taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Okay folks here's my current situation: So I had been friends with a girl for a while now and we had gotten very close as such. Well my feelings for her had been developing too much more than just friends for a while, I had always been there for her when shes needed a shoulder to cry on, etc. So I finally spillled myself to her, told her I loved her and everything and asked if she wanted to try as more than friends, I held nothing back and left nothing unsaid She told me she didnt feel the same way and that we became "too close as friends" (which is a BS excuse in my opinion) I told her i respected her decision but that I was not gonna be able to continue as just friends because of how strong my feelings are for her and that it might be for the best if we stopped talking, she said she completely understands and isnt mad at me. I also told her that I meant it when i said i truely loved her and if she ever wants to give it a try someday, and i still feel the same way, that we would give it a try and if its meant to be itll happen I know there are plenty of other girls out there (especially out here in California lol) but i truely love her and hope she realizes she wants me......Did I do the right thing guys?
dreamergrl Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I doubt it. Mainly because she already considers you too much of a friend. You were doing good until letting her know to come running if she changes her mind. You became too available.
JeezLouise Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I think you did the right thing. I would probably have left a door open as well, because sometimes people don't realize how strongly they feel about someone until the other person is gone. But you do have to hold tight to this, you know. No random texts to see how she is doing, no calls, no meeting for coffee. Definitely be casual and friendly if you run into her somewhere, but no puppy dog eyes. She knows here to find you if she wants you.
boldjack Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I disagree with Dg on this. Honesty is NEVER the wrong thing to do , just as lying is never the right thing. Too many people are into games playing and manipulation. You have laid it on the line, and can move on, date other people, secure in the knowledge that she knows where you stand.
dreamergrl Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I doubt it. Mainly because she already considers you too much of a friend. You were doing good until letting her know to come running if she changes her mind. You became too available. but i truely love her and hope she realizes she wants me...... This is what I meant by I doubt it. I read it wrong and thought it was a question if she will ever realize... I do agree that honesty is the best way to go, and ceasing contact was the right thing.
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I think if you truly loved her you wouldn't have told her that she had to choose a relationship or nothing with you. That's not love. IMO. That's selfishness.
JeezLouise Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I think if you truly loved her you wouldn't have told her that she had to choose a relationship or nothing with you. That's not love. IMO. That's selfishness. No, that's self-protection and self-love. Why should he stand around and be her closest friend, her confidant, and watch her meet and fall in love with someone else? Moving away from an unfulfilling love interest isn't selfishness; it's called being healthy and strong.
GorillaTheater Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I think if you truly loved her you wouldn't have told her that she had to choose a relationship or nothing with you. That's not love. IMO. That's selfishness. No, that's self-preservation. He couldn't have a healthy (for him) friendship with her, feeling the way he does. You did the right thing, Taylor.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I think you could possible have avoided losing her as a friend. Of course, I'm sure the pain would hinder you from progressing towards a loving relationship with another person.... Who am I to judge? I'm sure you did the right thing.
WTRanger Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I don't think he'll lose her as a friend. If you've gotten that close to someone, you almost never loose touch with them. What he's doing is a good thing though, he's got to move away from her for a bit to let his feelings cool off. Then, after that time has passed can the reconnect if they choose and which they almost always do. You did the right thing. You can't keep that stuff inside of you, it will turn black and kill you from the inside out. However, learn a lesson from this. You became too available to her and got friend-zoned. You need to make yourself available for her for the big issues, but you have to let some small ones slide. You've got to retain your mystery to her, so she can still see you as a challenge. You don't want to be the emotional tampon. You need to be the emotional tourniquet. You're there to stop the major bleeding, but leave the minor stuff so someone else. I know this as I speak from experience. I met a girl and was there for her through a rough spot in her life, but I made myself far too available. I became the bigger brother / protector rather than the boyfriend. I told her my feelings she told me she wasn't sure and she needed time to think. Which in girl talk equals, I'm going to go meet as many guys as I can and play the field. Then, if I can't find anyone better then I guess you'll work. If you really want to call her bluff, do what carhill says and ask her to set you up with one of her friends. See how she reacts. If she truly just sees you as a friend, then she should have no problem with this.
