Kamille Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Just an update for those who followed the "rebound" story: met a guy I really liked, we both felt we weren't ready for a serious relationship but wanted to spend time together anyhow. Then his ex asked him if they could work on their relationship for the kid's sake and I decided that was too complicated for me and walked. Well, last week Mr. dropped by my office and invited me out to dinner. We talked. He has decided his relationship is over and wants to date me exclusively. Proof that doing the right thing and standing up for yourself does pay off. Now, there's only the little matter of me moving across the ocean to deal with.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Yup, set your boundaries and stick to them, from beginning to end. I'm happy for you Kamille. Just watch out for rubberbanding. You'll know it when it happens, beginning with a little withdrawal, etc. Good luck!
Author Kamille Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Yup, set your boundaries and stick to them, from beginning to end. I'm happy for you Kamille. Just watch out for rubberbanding. You'll know it when it happens, beginning with a little withdrawal, etc. Good luck! We're dating each other exclusively, not commited yet . We're both very well aware that we're definitely going through an infatuation phase - which we're willing to enjoy without putting the cart before the horse. I'm finding it easy to take things as they come with this guy. And finding it easier and easier to assert myself and my own boundaries. the rewards are definitely worth it.
Author Kamille Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Ooh wait! TBF, since you know I tend to be a bit of a commitmentphobe, did you mean me rubber-banding or him rubber-banding? Either way, i'm setting my priority on keeping my balance. Making an extra effort to keep a busy social life.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 You had it right the first time. I'm talking about him, since he's fresh out of a relationship. As for you, in the last thread, you mentioned you've dealt with it, so I took it verbatim.
Isolde Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 I'm really happy about this! Even if it doesn't work out, you're having a great time, with someone who really likes and appreciates you, with killer chemistry, and a healthy communicative dynamic.
Author Kamille Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 I'm really happy about this! Even if it doesn't work out, you're having a great time, with someone who really likes and appreciates you, with killer chemistry, and a healthy communicative dynamic. Thanks Isolde, but, gah, things got complicated again. To sum up: he isn't ready (because of the kids and the separation), but he loves me, and sees a future with me. All I know is that I'm not ready to walk. Walking doesn't feel right. Believe me, I have tried. I feel like I have something to live with this man - and yes, it will very likely end in heartbreak. So I'm working really hard on staying grounded and balanced, while not worrying about things too much. the upside to this? That means he's ultra attentive, romantic and caring, because he wants me to keep giving him a chance. the downside? Yes, TBF is right, that's a pattern of mine. Uber-romance is how I operate for some reason. It might explain why I keep landing myself into trouble.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 K, you walked once, and he came running back to you. If things don't work out, you can always walk again. Never doubt yourself. With that in mind, I'm happy for you. Here's a bunny
sunshinegirl Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Hi Kamille, I just saw this thread! I have to say things started with my ex in a similar way... his ex, their kid, the "giving it one last shot for the kid," the "no, it's definitely over and I want YOU" ...all culminating in major heartbreak last year. Please tread very, very carefully.
Author Kamille Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Please tread very, very carefully. ((sunshinegirl)) Thanks for posting. How would you suggest I thread carefully? Any specific steps you would recommand? Things I should be on the look-out for? We've both agreed that I would focus on my life right now, and keep some distance as he sorts things on his end. We're focused on building a strong friendship. We have a lot in common. This is what makes me feel that I have something to live with this man. He's very caring and very receptive to any suggestion of mine, and he has shown that my well-being is important to him. He's also very open emotionally, and very honest. And plus, there is still the fact that I will most likely be moving in a few months...
Author Kamille Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 K, how often are you guys seeing each other? About twice a week. We talk every day.
