How do you deal with another competetative woman who's also after the man you like?

[Trialbyfire]

I get what you're saying here, but I think 'fiance' is the key word and key difference. In scenarios 1 and 2 (and believe you me, there's been many more similar to that which I've experienced), you've met the guy for the first or maybe second time and someone else goes out to systematically destroy that initial spark from going anywhere. I would certainly hope that when someone is in a LTR or engaged that they would act like TBF's fiance or I'd be putting the wedding plans on hold

We got engaged a little over six weeks after our first date. Even before our engagement, he showed me how invested he was, in so many ways, of which I've posted about one other situation, in another thread.

 

Overall, it's not about you and the other girl. It's about the man and who he is and how interested he is in you. That's why my old friend's behaviour, while dysfunctional, wasn't so threatening, in that we found a balance between her strange needs and mine. There's a lot more behind this story which I won't get into, but her issues ran far deeper than competitiveness, all the way back to her foundational years.

[Star Gazer]

I get what you're saying here, but I think 'fiance' is the key word and key difference. In scenarios 1 and 2 (and believe you me, there's been many more similar to that which I've experienced), you've met the guy for the first or maybe second time and someone else goes out to systematically destroy that initial spark from going anywhere. I would certainly hope that when someone is in a LTR or engaged that they would act like TBF's fiance or I'd be putting the wedding plans on hold

 

I think TBF had only KNOWN her fiance for a few weeks at that point, although they were already engaged.

 

But still, it doesn't matter if it's the first meeting, the first date, or the first year after marriage, a man who's interested in YOU will act as such.

[MeMyself&I]

 

MeMyselfandI, I'm in my 30's too, however...these things have happened through my 20's and 30's. And I do luckily now have lovely normal, supportive female friends who would not dare step on my toes, nor me theirs.

 

Where I originally come from there's a huge ratio difference between men and women, i.e. more women than men, take out men with girlfriends, married men, gay men, pure odd, weird men, elderly men and when a normal, single guy appears normal girls turn into man-eating crazy ladies, using any means necessary in order to score the rare prize - only worsened by the fact that those ladies are now in their 30's...well that's my explanation for it (that and them not being particularly nice people in the first place).

 

Where are you at so I know not to move there!! lol

[paddington bear]

I think TBF had only KNOWN her fiance for a few weeks at that point, although they were already engaged.

 

But still, it doesn't matter if it's the first meeting, the first date, or the first year after marriage, a man who's interested in YOU will act as such.

 

ok, that makes sense...however...that means that all those guys who seemed to like me never had any interest at all and never would have, which, being totally honest and trying not to kid myself, I think some (not all) of them might have, without interference and if I hadn't simply given up in defeat in the face of stronger opposition. Which means actually that not only along with the guys who don't want me without the interference of another girl, are the ones who don't want me with the interference of another girl.

 

That's kind of a bit depressing, that there is always someone else out there better than me.

 

'Oh PB she seems nice and interesting and sexy and I'm flirting with her and telling her about...oh wait a minute here comes someone else, I'll just turn my attention to her instead'.

 

Truly I get the point that if a guy likes you and wants and desires you, that you'll know it. However, (and this is why I posted this thread) I simply am not equipped to deal with the competition situation. For me it's a lose lose. It's not like I meet men I'm attracted to and have a connection with every day. To have the beginning spark of maybe something sabotaged by someone else means the guy doesn't have a chance to decide whether he likes you, he's been overwhelmed by someone else and I just hang back and allow it to happen and that somehow feels wrong.

[paddington bear]

Where are you at so I know not to move there!! lol

 

Why do you think I left the country???!!!

[Star Gazer]

ok, that makes sense...however...that means that all those guys who seemed to like me never had any interest at all and never would have, which, being totally honest and trying not to kid myself, I think some (not all) of them might have, without interference and if I hadn't simply given up in defeat in the face of stronger opposition. Which means actually that not only along with the guys who don't want me without the interference of another girl, are the ones who don't want me with the interference of another girl.

 

You do know that there will ALWAYS be interference of another girl, right? This interference, aggression, whatever you want to call it, may occur when you're not physically present, but if the guy is a catch (the only type of guy worthy of you anyway ), then there will always be another girl sniffing around, trying to get his attention.

 

But the thing is, when a guy is into YOU, that other girl - no matter how competitive she may be - won't be swayed. Honestly.

 

Thus, if he IS swayed by another woman... then yes, he wasn't into you. Perhaps he didn't get the chance to be taken with you. But is that the assertive girl's fault? Is it really a competition? I don't think so. Perhaps he doesn't get to know you, and thus isn't into you, because you sulk off when she appears, acting like you're hurt that she's stolen your thunder (i.e., lack confidence)? Perhaps it is because you wander off, acting like you don't care (guys like to think you care too)? Perhaps it is because you're being a buddy, rather than a potential date? Perhaps it is because he's looking for someone who would hold her ground, behaving like the new/aggressive woman isn't even there. How do you do this? Engage her in conversation, and do not behave as though you're threatened, all while continuing to flirt with him at the level you were before she appeared.

 

It's not so much about competition with the other woman (or women), it's about making your interest sufficiently known such that he feels he has a real choice. When an aggressive woman comes on to him when he's talking with you (someone who can't seem to handle the presence of another woman), it's not surprising that he chooses the one who's giving him more attention.

 

This isn't the end of the world. I agree that it's not every day that you feel some chemistry with someone... but there are likely just as many guys who say the same thing. It's all about timing, and compatibility.