How do you deal with another competetative woman who's also after the man you like?

May 20, 2009

I'd really like input on this one - long post.

Scenario 1: Me and ex-flatmate host a party. Flatmate is obviously after one guy. Guy is obviously attracted to me. I go out onto the balcony, he follows to have a little private chat and he flirts. Flatmate arrives out, sees what's happening and grabs him by the arm and pulls him inside to dance with her.

After the song ends she makes him sit by her on the couch and wraps her legs over and around his, and then gives me a smug look. In response to this I do nothing. I don't 'fight' for he attentions and go to bed early. (end result, I felt annoyed with her and him. She told me later that she tried to kiss him when he left, he didn't really respond too enthusiastically and she never heard from him again. My thoughts on that were, that he was interested in me, not her and hence the lack of response).

Scenario 2: After being single a long time I meet a nice guy. My best friend who was one of those girls who got all the male attention, (she was beautiful and very flirty) got annoyed that someone was actually finally showing interest in me. She had absoulely no interest in this guy at all, she just wanted him to want her. So, instead of being happy for me, she set about making him desire her instead, unable (I reckon anyway) to cope with the fact that one guy in the universe intially wanted someone who was not her.

When out in company with him or his friends she would act like a teenager and try to embarrass me with comments about how I liked this guy and so on to try to make me look like an idiot. She then set about 'accidentally' bumping into him regularly and well basically she got him and I didn't. Friendship over. Not because the guy was the love of my life, but because of her behaviour, she broke any trust there. (end result, once solid friendship destroyed, the guy turned out to be a virgin and she was really pissed off because he wasn't good in bed and she dumped him).

Scenario 3: I've already written about the situation I'm in now. But basically guy I like had an ex still in his life. She and he described each other as ex's. In any case he friendzoned me, but just in terms of being ousted by another woman, here is how she did it and and I must congratulate her on her efforts as it worked very well.

She did the making friends with me thing in order that I would then feel bad about even thinking about going for her supposed ex. She offered me help which I stupidly took, which meant that I would see a lot of her every week, thus doing the old keeping your friends close and your enemies closer thing.

After initally being nice, she then treated me like **** and when I lost my temper her ex supported her, and she then painted me in an unfavourable light to him.

She complained and whined and talked non-stop about how me and her ex got on so well until he stopped talking to me in the way we used to in order to appease her insecurities. She made sure that she was there at every social event that I would also attend, whereas previously she would not be.

After somewhat mending fences with her after that argument, she then treated me like crap again, I decided on the NC rule with both her and him, as much as is possible under the circumstances of seeing them both regularly. After 2 weeks of me avoiding them both, being polite but distant, she then bought me a gift, meaning that my remaining cold towards her would make me appear like a mean-spirited person.

So she got everything she wanted, possible competition (i.e. me) no longer talking to 'her' man, seeing 'her' man or having any kind of relationship with 'her' man, all the while making it appear as if she is a kind and generous person and that I am some kind of moody bitch. Bravo! I've been played extremely well. (end result: I am miserable. I have lost a once supportive and kind friend and I'm being painted as some kind of unreasonable person).

So the question is...what do you do about the competition? I've talked to other female friends about this and we all agree that it feels undignified to enter into that bitchy fighting over one guy thing, and at the same time it feels horrible to let some other girl 'win' and simply walk away. How do you cope with this situation without resorting to bitchy cat-fighty behaviour yourself?

And if the guy really liked you wouldn't he not be distracted by woman number 2 who is flinging herself at him, or is it purely an instinctive reaction of 'wow this girl really obviously likes me, I'll go for her'.

Bear in mind that this is only in the situation where there is some initial spark between you and the guy and then this other female decides that she wants him and sets about taking him for herself not the scenario where you are the 3rd person trying to take him from someone he's interested in.

May 20, 2009

Gees. I'd choose my female friends better. I don't trust women in general, though, so that may be why I don't really run into this problem much.

Anywho - IMO, if the guy were REALLY that into you, some catty chick would not turn his eye. Besides - I'd prefer a guy that is turned off by catty/petty/bitchy/game-playing females and is no-nonsense. So if a guy I initially liked decided to go after some chick that was going after HIM with these kinds of plays, I'd say, "see ya!" I like guys that are slightly more intelligent and can see through the games.

But I am curious to hear from any males on this board that may have been taken in by these kinds of traps. I'd like to hear THEIR line of reasoning behind the choice.

