hartbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I am having a particularly bad NC day (and know this is just the beginning for me sadly enough) I sit here thinking about my MM, missing him just talking to me making me laugh...I got so close to breaking NC a little while ago but I didnt do it...I was ok yesterday, I dont know what happened since then...I feel like I am dying inside without talking to him...This is all so messed up I wish this did not hurt so bad...
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 (((hugs))) We're here for you! You can expect some rollercoastering. You're in withdrawal. Is there anything special that triggered you?
Author hartbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 (((hugs))) We're here for you! You can expect some rollercoastering. You're in withdrawal. Is there anything special that triggered you? Thanks Wildsoul..I dont know I went to IC this morning and she wanted to discuss this particular issue for some reason..I just started going so she is trying to get all the various problems in my life I guess so she knows what she is dealing with. SO I told her the story as much as time would allow anyway..I guess bc I have had to relive the past today ALL of it..the painful constant years long rejection and also tho the good things too...things that I will miss about him like no matter how sad I was he could always say something to put a smile on my face. I have many friends yes, but nobody could ever light up my day just like he could. I cannot explain this any better I guess...I miss that as I have so many other issues to deal with on top of this (including a real bad marriage I am trying to just end) He I guess was a bright spot in my otherwise dark days...
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 That makes sense. You got all that pain stirred up, yet it's all mixed up with good parts too. I get it. One thing that has helped me when I was in the worst of it was to remember this: You can't have JUST the good parts. It doesn't work that way. And sadly, you have to accept that the bad parts outweigh the good. A little bit of poison will still kill you, even if it's laced in the most delicious thing you ever ate. Be strong enough to let go. Exhale. Surrender the whole of it. The good and the bad. Surrender is an interesting thing, for when you really do it, you move beyond emptiness and loss and into a fullness. Be brave. Let go. PS: Or if "letting go" fails, just neurotically read and respond to posts here. Works for me!
Author hartbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 trying...tomorrow is another day..*sigh*
lonelypiscesguy Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I feel for you! It has been 2 months, were talking 'til last Wednesday, but I had to go and blow it again! Stupid youtube username while sending her a romantic video! Dammit! Now she wants no contact and does not want to be with me anymore. Been fighting back tears for 3 days now...I hate this...but I will be in love again and I will do it right the next time.
Author hartbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 I feel for you! It has been 2 months, were talking 'til last Wednesday, but I had to go and blow it again! Stupid youtube username while sending her a romantic video! Dammit! Now she wants no contact and does not want to be with me anymore. Been fighting back tears for 3 days now...I hate this...but I will be in love again and I will do it right the next time. I feel for you too believe me...Wanting someone who you want to be with and cannot for whatever reason is the WORST...I have never felt like this in my entire life I have to say...Considering I am the one here who had to end this it makes it that much worse bc he practically begged me to stay in his life but I cannot bc it hurts me too bad. Yesterday i got thru the day by feeling angry about things..Today I am VERY sad and almost near tears..I dont know how to just get off this roller coaster then to just be out of his life..I just wish I could push a fast forward button or something and have this over with already
BrotherD Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 One thing that has helped me when I was in the worst of it was to remember this: You can't have JUST the good parts. It doesn't work that way. And sadly, you have to accept that the bad parts outweigh the good. A little bit of poison will still kill you, even if it's laced in the most delicious thing you ever ate. Well said! thanks for your insight.
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 One thing that has helped me when I was in the worst of it was to remember this: You can't have JUST the good parts. It doesn't work that way. And sadly, you have to accept that the bad parts outweigh the good. A little bit of poison will still kill you, even if it's laced in the most delicious thing you ever ate. Well said! thanks for your insight. You're welcome, BrotherD.
Author hartbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 I made it through the day and feel like its a small victory...Then there is always tomorrow but I am promising myself to keep busy...and keep my NC pledge...Things can only get better or so I keep telling myself!!
bentnotbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Small victories eventually win the war. Keep fighting.
