wiseup Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I've been reading a lot and I found out that many MM would try and get the xOW to break NC by acting passive-aggressively. For example, they would make you aware of their presence without talking to you in hope that you would start talking to them first. And most of the times they are the one that initiated NC. Why the attempt to get the OW to break NC then?
marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 wiseup i'm asking that question right now go to my story...he always find a way to break NC. I think that we are the problem...they know that we're always going to be there for them and that why they don't give up!! I have been three years in a on-off 'relationship' with my exMM only beacuse i don't know how to say nooooooooooo
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Not faulting you for posting this, but I think this question is over simplified at its premise. There are a million and one answers to it, and these kind of hypotheticals tend to stir up debates that go nowhere. And for anyone who is actually DOING no contact, it's best to stop asking questions about why MM's do this and why they do that. Enough time and attention has gone into obsessively figuring out their wants/needs/motives. Better to just focus on the simplicity of knowing that the task is to go NC, along with being prepared for the fact that putting in the boundary will be hard for the OW and might also be tested by the MM. What prompted you to ask? Is your xMM trying to contact you again?
Author wiseup Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Like 2 days I was feeling pretty down so I set my online status as "feel like crap". Later on he went online and posted his status as "???". I think he was trying to ask me why I felt that way. I didn't respond. Half an hour later, he signed off. I guess in a way I know that he still cares, at least a little. But then what would that little bit of crumbs get me? He told me he would never contact me 2 months ago. Then why the little attempts to try and get me to break NC? The showing himself in front of me, posting response to my status, forwarding me an email and then telling me not to reply..Just a lot of mixed msg. I am just thinking, if I am the one that wanted contact in some way, then I probably wouldn't have told someone I'd never contact them. I mean, if he can't stick with it, he probably shouldn't have said the never contact me thing in the first place. If he's gonna use strong languages as "never contact", then he should stick with it, right?
jwi71 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 The answer wiseup is simple. YOU are the low hanging fruit. He knows how to contact you, he knows how to affect you, you have shared memories upon which to prey...to dangle more false hope he KNOWS you have. In a word...easy. You're easy to reach. Consider some fictitious blonde. Well, the MM knows nothing...he must begin anew for an A provided she is willing. Start all over from step one. Why do that when he KNOWS he has you...both emotionally and physically. He doesn't have to start over with you...he's already WELL down the path. That's why.
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Like 2 days I was feeling pretty down so I set my online status as "feel like crap". Later on he went online and posted his status as "???". I think he was trying to ask me why I felt that way. I didn't respond. Half an hour later, he signed off. I guess in a way I know that he still cares, at least a little. But then what would that little bit of crumbs get me? He told me he would never contact me 2 months ago. Then why the little attempts to try and get me to break NC? The showing himself in front of me, posting response to my status, forwarding me an email and then telling me not to reply..Just a lot of mixed msg. I am just thinking, if I am the one that wanted contact in some way, then I probably wouldn't have told someone I'd never contact them. I mean, if he can't stick with it, he probably shouldn't have said the never contact me thing in the first place. If he's gonna use strong languages as "never contact", then he should stick with it, right? This is SO much better than a hypothetical. Not that I'm happy you're feeling like crap. You know what I mean. I just think this is a better way for us to support you. Sure, if he said "never contact" he should stick with it, but that's not human nature. Look at the whole reason why NC needs to be done in the first place: Something about the R is very compelling, even though there are negative consequences. In an attempt to undo the dysfunctional relationship, one or both parties puts a NC rule in place. But the rule itself doesn't mean you're instantly healed! You of all people know this. You're still in withdrawals. Perhaps you can look at his contacts as him struggling to stay out of the relationship, but the compulsion is still winning sometimes. Is it okay if I give you some tough love? You have not yet been in NC, because you still have this online status thing going (Yahoo IM, FB, whatever.) Moreover, you're the one that passive agressively got the contact going. You put out a "rescue hook," of showing your distress, knowing full well he would read it. Be honest with yourself. Didn't you imagine what he might think when he saw it? Perhaps you didn't consciously do it to get him to contact you, but you did know he'd read it. I'm not shaming you. But it's just that you're doing something that is a KNOWN way people break NC. They throw out something that makes them look needy (for lack of a better word) to inspire the other party to rescue. That or perhaps you were hoping it might inspire guilt in him. Correct me if I'm wrong. I've done those things before myself, so I'm not acting holier than thou. But in case you're kidding yourself about your part in it, I thought I'd point it out. Like everyone says: HE can't play unless you let him. Looks to me like you're keeping it going with the status connection. If you really want to be free, cut the cord. And don't be surprised when you feel a new layer of grief under there. Sometimes we don't realize we're still getting a "fix" until we take it away. (((hugs)))
NoIDidn't Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Moreover, you're the one that passive agressively got the contact going. You put out a "rescue hook," of showing your distress, knowing full well he would read it. Be honest with yourself. Didn't you imagine what he might think when he saw it? Perhaps you didn't consciously do it to get him to contact you, but you did know he'd read it. I'm not shaming you. But it's just that you're doing something that is a KNOWN way people break NC. They throw out something that makes them look needy (for lack of a better word) to inspire the other party to rescue. That or perhaps you were hoping it might inspire guilt in him. Correct me if I'm wrong. I've done those things before myself, so I'm not acting holier than thou. But in case you're kidding yourself about your part in it, I thought I'd point it out. Like everyone says: HE can't play unless you let him. Looks to me like you're keeping it going with the status connection. If you really want to be free, cut the cord. And don't be surprised when you feel a new layer of grief under there. Sometimes we don't realize we're still getting a "fix" until we take it away. (((hugs))) WooHoo! Great post! Wiseup, its time for you to do that! Every thread is about your trying to figure out a better way of blaming HIM for YOUR attempts to break NC. Stop playing this game. Stop making yourself into this hapless victim that he's somehow stalking. You are stalking HIM from the way this reads: He logs on and off several times (I'm watching him) I changed my status to something pitiful and he posted ??? (I'm watching him) He sent me an email message telling me no need to response (I just wanted to say thanks) He this He that When are you going to get on with actual NC?! NC is your friend. It WILL hurt. It DOES hurt to lose someone you love. I know that. I know you love him. BUT....this isn't the way to get over him by pining for him and watching his every move. The A is over. Its time for you to help yourself heal with NC!!!
jj33 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Wiseup - I think you are missing the point of NC. Of course he still cares about you. But?? Why does that matter? He isnt single. He isnt filing for divorce. Nothing has changed. THATS WHY YOU ARE DOING NC IN THE FIRST PLACE. These are just ploys for attention. NC is not easy. The challenge is not to rise to the bait. If you are committed to NC, then ignore him. He is no longer a part of your life. NC is not a phase its an abbreviation for he is dead to me. Which means 1. I dont email him, 2. I block him from my facebook or whatever it is that he saw so that he could post you a message. 3. You take him off whatever friends list you have so that you dont know when he is online and he does not know when you are online. You dont keep someone you have vowed never to be in contact with again on your friends list. The fact that he has kept you on is meaningless - yes he misses you but it doesnt mean anything has changed. You need to do this for your own healing. And get rid of all old emails between you get rid of all of it. It hurts. But its unfortunately the way it is. Hang in there. You can do this.
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