thebear08 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I met her at improv club last fall during my first year at art college. Immediately i knew she was going to be different than all the other girls i've ever met. Unlike most girls, she was funny, no she was hilarious and i was instantly attracted. I've never known a girl who had a better sense of humor than my self, and all i wanted was to be around her always. If things went my way, i'd have hung out with her and the rest of out comedy group till i felt comfortable enough to ask her to do stuff together with just the two of us and move on from there. But no, no of course life has to be a bitch and not work out exactly how i want it. The more i hung out with her the more i learned how hard it is to be around her. Any day where we aren't doing improv or sketch comedy she is always doing homework or cooped up in her room. I don't think she has ever had a boyfriend or even been with a guy, or even a girl for that matter. In that respect i feel bad even hinting at anything that could mean anything other that just friends, or even just being better friends. She is so dark and mysterious, which just makes me more and more crazy about her. She is impossible to understand which gives me nothing to start with. I'm so scared that if i make too much of a move it will risk our friendship, thus making our improv and sketch comedy group fairly awkward. Has anyone out there known a girl like this one? I've asked my friends for advice but none of them know how to go about it either. Any ideas, other stories or help is much appreciated.
Ronni_W Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I've asked my friends for advice but none of them know how to go about it either. Your friends don't know how to go about WHAT? Asking a person out for coffee? To a movie? To check out the talent at your local Improv/Comedy club? Or is it more that you've already authored this entire "story" in your head, from start to finish, and decided to write it as one big tragedy? Thing here is: You ARE worthy and deserving and "good enough" to have a healthy, positive, normal, happy relationship with the woman of your dreams! Practical steps. Have you revealed yourself to her slowly, openly and honestly? Have you asked non-threatening questions about her life, dreams, fears, talents? Do you look for and express your appreciation/admiration of her REAL positive qualities? (Not the drama-filled crap like "dark and mysterious". And also not backhanded like, "You're funnier than me.") Most importantly, what are you doing about developing an ACCURATE image of her, so that you won't keep her on that pedestal and won't just continue to be afraid of her? Cos these two, inter-related things are what will screw it all up, in the end. Not sure if this article will help, but having an intuitive sense to offer it anyway: http://umsonline.org/Reading/PastIssues/2005/Spring05/Articles/QualitiesOfLovingPartnerships.htm Good luck! Rewrite the story...have it end the way you ACTUALLY want it to end, yes?
Author thebear08 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Wow great advice man! That gives me a lot to think about. So what you are saying is that i shouldn't think about what might happen and just go for what i want to happen? Ok, i can do that, its just so hard to break her wall that she puts up around everyone except for a few select people. Do you think i should put myself in a mindset where i am trying to be her good friend rather than her boyfriend? I figure that might help me not be so nervous and not think about how to be super close to her. But then again, what if that just puts me in the friends zone which just makes the boyfriend zone so much harder to achieve? How do i let her know how interesting i think she is with out crossing that border of creepy?
Ronni_W Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 A mindset of getting to know her likes, dislikes, dreams, fears, goals, interests, favourite things -- treat her as if she is a NORMAL person (which she is, btw ) In reality, right now you do NOT know her well enough to know if you want to be her boyfriend -- having a "boyfriend" mindset is like you trying to go from kindergarten to high school...THAT is also why it feels so bloody impossible for you to pull off. And SHE does not know you well enough to know if she wants to be your girlfriend. When you start it, it will totally be a "let's get to find that out first" phase. (Notice I said "when" and not "if" -- you ARE gonna do something different than you have been doing, yes?) Do not go all "super close" on her like some kinda lunatic!!! Watch and wait. And remember to breathe, for God's sake...you must put staying alive as you number one priority. Which is to say, don't even THINK about being nervous (which'll just get you acting all self-centred and narcissistic) and allow your time with her to unfold instead of trying to control things -- does that make sense? Yes, go for what you do actually want...in a gentle, easy, go-with-the-flow kind of way. Invite her for coffee, a movie, to the improv club just the two of you. Act like a gentleman, be attentive, look into her eyes, smile a lot, -- you will NOT get "friend zoned" (we women aren't stoopid, you know...we CAN and do pick up on the signals! ) You express your interest by inviting her out somewhere. You don't have to specifically say that you find her interesting...that is implied when you ask her out the next time, and the next. When you're inviting her out and being out with her, there is nothing for you to DO (except breathe, like I mentioned earlier.) Allow things to happen FOR you...life is such that things WILL happen when we give it the space. Just be who you are and be open to finding out who she is. Honestly, you've got this whole big FANTASY image of her swirling around in your brain and you may learn that she is not at all like that. Throw the fantasy version out before you even begin, would be my suggestion. Impossible to tell from here if she actually does have a "wall" around her, or if that is YOUR fear of approaching her that just seems to you like it belongs to her -- know what I mean?
Author thebear08 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 ok ok, you are awesome, i couldn't ask for better help. But i have one more question. We are both in different states, what do you think i could do for the summer? We have facebook and twitter, thats about our only way for communication. do you think i should just wait till fall semester? or try and build up something over the net?
Ronni_W Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 (Sorry...I didn't see your most-recent post until now.) To me, you kind of have to "make do" with what you've got. First, you do want to ask her if she WANTS to stay in touch with you over the Summer, though. And if she says 'yes', ASK what will work best for her. Also if she says 'yes', do not forget snail mail -- people (well, women) are more likely to save pretty cards and cute notes than they are to print-off emails and stuff from Facebook and Twitter. And we do go through our "treasure chest of sentimental stuff" every once in a while. At the same time, do NOT go all nutso with emailing, texting, snail mailing and twittering 12 times a day, or even every day. Again, you can ASK her what SHE thinks would be reasonable and appropriate -- that is also part of finding out HER preferences, dislikes, etc. And of course, observe and follow her lead. or try and build up something over the net? Change that mindset, young man!!! to something closer to, "Learn to get to know each other a little better, over the net." See what I mean? Good luck...and have a happy 'Summer of Discovery'
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