Soaked Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 @hartborken, I'm sorry you had a bad day! *hugs* I hope tomorrow will definitely be a good day for you! I have been on NC for almost 5 months now, I still have ups and downs. And today is one of my down day as well, but I went out enjoy a little bit of sunshine and try not to let it gets me too too much. :p @wildsoul, I really like to read what you posts. A lot of time I only read not post and every time when I read your post, somehow your words give me strength! And one question, how do you surrender to this? There still sometimes I couldn't stop thinking how wrong he treated me, how many things he told me were all lies and start to wonder what is in me that's so wrong and why he didn't choose me? I know I shouldn't think this way, but... my mind just wonder off...
Author hartbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 @hartborken, I'm sorry you had a bad day! *hugs* I hope tomorrow will definitely be a good day for you! I have been on NC for almost 5 months now, I still have ups and downs. And today is one of my down day as well, but I went out enjoy a little bit of sunshine and try not to let it gets me too too much. :p @wildsoul, I really like to read what you posts. A lot of time I only read not post and every time when I read your post, somehow your words give me strength! And one question, how do you surrender to this? There still sometimes I couldn't stop thinking how wrong he treated me, how many things he told me were all lies and start to wonder what is in me that's so wrong and why he didn't choose me? I know I shouldn't think this way, but... my mind just wonder off... Soaked..thanks {HUGS} I agree I like reading wildsouls posts they make me feel better somehow...I do know how you feel..I know all about my MM;s ex W and current W and I know that neither could hold a candle to the person I know I am yet he has made me feel rejected in so many ways that it made me, a strong person feel very worthless..Its not a place I am happy to be right now..I hope I can make it to 5 months..congrats bc you are way ahead of me!
wildsoul Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 hartbroken & soaked Thanks. I'm posting as much as I do because I'm wanting to give back. I got so much value from the support of those who held my hand here. Most people don't understand these dynamics and it's so helpful to have someone who's ahead on the path holding the flashlight. I encourage both of you to spend time responding to other people's posts, too. You'll learn so much that way. How to surrender. I don't know how to encapsulate something that took many life experiences to get for myself. Yet the act of surrender itself is so simple and can be done instantly, without having to learn anything. My way is more of a spiritual framework. I'm not religious, but I do use the concept of a higher power (that I call God, but it matters not what you call it.) God is never so close as when you're on your knees suffering. I'll share one visualization I use when I'm really stuck... I imagine handing xMM & our relationship over to god, as if handing a parent a broken toy to be fixed. I've loved it and played with it. I meant the best for him, me, his wife--everyone. Careful as I was, I still managed to break it. I broke my heart, too. I hand all of these things to God. It's humbling to admit I screwed up in some way that I don't entirely understand, yet I admit that it's beyond repairs I know how to do. I surrender it. Give it back to God, as it were. I hand over my hopes, my pain, my love. God do what you will with these broken things. I don't expect God to fix it and return it to me. I just let go. Like a child surrenduring a much beloved toy, I sometimes cry. But still I let go. And when I do, I am comforted. I don't have to know the answers. I just let go. Sometimes I light candles. Othertimes I write letters that will never be sent. I commit to one day at a time. That's what I do.
Soaked Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you wildsoul, for your answer, I really appreciated. And it's very touching. I think my problem is obsess with finding an answer.. and driving myself crazy sometimes. hartbroken, you can do it!!!! I broke up with my xMM almost an year ago, started the NC last July, and then when he contact me last Dec. I caved in. So now it's 5 moths this round. Like everyone said here, be strong, for sure your MM will probably come back sometimes, but don't cave in, because everything I went thought it started all over again. It's really not worth it to put yourself into the same pain twice. I hope everyone will have a good day today. and thank you so much wildsoul..
