Alpha Female Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I met a guy online recently. He called me, we talked for two hours! Had a lot in common. He was very pushy and persistent about meeting ASAP. I had a lot going on the next day, but I made time for him. We met for coffee last Friday morning. He showed up looking like he was going out for evening cocktails. Totally tricked out. Me? I showed up in jeans, tank top and flip flops. Very casual, and put no effort into it. He was pretty hot, and I freaked out. I had a huge wave of insecurity, and went nuts. We hung out for two hours, then he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye, and told me to call him when I have some free time. I took this as a blow off. So, I went nuts. Since I convinced myself he wasn't interested, I sent him a text on Friday night, saying that since he didn't want to date me, would he like to meet a friend? I thought he'd come back and say he did want to date me. Instead, he shot back with a yes. He then called me twice, and I didn't answer the phone. He texted me why I wasn't, and I said I had company. The next day, we started up texting again. This time I went even more crazy, and texted him a pic of me in a bikini (it wasn't that odd, as we had joked about just this). Iwrote something about how it was great we could be friends, even if we didn't turn each other on in person. He joked that it was a wow, even if I looked fat (again, a personal joke, I am not fat). But, I went with it, and faked being hurt. So, he asked again about meeting my friend. I told him she said if he found me fat and unattractive, then he wouldn't like her. He said he didn't find me unattractive, but that he was picky, and I wasn't for him. Ow. We went back and forth some more, and then we decided to be friends again. He asked me to go out that night, as he was going to meet friends at a hip bar, and had a friend he wanted me to meet. I said yes, and he said he would come pick me up. He was supposed to get me at 9:45. I walked out at 9:50, and saw he called. No message, no text. So I waited. And waited. Finally about 10:20, I texted him. He said he tried to call me to get directions, but I wouldn't answer the phone, and he was already at the bar! I was flipping mad that he blew me off. By the way, he had my business card, which has my home address on it. I figured he'd GPS me. We went back and forth, and finally I told him to lose my number. It was nasty. And now I can't stop thinking about him and would love a second chance. Which is crazy, because he's an idiot. I told him some personal things on our date which he joked about - things you don't joke about, and hes very old-fashioned and believes in barefoot and pregnant, which is definitely not me. Thing is, I think I blew it. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't have engaged with me as much as he did. He wouldn't have bothered. I think he probably was into me, but my insecurities blew it. I think he thinks I blew him off on Saturday night when I didn't answer the phone, which isn't true at all. I thought he blew me off! I know he's wrong for me, but I'm not moving on! Help!
paddington bear Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Oh Lord! What I call the 'crazy lady' version of you has been let out of the dark cupboard that she's usually bound and gagged in and now she's running wild and uncontrolled around the place and texting pictures of herself in a bikini to a guy she's only met for 2 hours. If I might remind you: "He said he didn't find me unattractive, but that he was picky, and I wasn't for him. Ow" Stop all contact. NOW!!! Please. You're only thinking about him all the time, despite him being a jerk because he's good looking and has totally played you, by showing his total lack of interest he's made you want him all the more.
stefspets Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Why would you text someone that you went out with one time that "I know you wouldn't want to date me, want to go out with my friend"? You immediately established yourself as insecure. When you saw he called, why didn't you return the call? You knew he was supposed to pick you up--so call him! You waited half an hour, he went to the club already because he didn't know where to go to get you. I wouldn't want to go out with somebody who was that pushy to meet up to begin with (him I mean). You're right, your insecurities blew it--you barely knew the guy and you were telling him to date your friend, arguing with him over text, and sending him bikini shots. If you want to move on I think you need to evaluate your actions in this scenario and figure out why you feel so insecure, and then try to fix it. Forget the guy, he doesn't sound like he's worth pursuing, especially after all the drama that's happened already.
Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 OP, let me ask you: Do you think a true alpha female would behave this way? Where do you think these insecurities stem from?
Author Alpha Female Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Paddington - Thanks, but why do people twist a story like this? I said the bikini pic was in following to a joke we had. And he said that after I told him repeatedly that I wasn't into him, and wasn't attracted to him. I think it was to save face. Stef - yes, I was insecure. Not sure if it came off that way to him. I think he took it as rejection from me. I mean, why else offer to set up a friend with someone new? And I didn't answer his call because I honestly did hear it. I was trying to get ready. When I saw he called later on, I had no idea why he called and I don't return calls of people who don't leave messages. He was crazy insecure. Before we met, he was asking me if I was busy because I was meeting all these other guys, and I can tell them to go away now that he's around. He also kept joking about me having a husband or boyfriend. And he did tell me that once we were together, we would need to "work on" me traveling for work, and also to get me to clean my own home, rather than use a service. My take is that we played the same game with each other. Both had our insecurities, and both reacted badly to each other.