May 20, 2009

The problem is, men tend to be blind to female bitchy games. They also like to have it easy so if a good looking chick is throwing herself at them, most will just go for it. In reality, it is pretty rare that some girl will catch his eye and intrigue him so much that he will just ignore all other girls. Ideally it's what we all want, but I am just saying it doesn't happen that often.

May 20, 2009

Yes, well I've learned the choose my female friends better, I'm actually very careful now after being burned a few times. Desperate women, no matter how nice under normal circumstances can change before your eyes into some other person when there's an available man to be had. However sometimes it is someone you simply don't know, and they swoop in to claim their prize.

BlueEyedgirl, I think you're right to say that men are blind to the bitchy games that women engage in, the question for me, as a woman, is how do I deal with those bitchy games when it comes to dating. Because yes, it would be nice to feel that the man sees the value in you and so on, but due to the bitchy games blindness you mentioned, I think a lot of the time they've no idea what's going on, and it would be nice to be able to fight back somehow without looking like a desperate witch ..but maybe that's not possible and it's simply better to walk away.

May 20, 2009

I personally find the bitchy games amusing, if somewhat sad. That said, it is interesting to watch all the nuances and plot twists.

Life has taught me that no person is a prize worth fighting over, literally or figuratively. We're just not that important.

So the question is...what do you do about the competition?

Nothing. IMO, your focus is all wrong. Focus on yourself, your path, your life. Accept the attentions of a healthy man. Focus on your relationship with him. Every time your vision strays outward to view the "competition", your energy with him is weakened. If they can "steal" him, he wasn't right for you anyway. Hope that helps

May 20, 2009

paddington bear...firstly I agree with the other posts here, you really need to chose better female friends.

However I completely understand your predicament as I was in a similar one with my best friend. The thing here is when you meet a guy you potentially have a spark with, and another friend of yours decides to hunt him down...I agree, there is NO need to get competitive or resort to bitchy behaviour HOWEVER there is NO need to let yourself fade into the dark either.

Imagine this scenario:

You are at a party, you spot two attractive guys, you're attracted to one of them and try and speak to him. Anyways attractive guy #2 suddenly starts showing ALOT of interest in you, and even though you were initially attracted to attractive guy #1, he seems to have kind of melted into the background whilst attractive guy #2 is showing ACTIVE interest.

So attractive guy #2 sulks away, quite downtrodden because he lost his chance with you(but you have NO idea of this...how would you as you have ALL JUST MET).

So back to the point. I would agree with the point that 'if he were the right guy he would go for you etc' but in the end of the day the guy SIMPLY DOESN'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL so it's what's there to tie him to you?

You see what I mean?

This brings me to the next point, how do you snag the man of the night without looking like you're on a hunting escapade.

You don't have to stoop to any level, just ENSURE you do not melt into the corner. DO not get intimated by some other female's attention. CONFIRM you interest subtly. You can do this by recipricating the flirtation. By being the snazzy self that you are. Trsut me I was in this position with one of my friends before, and in the end even though she was all but laying herself infront of him, I got him, and I did it through being true to who I was.

Anyways just my two cents. All in all the best advice I can give is, BE WHO YOU ARE, and don't be so trusting of other's motives. You're being far too nice, and trusting of other ladies. You know deep inside who has your best interests at heart and who doesn't. Don't allow yourself to be conned by some female who is out to manipulative. Like I said up until the point you are really know a guy and vice versa, it just doesn't do to run off with your tail between your legs.

May 20, 2009

What I have found to work best is if you do not focus on your competition at all. Do not try to outdo them in any way. Interact with the guy as if other girls do not exist. Focus on him.

May 20, 2009

Blueeyedgirl,

I couldn't agree with you more! You hit the nail right on target!

May 20, 2009

DO not get intimated by some other female's attention. CONFIRM you interest subtly. You can do this by recipricating the flirtation. By being the snazzy self that you are. Trsut me I was in this position with one of my friends before, and in the end even though she was all but laying herself infront of him, I got him, and I did it through being true to who I was.

Thanks for the input goldencloud. If you've time can you be more specific? Say, you're at a party, you're talking to and flirting with a man you're attracted to. Another girl appears beside you, she takes over the conversation, she places her body between yours and his, she strokes his arm and so on. I mean, what do you do? Just stand there desperately trying to butt in? Go stand by his side and stroke his arm yourself???? I mean, I don't know. It's very hard not to skulk off with your tail between your legs. Sorry for being so stupid asking for explicit instructions (step-by-step please!), but for me, this is how these scenarios usually begin, you get verbally and physically edged out and I end up feeling like a 3rd wheel somehow.