Author hartbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you wildsoul, for your answer, I really appreciated. And it's very touching. I think my problem is obsess with finding an answer.. and driving myself crazy sometimes. hartbroken, you can do it!!!! I broke up with my xMM almost an year ago, started the NC last July, and then when he contact me last Dec. I caved in. So now it's 5 moths this round. Like everyone said here, be strong, for sure your MM will probably come back sometimes, but don't cave in, because everything I went thought it started all over again. It's really not worth it to put yourself into the same pain twice. I hope everyone will have a good day today. and thank you so much wildsoul.. I am having a better day today....I am obsessing less over this and finding things to keep occupied so my thoughts dont wander off..I know he is not good for me I just have to keep telling myself this...I re-read some of the nasty things he said to me last week (after he sent me 3 emails to which i would not respond then he got mean in an effort to get me to and it worked) The things he said to me were so hurtful as if I was just a nothing in his life for all these years..That gave me the strength to get through the day knowing he is just not worth it!! and hopefully permanently I have no intention of caving this time...I CAN make it..I am very appreciative for the support I am receiing here...it makes it that much easier knowing I am not totally alone
wildsoul Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 ..I re-read some of the nasty things he said to me last week (after he sent me 3 emails to which i would not respond then he got mean in an effort to get me to and it worked) The things he said to me were so hurtful as if I was just a nothing in his life for all these years..That gave me the strength to get through the day knowing he is just not worth it!! Man, do I know about that. My guy's sent a few nasties when I've broken up with him before. Use that to fuel your healthy anger right now. Because if that doesn't work, then they usually try some gooey romantic gesture next.
Author hartbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Man, do I know about that. My guy's sent a few nasties when I've broken up with him before. Use that to fuel your healthy anger right now. Because if that doesn't work, then they usually try some gooey romantic gesture next. I am not worried about it, I dont think he will contact me I will post what he said to me (part of it so you can see what I am dealing with exactly) This is what he said to me last week... "I never promised you or insinuated any other type of relationship with you and it hurts me to feel that I am not meeting up to YOUR expectations of what I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to act. You concentrate more on the way I am to you, or lack thereof instead of me" and he ended his little goodie with this... "So, after this digests inside, please talk to me. I have done nothing wrong." He has done NOTHING WRONG!!! LOLOL I thought to myself no why would you insinuate any type of relationship when I have been an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on, a playtoy for sex or if not sex, an outlet for sexual frustration among other things...This angered me as I have given everything to this man for YEARS and in return he basically has spit on me...and told me as far as I can read from this and other things he said like this...that I am nothing to him...and I hope he finds this board and reads this so he can know how despicable I think he is!!! As always it is ALL about him....sickening...
jwi71 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 "I never promised you or insinuated any other type of relationship with you and it hurts me to feel that I am not meeting up to YOUR expectations of what I am supposed to be or how I am supposed to act. You concentrate more on the way I am to you, or lack thereof instead of me" Damn...he actually said that?!?!?!? I need to change my tune. This whole treat women with respect and dignity got me cheated on. I got it all wrong! I need to be an azzhole to keep women around. Care to join my pity party?
Author hartbroken Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Damn...he actually said that?!?!?!? I need to change my tune. This whole treat women with respect and dignity got me cheated on. I got it all wrong! I need to be an azzhole to keep women around. Care to join my pity party? yes he said this among other things such as this.... "I have never directly hurt you inside, because I never made promises to you, or conveyed feelings of false hopes. I never painted a picture of things" so in HIS twisted mind he never hurt me, if I am hurt it is my OWN doing...Yes seems the a-holes are the ones us women typically go for...but this woman has learned her lesson in a MAJOR way.. Im all for being in your pity party....
Soaked Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 hartbroken, I'm so glad to see you had a good day today! and good for you reading some of those bad emails to keep the NC going. but wow.. I can't believe he wrote that.. that really show what an a$$ he is. and it's funny to see your xMM don't feel like he hurts you either. I guess somehow in their mind they justify things. The more I read from this forums I really see pattern here.
Author hartbroken Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 hartbroken, I'm so glad to see you had a good day today! and good for you reading some of those bad emails to keep the NC going. but wow.. I can't believe he wrote that.. that really show what an a$$ he is. and it's funny to see your xMM don't feel like he hurts you either. I guess somehow in their mind they justify things. The more I read from this forums I really see pattern here. Yea he wrote that (and there was more) but you all get the gist...If it keeps me from contacting him again I will read it over every day just so I can remember what I get for all my years of standing by his side and I mean thru some really BAD times he went through...I am so sick of being an emotional punching bag...who needs this..I can do better and deserve better...
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