Author Kamille Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 And it's only just started being exclusive? We had the exclusivity talk 9 days ago. But have been at this level of contact, with a one week hiatus when I walked away, for the last 4-5 weeks.
paddington bear Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks Isolde, but, gah, things got complicated again. To sum up: he isn't ready (because of the kids and the separation), but he loves me, and sees a future with me. All I know is that I'm not ready to walk. Walking doesn't feel right. Believe me, I have tried. I feel like I have something to live with this man - and yes, it will very likely end in heartbreak. So I'm working really hard on staying grounded and balanced, while not worrying about things too much. the upside to this? That means he's ultra attentive, romantic and caring, because he wants me to keep giving him a chance. the downside? Yes, TBF is right, that's a pattern of mine. Uber-romance is how I operate for some reason. It might explain why I keep landing myself into trouble. Well...I too would say tread carefully. Basically by standing your ground in the first place Then his ex asked him if they could work on their relationship for the kid's sake and I decided that was too complicated for me and walked...He has decided his relationship is over and wants to date me exclusively. You showed him through actions how you wanted to be treated, and really, well done there for walking away (I have been the hang on in there and hope type and have only got really hurt). However...now things got complicated again. To sum up: he isn't ready (because of the kids and the separation), but he loves me, and sees a future with me. You walked away the first time because you reckoned things got complicated. He came back to you. But now they are complicated again, but this time instead of walking away, you're hanging on in there, so essentially it was pointless walking away in the first time as you've ended up right in the position you didn't want to be in in the first place. If you see a future with this man, I guess all I can say is to put a time limit on how long (or if) you're prepared to wait for him to be ready. I can totally understand someone in his circumstances not feeling ready to get into the deep end again. But, the way things stand now, as I understand it, is that you are feeling romantic feelings for him, he is treating you romantically, while still having one foot out of the door...it's the one foot out the door that bothers me. If he's not ready for a relationship, he shouldn't be in any kind of a relationship with any woman, treating you romantically, while saying he's unsure is kind of confusing. I don't want to rain on your parade, just saying guard your heart.
Trialbyfire Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 You've got a project in the making, Kamille. Add me into the "guard your heart" contingent.
Art_Critic Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 Now, there's only the little matter of me moving across the ocean to deal with. First off Kamille.. Good for you but be very careful as he is going to be a mess emotionally for a while and this will cause a roller coaster for you.. The other thing is can you explain the quoted part ?.. if you already see a chock in the wheel of love then why not figure that out first..
xpaperxcutx Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 After reading Paddings post, I have also to take sides on the fact that you need to be careful. You're very likely to end up falling for him and he'll still retain his stance on " I don't think I'm all that ready for a relationship after all".
Star Gazer Posted May 25, 2009 Posted May 25, 2009 I'm happy that you're happy... but I think you're settling, Kamille. Granted, you're settling for crazy butterflies, but settling nonetheless. Budding real love doesn't start out complicated. If anything, it presents itself all too easily. Please, guard your heart. But enjoy yourself in the process!
Author Kamille Posted May 25, 2009 Author Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words - and your trust in my judgement. I can tell you that it feels really great to be able to share what's going on in my life, even though it's not 100% risk-free. Art, I will be moving in the next year, likely to Europe, but now maybe to another city (6hours away). Basically, i'm looking for a job and some good opportunities are coming up, so far nothing in this city here. And yes, I am enjoying myself, quite a lot. I promise myself that if worries take over enjoyment, I will walk away. Hoe does that sound? ps: worried I'll find myself falling for him? Got news folks, I'm completely smitten . Why else would I still be here?
