ncgal Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Sorry, this is LONG - just need to vent and rant and get it all off my chest. So, I have been chatting with this guy since Dec and we met in person in feb. A few weeks after we met and hung out he asked for a monogomous relationship. I am currently seperated (no prospects of reuniting with ex) and told him that I just got out of a relationship and didn't want to jump into another one right away, but that I enjoyed his company and if he watned out that I understood. He said he'd wait on me. During that time I was still cautious about getting to know him and keeping him at a distance until I trusted him. During that time we always met at his house and I met all his friends. I still didn't 100% trust him because he is a self-proclaimed bad boy, I know that he helps his friends cheat on their girlfriends by letting them use his place, he has cheated in the past, he's a huge flirt, he's always talking about other girls hitting on him, but he always claimed that he has never dated or slept with them, although he knows I am dating (but not sleeping with anyone else). Anyway, last week I told him that I was going to try to make a go of it and have a monogomous relationship with him (on a wednesday). Over the weekend I texted him I'd like to see him, he said he couldn't because his parents were in town. I left town for work and we didn't hear from each other. Thursday, a week later I texted him to get together. Didn't hear from him. Called him - didn't hear from him. Emailed him - ddin't hear from him. Went to his house - his car was there, his lights on. Knocked - no answer, tried his door - it opened, but he wasn't home, so I left. Later that night I get an email that he was out of town to take care of a sick aunt in an area with poor cell service and he'd get back to me when he's in town. I wrote a nasty email that if he was oot then why was his car there and his door open. He wrote an equally nasty one saying that he flew so his car was there and that his cousin was using his apt so it was open and that he can't believe I broke his trust and opened his door and checked up on him. He said he's been open and honest, unlike me who is hiding everything from him - where I live since we always are at his place, meeting my friends - since he's met none of mine and I've met his and that I'm still dating and he hasn't since he's met me. he said to take care since that was the last time we would communicate. Yes, I have trust issues and didn't let him in, but really does his story sound valid? is it more that he's upset that he got caught in a lie?? I accept my share of the blame, but am I the only one since his story sounds wierd to me. Anyways, he won't return my calls, texts, and emails and said in his last email that that was the last time I'd hear from him. I think it's incredibly immature way to act, but I can't help but want to talk to him one more time for closure at least.
confusedcookie Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Sorry, this is LONG - just need to vent and rant and get it all off my chest. Yes, I have trust issues and didn't let him in, but really does his story sound valid? is it more that he's upset that he got caught in a lie?? I accept my share of the blame, but am I the only one since his story sounds wierd to me. Anyways, he won't return my calls, texts, and emails and said in his last email that that was the last time I'd hear from him. I think it's incredibly immature way to act, but I can't help but want to talk to him one more time for closure at least. seems like excuses, BUT innocent until proven guilty, if at the beginning at the relationship, i believe you have to give him an fair chance and TRUST him, until he breaks that and you find him lying. but, with the going to the house thing, i don't know, not something i would do, its like his privacy right? gives you no right to walk in even if the door is opened. if he was lying, shame on him, but if he was telling the truth, then you might be seen as a crazy walking his house, just my two cents
WTRanger Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Unless you have absolute proof he's telling you a lie, then you have to believe his story. Honestly, if I were the guy I'd mail you a copy of my boarding pass then tell you never to contact me again. It sounds as if he was completely transparent to you this whole time, he let you into his life and you never returned anything. Then, the whole going over to the house ordeal, yea that's bordering on the lines of crazy stalker here. Plus, you two were barely dating at that point! Imagine if a guy did that to your place? How would you react? For now, work on your trust issues. There is a reason you have those, so try to be at peace with them. If I heard this story in a courtroom, I'd have to rule in favor of the guy. Like the other poster said, innocent until proven guilty.
Author ncgal Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Both definately valid points. Trust issues is something that I've always had a problem with and I guess it will be an on-going problem with every relationship until I fix that. I guess the reason I didn't believe him was that if he was in a poor cell phone area to not be able to return texts and phone calls, how was he able to shoot off emails so quickly. But yeah, reading it written out here in black and white, I seemed stalkerish just showing up and opening the door. God, now I guess I need to figure out how to reconcile that as well into figuring out how to get over this.
robinincarolina Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 It sounds like you were initiating most of the contact. Trust me on this, it feels much better when they are doing the contact. It shows they value you. It also conveys the message that you could be high maintance and needy. These things are not attractive in a man. Now you have learned. Work on your self before you go into another relationship so that you can have the happy healthy relationship you deserve. You have to learn to trust and you may have to dig a little deeper into yourself to figure out why you have a problem with this. My issue is opening up. But I work on it one baby step at a time.
WTRanger Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I guess the reason I didn't believe him was that if he was in a poor cell phone area to not be able to return texts and phone calls, how was he able to shoot off emails so quickly Well it depends on how he connects to the internet. If he's on DSL, cable modem, etc and uses a laptop or computer then that's a completely different signal than cell phone. However, if he has the cell phone internet cards or uses his cell to reply to emails than that is a different question. It sounds like you were initiating most of the contact. Trust me on this, it feels much better when they are doing the contact. It shows they value you. It also conveys the message that you could be high maintenance and needy. From a guy's perspective, if we do all the contact it feels as if we aren't valued in the woman's head either. I understand as the guy, it's on us to do a lot of the contacting but at the same time the girl needs to reciprocate to at least show interest. Maybe it shouldn't be as even as 50/50 but it certainly shouldn't be 100/0 on either end, guy or girl's side. At the same time, this is an age of everyone screaming for equality. Well you can't do buffet equality where you pick the things you want to be equal on and leave others alone. But that's beside the point and I'm off subject here. Back on subject, have you tried or considered therapy for the trust issues? Maybe talking to someone would help or at least get to the root of the problem. If that's not appealing, then next time you want to rush out and check up on the guy try to take a step back. Stop yourself, realize what you are doing, and try to direct that energy over to something more positive. The more conscious you are of your own actions, the more you can do to stop the negative ones.