Author Alpha Female Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Where do you think these insecurities stem from? It is not my normal behavior. This came from him being so overdone for the date, and me being really underdone. I felt physically insecure. He was dressed inappropriately for a coffee shop at 10AM on a weekday, but I didn't put any effort into making myself as hot as normal. If we had met for drinks, and I was all done up, I doubt I would have flipped out, as I would have felt more on my game.
gopher Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Why would a guy show up for a first meeting( not really even a date) totally tricked out....INSECURITY!!! You looked great I bet, if I met a woman the first time and she looked like she was ready to go out for dinner and dancing...I would runnnnnnnnnn
BCCA Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I think he took it as rejection from me. I mean, why else offer to set up a friend with someone new? I would have taken that as insecure. First, he never said he wasnt interested, you jumped to that conclusion because he said 'call me sometime' which you should know is how ALL douchebag guys act. As much as women hate their crap, my god, it certainly does seem to work. I also think you were secretly hoping he would say, "no I am interested, sorry if I came across some other way' because then you wouldnt feel insecure, you would be in the drivers seat. Also, I know people might disagree, but if you saw that the guy called - call him back. Whats the point of waiting him out, did you think he would call again? I dont get it.
paddington bear Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Paddington - Thanks, but why do people twist a story like this? I said the bikini pic was in following to a joke we had. And he said that after I told him repeatedly that I wasn't into him, and wasn't attracted to him. I think it was to save face. Stef - yes, I was insecure. Not sure if it came off that way to him. I think he took it as rejection from me. I mean, why else offer to set up a friend with someone new? And I didn't answer his call because I honestly did hear it. I was trying to get ready. When I saw he called later on, I had no idea why he called and I don't return calls of people who don't leave messages. He was crazy insecure. Before we met, he was asking me if I was busy because I was meeting all these other guys, and I can tell them to go away now that he's around. He also kept joking about me having a husband or boyfriend. And he did tell me that once we were together, we would need to "work on" me traveling for work, and also to get me to clean my own home, rather than use a service. My take is that we played the same game with each other. Both had our insecurities, and both reacted badly to each other. Alphafemale, I've had my fair share of replies on LS that sound harsh - it's hard sometimes with black and white letters on a screen to get a tone of voice across. However...I know you said you'd been joking about it on the date, and it probably seemed like a cute thing to do, sending the pic, but for me anyway (others can disagree) I think it's too soon to share photos of you with a lot of skin showing. It just gives the guy the wrong idea of you. You probably wanted to be sexy and playful and instead he thinks 'this chick send me a photo of herself in a bikini, she wants me desperately' and may not see you as a potential romantic partner more as a f***buddy or just as simply desperate. I say the crazy lady thing (myself included), because we've all been there, acted out of character when attracted to someone. But in all honesty and I'm really not trying to be mean here, from what you posted you sound like you spun totally out of control with this guy. Why would you tell him you weren't into him, when you were? Why would you offer to set him up with a friend when that's the last thing you wanted? You said you played a game with each other and that's what it sounds exactly like to me, neither of you comminciated honestly with each other. That can be playful, but it's not playful if you're operating from a place of fear. You out of fear decided that he didn't want you, to test this you offered to set him up with a friend, hoping for the validation of an answer along the lines of "but I'm interested in dating you, not someone else". When you didn't get this answer this made you feel even worse, now you're feeling really insecure. Maybe he didn't deal honestly with you, but nor did you deal honestly with him and then you got burned. One time I really liked this guy, we'd just been on a nice date and he sent me some sweet text messages later that night. One of them sounded a bit 'off' to me so I replied 'look if you're not interested in seeing me any more, I'd prefer if you'd say it right now' and he replied 'I didn't mean it in that way at all, text messages can be tricky'. And they can be, as can communicating to another person verbally without actually saying what you mean.