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 No, that's self-preservation. He couldn't have a healthy (for him) friendship with her, feeling the way he does. You did the right thing, Taylor. Well, in fairness, the OP's question was "Did I do the right thing?" My opinion was that he did not. I don't fault him for coming clean to her. But I do think that for all intents and purposes, to make her choose between a relationship or nothing was not a sign of "love". It's not her fault that the OP has romantic feelings for her. Now she's lost a friend. At least for the time being.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Well, in fairness, the OP's question was "Did I do the right thing?" My opinion was that he did not. I don't fault him for coming clean to her. But I do think that for all intents and purposes, to make her choose between a relationship or nothing was not a sign of "love". It's not her fault that the OP has romantic feelings for her. Now she's lost a friend. At least for the time being. Well, he's losing a friend, too. And if its selfish of him to say its got to be all or nothing, how is it any better to be friends with someone when its killing him? If she knows he wants more, but expects him to stick around as a friend, THAT is selfish. It's not fair to anyone if they have feelings and the other person doesnt. That feels horrible, and there is no point putting yourself through that. You did the absolute right thing for YOU. And you know what? Sometimes you have no choice but to be selfish. Its like when an ex wants to 'be friends' but you know that isnt going to work for you. Yeah, maybe its selfish, but its a good selfish. You and your happiness should always come first.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 I understand where you're coming from when you say its selfish, i tried just being friends with her in the past and i had to watch her with other guys and watch them treat her terribly, and i just couldnt bring myself to do it anymore. My hope with this is one of 2 things: 1. me being gone makes her realize how much she cares for me and she decides she wants to be with me. 2. (and i really hope it doesnt come to this one) Time passes and I meet someone new and get over my feelings for her I know it may sound bad but ive always built myself as being an honest person, something she always admired, im not gonna be able to do just friends
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 2. (and i really hope it doesnt come to this one) Time passes and I meet someone new and get over my feelings for her I would bet everything I own that this is what's going to happen. You're doing the right thing dude, but that doesnt mean it won't suck. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 I would bet everything I own that this is what's going to happen. You're doing the right thing dude, but that doesnt mean it won't suck. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing to do. Yeah exactly how I feel, I know this is whats best. She said that she would let me know if she ever changed her mind, and told her if its meant to be then it will happen and she agreed fully. So if this is truely the end of our talking then at least we left each other on a good note Its just weve been thru some crazy **** together and I cant even believe this is truely it.............
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Its just weve been thru some crazy **** together and I cant even believe this is truely it............. Another reason why I think it was premature to give her an ultimatum. You'll suffer from it. You're going to miss her and then you'll re-evaluate your decision because you want her in your life. Tell me, all those times you were there for her....was it because you loved her and wanted to give her the comfort of a friend or did you do it because of your romantic motivations. Honest question.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 AC, do you really think the guy should continue to be there for her, meeting her wants and needs, while his go unfulfilled? What else is he supposed to do, put himself through hell for her benefit? Thats insanity.
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 AC, do you really think the guy should continue to be there for her, meeting her wants and needs, while his go unfulfilled? What else is he supposed to do, put himself through hell for her benefit? Thats insanity. No, not at all. You misunderstand me. Perhaps it's my delivery. If she is a drain on him with her issues and he doesn't feel like being there for her, then he shouldn't. That's why I asked him the question...what are your motivations for being there for her? If it's truly because he loves her and wants to be there for her, that's no different than when we (as females) help out another girlfriend through trying times. BUT if he was only ever there for her because he thought it increased his chances of a romantic attachment, then that's different. And selfish. He claims to truly love her and boasts of a strong connection (friends). Why is she all of a sudden responsible for this? She didn't ask for her friend to fall in love with her.
