Die Hard Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 This is exactly what I am saying... Do you realize that nothing else will matter to the BH?? That nothing else SHOULD matter to her? It is the ONLY thing that "I" have discussed with her. The ONLY THING!You seem to forget the fact that her and her husband's children are are none of YOUR BUSINESS! You also don't seem to realize how weird it comes across that you are this concerned about her children, especially when one considers that you are the cause of the whole thing in the first place, and that you claim you are past the point of ever being with her anyway. Imo, this is why people are posting the things they are. It would come across more sane if you said you met with her because you missed her. This whole concern for the kids thing doesn't make any sense to me, particularly as a former om. If you or I had REALLY cared about the kids we wouldn't have become involved in the first place. Just my opinion but I aint buying all this, again, as a former om. Just does not add up. You can say its all about her kids but there is more to this. Actions vs. Words. If you care about the kids you'd never contact her again or meet her again.
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 you know what? You and lkjh are absolutely right. "I" am the insane one. I am the one that lost my mind... I don't give a sh*t about her, or her BS and definately about her children. I don't even care about myself or my family. You both are correct.. I am now off to find another MW and wreck her family's life too... BYE
Reggie Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Well, Stamp, this continued contact is insane. And, you must admit it does not make a ton of sense that one instrumental in the destruction of the kids lives is suddenly concerned about them, nevermind having any expertise on this subject. This is bullcrap.
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Well, Stamp, this continued contact is insane. And, you must admit it does not make a ton of sense that one instrumental in the destruction of the kids lives is suddenly concerned about them, nevermind having any expertise on this subject. This is bullcrap. OK, I will admit it, I contacted her, I answered her calls too, I am the instrument of destruction of her children..... oh, and I never cared about them.... I am the bullcrap
Reggie Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Your just acting goofier than hell, bro. WTF, you have an affair; you keep bombshelter supplies in your house for her; and now, when she has an attorney and her H has representation, you are Dr Spock or Dr Phil. It's whacked. This woman gives not a shiiit about her kids. She's gonna listen to you? What the hell is wrong with having NC and looking for a legitimate relationship(and working on your short game).
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Your just acting goofier than hell, bro. WTF, you have an affair; you keep bombshelter supplies in your house for her; and now, when she has an attorney and her H has representation, you are Dr Spock or Dr Phil. It's whacked. This woman gives not a shiiit about her kids. She's gonna listen to you? What the hell is wrong with having NC and looking for a legitimate relationship(and working on your short game). I am in NC, I DID play golf today, short game is better, thank you, actually made some putts too.. I am just sick of people telling me what I actually think, how I actually feel, etc... Listen, you guys (and I am being sincere) probably know this woman about as much as I do at this point. What I saw the other day was scary. And now that I look back, I have NOT been seeing much of the same behavior all along (now it is just in HD). Anyway, I KNOW how I felt, what I felt (right or wrong) and I KNOW ahat is right or wrong NOW... Don't f*cking use the kids as a bargaining chip for more money, or the house or for whatever it is she is doing this for (cause I DO NOT talk about the "other sh*t), just the children
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 regarding the attorney's.. Reg, YOU ARE ONE, right? is this where your beef is? If you are one, then you know EXACTLY what the f*ck I am saying! What do the words "looking out for your BEST interest" mean to you? HUH!? It means "you are my client, I will take this to court, drag it out, and MAKE MONEY" IF she was in his best interest, THEY would be in his best interest, cause he f*cking knows that the will SETTLE in the end anyway.... YOU KNOW THIS
lkjh Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 This is exactly what I am saying... Do you realize that nothing else will matter to the BH?? That nothing else SHOULD matter to her? It is the ONLY thing that "I" have discussed with her. The ONLY THING! You are bull sh***** yourself. Go back and read your threads, they are like a wave one minute up and the next down. You have a bunch of threads about how you see her for who she really is and then the next one is about how you want to "help" her. You have had 3 thread in 3 weeks and in each of them you talk about how you are helping her with things like her divorce and now you claim you have only spoken to her about her children. You are lying here and to yourself. You are not a victim or a knight in shining armor you simply a guy hoping to steal another mans family. Who knows why, maybe your life is so boring that this is all you have but either way you need to leave that family alone. Ask the bh what he wants don't just simply say "do you realize that nothing else will matter to the bh". You are completely separted from reality if you honestly think you have any place in this family.