Carhill, as usual you give advice that is calming to a bothered mind , however, I unfortunately have not yet (yet!) reached a level of zen-like calmness that I can think 'he wasn't right for me anyway'. I'm not saying men are stupid, but many guys are totally unaware of the subtlties of the communication between the females around them.

Put simply, I'm tired of being the loser in these scenarios. I'm tired of thinking 'oh well, I guess he wasn't for me anyway' that hasn't worked for me, and I've ended up with no one, so I'm thinking there must be another way. What if this happens again and that guy would be suitable for me? And yet I am powerless to do anything about the competition because I'm was ill-equipped to deal with the machinations of 'other women'. I guess it's just one of those reapeat patterns for me that I'll like to call a halt to, or at least know inside me that I have mechanisms to cope with it, instead of wondering why the same thing keeps happening over and over.

May 20, 2009

What I have found to work best is if you do not focus on your competition at all. Do not try to outdo them in any way. Interact with the guy as if other girls do not exist. Focus on him.

Interesting and duly noted BlueEyedGirl

May 20, 2009

Paddington Bear, I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD for scenarios like this. Women who do this aggrevate me SO much!

Okay I'll give you a snippet from my experience:

I was chatting with this guy and I could tell he was into me. My friend siddles over and starts chuckling away and complimenting him right left and center. I stood there bemused for a minute, and looked at him, tapped his arm flirtatiously and said 'my my, you certainly seem to be in high demand here'

She looked up rather flabbergasted because I had outed her plot, and he laughed and I proceeded to say something along the lines of 'Well I would say more but I can hardly seem to get a word edge wise'

(naturally this is all said in a very JOKEY flirty manner)

I mean really, if she has the nerve to walk on your territory, you can play it back but with DIGNITY and bemusement.

I agree, there is NO point in walking away from potential after potential due to some female who simply doesn't understand where her boundaries(or libido) lie. In the end of the day as terrible as it sounds, when one is encountered by two females/males he or she has met at a party, it is fair game, and it's OBVIOUS he was into you, but I am assuming due to you melting away and her taking over the reins he went well heck lady paddington bear obviously isn't interested, why not go for the next best thing a.ka slutty ex best friend!

Also whilst she is stroking his arm left right and centre, look at him and give him that 'what on earth look' and chuckle while you look at her so HE KNOWS that you're kind of like bewildered by her behaviour. And say 'Well as I was saying Attractive guy #1 what do you think of bla bla bla'

TRUST ME you are giving these women ammunition by your lack of whateverness. Also let's just say hypothetically the lady in question becomes an all emcompassing octopus, smile at him and say, I'll be right back. No one has the energy to stroke anyone's arm for a thousand hours includes harlots like the lady in waiting. Come back to him and laugh and say 'anways before we were so rudly interupted...laugh laugh' so proceed from there, and say something along the lines of 'it's really nice to have met you, we really should meet up sometime'....that way it's CASUAL, and you dont look desperate but yet to CONFIRM your interest. Ball's in his court.

My feelng here is you probably shut down your personality whenever you encounter competition and thus it's really not the other lady who effectively steals your man-to - be, but rather it's yourself who go' well heck...I might as well just leave them to be'

WRONG WRONG WRONG! Be yourself at ALL TIMES. i mean if you were talking to a friend, and another friend comes along...would you jump ship? No. It would be silly. Same rules apply here

The point is act with DIGNITY at all times. You know your worth. Like blueeyedgirl said, it's not about the lady, it's about YOU AND HIM.

Also you need to ensure that your friends know when you are interested in someone. This should come anturally between friends but it seems in your case you have a histroy of toxic lady friends.

If you need any more advice. FEEL FREE TO ASK!

May 20, 2009

Thanks Goldencloud!!!! I'm actually thinking of copying and pasting some advice I've gotten on LS into a word document and saving it (ok...so that makes me seem like a total loser), but it's good to have a reference manual there at the ready in times of need.

Anyway, ok, I got it! Thank for the step-by-step. That all makes sense and can be instantaneously put to use.

And yes...the toxic lady friends, luckily I'd managed to rid myself of all of them until #3 scenario in my original post arrived into my life, but she never counted as a friend really. I just thought 'Oh noooooo! Not another controlling, annoying woman in my life, and here I thought I'd got rid of them all'. Anyway, she's been pushed firmly aside, I'm not going to pretend to be friends with a toxic person of politeness (well, not anymore anyway!).

May 20, 2009

I totally agree with you. I've received so much good advice here, it's hard to just ignore it and it actually really helps getting the input!