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 And would it kill him to try and get over it and move on while still having a wonderful friendship? We're in control of our own situations. A little strength wouldn't hurt him. And, and I hesitate to say this, but it might come of as very attractive to her. His strength and commitment to the friendship, I mean. Might just paint a whole new picture of him.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Another reason why I think it was premature to give her an ultimatum. You'll suffer from it. You're going to miss her and then you'll re-evaluate your decision because you want her in your life. Tell me, all those times you were there for her....was it because you loved her and wanted to give her the comfort of a friend or did you do it because of your romantic motivations. Honest question. Honestly and I know u dont know me but im always honest, theres no point in lying with this it wont help, I was there for because I loved her and wanted to be there for her, it made me sick to my stomach to watch her get hurt, I would literally lose sleep over it, and thats when my feelings for her continued to get stronger. I just cant keep beating myself up over this. I think there is a fine line betweeen being loving, caring and being there for someone and just being down right foolish and someone's "break in case of emergency" guy. Agree or disagree? Trust me guys this is the last thing i wanted to do but in order for there to ever be a chance for a romantic relationship i feel this is how it will need to be for a while at least
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Honestly and I know u dont know me but im always honest, theres no point in lying with this it wont help, I was there for because I loved her and wanted to be there for her, it made me sick to my stomach to watch her get hurt, I would literally lose sleep over it, and thats when my feelings for her continued to get stronger. I just cant keep beating myself up over this. I think there is a fine line betweeen being loving, caring and being there for someone and just being down right foolish and someone's "break in case of emergency" guy. Agree or disagree? Agreed. And I really do feel for you. It must be torture to love someone deeply who doesn't see you in a romantic light. Please don't mistake my advice and comments as unfeeling. And I don't think you should be a doormat. But has she treated you as one? Or is it possibly the feelings you have making you feel like she owes you more for your kindness. My advice. And this will be hard. Continue to be her friend. If she is a repeat offender in that she continues to allow guys to hurt her. Be there for her in the sense that you say something to the effect of "I will be here for you IF you want to make your life better. But I will not coddle you or enable you when you get yourself into situations that are bad for you". But be her friend. Share a mutual friendship. Meanwhile, get out there and see what other awesome girls await you and are ready to reciprocate your affection.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 unfortunately she has given up our friendship in the past for a guy and has come back to me in the past and has apologized for doing such, she has used me as a doormat in the past I just know that im not gonna be able to watch be with another guy. You guys are really making me second guess this Have I really not gone about this right? I do truely love her and she seemed to understand where I was coming from on this
AlektraClementine Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 unfortunately she has given up our friendship in the past for a guy and has come back to me in the past and has apologized for doing such, she has used me as a doormat in the past I just know that im not gonna be able to watch be with another guy. You guys are really making me second guess this Have I really not gone about this right? I do truely love her and she seemed to understand where I was coming from on this Well now we're getting somewhere. She's used your friendship conveniently. You say she's "back-burnered" your friendship for a dude? If that's true, then she's not worthy of your love. Friendly or romantically. I'm just responding to your presentation of things. So keep that in mind as you are divulging info. How did you end up falling for her if she treated you like you were disposable?
GorillaTheater Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 With all respect to Alektra, if it would hurt you to maintain a friendship with this girl, don't do it. I've been in that situation and it's painful, sometimes very painful. Self-preservation does NOT equal selfishness. You have to do what's right for you in this instance. No, she did not ask for you to feel the way you feel, but at the some time you can't deny or dismiss your feelings. This isn't about her, it's about you: if being her friend will hurt you, you can't be her friend.
Author taylor1 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 I ended up falling for her because things werent always like this, she used to call and text me all the time just to talk, after she kicked that guy to the curb we got close again. Recently things took a turn for the worst and it seemed like she was just using me and talking to me when it was convenient for her. Hence y i did the basically do u want to be with me or not? But i did feel the need to leave the door open and leave her the opportunity, i did tell her not to expect me to wait around tho Do u guys agree that if she ever feels the same way she will come for me now?
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