lkjh Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 you know what? You and lkjh are absolutely right. "I" am the insane one. I am the one that lost my mind... I don't give a sh*t about her, or her BS and definately about her children. I don't even care about myself or my family. You both are correct.. I am now off to find another MW and wreck her family's life too... BYE You can not say you care about her H and kids if you continue to destroy their family. This was not a one time accident this has been going on for years and you do everything you can to continue it.
Ronni_W Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Stamp, I totally feel for you, and your situation. If you don't mind me suggesting: Do you feel it might be worthwhile to reflect on the two "roles" that you've presented at this point -- you've gone from Pure Altruist to Total Victim. Possibly you are not just one or the other of anything? Perhaps there is a better balance to be had? What if you ALSO were acting on your own behalf when you met her, or had some intention/hope of doing that...in addition to looking out for her and their children? What does that change, in Reality? You still do not have to defend it to anybody else. You still are you! It still doesn't matter what anyone thinks or how anyone else perceives you. IMO.
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 You are bull sh***** yourself. Go back and read your threads, they are like a wave one minute up and the next down. You have a bunch of threads about how you see her for who she really is and then the next one is about how you want to "help" her. You have had 3 thread in 3 weeks and in each of them you talk about how you are helping her with things like her divorce and now you claim you have only spoken to her about her children. You are lying here and to yourself. You are not a victim or a knight in shining armor you simply a guy hoping to steal another mans family. Who knows why, maybe your life is so boring that this is all you have but either way you need to leave that family alone. Ask the bh what he wants don't just simply say "do you realize that nothing else will matter to the bh". You are completely separted from reality if you honestly think you have any place in this family. again, you are spot on... My loley life is SO boring that I needed to go find a woman and wreck her family, cause that is how I roll... That is the TRUE Stampdaddy... I am a monster that will soon find a family near you to destroy.
81West Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Why do I feel like there's some alternate message board universe where there is a woman with a thread saying "I gave him ONE LAST CHANCE not to behave like a self righteous emotional bully and HE BLEW THAT TOO. I AM DONE." You love her. And you know what? It's your job to support her. It's not your job to fret about her husband and overempathize with him at her expense. It's not your job to tell her how to divorce him, and it's most certainly not your right to rifle through her wallet on "trust" in order to emotionally attack her. And that's precisely what that stunt amounted to, good intentions be damned. You got the reaction you deserved. Self interest is not a sin, and it's not objectively wrong. Casting an eye towards her future material and social needs is practical, and it's smart. Nobody can be any good to anybody else, especially their children, if they can't first be good to themselves. He will do the same thing, the lawyers will get fat, and they will all get through this. It's a shame, but it's THEIR path. 75% of us on here would have been far better off taking better care of ourselves and our futures because we wouldn't have been vulnerable to the crap that landed us here. I say good for her. She had an affair (with YOU), and that puts her at a legal disadvantage. She's maybe being advised to play hardball now. If she were a businesswoman and this was business, she'd be a hero. Instead, you give her the message that she absolutely is a sinner, and that she should pay for this dirty little affair, and be willing to give up the house and take the social shots to the face. I mean, whose side are you on? The irony here is that you're on your own side, just like she is, just like we all are. The irritating part is you're hiding it even from yourself under the guise of her children, and God, and 'waking her up' to your view (and the only valid one apparently) on how to divorce her husband. Stop trying to 'save her from herself'. It's enormously disrespectful. You've got empathy and concern for everybody else more than you have it for her. And while that preserves your self view and general sense of righteousness, it's a death blow to this partnership. You're treating her as an errant sheep that needs your steady paternal hand and moral guidance. That's not an option in a relationship. The options are get in, or get out. If you don't trust her to do right by her children and husband on her terms, get out. If all you've got for her are doomsday scenarios about same, get out. If she has lost your respect, get out. If her moral compass is set too differently than yours, get out. Just get out, and stop the earsplitting clang of this awful moralizing. Affairs are ugly and damaging. Deal with that reality, just like she is.
