Mother-In-Law taking advantage

[helovesme]

My husband and I split up last May through October and got back together. Long story short, during the time that I was not living in my house, he let his mother move in. (background on MIL - needy, opinionated, manipulative, intrusive, no life of her own, no savings, no plan, ride on your coattails kind of a person). Now that that's summed up, the situation was as follows: She moved in "temporarily" and would only be there a short time until my husband got back on his feet emotionally etc. When we got back together, he told me that she was not going to be a problem and would be moving out. I gave up my apartment and moved back home on November 1, 2008. It is now May 20, 2009, and she is still in our house. He told her she had to be out by May 1, as she has been driving us both insane. She is a very annoying, in-your-face kind of person. She doesn't and never had a husband, and my husband is an only child...ugh Every apartment she goes to, there is another reason why it is not good. I have told my husband that I cannot live like this anymore. I hear the key turn in the door knowing it's her, and I cringe. I just feel like crying, and I do not know what to do anymore. I told him that my sister said I could go stay with her for a while - he says "I'm coming too." Can you imagine?

 

I have been printing apartment ads off craigslist every single day. I do not know what to do anymore, and I really can't take it. We still have problems unresolved from our split, and add her on top of it - it just doesn't seem worth it. She is taking advantage. She doesn't clean up after herself - the room she is in, I would like to make my daughter's room, and it's upside down. She needs to GET OUT!!! I'M READY TO THROW HER AND HER **** OUT THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Any suggestions?????????????

[Ronni_W]

Just one suggestion: Throw her ass out the door!!!

Seriously, that's what has to happen if you want to give your marriage a real chance for long-term survival...and/or if you want to maintain your own sanity and peace of mind.

 

Tell her that you're going to start packing up her stuff, and then just start doing it. Make it UNcomfortable for her to stay. Tell her you don't care if she can't find her *ideal* apartment...she will have to make do, just like the bloody rest of us when Life doesn't serve "ideal" on a golden platter.

 

She's still there cos both of you are being pansy-assed about her moving out..."enabling" her...allowing it to happen...however you wanna look at it, it's cos you guys aren't doing what YOU need to do, yes?

 

Throw mama's ass out the door!!!

Seriously. It's your responsibility and obligation to your SELF and to each other.

[helovesme]

Believe me there is nothing more I would rather do than throw her ass to the curb. I try to respect the fact that this is his mother, but this is ridiculous now. I try to be nice to her, but every bit of me is at the point of loathing her....

[GorillaTheater]

My MIL lived with us for about four years. You have my deepest sympathies. The fact that she was manic-depressive only added to the joy. Count yourself lucky in this: apparently your husband came around alot quicker than my wife did.

[Ronni_W]

I try to respect the fact that this is his mother,

The thing is that she is losing (or has already lost?) HIS respect, too! If she actually WANTS respect, I'm not seeing what SHE is doing to generate it and attract it into her own life.

 

To me, I'd try to LOVE her because she is his mom but my respect...she'd be on the hook for having to earn that from me!

 

In any case -- I do wish you and your husband the best, and a long, happy marriage

[helovesme]

She doesn't even demand respect. How can she when she takes advantage of her son and his family? But like you said, she hasn't done anything in her life to generate her own self respect. Hard to expect other people to respect you when you don't respect yourself. She never had any ambition in life. No goals. Always wanted a free ride and never did anything to make herself successful in any way. She has always been a taker and not an achiever. I can't even say she is a clean person because that's not the case either. I don't think she has washed the sheets on her bed since I have been living in the house. Let's count back. November 2008 through now May 2009. F'g gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My husband told me last night that he told her that if she isn't gone by June 15, that I am moving out. Like she gives a crap.... ugh

[Willow9]

Don't tell me!!!

 

I guess even about your situation hold strong and keep your position don't let them run over you. Is important that you and your husband stay close to each other in this situation and agree on the same things.

 

Soon after our marriage my MIL started asking us money, to fix her business problems, most of the time leaving us completely broken.

 

After 2 years of giving money, we were living very far from his family so we were quite worried as well, we managed to save a bit and with my father's help we opened a small business and we are struggling to pay the bill's , but is picking up and I'm positive we are going to be fine, but....