Author Alpha Female Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Why would a guy show up for a first meeting( not really even a date) totally tricked out....INSECURITY!!! You looked great I bet, if I met a woman the first time and she looked like she was ready to go out for dinner and dancing...I would runnnnnnnnnn Well not only that, but it was 10 in the morning for coffee in a very casual place! He had cologne on, hair gelled, jewelry. Regardless, I am certifiable. I just sent him a text. (hello, PMS!) He responded: wrong number. please delete me. thanks. lol. I think this is my payback for telling him on Saturday night to lose my number. TWICE. Yes, I know I handled all of it badly. I think I did it mainly because I knew deep down that this guy wasn't for me, and I felt like a little drama. lol. During our first phone call, he was so out of control pushy about meeting - telling me he would come jogging with me, telling me he would meet me for 5 minutes at the gas station when I was pumping gas. But, it was all the other stuff about telling me if we were a couple that I couldnt work, and that he would expect me to stay home, not travel and clean the house. I guess I met him out of curiousity, but that's probably also why I didn't put much effort into it. And as I said earlier, I don't return calls when people don't leave a message. I wasnt waiting him out to call again, I was still waiting for him to show up! The worst part is that our lives kinda converge. He is friends with a friend of mine at the gym, and he has a friend visiting who I met a year ago, asked me to dinner, started texting me, then turned it sexual and made it clear that was what he wanted. So, I blew him off. This morning, I was leaving the gym,and there he is! In 8 years of working out there, I have never once seen him in there. His friend linked eyes with me, and then I turned away. I am sure this guy saw me, as we were right across from each other, and if he didn't, I know his visiting friend must of told him I was there and just walked out. I was tempted to say something to him, but after all the bad juju, it didn't seem right. And the bikini pic came a day later after I told him I was going to fix him up with a friend. I don't think he took it as a come on at that point. He had asked me to go out with him on Saturday night, and told me he had a friend for me to meet. Which Im not sure was the truth. He later on texted me: I can't believe you blew my friend off! Now he has to go home with his hand" Like I said, this guy was a total scumbag. I don't know why I even care, and now that HE has the final say, I'm even more pissed off. lol
WTRanger Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I love it, you tell him to lose your number. Yet, you still think it's okay to text him. When he fires back at you telling you to leave him alone, you call him a jerk. How about this..... follow me on this one because this is a very, very complicated task... Next time you tell someone to lose your number, how about you not go and try to contact them? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. You're pissed because he's beaten you at your own game. You told him to lose your number, he complies. Yet you can barely wait a few days before you are trying to get a hold of him again. You've just given him all your cards and you have nothing left. You tried to play a game by acting like you're not pretty enough for him and he agrees! This guy is awesome! I like him....
Author Alpha Female Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 I love it, you tell him to lose your number. Yet, you still think it's okay to text him. When he fires back at you telling you to leave him alone, you call him a jerk. How about this..... follow me on this one because this is a very, very complicated task... Next time you tell someone to lose your number, how about you not go and try to contact them? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. You're pissed because he's beaten you at your own game. You told him to lose your number, he complies. Yet you can barely wait a few days before you are trying to get a hold of him again. You've just given him all your cards and you have nothing left. You tried to play a game by acting like you're not pretty enough for him and he agrees! This guy is awesome! I like him.... Oh my God. Thank you for reminding me how pathetic and tragic some people can be on Loveshack. Are you happy with yourself now? Do you feel like you have released some of your own personal self-loathing and therefore feel a little better about yourself? Does poking fun and taunting someone else's pain make you feel superior?
WTRanger Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you for confirming my point. This isn't the "we have to all agree with everyone" forum. This is a forum for help and for differing viewpoints. I think you acted in a completely psychotic manner. The guy probably was a douche. But your actions clearly didn't help the matter. It's like throwing gas on a fire then complaining that the fire grew bigger. I'm simply offering a different viewpoint and yet, because it's different from yours, I'm automatically some pathetic soul. You're not looking for advice, you are looking for agreement. I can't help you there because I don't agree with how you've handled and are handling this situation.
Author Alpha Female Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you for confirming my point. This isn't the "we have to all agree with everyone" forum. This is a forum for help and for differing viewpoints. I think you acted in a completely psychotic manner. The guy probably was a douche. But your actions clearly didn't help the matter. It's like throwing gas on a fire then complaining that the fire grew bigger. I'm simply offering a different viewpoint and yet, because it's different from yours, I'm automatically some pathetic soul. You're not looking for advice, you are looking for agreement. I can't help you there because I don't agree with how you've handled and are handling this situation. There's a way to give constructive advice that is helpful, and then there's your way. Don't act like you're suddenly so validated because I called you out for being a dick. What you wrote was nasty and you know it. Not only that, it was entirely useless, except to make you look small. Go elsewhere.
BCCA Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 AF...I'm honestly stunned. What on earth are you even doing here? This guy probably thinks you are completely crazy, and for good reason. I dont even know what else to say, but maybe lay off the dating for a while.
carhill Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 So, what did you learn? Maybe focusing on that might help you move on.
era Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Since I convinced myself he wasn't interested, I sent him a text on Friday night, saying that since he didn't want to date me, would he like to meet a friend? Yikes!...you actually said that to him??? That's what started all the back-n-forth BS between you two. Please try not to act so insecure again. Just my 2 cents....
