Author Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I know my decision is un-defendable. I know I would feel exactly the same way a lot of you do if it were one of you posting what I am posting. I know I will likely get hurt. I have gotten hurt in the past and I know I can bounce back. Sunshinegirl, I was wondering - did your ex seek counselling when his marriage ended?
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Sunshinegirl, I was wondering - did your ex seek counselling when his marriage ended? No. Apparently they tried counseling at the end stages of their marraige, but it was too late for it, and then my ex thought himself to be handling everything just fine. I encouraged him to see a counselor the first time we broke up, to which he said "you know how hard it is for me to ask for help." He only sought counseling when he cheated on me and dumped me... the day it all went down, he called the marriage counselor he had seen with his ex-wife. I think he went to a few sessions (maybe), but in our last conversation he said he didn't think he was a fundamentally screwed up person and didn't really need much therapy except to figure out why he had treated me the way he did.
Author Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I encouraged him to see a counselor the first time we broke up, to which he said "you know how hard it is for me to ask for help." How lame! He only sought counseling when he cheated on me and dumped me... the day it all went down, he called the marriage counselor he had seen with his ex-wife. I think he went to a few sessions (maybe), but in our last conversation he said he didn't think he was a fundamentally screwed up person and didn't really need much therapy except to figure out why he had treated me the way he did. Nobody likes to feel like they're fundamentally screwed up. Did you feel he was screwed up throughout the relationship, or is it how you feel with hindsight? (Sorry to ask so many questions - the similarities between your ex-r and my current one are prompting this... )
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 How lame! Nobody likes to feel like they're fundamentally screwed up. Did you feel he was screwed up throughout the relationship, or is it how you feel with hindsight? (Sorry to ask so many questions - the similarities between your ex-r and my current one are prompting this... ) He is quite introverted, a poor communicator, can't express his feelings, doesn't feel empathy for others (and admits to it), and basically doesn't like people. Friends and family have taken to calling him "hollow man" and reminding me that he probably can't love, period. I knew all of these qualities from the start, but somehow I was telling myself a story that they weren't problems, that I could live with it, that he was quite a lot like my dad (!) and therefore it was okay (or even comfortable in a weird way) being with someone so disconnected, and even that there were surely strong feelings buried in there somewhere, so that with time and healing from his broken marriage, things would change and he would open up more. I saw his demeanor as just "funny quirks", and I definitely believed that what we shared was fundamentally different than his relationship with his ex-wife. As such, I somehow felt sure he would never treat me the way he treated her. I can't say I saw much of this as it was happening. I was more and more emotionally involved as time went on and I was focusing on the good things, not the (huge) things that were missing. I was an optimist, and I painted over the flags with whitewash, even though at a deep level, I had misgivings and my gut was telling me something was wrong.
Author Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Yeah - I know I also tend to put on rosy-tinted glasses in the infatuation stage of a relationship - with harsh consequences to deal with. Remember my heartbreak last year? All I can say is that we keep reminding each other that right now we are infatuated, and that we will leave the major decision making about 'where' this relationship is heading to when we know each other better. Also, BF has demonstrated in multiple ways, to me and to others, that he is capable of empathy. If anything, empathy is his middle name, and have a list of people who would testify to this. In this, your ex and him sound quite different. I agree that I need to tread carefully, and that he has a long road of healing ahead of him, so thank you for your caring words Sunshine.
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