WTRanger Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 One more thing. Don't blame yourself fully either. He's not exactly squeaky clean in this one. Just chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. Who knows, after things settle the two of you can reconnect?
Author ncgal Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 robinincarolina - there were things I worked on with this "relationship" that were issues during my marriage, but trust was one that I still have a hard time. I think it's mainly because I trusted after 13 yrs of being with the same man, he would be the one forever and it wasn't the case. WTRanger - believe me, this situation and the issues with trust is the first thing the therapist and I will be talking about my next session. I think the hardest thing about all this and the reason I vented here until I meet with my therapist is the guilt I feel for not trusting, the what-if's running through my head ALL THE TIME and the what in the world was I thinking since it is so out of charector that I would do anything like this. I have NEVER in my life thought of checking anyone's story out. Even the one time I thought my ex-husband was cheating I still never went through his email or phone, even when I didn't trust his story. Yeah - beating myself up the past 4 days sucks. The fact that I don't have closure and the ability to explain myself to him is killing me. Ugh - they call it a breakup for a reason right?
Author ncgal Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 Ahh..cyberstalking. I wish I didn't do this I read his best friend's girlfriend's blog who is training for the marathon this morning. In it she said that she and the guy that I'm broken up with went for their training run that saturday morning that he was supposedly in AL with his sick aunt. Just a few hours from his email that he ranted that I broke his trust. So much for him being in AL, since he was out on the training run. It's sad, but sweet validation that it wasn't all in my head. It doesn't make me feel 100% better because now I'm left wondering why he would lie in the first place, but it does help with the closure. At least I know I'm not the only one to blame. The therapist and I did talk about trust issues this afternoon and she made me feel better about stopping by unannounced since I hadn't heard from him in a week and no answers to texts, calls and emails. However, it's something that I'm still working on with her for future relationships. We also played out the "what if" scenarios that have been plaguing my every waking moment. It was good because in the end I realized the end result would have been the same for the most part. Sigh.....onward and upward.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Sorry, this is LONG - just need to vent and rant and get it all off my chest. So, I have been chatting with this guy since Dec and we met in person in feb. A few weeks after we met and hung out he asked for a monogomous relationship. I am currently seperated (no prospects of reuniting with ex) and told him that I just got out of a relationship and didn't want to jump into another one right away, but that I enjoyed his company and if he watned out that I understood. He said he'd wait on me. During that time I was still cautious about getting to know him and keeping him at a distance until I trusted him. During that time we always met at his house and I met all his friends. I still didn't 100% trust him because he is a self-proclaimed bad boy, I know that he helps his friends cheat on their girlfriends by letting them use his place, he has cheated in the past, he's a huge flirt, he's always talking about other girls hitting on him, but he always claimed that he has never dated or slept with them, although he knows I am dating (but not sleeping with anyone else). Which is all good reasons to not trust him and keep an emotional distance from this "bad boy". He helps friends cheat and has cheated for god's sake.....so why are you even considering him at all? hmmmm?? Anyway, last week I told him that I was going to try to make a go of it and have a monogomous relationship with him a monogamous relationship with a bad boy that cheats and helps friends cheat......uh....ok:confused: (on a wednesday). Over the weekend I texted him I'd like to see him, he said he couldn't because his parents were in town. I left town for work and we didn't hear from each other. Thursday, a week later I texted him to get together. Didn't hear from him. Called him - didn't hear from him. Emailed him - ddin't hear from him. Went to his house - his car was there, his lights on. Knocked - no answer, tried his door - it opened, but he wasn't home, so I left. Later that night I get an email that he was out of town to take care of a sick aunt in an area with poor cell service and he'd get back to me when he's in town. with his car there, the lights on and the door open??? don't think so. I wrote a nasty email that if he was oot then why was his car there and his door open. what I thought too and I missed this part. He wrote an equally nasty one saying that he flew so his car was there and that his cousin was using his apt so it was open and that he can't believe I broke his trust and opened his door and checked up on him. He said he's been open and honest, unlike me who is hiding everything from him - where I live since we always are at his place, meeting my friends - since he's met none of mine and I've met his and that I'm still dating and he hasn't since he's met me. he said to take care since that was the last time we would communicate. Yes, I have trust issues and didn't let him in, but really does his story sound valid? No. compound that with the fact that he is a known cheater and condones cheating...he is a liar even if he tells the truth. is it more that he's upset that he got caught in a lie?? I accept my share of the blame, but am I the only one since his story sounds wierd to me. Anyways, he won't return my calls, texts, and emails and said in his last email that that was the last time I'd hear from him. I think it's incredibly immature way to act, but I can't help but want to talk to him one more time for closure at least. closure for what? hes a cheater, liar. Is it because he is a bad boy and they have a way of wrapping women around their fingers? why do you want him? is he incredibly good looking or something? has to be, cuz his other traits, I would think, would throw up HUGE red flags and would tell a woman to stay away.
Author ncgal Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Dexter - Thank you so much for your post. Everytime I have a weak moment I read your post and it reminds me not to be weak. I think my issue is that after the end of my marriage I was so lonely and this guy filled that gap. Red flags and all. Lonliness is a horrible beast and breaks down all my reasonable though process, but I use your post to put reason back into my head because you're right. He's a liar even when he tells the truth.
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