 

is father decided to move in with us without even asking if it was fine for us, not to say that we cannot afford to support another person. he is in good health but his business is not going well and he ran out of money.

 

My MIL and her 2 sisters keep asking us money and now we refuse of course, none of them work cause they are too lazy to find solutions for they life.

There are many think I would like to do like finishing my study and grow professionally, our life is in stand by cause of them. Am I so selfish?

 

After 3 years they are still messed up worse than before, they just make bad decision about money and show no responsibility especially cause it's not their money.

 

They kept asking money and using our bike every day. Even if we work sometimes we have to go somewhere and I have to ask someone else's bike or wait all day.

 

My husband had an 8 years old daughter from a girl that just decided to disappear when the baby was 4 months. My MIL took care of her for many years cause my husband worked far away in order to support her.

Now she lives with us since we moved in the same town.

 

When we tried to express our disappointement or better ask what his intentions are (my father in law) he just left with the child and went to live with MIL and her family.

 

They think I am bad cause I don't want to help them anymore and they are turning my stepdaughter against us I now.

 

I think they don't like the way we are trying to educate her as well, which consist in nothing more than teach her some good manner, clean her room sometimes, give a little help at home and send her to bed at 8 on school days. Are we monsters?

 

They don't want to give her back to her father now and even want to call the police if we try to get her back. My MIL hit my husband as well cause she went to get her at school but when she did'nt find her she tought we were hiding her at home.

All this happened in the last 2 days since his father left our house.

She said to him that he is a bad son cause he dared to tell her how we feel and cause wanted to talk about what's going on with is father.

And of course my husband is very mad.

 

I only regret I didn't kick him out before, since he tried to be the good one in front of my stepdaughter ignoring our will.

 

I would appreciate any opinion, I think all this is crazy and unacceptable.

 

Good luck and let us know how is going on!

[helovesme]

Well, as an update to our situation, my MIL moved out two sundays ago, and it has been bliss. I'm so happy now that she is out of my home. I'm going to redo the room she occupied, and make my daughter the best princess room ever.

 

As far as your situation, Willow 9, I feel so bad for you. Makes my situation a cake walk. I do not think you are monsters, and you have every right to take back control of your lives as a whole. If you let them continue to take advantage, then you are enabling the behavior (as someone told me on this forum). You can be firm yet sympathetic to their situation. You can't support everyone, and it seems as though that side of the family feels if you helped one, you can support them all. Unfortunately, you and your husband are not made of money.

 

Continue to do what you can to keep your family together. Everyone else really needs to make some good decisions, and take the steps to fix their lives. You cannot help everyone. That is just unrealistic.

 

Be strong and best wishes!!!!

[Willow9]

I'm so glad to hear that finally you got what you wanted!!!

 

Me too I'm happy that his father went out, and for sure their family got the message, if they don't we'll make sure they will.

Enough is enough.

 

Now we want to concentrate on my stepdaughter an bring her up in the best possible way.

 

I think is very important to talk to many people and those of the family who understand us and to seek support cause is very easy to fall into the trap of feeling guilty and to think that we are bad when in fact we have every right to live our life and nothing is due. other people can give us advice and make us see clearer.

Another thing is when the parents are old and cannot work but this is not the case.

 

In the end in a modern world the major responsibility that a married person has is towards his/her spouse and kids not the parents.

[2nd-Best]

I can only give advice because I believe that I could win in the battle of the Manipulative mother in laws.. so I'm just going to say this.. Something DOES need to happen, she does need to move out if you and your husband are going to make things work BUT you cannot be the one to throw her out, your husband will end up resenting you for it later on and his mom probably wont stop nagging at him about it and will forever hate you, you must tell him that he is a grown man and she is a grown woman and he needs to tell his mother that she must leave because you need to repair your marriage, especially since he is the one who let her move in.. it is up to him.

It is his mother, its his responsibility.. there is NOTHING worse then being with a man who won't stand up to his mother for the sake of his own family... Believe me I know!!

[Willow9]

You are absolutely right!

Since is his part of the family that is causing problems, he has to show you that he can be a man.

But... regarding the fact that he is going to resent you if you speak up, if he is a grown up man it shouldn't be the case cause that is YOUR house too i.e YOUR area and YOUR space and you have every right to protect it no matter what or who, everything with the appropriate manner of course.