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 ((sunshinegirl)) Thanks for posting. How would you suggest I thread carefully? Any specific steps you would recommand? Things I should be on the look-out for? My straight-up, no holds barred advice is to forget about a romantic relationship for now. If I understood correctly, he is separated (but not divorced?) from his ex. Right? That was the same thing with my ex, and I have to say the worst mistake I made was folding like a cheap card table when he came back to me 6 weeks after our breakup, wanting to get back together because he was now fully resolved that his marriage was over. I had missed him. I was smitten. I was sure we were different, smarter, more mature, and had something more special than those other poor souls in similar circumstances who don't beat the odds. So I didn't insist that he get a legal divorce before we got back together. I didn't make him earn my trust back. I gave lip service to the importance of him communicating with me, but I didn't walk away when he fell into his old patterns of not updating me on his divorce proceedings. Let's say my optimism trumped the reality, which was that I was basically a nice distraction for my ex, a fun and happy way to not think about his imploded marriage and his child moving 500 miles away. We had adventure, companionship, great sex (best sex of his life, he said), and a togetherness that felt comfortable, right, easy. But all of that masked the biggest problem of all, which is that he had never fully grieved or processed the end of his marriage. Which meant that he never acknowledged his own role in its demise and had learned nothing about how to be a better partner to someone else. I didn't know it at the time, but I was practically doomed to be a transitional person for him because he was in no way emotionally available to me. He also didn't know what he wanted in life and he hadn't formed any longer term dreams for himself - not good when I was bursting with dreams and hopes and ideas that I hoped he would share (but in the end, he didn't). So there you go. My caution can be summed up thusly: really, truly, do not get involved romantically with this guy until he is finished, and I mean really finished both legally and emotionally, with his previous relationship. Don't let yourself become a transition person. Be very very clear about what you want out of this -- or any -- relationship, and DO NOT SETTLE for less, even if the butterflies are delicious.
paddington bear Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 yeah...my mum fell for my dad, separated, but not divorced. She was not the distant woman in his life that she was supposed to be and ended up coming between them, there was the issue of their child as well, which kept them in constant contact. Eventually, he wasn't ready, or didn't want another commitment and well, that was the last I ever heard of him. Anyway, reading your latest posts, there is no point telling of the possible misery ahead!!! You're totally smitten and it's too late to be rational . Go to Europe, go have fun, be romantic, but please, please, please, if any warning bells start to ring while you're with this man, please pay attention to them before you get swept too far along emotionally. These kind of situations can work out, and I hope it does for you.
Author Kamille Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Yes Paddington, I am smitten and there is still a lot of unknowns, and a lot we don't know about each other. I know there's a good chance my heart will get broken. At the same time, I believe I am learning something about myself from this. It's hard to put into words, but it is definitely linked to my commitment-phobia. I know some would say that this type of relationships only enables my distancing-tendencies, but really, the fact that I have to force myself to keep a distance is teaching me a lot about myself. So, all comes to worst, I'll always have that. My straight-up, no holds barred advice is to forget about a romantic relationship for now. If I understood correctly, he is separated (but not divorced?) from his ex. Right? Right. They've been separated for a year, seeking counselling to see if that is really what they want to do. That was the same thing with my ex, and I have to say the worst mistake I made was folding like a cheap card table when he came back to me 6 weeks after our breakup, wanting to get back together because he was now fully resolved that his marriage was over. I had missed him. I was smitten. I was sure we were different, smarter, more mature, and had something more special than those other poor souls in similar circumstances who don't beat the odds. So I didn't insist that he get a legal divorce before we got back together. I didn't make him earn my trust back. I gave lip service to the importance of him communicating with me, but I didn't walk away when he fell into his old patterns of not updating me on his divorce proceedings. I don't really have misgivings about the odds of this working out for the long run. And for some reason, that doesn't scare me. What we have is enjoyable for what it is now - and we promised each other that we would support each other through the challenges ahead. Let's say my optimism trumped the reality, which was that I was basically a nice distraction for my ex, a fun and happy way to not think about his imploded marriage and his child moving 500 miles away. We had adventure, companionship, great sex (best sex of his life, he said), and a togetherness that felt comfortable, right, easy. That describes us exactly. But all of that masked the biggest problem of all, which is that he had never fully grieved or processed the end of his marriage. Which meant that he never acknowledged his own role in its demise and had learned nothing about how to be a better partner to someone else. Had he and his ex gone to counselling? That's the one thing that amazes me about