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Why do I feel like there's some alternate message board universe where there is a woman with a thread saying "I gave him ONE LAST CHANCE not to behave like a self righteous emotional bully and HE BLEW THAT TOO. I AM DONE." You love her. And you know what? It's your job to support her. It's not your job to fret about her husband and overempathize with him at her expense. It's not your job to tell her how to divorce him, and it's most certainly not your right to rifle through her wallet on "trust" in order to emotionally attack her. And that's precisely what that stunt amounted to, good intentions be damned. You got the reaction you deserved. Self interest is not a sin, and it's not objectively wrong. Casting an eye towards her future material and social needs is practical, and it's smart. Nobody can be any good to anybody else, especially their children, if they can't first be good to themselves. He will do the same thing, the lawyers will get fat, and they will all get through this. It's a shame, but it's THEIR path. 75% of us on here would have been far better off taking better care of ourselves and our futures because we wouldn't have been vulnerable to the crap that landed us here. I say good for her. She had an affair (with YOU), and that puts her at a legal disadvantage. She's maybe being advised to play hardball now. If she were a businesswoman and this was business, she'd be a hero. Instead, you give her the message that she absolutely is a sinner, and that she should pay for this dirty little affair, and be willing to give up the house and take the social shots to the face. I mean, whose side are you on? The irony here is that you're on your own side, just like she is, just like we all are. The irritating part is you're hiding it even from yourself under the guise of her children, and God, and 'waking her up' to your view (and the only valid one apparently) on how to divorce her husband. Stop trying to 'save her from herself'. It's enormously disrespectful. You've got empathy and concern for everybody else more than you have it for her. And while that preserves your self view and general sense of righteousness, it's a death blow to this partnership. You're treating her as an errant sheep that needs your steady paternal hand and moral guidance. That's not an option in a relationship. The options are get in, or get out. If you don't trust her to do right by her children and husband on her terms, get out. If all you've got for her are doomsday scenarios about same, get out. If she has lost your respect, get out. If her moral compass is set too differently than yours, get out. Just get out, and stop the earsplitting clang of this awful moralizing. Affairs are ugly and damaging. Deal with that reality, just like she is. I will read this a few more times, I promise, BUT my immediate response is this: He wasnt trying to take the kids away from her... He was going to pay her some support (not sure how much, but it was something). He wasnt trying to screw her and have her served in public, or have her read papers saying that SHE was going to NOT have custody or legal rights to their children, BUT, that is exactly what she is doing to him... AFFAIR OR NO AFFAIR. I DO love her, but I can't "support" her doing this.. It is not about MY standard, it is about HER standard that she is not employing...
NoIDidn't Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Affairs are ugly and damaging. Deal with that reality, just like she is. Hilarious. Apparently you didn't read any further than the OP. Because you missed some things. a couple of other things that she said: In regards to the H getting the house, "what will all of the neighbors think? I mean, why wouldnt the mother keep the house? They will assume that I had an affair". DUH! In regards to her parents and family, "what about that age group, it is ALWAYS assumed that the mother would keep the house, maybe they too will think I had an affair". Double DUH! She is only covering for herself. She doesn't want anyone to know she even had an affair and here you are stating that she was dealing with reality? She's sitting at a restaurant with her lover, saying she doesn't want people to know she had a lover. But she has earned your pity/sympathy somehow. Some OW really do only support other OW, no matter what. Its confusing. How really would an OW feel sitting listening to their MM say things like this while going through a D? I doubt very seriously the OW Chorus will be sitting back saying "its your job to support him". Just, wow.