Treasa Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I agree with those who said that you're coming across as insecure and desperate. I also agree that a true alpha doesn't behave like this. Why not embrace this inner strength you claim to have and just shake this dude off? He doesn't sound worth it. And inner strength means having the ability to listen to what others say and roll with it, even if you don't agree, and even if it hurts your feelings, because it might be the truth. Is this guy an ass? I guess, although I don't personally know him. But I think your behavior might have encouraged it. I definitely don't think he's right for you. You probably need someone a little more laid back and relaxed and fun. And this time, just be confident, don't send bikini pics, and don't offer to hook them up with your friends. Just be yourself and relax.
blind_otter Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I love it, you tell him to lose your number. Yet, you still think it's okay to text him. When he fires back at you telling you to leave him alone, you call him a jerk. How about this..... follow me on this one because this is a very, very complicated task... Next time you tell someone to lose your number, how about you not go and try to contact them? Seems a bit hypocritical to me. You're pissed because he's beaten you at your own game. You told him to lose your number, he complies. Yet you can barely wait a few days before you are trying to get a hold of him again. You've just given him all your cards and you have nothing left. I agree with this post completely, it's spot on. I'm sorry you reacted the way you did when you read it, as an attack - I think that tends to happen when people are insecure, too (I'm guilty of it as well, so don't go jumping down my throat, too). But yes, from what you wrote you did sort of freak out from the get go with this guy, but as I read further replies you are beginning the process of rationalizing all your actions, rather than critically analyzing them and trying to alter you behaviors. Unless you start really trying to examine your reactions, you'll be caught in an endless cycle of the same behavior.... It's not bad or weak to admit that you are emotionally insecure in some ways - it can actually help you. In fact, I think it's weak to hide behind a facade and refuse to attend to your emotional insecurity....
OpenBook Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 And he did tell me that once we were together, we would need to "work on" me traveling for work, and also to get me to clean my own home, rather than use a service. This alone would have sent me running for the hills. What a goober. Who the hell does he think he is???!?
Mycroft Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Don't feel too crazy, basically every relationship I've looked back on slowly becomes more clear, I often remember a lot of my own crazy behavior that I didn't notice before. We just cant think straight sometimes. As usual, Carhill's advice is the best, focus on what you can learn from this. I sure learned a lot from my last R and feel a lot better off now.
You'reasian Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 He was pretty hot, and I freaked out. I had a huge wave of insecurity, and went nuts. We hung out for two hours, then he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye, and told me to call him when I have some free time. I took this as a blow off. So, I went nuts. Since I convinced myself he wasn't interested, I sent him a text on Friday night, saying that since he didn't want to date me, would he like to meet a friend? I thought he'd come back and say he did want to date me. Instead, he shot back with a yes. He then called me twice, and I didn't answer the phone. He texted me why I wasn't, and I said I had company. The next day, we started up texting again. This time I went even more crazy, and texted him a pic of me in a bikini (it wasn't that odd, as we had joked about just this). Iwrote something about how it was great we could be friends, even if we didn't turn each other on in person He joked that it was a wow, even if I looked fat (again, a personal joke, I am not fat). But, I went with it, and faked being hurt. So, he asked again about meeting my friend. I told him she said if he found me fat and unattractive, then he wouldn't like her. He said he didn't find me unattractive, but that he was picky, and I wasn't for him. Ow. We went back and forth some more, and then we decided to be friends again. He asked me to go out that night, as he was going to meet friends at a hip bar, and had a friend he wanted me to meet. I said yes, and he said he would come pick me up. He was supposed to get me at 9:45. I walked out at 9:50, and saw he called. No message, no text. So I waited. And waited. Finally about 10:20, I texted him. He said he tried to call me to get directions, but I wouldn't answer the phone, and he was already at the bar! I was flipping mad that he blew me off. By the way, he had my business card, which has my home address on it. I figured he'd GPS me. We went back and forth, and finally I told him to lose my number. It was nasty. And now I can't stop thinking about him and would love a second chance. Which is crazy, because he's an idiot. I told him some personal things on our date which he joked about - things you don't joke about, and hes very old-fashioned and believes in barefoot and pregnant, which is definitely not me. Thing is, I think I blew it. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't have engaged with me as much as he did. He wouldn't have bothered. I think he probably was into me, but my insecurities blew it. I think he thinks I blew him off on Saturday night when I didn't answer the phone, which isn't true at all. I thought he blew me off! I know he's wrong for me, but I'm not moving on! Help! Looks like your games and insecurities got the best of you
stefspets Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Stef - yes, I was insecure. Not sure if it came off that way to him. I think he took it as rejection from me. I mean, why else offer to set up a friend with someone new? And I didn't answer his call because I honestly did hear it. I was trying to get ready. When I saw he called later on, I had no idea why he called and I don't return calls of people who don't leave messages. I wouldn't offer to setup a guy I went out with with a friend if I was rejecting him--then I might have to see him again. It sounded insecure and I bet he took it that way. I agree with BCCA--you had plans, message or not, you should have returned the call when you saw you missed it. You had a general idea of what the call was about. If you want to get over him, keep busy. I would suggest reading books. Maybe some about dating and relationships.
LovieDove24 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 All I can say about this post is that it should be titled "How to Push a Guy Away in One Date or Less." Can someone say, INSECURE GAME PLAYING?!
Recommended Posts