rounder08 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I read all these posts and advice that if you want to get back with your ex, you cannot send them texts/emails/phone them/etc. being pathetic, and that you just have to respect their decision and sort of deal with it. However, what if you read this advice too late and have taken the 'pathetic' route already, is it too late to change her opinions about you? I've made multiple mistakes with my ex, and being pathetic about it (if you've read my other posts you'll see). Now, through this website, I am understanding the right approaches to take, but I am worried it is too late.
CaliGuy Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I read all these posts and advice that if you want to get back with your ex, you cannot send them texts/emails/phone them/etc. being pathetic, and that you just have to respect their decision and sort of deal with it. However, what if you read this advice too late and have taken the 'pathetic' route already, is it too late to change her opinions about you? Bottom line, no. It's probably too late. I've made multiple mistakes with my ex, and being pathetic about it (if you've read my other posts you'll see). Now, through this website, I am understanding the right approaches to take, but I am worried it is too late. Worrying that it's "too late" will simply keep you from healing. What's done is done and can not be changed. If I were you, I'd focus on NC, healing and moving on. Act as though she will never come back. If she doesn't, you'll be healed. If she does, then you can decide what to do later. "No man who has worried has ever added a day to his life...."
cabarc1 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Everyone is different! I did it for 3 months, begged, called, went to his house.....did it all. And he was turned off/annoyed by it. He was seeing another girl at the time. I finally stopped and after that, he was the one contacting me every few weeks, which i ignored. 8 months into their relationship, he can't stop thinking about me, dumps her, and then dumps me after one date, lol. No matter what, don't count on it.
Author rounder08 Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that, but he's an idiot anyways. Your situation has given me some hope in regards to him thinking about you constantly, and then dumping her. While it is probably false hope, at least stories like that keep me going with sticking to NC. If she doesn't end up coming back, I'm hoping that I'll be over her anyways.
alphamale Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 However, what if you read this advice too late and have taken the 'pathetic' route already, is it too late to change her opinions about you? bad timing, too bad....spend your energy healing and finding someone else
Nuala83 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I read all these posts and advice that if you want to get back with your ex, you cannot send them texts/emails/phone them/etc. being pathetic, and that you just have to respect their decision and sort of deal with it. However, what if you read this advice too late and have taken the 'pathetic' route already, is it too late to change her opinions about you? I've made multiple mistakes with my ex, and being pathetic about it (if you've read my other posts you'll see). Now, through this website, I am understanding the right approaches to take, but I am worried it is too late. It's difficult to say Rounder, It's never impossible to get back with your ex but at the same time it's not really within your control. Does that make any sense? The heart wants what it wants and if hers wants you, you'll know about it (I haven't read your story by the way but I'm about to). It's perfectly natural to hold out hope so don't feel that you shouldn't. I take it by saying "Now, through this website, I am understanding the right approaches to take" you're talking about cutting off contact? If you are, well done. Actually...now I come to think of it, getting back with your ex is somewhat within your control. By getting over the break up, being happy, fixing any problems you may have had and getting on with your life (easier said than done), you stand the best chance of her taking another look at you. There's no guarantees but if it doesn't bring her back to you, you've gained something anyways. It's a win win situation. It's funny but it seems that once you do get over your ex and start to feel happy with your life again, that's when they make a sudden re-appearance! This can be weeks or months down the line but it happens time and time again to a LOT of people. Sod's law!!!
Stark Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 It's funny but it seems that once you do get over your ex and start to feel happy with your life again, that's when they make a sudden re-appearance! This can be weeks or months down the line but it happens time and time again to a LOT of people. Sod's law!!! Too true. Also I am in the same position as you OP. Towards the end before we cut contact I acted like I needed her when in reality I didn't, I just wanted to make something work since I liked her a lot and wanted to try something, which came across as kind of pathetic in her eyes I suppose. In some girls eyes being honest/upfront instead of playing the usual game works, in some girls eyes it doesn't. I was just honest and upfront in what I wanted and despite her being the one to contact me after 4 years she turned me down when I wanted something more serious. It's two weeks on or so and there have been moments I dwelled on it. But, if your case is the same as mine, your ex will end up come crawling back at some point, and then you can make your decision and not make the same mistakes as last time. In the meantime concentrate yourself on improving yourself and you'll be too happy with how you're mentally and physically improving yourself to dwell on thoughts of your ex, it's literally impossible to still be sad in that sort of position.
