fitzy30 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 going out with my ex 4 and a half years im 30 shes 23 and we moved to the city 8 months ago she was with me for the 5 months and decided to break up so we are 3 months broke up she said she wished we didnt move in together so soon and moved to the city so soon,i met her for lunch las week and she seemed very happy as she wanted to be friends when we said her goodbyes i was heartbroken, she emailed me this the the next day I loved our time together and it will always be so special to me. Please please don't feel guilty as I want us to remember the great times we had together and all the happiness we shared. And I hope in time you can move on as you deserve to be happy more than anything!! I loved seeing you and really hope we can remain friends as you still mean so much to me. There are times when I miss you also and I miss your family too.. and I want you to know that you are a wonderful person and you will always hold a place in my heart as we were together for so long. I really hope you can be happy and hope you do so well with all your future plans! I am happy for you and proud of you for all you have achieved so far!! So be happy and enjoy life and look to the future with no regret, and remember you are a good person and I will always think of you with a smile on my face. does the my ex really mean this that there is no hope getting back together is it final?? or do dumpers just say this cause the breakup is at early stages? and maybe in the future we may get back together ,im moving on anyway.
Ronni_W Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 It sounds very genuine...and very final. In my experience, people can really only offer such sentiments in a genuine, heartfelt way when, for them, there is NO CHANCE for anything in the future. Zero, nada, zip. You are doing the most appropriate thing by moving on. It really does seem as if she is already way past it. She is already living her "next life"...is how her message comes across to me.
Author fitzy30 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 im not going to be friends with her..Dumpers really know how to hurt somebody.ahhhhhhhh.
Truly Lost Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Yeah, I think she knows exactly what she wants and told you in the nicest way possible. Its unfortunate that relationships get to this point, but it happens. One person is always going to be more hurt than the other. I don't think she is anticipating a reconciliation at all. She would not have gone to the trouble of writing such a sincere and well defined message if she had hopes that the relationship would survive. I'm sorry you are hurting, but it gets easier with time. When you meet someone else, and you will, that person will take your mind off your ex.
CaliGuy Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 This is going to sound harsh but isn't meant to be. What your ex is telling you is that she no longer has any romantic feelings for you. That she loves you as a person but she is no longer IN LOVE with you. You need to accept this as final (whether it is or not) because in her eyes right now, it IS final. No one can know with 100% accuracy what is in the mind of someone else. Odds are she has someone else in mind. You should take her advice and move on. That said, I would advise you that as long as you are still IN LOVE with her then I suggest instead of remaining friends with her that you go NO CONTACT with her. That means no calls, no meeting up, no returning emails, block her from IM or social web sites. DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY from her life. For how long? Well, in your case I would say indefinitely. It's not going to do you a lick of good to chase someone who doesn't want to be with you. Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option. Going NC with her will give you plenty of time to heal. Don't cyber stalk her. You don't need to know what's going on with her life. You have NO CONTROL over her. Just yourself. Read the links in my signature for more info.
Author fitzy30 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 thnaks everyone ill do everything you said Caliguy
Author fitzy30 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Update! day 8 of NC.. Ex texted me today she said, Hi how are you how? what should i text back,i dont want to be friends and i dont want to keep in contact,unless she wants to tallk about a second chance which i doubt it from her.
Miguelrg Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 re-read cali guys post! Don't reply, just disapear! The only time i would even consider saying what you said is if she got in contact with me saying how she missed me or somethin! Hi how are you is just a message keeping tabs that your still around! Disapear, kapoof, she doesnt deserve your friendship! Stay strong i'm on 8 days nc too. i've broke it twice already and believe me, once you do it, your back to square 1
Author fitzy30 Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 thanks im not going to break NC and im going to stick with not texting and i also have a date tonight.which is also good.
CaliGuy Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 thanks im not going to break NC and im going to stick with not texting and i also have a date tonight.which is also good. Don't mention your ex, or any ex's, to your date tonight. Keep it light. Keep it fun.
nolanola Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I have to agree with the above posters about going NC from your ex. It is too hard to try to be "friends" with someone that you still have romantic feelings for. It's hard to say why she wrote that note to you or what it "means", but I think that as of right now you should consider it a final statement and not hope for a reconciliation. That said, it is impossible to know how someone's feelings may be in a month or a year. I would take the letter at face value today and try your best to move on. It's not easy and all of us on here know that, but it does get easier the longer you go without seeing or talking to them. As for her text message, I would text or email her and let her know that you prefer not to talk to for the time being so that you can move on with your life. She sounds like someone that you care about a great deal and it doesn't sound like a bitter break up, so I think it's best to be honest with her as she has been with you. I am going to guess that she will probably still try to contact you and at that point you can ignore her. Just my two cents...
redy2 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 i dated a girl basically we did the same thing. then just went no contact for 10 years or so. now 15 years since we dated we email on occassion. but nothing much just what we are up to and stuff.
Confused9 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Wow, my x was such a d*ck to me when he broke it off with me. We were together for 7 years. I would have much rathered something like this...closure. Take if for what she says. She is a very respectable girl to send this to you. Means she cares about yuo, but just not the way she needs to to continue a romantic relationship. Use this as motivation to move on... Good luck!
