What if he never wants to get married?

[redant]

what if he never wants to get married? I worry about this.

I'm in my late 30's he is too. He is not thinking of marriage.

We have been together 6 months and things are good. He knows I'd like to get married

and have a child one day. He has said he has friends that are together a long time and

have kids and aren't married. He told me 5 months or maybe even a year are not

enough time to know. He has to go by his feelings.

 

I mean I enjoy him and he is good to me etc, but what if he

never wants to marry me?

 

It is something I want. Wouldn't he want to make me happy? Do guys decide to marry someone

after years of being together?

 

I'm not looking to tie someone down. Just have a good life and work together as a team.

 

I keep it in mind that I may have to move on and I am tempted to talk to others

 

ANy opinions? Similar circumstances? Has anyone left someone because they didnt want to get married?

[paddington bear]

what if he never wants to get married? I worry about this.

I'm in my late 30's he is too. He is not thinking of marriage.

We have been together 6 months and things are good. He knows I'd like to get married

and have a child one day. He has said he has friends that are together a long time and

have kids and aren't married. He told me 5 months or maybe even a year are not

enough time to know. He has to go by his feelings.

I mean I enjoy him and he is good to me etc, but what if he

never wants to marry me?

 

It is something I want. Wouldn't he want to make me happy? Do guys decide to marry someone

after years of being together?

 

I'm not looking to tie someone down. Just have a good life and work together as a team.

 

I keep it in mind that I may have to move on and I am tempted to talk to others

 

ANy opinions? Similar circumstances? Has anyone left someone because they didnt want to get married?

 

Sorry to say this but "He told me 5 months or maybe even a year are not

enough time to know. He has to go by his feelings" this to me screams 'I don't want to get married to YOU'.

 

Some guys just don't want to get married, but would be happy to live with you the rest of your life as if married.

 

However, that quote rang other warning bells. I don't think the issue here is marriage, but that he's 'not ready', which in other words means that it could be 5 years more of him working out his 'feelings' about whether he wants to marry you.

 

I have female friends who've been with guys like this, and have heard the same line, and when they've split up the guy goes and immediately marries someone else.

 

What I would do is turn off the heat in your relationship a bit. Don't focus all your attention on him and solely him. If he doesn't see a long-term future for the two of you, you need to keep your options open and he needs to realise that he might lose you by dithering. I read somewhere on the internet about the not being ready type statements "If a guy was walking on a sidewalk and saw a hundred dollar bill, do you think that guy would walk by it and say 'I don't think I'm ready right now to pick up that bill?'. You are that hundred dollar bill, if he saw the value in you, he wouldn't hesitate to grab you and keep a hold of you.

 

I don't mean to be too negative here, but just be wary, that's all I'm saying.

[xpaperxcutx]

This is an example of brutal honesty. He made it clear he didn't want children, and saying I don't know is his way of replying your should you ask in the future.

 

This relationship is doomed. If you stay with him longer than a year, you'll start feeling depressed and feeling like you've wasted your time with you. I think it's time to think about whether you want to be with him in the long run ( no marriage and no children) or think about seeing someone else.

[samspade]

Six months is not long enough to know someone well enough to get married. I'm sure there are exceptions to this that have worked out well, but you seem more interested in marriage itself than in the man you're currently dating. If I were you, I'd stop worrying about "what ifs" and enjoy your time together, if you truly like/love this guy.

 

I respect that you want to have children, and the best way to raise children is within a marriage, but it's better not to have kids than to rush into a marriage/family with the wrong guy.

 

Also, you should ascertain whether he is against marriage in general, or just doesn't want to get married after 5-6 months. I'd say he's being level-headed about it. If he doesn't EVER want to get married, then your ships are not sailing in the same direction.

[redant]

I don't know if he believes in getting married. Although he at times talks about it. Just how he would have a big one. I think we get along great and he seems to really like me. I just feel that or worry that he will not want to marry. I think in my mind that it is his choice his life and I have to also be ready to be alone. I may want to marry him I don't know right now for sure, but I'd like to know it's a possibility and he seems very self sufficient. I get really scared about this!! :s

[redant]

Thanks I may talk to him about wanting to date other people.

[2sure]

First, even at 30 , 5 months is WAY too soon for most people to be pondering marriage. Still, its fair to question future plans and lifestyles - whether they include you & the relationship or not.

 

If you asking him if he thinks he will ever marry (not you specifically), if marriage is one of his goals and he says NO.

 

At that point, its easy enough to explain that marriage IS one of your goals and that although you feel great about your relationship....you feel you both should consider finding someone with similar goals.

 

And you should.

[Sam Spade]

Sorry to say this but "He told me 5 months or maybe even a year are not

enough time to know. He has to go by his feelings" this to me screams 'I don't want to get married to YOU'.

