crush, so to speak. There's still the hope that the Lovee will come around. I don't think that way.
Jersey Shortie Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 She rejected me very graciously and it was very emotional but I was deelpy hurt and distressed, to the point where my pancreas failed without cause or symptoms. I spent a month in the hospital afterwards. A holistic doctor told me pancreas regulates affection and emotion and when it fails it's the body's way of breaking down. Wow. I rather you not had to have gone through that but it is pretty amazing the way the body works. OP, I think you did the right thing in telling you you like her and would want something more. Where I think you might have gone a little wrong is spilling your whole guts out and telling her you love her already when you were just friends at that point in time. I don't advocate game playing out of selfishness but sometimes it's best not to get away everything for free and let something build. Sometimes, we need to wait for people to catch up to us in their feelings if that is even possible in the situation. Sometimes giving away all the marbles shifts a dyanmic that can be unattractive.
Author taylor1 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Wow. I rather you not had to have gone through that but it is pretty amazing the way the body works. OP, I think you did the right thing in telling you you like her and would want something more. Where I think you might have gone a little wrong is spilling your whole guts out and telling her you love her already when you were just friends at that point in time. I don't advocate game playing out of selfishness but sometimes it's best not to get away everything for free and let something build. Sometimes, we need to wait for people to catch up to us in their feelings if that is even possible in the situation. Sometimes giving away all the marbles shifts a dyanmic that can be unattractive. This is helping me out big time being able to talk this out with you guys and getting your opinions on this, thank you all. See its just a very mixed feeling on my part here's whats in my mind right now in no particular order: 1. In order to ever have a hope of getting out of the friends zone and getting the girl i love , what I did was the only way I would ever stand a chance 2. I did in fact lose a very close friend, but there's no way i could beat myself up for the rest of my life and watch her with other guys (ive had to do that on 2 occasions now) what are u guys thoughts on both of these?
Recommended Posts