OldEurope Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Hilarious. Apparently you didn't read any further than the OP. Because you missed some things. She is only covering for herself. She doesn't want anyone to know she even had an affair and here you are stating that she was dealing with reality? She's sitting at a restaurant with her lover, saying she doesn't want people to know she had a lover. But she has earned your pity/sympathy somehow. Some OW really do only support other OW, no matter what. Its confusing. How really would an OW feel sitting listening to their MM say things like this while going through a D? I doubt very seriously the OW Chorus will be sitting back saying "its your job to support him". Just, wow. These are valid points but I believe the difference is, that once a divorce starts (however it was initiated) an OW feels, even if matters have cooled with her MM or if the two of them were not in contact at the time of the filing, personally obligated to help him, to support him, if she loves him (or still "cares" for him). You are right that the "Chorus" here might sing another tune with regard to other cases here, but there is the belief that a) Stamp truly had a fully invested love story, not just an "affair", that b) his romantic nature adds to the feeling that he should walk(keep walking) through the fire for her and c) perhaps that after 5 years, he "see it though" to the end here, after so much time and pain. My feelings are mixed. I am part stay with her, see it through, and another part of me understands that she is being immature, exasperatingly so and that it is a turn-off. I do feel she is reacting in an irrational way out of pure fear, not necessarily because of a personality disorder xo OE
Mino Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I think it is about her taking responsibility, and being accountable for her past actions and having compassion at the end to not hurt her family anymore then she has..
Mino Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 These are valid points but I believe the difference is, that once a divorce starts (however it was initiated) an OW feels, even if matters have cooled with her MM or if the two of them were not in contact at the time of the filing, personally obligated to help him, to support him, if she loves him (or still "cares" for him). You are right that the "Chorus" here might sing another tune with regard to other cases here, but there is the belief that a) Stamp truly had a fully invested love story, not just an "affair", that b) his romantic nature adds to the feeling that he should walk(keep walking) through the fire for her and c) perhaps that after 5 years, he "see it though" to the end here, after so much time and pain. My feelings are mixed. I am part stay with her, see it through, and another part of me understands that she is being immature, exasperatingly so and that it is a turn-off. I do feel she is reacting in an irrational way out of pure fear, not necessarily because of a personality disorder xo OE I think its normal to want to support them while they are going through a difficult time. I think stamp wants to support her as well, but I do also understand stamp in his feelings because I think he has to see that she is taking responsibity and has some compassion for her H and children.. in her heart. At the end of the day when she is sitting with the attornys, it is her choice what she is asking, They work for her, not the other way around. They can advise her all day long, but she should call the shots and need to abide.
Reggie Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 regarding the attorney's.. Reg, YOU ARE ONE, right? is this where your beef is? If you are one, then you know EXACTLY what the f*ck I am saying! What do the words "looking out for your BEST interest" mean to you? HUH!? It means "you are my client, I will take this to court, drag it out, and MAKE MONEY" IF she was in his best interest, THEY would be in his best interest, cause he f*cking knows that the will SETTLE in the end anyway.... YOU KNOW THIS Stamp, you overestimate the attorneys' power in these things. Family law is accounting. It is a field, generally, not occupied by the best and brightest in my profession. Custody is pretty easy to determine absent some egregious things. They will have their chances to present their sides. But, bottom line is she will get the kids unless he was the primary caregiver.