 

Some guys just don't want to get married, but would be happy to live with you the rest of your life as if married.

 

However, that quote rang other warning bells. I don't think the issue here is marriage, but that he's 'not ready', which in other words means that it could be 5 years more of him working out his 'feelings' about whether he wants to marry you.

 

I have female friends who've been with guys like this, and have heard the same line, and when they've split up the guy goes and immediately marries someone else.

 

What I would do is turn off the heat in your relationship a bit. Don't focus all your attention on him and solely him. If he doesn't see a long-term future for the two of you, you need to keep your options open and he needs to realise that he might lose you by dithering. I read somewhere on the internet about the not being ready type statements "If a guy was walking on a sidewalk and saw a hundred dollar bill, do you think that guy would walk by it and say 'I don't think I'm ready right now to pick up that bill?'. You are that hundred dollar bill, if he saw the value in you, he wouldn't hesitate to grab you and keep a hold of you.

 

I don't mean to be too negative here, but just be wary, that's all I'm saying.

 

 

That is complete bullshet, perpetuated by women with agendas to get married , and the $100 bill analogy is the most inappropriate ever .

 

I'm 32, which is technically a good time to get married, and I do want to get married eventually. I have a good girlfriend, but there is simply NO. WAY. that I would marry her earlier than at least 3 more years down the road. Yes, I'm not ready, and it has very little with my feelings for her. I'll get married ONLY after I'm very stable in my career, have zero debt, and some initial assets to base a family on, and also until she finishes school and settles in her career. If this means losing her - too bad, but that's a risk I'm ready to take. But I'm not going to run into anything I'm not ready for just to satisfy "the marriage itch" , which she thankfully does not show signs of. I understand the urge girls have to get married, but I bet many shoot themselves in the foot by overthinking and overreacting. Sure, there is always risk, but it is a personal bonudary and communication problem, not the boyfriend's problem .

[Sam Spade]

First, even at 30 , 5 months is WAY too soon for most people to be pondering marriage. Still, its fair to question future plans and lifestyles - whether they include you & the relationship or not.

 

If you asking him if he thinks he will ever marry (not you specifically), if marriage is one of his goals and he says NO.

 

At that point, its easy enough to explain that marriage IS one of your goals and that although you feel great about your relationship....you feel you both should consider finding someone with similar goals.

 

And you should.

 

Soothing words of sanity here.

[Sam Spade]

Do guys decide to marry someone

after years of being together?

 

 

 

Generally yes - you date somenone and things go well. If after a couple of years you're still doing it and things still go well, it makes sense to contemplate marriage. At least that's how I and all of my friends see it (and have experienced).

From guys' point of view marriage adds almost nothing to the relationship as such. It is a rather calculated decision comparing the quality of the relationship as it is versus the multiple liabilities associated with marriage. In other words, the only way for a guy to happily jump into them is to have a good relationship to begin with, which in turn is not possible to fully asses in a short period of time (i.e. less than 1-2 years). There are always exceptions, but jumping into marriage after a couple of months is something that I will never understand (nor I want to).

[redant]

Thanks. He knows it's one of my goals. I think he thinks we are a different generation where we don't have to marry. He is against all restrictions, govt, religion etc. That is his mindset but he seems to waver and to be searching and I feel that he has strong feelings for me. I just don't know and it is soon.

[Trialbyfire]

redant, you've had concerns about this guy since Day 1. He's been consistently non-committal and you made the personal choice to go with the flow, to see how it works out.

 

If he's not what you want, walk. I honestly wouldn't waste any more time with this guy. He smacks of commitment fears, like nobody's business.

 

Having said that, while there's nothing wrong with wanting marriage as a future goal, you need to change your perspective. Instead of wondering about what might or might not happen, worry about if he meets your needs. Is he someone worth partnering with, for the rest of your life?

[AlektraClementine]

2sure gave you the best advice. I would follow it if I were you.

 

Seeing as I'm not, let me tell my experience.

 

First, I did not bring the subject of marriage up until the BF and I had been together for a year. I asked him if he wanted marriage and children in the future and I told him that I definitely want a husband and a family one day. Just so happened, he wanted the same thing and said so.

 

Now, it hasn't been all roses and sunshine since that initial talk. We've dealt with issues of resistance, hesitation, worry over finances and timing. But we're working through it. The key with us is that we both want the same which allows us to productively work towards it.

 

If your man is against marriage right now, it could mean that it's just too soon for him to decide or it could mean that he doesn't want to marry you. I've heard a lot of men say, when they found the one they actually wanted to marry, the had no problem discussing the topic.

[clv0116]

I wish you the best but if he's always been a bachelor at this stage in life and is not interested in kids you have to put yourself in his shoes and ask why he would be motivated to get married in the 21st century. I want kids, so I'm looking for marriage but many guys my age are either divorced and have kids or are confirmed bachelors with no overwhelming desire to procreate.

