Is this cheating?!? I cant do this anymore...

[clintsgirl]

I've posted on here before, about our non exsistent sex life and got some great advice. I'm hoping i can get some more on this problem. A little backround, i'm 29 he's 31 been together 4 yrs. For the past year we have maybe had sex once a month, and now its going on 3 months with nothing. He knows its a issue, he says its his problem, and no he's not cheating, i know for a FACT. I'm beyond the point of being patient and understanding, i seriously feel like i'm going to lose my mind. Let me get to the problem now. A week ago, we got into a argument about the "non sex life", during this time he was dealing with his ex wife over money (which is a whole nother story), I was pissed at him, he was pissed cause of his ex wife. He needed something really bad from his best friend that lives about 45 mins away. I thought i would be nice and go get it for him, he knew where i was going. His friend owns a small bar so i met him up there, waited for him to get done. He said the item was out in his car, so i went out to his car, he said he wasn running up to the grocery store to grab something and asked if i wanted to ride along. I thought sure it would take about 10 mins, i was still upset about my H and I argument, so i needed sometime to cool off. so we ran to the store, then i went home. Right when i got home my H, was ready to blow his top, apparently i took to long and he wanted to know what i was doing. I told him i had to wait for his friend, then i went out to his car. Right when i got that out of my mouth he got pissed, saying "how could you get in my best friend's car, what else did you do, how could u get in another man's car, etc" during this i am trying to tell him i went to the store w/ him as well, which of course by now i know he is really going to lose it. Mind you he has been friends w/ him for over 12 yrs. So he's like tell me the truth on what you did, i'm going to call him, so tell me the truth. So i did told him, i went to the grocery store w/ him. Well he lost it, he was saying i lied to him, i cheated on him, i got it from his friend cause we arent having sex, and that i'm a whore, i need to get the f**k out of the house, he cant believe me. During this time, my head is spinning out of control with confusion, i didnt cheat on him, what i did was completely innocent let alone with his best friend. I was pissed, upset, heart broken that he could say these things. So i left for the evening, went to his mothers house, which he knew i was over there. he wanted to call me and argue with me half the night about how horrible i was, and he cant trust me. And while he was at home dealing with his ex wife i was out driving around with his best friend another male, i lied to him about it (which i didnt), he cant trust me etc.

The next day i went back home, and started grabbing my clothes. He tells me to stay, he is pissed and doesnt know when he will get over it, but if i love him like i say i do and i didnt cheat on him i need to prove it. My stupid heart took over my brain and i stayed. I still feel like i did nothing wrong, while he is saying even if i didnt cheat on him, it's still cheating, and all he can think about is me and his friend (which remind u i went there to get something my H needed extremely bad). So a week has passed, it has gotten a little better, the dirty looks have died down, but and thats a big BUT, I am back to being pissed off about our non sex life. I just tried talking to him about it, and i should of known, but of course now he is saying he doesnt know if he will ever have sex with me again, cause he still thinks i cheated (which i know deep down he doesnt think that, cause he knows i wouldnt) he is just using it now as this huge "reason" for not fixing our sex life oh yeah and he said he isnt sleeping with me now cause i'm a whore, yep he called me a whore. I wanted to strangle him. So i asked why he is even with me if this is what he feels? His answer, cause he is a "chump and a pushover". Not that he loved and cared about me. I started to cry, and told him i didnt want to be with anyone that felt these things about me. then he goes on how selfish i am, for thinking about sex and not his feelings for what had happened. I'm questioning my love for this man, why do i love him still if he says these things. Why did he flip out cause i got into his friends car? Why am i still trying to make this work, when he is pushing away and blaming me for everything. Right now he is in the worst position ever, this is his life, laid off his job for over a year, wakes up at noon, plays xbox, watches porn, starts drinking at 5, seriously does not leave the pc till he goes to bed at 3am, his car is broken and wont be fixed till we have the money, he just started looking for a job, and his unemployment has now run out, so he is bringing in no income. He is still doing the same things, but taking maybe an hour out of the day to look for a job. I am also currently laid off still collecting unemployment and have been actively looking for a job daily, i get up at 730am, get kids ready for school, laundry, cooking, cleaning, earrands anything that needs done i am there. With all of this, all i want is sex, i mean once a week is cool with me, but no i am the one he says is the most selfish person in the world, and i do all my nice things for our family to make up for my selfishness over sex. With all the things he isnt doing and doing i have loved him and not stopped doing my nice things. I have no right to be bitchy towards him at all, cause he has to deal with my feelings and emotions, and then he will bring up things that happened 3 yrs ago, but of course i cant bring up speak, or say anything he does or has does wrong, cause mine is always worse. Why do i feel like i have to stay with him, or i can change him?!? Then i think stupid if i really make arrangments to move on with my life, he will see im serious and want to change. I have loved this man from the first day i met him, he used to be the man of my dreams, he was loving, caring etc. Can he ever go back , or is it hopless

[boldjack]

First thing CG is for BOTH of you to CALM DOWN. There are many issues affecting your relationship and in order for you to get back to normal, you have to confront them, together. Perhaps counseling would help. Both of you are having very stressful lives and that is probably the main reason for the lack of sex. His issues with his ex, both of your job losses, money problems, are all contributing to the stress and also to the jealousy. If you can, try to get him to sit down and CALMLY discuss what is happening. You both seem to still love each other, so make that the starting point, and work from there. Try not to be critical or to cast blame at each other, but confront each issue as a team. Good luck

[MichelleS1983]

Right now he is in the worst position ever, this is his life, laid off his job for over a year, wakes up at noon, plays xbox, watches porn, starts drinking at 5, seriously does not leave the pc till he goes to bed at 3am, his car is broken and wont be fixed till we have the money, he just started looking for a job, and his unemployment has now run out, so he is bringing in no income.