Author fitzy30 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 im on Day 21 of NC..im so happy im after getting this far.every day i do NC im getting better..
BCCA Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Reading between the lines, the jist I got from her email is that she's basically telling you to find someone else to make you happy, because its not going to be her. I also noticed she mentioned friends a few times, which is common. It seems women like to pretend that you can be friends with the person whose heart you just broke because they feel less guilty that way. Her text is also pretty common. It didnt really say anything meaningful, she just wanted to see if you were still her 'friend', meaning: she just wants to make sure you dont hate her. Even if you do, oh well, but she would prefer to believe that you dont mind that she dumped you. I honestly believe a lot of dumpers make it out like its a good thing for everyone, so they dont feel like theyre totally selfish. Keep NC. 21 days is good man, pretty soon it will be a month, and so on. Take it from me, no good will ever come of being friends with someone you have feelings for. Keeping in touch is pointless, and you really dont want to know what shes up to. Best to just close that chapter of life and move on.
Author fitzy30 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 thanks BCAA i wonder will i ever hear from her again we were really close at the time..not that it matters and i dont want to be friends.one of these days ill prob get a text and my stomach will drop.
BCCA Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 thanks BCAA i wonder will i ever hear from her again we were really close at the time..not that it matters and i dont want to be friends.one of these days ill prob get a text and my stomach will drop. You might, but you probably wont. I felt the same way after my 5 year relationship ended, thought I would have to ignore emails/texts, or deal with calls, etc. Almost a year later, nothing. Women usually have someone else in mind when they dump a guy, even if its only for a one night stand. Once they move on to someone else, they just dont seem to look back. There are exceptions, for sure, but for the most part when a woman moves on, she's gone for good. We should both be happy not to hear from them, though. There are people whose ex's use and mistreat them for years afterward, so at least we're spared that hell. And like I always say, unless an ex wants to call and say they made a huge mistake, they dont have anything to say that I want to hear.
Author fitzy30 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 its amazing after 5yrs its like your dead they just dont even want to be your friend (not that i want that)..we were always together and got on well until we moved to the city and moved in together she got a job before me went out with her new friends after a month working there and blanked me out,she always choose her friends over me as well (its prob her age 23 and im 30),i treated her so well i hope in her new relationship she is treated like **** and then she will know what she has lost.ME.after 6 months living together she left and she said she was dropping hints that she wasnt happy..i mean cmon HINTS..im just going to move on and think about myself and hope i find another girl i cant treat and respect as i always do to women.
BCCA Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 its amazing after 5yrs its like your dead they just dont even want to be your friend (not that i want that)..we were always together and got on well until we moved to the city and moved in together she got a job before me went out with her new friends after a month working there and blanked me out,she always choose her friends over me as well (its prob her age 23 and im 30),i treated her so well i hope in her new relationship she is treated like **** and then she will know what she has lost.ME.after 6 months living together she left and she said she was dropping hints that she wasnt happy..i mean cmon HINTS..im just going to move on and think about myself and hope i find another girl i cant treat and respect as i always do to women. You know what the funny thing is about hints? If you asked her about it directly, she would have surely told you everything was just fine. I never understood why people cant just come out and say what they want, but whatever I suppose. I think you become a source of guilt. They know they did you wrong, and they know they dont deserve anything from you, so they just dissapear.
Exit Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 You know what the funny thing is about hints? If you asked her about it directly, she would have surely told you everything was just fine. I never understood why people cant just come out and say what they want, but whatever I suppose. I think you become a source of guilt. They know they did you wrong, and they know they dont deserve anything from you, so they just dissapear. Brilliant post. I am also a victim of "hints". I know most women on the planet like to use this system of hints and signals, and feel like if someone loves them, they will be paying close enough attention to get the message, but it's BS. You don't truly love someone until you can look them in the eye and say "I love you, and this is what I need from you". This one thought has made it sooo much easier for me to start moving on from my ex. I kick myself over all the things I did wrong, didn't take her out enough, etc etc, but I KNOW if she had ever just sat down and told me "hey I'm a little unhappy about this, can we go out more?" I would have done it in a heartbeat. If they would ever say "I'm GOING to leave if this doesn't change", instead it's "I'M LEAVING and this is why". I do not feel like trying to read minds for the rest of my life, I will find a woman who can communicate like an adult.
Author fitzy30 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 I do not feel like trying to read minds for the rest of my life, I will find a woman who can communicate like an adult. Great Line...thats what i want an Adult..so immature my ex to not sit down and talk about it,prob took advice from her friends like she always does and they prob said drop hints and see will he notice if he does then he loves you if not leave,something stupid like that i say her friends told her
BCCA Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Honestly, I dont think they want it to work out, thats why theyre indirect about it. They want to pretend like they 'tried', but it just wasnt meant to be, so instead of being upfront, they just say random things here and there, and then tell themselves if it was meant to be you would've gotten it. Its pretty much denial. Same with trying to pretend that you're friends, they're just denying that its not realistic. As for her friends, people only listen to people that say what they want to hear. I know its easy to say that she probably listened to much to her friends, but truth be told, she probably told them what she thought and they just agreed. Thats usually the way it goes.
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