bf: he really has insight on why his responsibility for the failed marriage. It doesn't mean he is in any way done grieving a failed marriage, but it does make it easier for him to open up about it. I didn't know it at the time, but I was practically doomed to be a transitional person for him because he was in no way emotionally available to me. He also didn't know what he wanted in life and he hadn't formed any longer term dreams for himself - not good when I was bursting with dreams and hopes and ideas that I hoped he would share (but in the end, he didn't). I think this is where your ex differs from bf: he is emotionally available, at least so far. He knows what he wants in life and does have long term dreams and goals - on top of an already established successful career. I might be a transition person. I do see it in a lot of ways: in the little things he appreciates, as though they are outstanding, like me showing him affection or asking him questions about his day. But you know what, right now, and so far, I enjoy being that person. I think he should feel great about himself. I think it's ridiculous he doesn't know what a great guy he is, or that he doesn't realize that women swoon over him. (We run into a lot of people he knows, and every once in awhile you will have women who basically cannot contain themselves around him.) All I can say is that we discuss this and I have no qualms about pointing out how giddy women are around him. He knows I want him to be with me because of who I am, not because I offer the basis of what any partner would offer in a relationship. So there you go. My caution can be summed up thusly: really, truly, do not get involved romantically with this guy until he is finished, and I mean really finished both legally and emotionally, with his previous relationship. Don't let yourself become a transition person. Alas, we are romantically involved. So I will swallow the pill, and take responsibility for the consequences. We haven't really made a commitment yet... We're taking things slow, as we sort things out, and making sure each of us is okay in the process. That slowness is exactly what I have craved while entering in past relationships. Be very very clear about what you want out of this -- or any -- relationship, and DO NOT SETTLE for less, even if the butterflies are delicious I check in with myself every so often to make sure I know what I want out of this, and no, I will not settle for anything less. Right now, I do feel like I am getting what I want. It is enjoyable for what it is, and, strangely uncomplicated.
sunshinegirl Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Yes Paddington, I am smitten and there is still a lot of unknowns, and a lot we don't know about each other. I know there's a good chance my heart will get broken. At the same time, I believe I am learning something about myself from this. It's hard to put into words, but it is definitely linked to my commitment-phobia. I know some would say that this type of relationships only enables my distancing-tendencies, but really, the fact that I have to force myself to keep a distance is teaching me a lot about myself. So, all comes to worst, I'll always have that. Right. They've been separated for a year, seeking counselling to see if that is really what they want to do. I don't really have misgivings about the odds of this working out for the long run. And for some reason, that doesn't scare me. What we have is enjoyable for what it is now - and we promised each other that we would support each other through the challenges ahead. That describes us exactly. Had he and his ex gone to counselling? That's the one thing that amazes me about bf: he really has insight on why his responsibility for the failed marriage. It doesn't mean he is in any way done grieving a failed marriage, but it does make it easier for him to open up about it. I think this is where your ex differs from bf: he is emotionally available, at least so far. He knows what he wants in life and does have long term dreams and goals - on top of an already established successful career. I might be a transition person. I do see it in a lot of ways: in the little things he appreciates, as though they are outstanding, like me showing him affection or asking him questions about his day. But you know what, right now, and so far, I enjoy being that person. I think he should feel great about himself. I think it's ridiculous he doesn't know what a great guy he is, or that he doesn't realize that women swoon over him. (We run into a lot of people he knows, and every once in awhile you will have women who basically cannot contain themselves around him.) All I can say is that we discuss this and I have no qualms about pointing out how giddy women are around him. He knows I want him to be with me because of who I am, not because I offer the basis of what any partner would offer in a relationship. Alas, we are romantically involved. So I will swallow the pill, and take responsibility for the consequences. We haven't really made a commitment yet... We're taking things slow, as we sort things out, and making sure each of us is okay in the process. That slowness is exactly what I have craved while entering in past relationships. I check in with myself every so often to make sure I know what I want out of this, and no, I will not settle for anything less. Right now, I do feel like I am getting what I want. It is enjoyable for what it is, and, strangely uncomplicated. [facepalms] Okay, good luck with everything. I say this with kindness, but I say it nonetheless: please don't be surprised when things go south. And don't be surprised when it hurts a helluva lot more than you thought it would. Our hearts have a way of bypassing our brains in matters like this. (I told myself similar things at first, that this was fun for now and I wasn't in love with him and we were just having fun...)
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