81West Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I will read this a few more times, I promise, BUT my immediate response is this: He wasnt trying to take the kids away from her... He was going to pay her some support (not sure how much, but it was something). He wasnt trying to screw her and have her served in public, or have her read papers saying that SHE was going to NOT have custody or legal rights to their children, BUT, that is exactly what she is doing to him... AFFAIR OR NO AFFAIR. I DO love her, but I can't "support" her doing this.. It is not about MY standard, it is about HER standard that she is not employing... Stamp, this is neither the first nor the last thing realating to this woman that's just frankly none of your business. It's none of your business! Really and truly just none of your business. She may tweak her 'standards' another dozen times before it's done. This isn't 1928 and it isn't Persia. She has a voice and a vote in her own life. She has the legal and constitutional right to have the dissolution of her marriage proceed any way she wishes in accordance with common legal practices. You have zero right to determine if the spirit or the substance of her husband's offer was fair and appropriate for her life. She not only has a right to legally secure her future to the best of her ability, as a mother she has an obligation to do so. Her husband and the father of her children has the same right and obligation to work on his own behalf. It couldn't be any less your role to support or not support this particular decision and course of action. Your role is to support her emotionally as she works through the very, very painful process of a divorce. She has the human right to learn from her mistakes, if that's what they are. It's just not your call. I understand that it's your good heart and kind spirt that wants this to be clear and simple and reflective of what you have come to expect are your shared values. I'm assuming that she understands this too, and that that explains why she has not slapped you into Oklahoma over it all. She seems passive and non-confrontational. That's not a character flaw necessarily, it's just a thing. Perhaps part of a palette of her personality that produces other gentle things that you love. Perhaps not, too. Perhaps it is a warning bell that you two will not mesh morally in the long run. You can hang back where you belong and observe her through this and the fullness of time will reveal what you need to know. What you can't do is wring your hands and micromanage her divorce because you get a lump in your throat when you imagine her husband getting served. It's absurd.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 What happens in the end if your subpoena to testify on the stand stamp? Could you look the MW in the eyes and tell the truth of how you was an accomplice in the destruction of her family? I mean you dont think she'll hate you for that. and yes being subpoenaed in a divorce case is a long shot but in some states it's not uncommon for BS's to pull out all the stops and bring the truth out in the open by any means necessary. What do you get out of being with this TOXIC woman! She has destroyed her family with her actions, why are you still interacting with her?!!? YOU JUST DONT GET IT!!!! SHE WILL BETRAY YOU AS WELL!!!! For 5 years you've been doing dirt, arent you tired of it? Arent you tired of the deception and lies, stop trying to be captain-save-a-ho. Sorry to be blunt but damn, you wasted 5 years lying and cheating because your boundries is weak, your resolve is weak, your manhood and right to distinguish between right and wrong is weak. Is that the type of man you are? Really? Only you create the problems you have, no one is forcing you to contact this woman, if you wanted NC you could but you dont want to.
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 These are valid points but I believe the difference is, that once a divorce starts (however it was initiated) an OW feels, even if matters have cooled with her MM or if the two of them were not in contact at the time of the filing, personally obligated to help him, to support him, if she loves him (or still "cares" for him). You are right that the "Chorus" here might sing another tune with regard to other cases here, but there is the belief that a) Stamp truly had a fully invested love story, not just an "affair", that b) his romantic nature adds to the feeling that he should walk(keep walking) through the fire for her and c) perhaps that after 5 years, he "see it though" to the end here, after so much time and pain. My feelings are mixed. I am part stay with her, see it through, and another part of me understands that she is being immature, exasperatingly so and that it is a turn-off. I do feel she is reacting in an irrational way out of pure fear, not necessarily because of a personality disorder xo OE I have "sifted" alot or the replies of this Thread, and here is where I am at today: First, to those who have said that it is "none of my business" regarding the D. You are right. So, God forbid today that I happen to stroll by a pond and see a man that can't swim out in the middle of it, drowning. That too would be none of my business. I didnt put him there. I was sincerely only trying to help this mother, this woman, MY friend see that there will be ALOT of unneccessary hurt and damage caused by trying to take everything from the BH, when we all know that in the end it won't happen. Why spend the money? Why cause the hurt? Why cause