Author rounder08 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 Hey thanks everyone, As it is with everyone who is dealing with a break-up, this is has been unbelievably hard recently. The weird thing is, is that I do not know why since we have been broken up for almost 5 months, and I have known about her and her ex for almost 2 months. It gets harder everyday. I think my main issue is that I feel that as each day goes by, those two get closer and closer, thus minimizing any chance of us getting back together. I get worried that I need to do something and fast. This usually results with me dumping all my emotions on her. I read on here all the times when an ex has contacted someone like 8 months later, so that gives me hope in the sense that their relationship may not work out in the future. Plus it is a rebound relationship, and she said that there had always been apart of her that wanted to give him another chance. I dunno, I'm just being stubborn and thinking of all the worse possibilities. I am keep thinking that she is so happy with him and everything is perfect, la di da....makes me sick.... but in reality, I have no idea how the relationship is going.
CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Hey thanks everyone, As it is with everyone who is dealing with a break-up, this is has been unbelievably hard recently. The weird thing is, is that I do not know why since we have been broken up for almost 5 months, and I have known about her and her ex for almost 2 months. It gets harder everyday. I think my main issue is that I feel that as each day goes by, those two get closer and closer, thus minimizing any chance of us getting back together. I get worried that I need to do something and fast. This usually results with me dumping all my emotions on her. You are worried over things you can not control. You need to learn to let that go because no matter what you do, you simply do not have any control over her or what she does. I read on here all the times when an ex has contacted someone like 8 months later, so that gives me hope in the sense that their relationship may not work out in the future. Plus it is a rebound relationship, and she said that there had always been apart of her that wanted to give him another chance. You are sort of in the denial and rationalization phase. If you hold out hope for a second chance, all that does is delay healing and rebuilding confidence and self-esteem. It also makes the time you will meet someone better for you drag out. I dunno, I'm just being stubborn and thinking of all the worse possibilities. I am keep thinking that she is so happy with him and everything is perfect, la di da....makes me sick.... but in reality, I have no idea how the relationship is going. Right. And we all do this. It's self punishment because we fret and worry over things we can't control. So what if their relationship is moving forward? It's really none of our business anymore. They chose to walk away from us, we should walk away from them as well. All worry is, in many ways, is a form of SELF PUNISHMENT. Worrying about them does nothing to bring them back. They are not sitting around pining over and missing you. They are living their lives. We should be doing the same.
Author rounder08 Posted May 23, 2009 Author Posted May 23, 2009 You're right CaliGuy, but I'm at that stage where I cannot control my thoughts and emotions. I know that what she does is out of my control, and that she is not worrying about me nearly as much as I am worrying about her, but no matter what I do to take my mind off of her, I just find myself thinking about her. I get lost in this trance of worry about her and I not getting back together ever again. I'll admit though, I am getting a tiny bit better. I sent her an email last week just outlining why I have been acting the way I have been acting, and when she finally messaged me today saying that she was sorry she hasn't responded and she just wanted time to think about it all, but she's been too busy with work, I didn't get all mushy with her. I just said "fine" and left it at that. I know it's nothing major, but before I would have just reiterated what I said in the email and would have forced some sort of response from her. It's a big step for me to sort of act like I don't care.
CaliGuy Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 You're right CaliGuy, but I'm at that stage where I cannot control my thoughts and emotions. I know that what she does is out of my control, and that she is not worrying about me nearly as much as I am worrying about her, but no matter what I do to take my mind off of her, I just find myself thinking about her. I get lost in this trance of worry about her and I not getting back together ever again. I'll admit though, I am getting a tiny bit better. I sent her an email last week just outlining why I have been acting the way I have been acting, and when she finally messaged me today saying that she was sorry she hasn't responded and she just wanted time to think about it all, but she's been too busy with work, I didn't get all mushy with her. I just said "fine" and left it at that. I know it's nothing major, but before I would have just reiterated what I said in the email and would have forced some sort of response from her. It's a big step for me to sort of act like I don't care. She takes a week to get back to you and you reply within seconds, right? That's the kind of thing you need to control. A reply wasn't even necessary at all. Yes, it's hard to get going with your life and forget about them. The thing is, if you don't start SOMEWHERE, you never will. My advice has always been the following: 1. Find some hobbies you've always wanted to do. If they are things that frighten you, like skydiving or rock climbing, ALL THE BETTER. Facing your fears builds confidence. 2. GET TO THE DAMN GYM! I mean that. Work your a$$ off at the gym. Working out releases endorphins that help stave off depression. I know, it worked for me. Now I am a workout freak and to top it off, I LOOK DAMN HOT 3. Spend time with friends. Don't talk too much about the relationship, but just go out, mingle with people and have fun, like you did before you met your ex. 4. Focus on what YOU control, what you did wrong and work earnestly to repair that. I suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover) as a means to start this process. Great book and helps LOTS of men recover from a bad relationship. People only get better when they WANT to. When they are TIRED of feeling sorry for themselves. When they realize that what they lost really wasn't anything that matters. Exs come and go. The only ones that should matter to you is the ONE that stays with you. Who loves you for who you are and won't run at the first sign of adversity.
