wow123 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I can't seem to stop beating myself up for mistakes that I made during my relationship. I keep playing the WHAT IF game in my head and can't seem to let it go. How can I stop doing this?
robinincarolina Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 First you have to accept the breakup if thats what happened. I have a lot of what ifs as well, but the fact of the matter is you can't change it. Keep busy. Forgive yourself. You can be your worst enemy in cases like this. Call a friend. Write it down. Get it out and move forward.
confusedcookie Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 i am like that too... what if happens if i did this instead??? ... things happens for a reason, if they don't happen then, sooner or later, it will happen. for me, it was so horrible the first 3 days of NC, mornings are worst than me. always a sound sleeper, i would start waking at 6 and not being able to go back to sleep. now on day 14 of nc, and with each passing day of not talking to him, you feel stronger, and you feel proud of how much you accomplished. the first day of nc seemed like there was 50 hours in a day, the days and nights were soooo long, but it gets easier with time, and with time, you learn that what has happened has happened. for me, i feel that if he truly cared, he would have called within the first week, but he hasn't, therefore, he didn't care enough for me. do i want someone that doesn't care enough for me?? no, i don't.
robinincarolina Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I too am on day 14. I too did the break up. The mornings are bad, very bad. Keep on going. Don't cave. I read a book that gave me great inspiration. I keep reading it every time I feel weak. The jest of it is if you don't contact them, they will contact you in time. Its a get your man back type book. It has also helped me deal with the fact that I may not have him back. Its sooo hard, but you have to be strong.
confusedcookie Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I too am on day 14. I too did the break up. The mornings are bad, very bad. Keep on going. Don't cave. I read a book that gave me great inspiration. I keep reading it every time I feel weak. The jest of it is if you don't contact them, they will contact you in time. Its a get your man back type book. It has also helped me deal with the fact that I may not have him back. Its sooo hard, but you have to be strong. i would love to know the author and name of the book please!!!! =)
robinincarolina Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Check out my sig link. I don't know if I am allowed to do this here, but its on my blog.
ncgal Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I understand exactly where you're at. I am beating myself up with the what if's, but there are moments (although brief) that I take a step back and think that things happen for a reason and more often times than not, the universe is working in your favor. I don't believe in the metaphysical mumbo jumbo, but this has been the case for the most part with a lot of things in my life. Big hugs - I'm in the same spot you are in with just thinking about the what if's and beating myself up too.
Author wow123 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 I just know she was perfect for me but I screwed it up.
broken_promises Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I hate the "what ifs" because they take everything out of context and make you feel like everything was all because of something you did/didn't do enough to make it work. Now, of course, if you did something major (cheat, hit, etc.) that is somewhat different. But the other "what if" stuff (from what if I didn't gain weight, what if I wasn't so negative all the time, what if I tried harder, what if I was more friendly to his friends/family, etc.) all focuses on what YOU could have done rather than on the interaction that the two of you ended up developing that didn't work in the end. In other words, for every thing you could have changed, there was probably something that the other person could have changed too. But, I'm in the middle of the pre-breakup stage, and so I'm constantly focusing on what I could have changed/what I could still change. But the reality is, once it is at the stage of being over, it is HARD to break those patterns of interaction that two people develop over a relationship.
wuggle Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I can't seem to stop beating myself up for mistakes that I made during my relationship. I keep playing the WHAT IF game in my head and can't seem to let it go. How can I stop doing this? How to stop beating yourself up ?? Imagine that you are 99 years old and have minutes to live. You are looking back on your life and trying to make sense of it all, looking at the things you did that were good and the mistakes you made, analysing what you did that helped those around you and what meaning and pleasure you squeezed from your life, where does this decision stand amongst that ?? You made mistakes, they made mistakes , that's life. Learn and move on. If this person was in your opinion the one you should have spent eternity with then go tell them that, then when they tell you to s*d off at least you can say you were TOTALLY true to yourself, otherwise accept it for what it is.
Jagdpanther Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 In other words, for every thing you could have changed, there was probably something that the other person could have changed too. I think that is a great statement. I have just broken up with girl I did think was great. Everything that went wrong, I did shoulder the blame for. Now I realise she had serious emotional baggage from past. That aside, I still am doing the what if's. I read about self compassion the other day, treat oneself kindly when things go wrong http://www.physorg.com/news98466411.html I can think that there were a number of areas in the relationship that I goofed up on, but I also remind myself that she had an enormous number of issues, especially with alcohol. And she did not make an effort to change. So why should I beat myself up. you have to get back into your own routine, start doing things for yourself again, it will start to feel good again. sometimes we only learn through failure, mistakes, I know I have learned so much from my break up, so much. I know I will not make the same mistakes again.
Sibyl Vane Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 In reality, changing some of those moments would have had no effect on the relationship. Thinking about them will achieve absolutely nothing. Easier said than done I guess.
boldjack Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I guess that if you "screwed it up", then you fix it. Be honest, admit your mistake and let the other person know you are sorry. That's all you can do. Unlike Robin, I wouldn't try to manipulate the other person. My own personal opinion is that, if I ever found out that somebody was playing games with me, the end would be swift.
ncgal Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 I went to see my therapist today and brought up the fact that I am playing the what if game. Same as you stated you are doing. She and I went through an exercise to play out the what if scenario. It helped me figure out that if I went through the what if scenarios where I blame myself 100% for the faults of our breakup that in the end the final outcome would have been the same or worse. If you do go through the exercise, I'd suggest doing with someone that will be objective and not play the other person up as athe victim or you as the martyr through all of it - you need someone objective enough. Good luck to you.
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