the co-parent of your children to end up hating you even more and forever more? Anyway, it is none of my business and I will NEVER say another peep. To those who have said that I should "stay and support her", like I "owe" her this. You know what? I should. I DO owe her. ESPECIALLY with the knowledge (cause she told me herself) that she didnt want a Divorce, so, she would NOT be going through this if her H didnt file for one. How about that? WOuld you encourage me to stay and wait it out for the rest of my life? Knowing that I am getting what the BH doesnt want anymore, cause she wasnt coming to me?? This is just ONE spoke in this wheel that I have been looking at here lately. But alas, "her HUSBAND, as she so stressed to my face 3 times Tuesday has filed and now she has counterfiled and their dance will continue for quite a long time. I should wait? To those of you that have described my "tactics" as bullying and harsh, indicating that "I" am the one responsible for "painting her into a corner", REALLY? I am the one holding the brush? I am the one that never made a single "right choice" in all of this? Huh.. Yes, my tactic was extreme. Why would a man of my caliber use pictures (hearts) of her very own children to hopefully open her eyes of WHO is going to end up being hurt with these latest BAD decisions? Why would one do such a horrible thing, trying to maybe stop them from getting hurt? Why would I maybe think that I have a little experience to share with the one I love? Why would this "monster" give s sh*t in the first place? Why would I maybe be thinking a little more clearly than her at this moment when her attorney is (in his own words) "looking out for her best interest? ***and WHY is this so hard for some of you to grasp? WHy do some of you not get that the attorney WANTS this to go to court, WHY IS THAT??? When would it EVER be in the childrens best interest to have this happen, when the attorney's exact words were, "we can always come back to this and change it back to Joint"?? It startles me how some of you think that this "ploy" is OK. As far as a "personality disorder", I don't know. I hope not, but heck, what I saw the other day scared me to death. I have seen it with her before on a couple of occasions and I just kinda swept it under the rug, trying to make sense of it by thinking that she had insecurity issues because of the Affair. Once, we had gone out of town to a resort, we werent there for more that 5 hours and were at dinner. The place we were at had alot of history. I was talking to waitress with her sitting next to me, asking about the place and who she had seen famous, and I asked how long she had worked there.. BAM! World War 3, out of nowhere.. 3 hours of insanity. She said she would never forget how she treated me that night, she didnt know where it came from and I wrote it off to "she knows she is married, and that I am free and I could drop her at any minute for some waitress that live 1400 miles away..." best I could come up with SO, I will close for now and wait for all of the bashing that I am sure will come on this "Happy Friday". PS: I really have been trying to do the right things for her, her family, us and now ME
GreenEyedLady Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Just stop. Stop trying to justify EVERYTHING. You're not her father or her lover. Really end it. So that you both can move on.
lkjh Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 I am just laughing at your latest justification. You didn't just stroll by this MW, you have planned it out. You set meetings up for years and you still do that. You really need to get therapy
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 Just stop. Stop trying to justify EVERYTHING. You're not her father or her lover. Really end it. So that you both can move on. GEL, Why wouldnt I feel a need to "justify" things within MY life? Do you really think I care what you have to say to me? Sure, I value your input, as with the other posters. I place what you say to me in my "sifter" and I try to keep open eyes to what I NEED to see to help my growth through all of this. I never claimed to be her father, that seemed to be the H's job. And I wasnt her "lover", I was her friend, her partner and alot more. I may need to "justify" my letting this go to MYSELF. People here say STAY, while others say GO, so it is confusing. I love her with all of my heart, and this is the hardest decision that I have EVER made. I am not making stuff up to justify my decision, I have been living this way for almost 5 years. And I have yet to be shown or made to feel that OUR future together even exists. I can post here everyday for the rest of my life if I need to and still be moving on with my life, and I do NOT need you telling me what I should do, what I am or what I was to her... What is up you a$$ anyway? Is it that this one (one you thought would work out) isnt working out?
Author stampdaddy Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 I am just laughing at your latest justification. You didn't just stroll by this MW, you have planned it out. You set meetings up for years and you still do that. You really need to get therapy I really have no earthly idea what the hell you are saying... I, I, I am the one that "set up meetings"???? WTF does that even mean? meetings where? Business meetings? lunch meetings? I didnt just stroll by this MW? What does that mean? And I had WHAT, exactly planned out? THIS?? is THIS what I had planned out?
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