Sorry but - what a complete loser.

 

This jerk has KIDS to support and his lazy ass is sleeping in bed until NOON? Then he spends the rest of his day playing video games like a dumbass teenage boy, watching porn like a dumbass teenage boy, and drinking all night? It's losers like this idiot that waste our precious tax dollars.

 

What a complete loser.

 

And the entire time Mr. Ambitious has been laid off for over a YEAR, his lazy, worthless ass never even considered finding some kind of side work to bring in extra cash? Yeah, I know..that would sorely interfere with his 5-hour XBox marathons and his time spent in the Spank Me Mommy chatroom on his porn site.

 

Ugh, why do you even CARE whether this waste of life touches you or not? He brings absolutely NOTHING to the table. It's like having another kid to deal with - except this one drinks and beats off to porn all day and night and doesn't go to school.

 

ROFL!!! And he calls YOU selfish.

 

You mention his ex-wife ... does loser boy also have kids from that marriage that he should be supporting?

 

LOL...I love that he wanted to kick you out of the house. How is Mr. Jobless going to support himself if you left? Right now, he's depending heavily on your Unemployment check because he seems to think it's A-OK for a woman to support him while he sleeps til noon every day. Guess it's time to get off his shiftless ass and start flipping burgers at Burger King.

 

I could never put up with such a worthless sack of skin.

 

Good luck to you. You're going to need it.

[JeezLouise]

I have to agree with Michelle. He ain't worth a lot, is he?

 

On a side note - my first suspicion (even though you say you KNOW he isn't cheating) is that he is cheating. Cheaters or liar always have that bit of guilt in their minds that makes them believe that everyone around them is lying and cheating, too. Reason? They KNOW that they can look you in the eyes and lie, so they believe you can do it, too. When someone takes a totally innocent action (going to a car with a friend) and turns it into cheating, it is because he knows what he has been doing and knows how easy it is.

 

but your saying that you are both at home everyday, he is a on the porn or the xBox and drinks all night - well, he probably can't get it up drunk anyway - with you or an OW.

 

One definite - it's time to lose the internet connection. You're broke and neither of you have jobs. Internet is a luxury, not a necessity. Matter of fact, go pawn the xBox, too. You can check online for jobs at your local Employment Security office, where you probably can check your email, too. If not, you can check your email at your local library. You and your H can get up at a reasonable time of day, drive together to the employment office, do some job searching, drive to the library and check emails, and go home and spend some time with the kids.

 

Your kids don't need the xBox or the internet, either, and if Dad gets a job, then you can unpawn the xBox. Go play outside, do a puzzle, play CandyLand, go fishing, take a walk, read a book aloud and discuss it, read the paper and learn about current events.

 

You wouldn't keep drugs in the house if your H was a crackhead, would you? Get rid of the booze, too; an unnecessary expense, and one that leads to obesity and lack of ambition.

[giotto]

not the best man to spend the rest of your life with, is he?

[sxyNYCcpl]

First piece of advice: Paragraphs. Learn to use them, reading that was painful.

 

Second, dump this loser, he's not worthy of your time or efforts. Perhaps he'll eventually learn, but I doubt it.

[2sure]

Initially I was going to say that obviously he is depressed, feels that his lack of sex drive and lack of employment is threatening his manhood - so the thought you could be cheating was not a hard reach for him.

 

BUT. All of the above may be true . So what? Those facts dont change a thing. Further, he knows you didnt cheat. He is using it as an excuse just to punish you - because he has NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

 

I'm sorry. This is just too freaking much. He is just now now, spending a token amount of time looking for work - drags himself away from the xbox for an hour, now - after his unemployment is gone???

 

And he is a father??

 

Get him the hell out.

[dunstable]

He seems seriously disfunctional - not just the ridiculous jealousy but also that he doesn't seem very interested in working again. And the lack of sex for months on end suggests he no longer loves you either. He may be one of those men who just can't cope with life and wants to revert to childhood and have a woman look after him just like his mother did when he was little. I can't help speculating as to whether he was ever truly functional or whether he has always relied on others to look after him as you are doing now?

 

Probably the kindest thing you could do for him as well as yourself is to break it off.

 

PS I agree with everything in Michelle's eloquent reply.

[theycallmeprincess]

So I know that you have stated that you H is not having an affair, but the way he jumped to conclusions, and so violently at that, really brings up the red flags.

 

Often when a partner is cheating, they try to deflect any suspicion away from them, by placing their own guilt onto others.