James1984 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Everyone is different! I did it for 3 months, begged, called, went to his house.....did it all. And he was turned off/annoyed by it. He was seeing another girl at the time. I finally stopped and after that, he was the one contacting me every few weeks, which i ignored. 8 months into their relationship, he can't stop thinking about me, dumps her, and then dumps me after one date, lol. You got him back because he saw that you could live without him, and that took a HUGE amount of pressure off him. Yes, he'd been missing you, and yes he'd still have feelings. However, by the looks of things, you probably jumped at the date and was overcome with emotion thinking you'd got him back. This just put pressure on him and scared him off again. You should've kept things light on the date, and left him guessing for a few more dates whether you'd get back with him again.
cabarc1 Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I appreciate the input JAMES. I will def remember that if his butt ever tries to come back. I've felt so much better now that 1 month of 0 contact has gone by, i've met new people, interviewing for a new career. I'm seriously at a point where i'm so anxious to get out, try new things, and live life!!
nolanola Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Rounder, I was reading your comments and I know very much how you feel, as my ex started dating someone else not too long after we broke up. I spent a lot of time freaking out that he would forget me and that she must be so much better than me. Also, I was convinced that their relationship must be perfect because I must have been the one that caused our relationship to end. As you can imagine, this made me feel like crap. When I finally stopped trying to insert myself into his life by texting or calling, I started feeling better. Yes, I knew he was with someone else but it is somewhat easier when you don't see them or talk to them. I promise that as time goes by, you really will feel a lot better. I promise. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will. I thought I would never be happy again. I was in a deep depression and cried daily. I still have days where I feel awful and pathetic. It's not something that happens overnight. Just as an aside, I have a friend that was dating a guy for a couple of years. Out of the blue (to her anyway), he broke up with her and started dating someone else fairly quickly. She talked to him once when he called a few weeks after their breakup but otherwise they didn't speak for a year. During that year, he had a pretty serious relationship with another woman, which eventually ended. After a year of no contact, she called him and they wound up going to a concert together. That was about ten years ago and they have been happily married ever since then. People don't forget someone that they truly loved or cared for. I remember even the guys that I dated that I didn't even care about that much. One month won't cause someone to forget you. Let her go. Let her see what life is like without you in it. If you are meant to re-enter each others lives, you will. If not, you are bound to meet someone who will make your ex seem like ancient history.
Author rounder08 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Ya, NC is a win-win in a way. I'm not doing any good by drowning her with my emotions, it is only pushing her away. NC at least gives me the chance to get over her and let her see what life is like without me. I know I need to focus on me, but it's so hard when all I think about is her. I just want her back so badly that tomorrow I'll try and think of new ways to get her back. I'm too stuck in "now", and think if I do not do anything right now then I've lost her forever. If there is a small chance to get back together it's either now or never. I'm so impatient. Like she doesn't even live with the guy, and she only sees him like once or twice a week. Why am I so concerned with her and HER relationship? The only thing keeping me going is thinking that their relationship won't work out. I can't even force her out of my head when I try. I'm just in a bad rut now and am too caught up with this woman.
lofi_tokyo Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 nolanola, I really liked your reply! It is very honest and open hearted. Thanks for posting!
Author rounder08 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 nolanola, I really liked your reply! It is very honest and open hearted. Thanks for posting! I agree. Very good words of encouragement to get better.
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