 

It sounds to me like he wants a partner, not a wife and family.

[redant]

Thanks I will be thinking of what to do.

[bean1]

That is complete bullshet, perpetuated by women with agendas to get married , and the $100 bill analogy is the most inappropriate ever .

 

I'm 32, which is technically a good time to get married, and I do want to get married eventually. I have a good girlfriend, but there is simply NO. WAY. that I would marry her earlier than at least 3 more years down the road. Yes, I'm not ready, and it has very little with my feelings for her. I'll get married ONLY after I'm very stable in my career, have zero debt, and some initial assets to base a family on, and also until she finishes school and settles in her career. If this means losing her - too bad, but that's a risk I'm ready to take. But I'm not going to run into anything I'm not ready for just to satisfy "the marriage itch" , which she thankfully does not show signs of. I understand the urge girls have to get married, but I bet many shoot themselves in the foot by overthinking and overreacting. Sure, there is always risk, but it is a personal bonudary and communication problem, not the boyfriend's problem .

 

Fair enough but the OP is a female in her late 30's and if she wants children, she really doesn't have time to waste on a man who doesn't want marriage. It's not such an issue for men but for women, there are a whole deal of health risks that begin to accumulate after a certain age. I'm not sure if he is clear on that or not, but a man in his late 30's likely knows what he wants in that department.

[redant]

I probably won't break it off yet, because it's so soon. I will probably get my heart broken as usual. I always pick the bad ones and bitch and whine. When I could go with a nice guy who knows he wants something serious and a family etc. Yep.

[Mahatma]

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 11 months now and I could see myself thinking about marriage with her if I was older, but that would be it.

 

I do not know if I would be ready to actually get married. That is a huge deal, and to expect him to have made a decision in 5 months is a bit much.

 

I can certainly see myself marrying this girl if I still feel this way about her when I am out of school.

 

My parents dated for 8 months and got married and their marriage is the best one I have ever seen.

[Trialbyfire]

I probably won't break it off yet, because it's so soon. I will probably get my heart broken as usual. I always pick the bad ones and bitch and whine. When I could go with a nice guy who knows he wants something serious and a family etc. Yep.

So why do you do this?

[paddington bear]

That is complete bullshet, perpetuated by women with agendas to get married , and the $100 bill analogy is the most inappropriate ever .

 

I'm 32, which is technically a good time to get married, and I do want to get married eventually. I have a good girlfriend, but there is simply NO. WAY. that I would marry her earlier than at least 3 more years down the road. Yes, I'm not ready, and it has very little with my feelings for her. I'll get married ONLY after I'm very stable in my career, have zero debt, and some initial assets to base a family on, and also until she finishes school and settles in her career. If this means losing her - too bad, but that's a risk I'm ready to take. But I'm not going to run into anything I'm not ready for just to satisfy "the marriage itch" , which she thankfully does not show signs of. I understand the urge girls have to get married, but I bet many shoot themselves in the foot by overthinking and overreacting. Sure, there is always risk, but it is a personal bonudary and communication problem, not the boyfriend's problem .

 

I beg to differ Mr. Spade! To be honest, personally I could no more give a s**t if I get married or not, but it's an important thing for a lot of women. I think it's sweet that you want to have your life financial and otherwise sorted before you'd think of taking that leap, but I guess there's a difference between that and a guy saying he's not ready because he's in a relationship with someone just until someone better comes along. There's genuinely not being ready, but willing and open to marriage and then there's the fake not being ready, which means he will either never be ready with YOU, or he will keep procrastinating forever because he's unable to make a commitment with anyone.

 

I agree though that 5 months is waaay to early to be thinking of making such a commitment, however I don't think it is too early to figure out if this guy is for the long-term, if their overall goals are different, best get out now before the OP wastes more time with a guy who has no intention of giving her what she wants ever (as opposed to genuinely thinking about it as their relationship grows).

 

It's more a question of if he's totally anti-marriage and she's not. But the OP said that he has talked about marriage and wants a big one, so to me that means that he's open to the idea, maybe just not with her. I've seen too many female friends strung along by the not ready guys and all I'm saying is that in all cases it wasn't that they were not ready for marriage, it was that they weren't ready for commitment with these girls, mysteriously they were ready with someone else, often within a short space of time of splitting up from my friends.

[redant]

That IS pretty scary PBear. Wow.

 

I'm not sure why I pick the ones I do. Maybe I want to play victim. I'm mistreated. There are ALOT of things I like about him too, he's kind. But yes I just don't know what I will do. Probably give it a little more time. Bring it up to be clear on his views and if he doesn't love me enough I will have to face it.

[redant]

I need to post in the will this relationship last forum

[redant]

I feel that I will have to be alone forever. Is that so bad?