In ref to my response, it's no problem at all. Im more then happy to help because believe you me, I have been in that situation various times, and used to get really dejected before i said 'enough is enough'

I'm glad to hear you dissed the toxic ladies. Regardless of how much 'history' you have, bear in mind these ladies will do nothing but steal your energy, and thrive off the fact that you are a DECENT human being whose main mission in life isn't to top up on the scratches of their bed posts for ego's sake.

May 20, 2009

I have a close friend who when we were in school, was like that. Every guy who showed interest in me or I showed interest in, would immediately be her first choice. It used to annoy me at first but then I realized that the guys who would go for her, leaned towards the hit and run type, due to how she "got" men. So, it worked out well, since she acted like an extra natural filter. She's long grown out of that phase, although I still jack her around about it, to this day.

Watch for repetitive patterns in friends. If they show this type of behaviour, decide if you want them in your life. If not, there are much nicer women around, ones who aren't so insecure.

As for "losing" out, nah. You're just playing into the competition, when you get upset about it. For that matter, guys love this kind of attention, since it makes them feel valuable. If a woman "cock-blocks" you and the guy appears unable to "see" through it, he's full of it and enjoying it or really, really dense!

So...net effect, not worth the concern from any perspective.

May 20, 2009

I personally find the bitchy games amusing, if somewhat sad. That said, it is interesting to watch all the nuances and plot twists.

Life has taught me that no person is a prize worth fighting over, literally or figuratively. We're just not that important.

Nothing. IMO, your focus is all wrong. Focus on yourself, your path, your life. Accept the attentions of a healthy man. Focus on your relationship with him. Every time your vision strays outward to view the "competition", your energy with him is weakened. If they can "steal" him, he wasn't right for you anyway. Hope that helps

Carhill, you rock. I truly wish more women had this mindset for it is excellent advice. It goes for men as well.

May 20, 2009

I've been in this situation before. I usually just leave the dude alone. I don't want to be compared to the other girl and usually they don't end up picking me anyway

May 20, 2009

I don't see it as an issue of the friends you choose; these girls were heinous but they would be that way friends or not.

It came down to timing for these particular guys and not really the other girls' behavior or advances. It sound like no matter how you could've reacted in these situations, these guys were not to be won.

It isn't winning if the result is you landing a guy who will go for anyone that pays attention to them.

Also, when in doubt.....flirt with your competition if you bother being competitive. It will confuse them and throw them off their game.

May 20, 2009

Does this really happen? I must be in a different world? My friends have never done that to me.

For example, just about a month ago, a guy was really interested in me and flirting. I was still kind of interested in this other guy and trying to move on/get over him. My friend said, "are you interested in him? cause if not, I think he's pretty cute". When I told her I was, she respected it and backed off. I couldn't imagine the scenarios some of you have portrayed.

Maybe it's once again the generation gap??? Cause I'm in my 30's. Anyway I'm really sorry you've had to be exposed/go through that.

I really think it's a matter of picking your friends better too. I mean initial attraction is and all but if another girl is laying the attention on really heavy to a guy and then you back off. He's going to (most likely) take what's being offered. Guys don't have a clue as to why you probably backed off and probably thought you weren't/or lost interested.

I'm glad you are surrounding yourself with better friends. I recently had to eliminate a close friend out of my life.........it was hard. But now things are so much more drama-free.

May 20, 2009

Maybe it's once again the generation gap??? Cause I'm in my 30's. Anyway I'm really sorry you've had to be exposed/go through that.

NO, b/c I'm fifty and have vivid memories of a college roomie doing that to me. She was very toned and very flexible and she would decide that it was time to do her "workout" whenevr I had a date over. By the time she got all the way down into her chinese split, his eyeballs were rolling on the floor. The final straw was when she got wind of the fact that the guy I'd had a huge crush on for almost 2 years had broken up w/ his GF (finally!) and she went out and got him and brought him to our house and made out w/ him on the couch all afternoon. I had the last laugh tho--he was a fundie Christian and wouldn't go to bed w/ her. Thinking back, due to the fundie part, he and i wouldn't have worked out anyway, but I was seeing red that day.

May 20, 2009

Thanks for the input goldencloud. If you've time can you be more specific? Say, you're at a party, you're talking to and flirting with a man you're attracted to. Another girl appears beside you, she takes over the conversation, she places her body between yours and his, she strokes his arm and so on. I mean, what do you do? Just stand there desperately trying to butt in? Go stand by his side and stroke his arm yourself????

I really don't think there's anything you can do to compete with such a woman. It's up to him to decide who he wants to focus his attention on. But at the same time, you need to preserve your dignity, so you can't sulk or push yourself closer.

TBF told a story about her fiance's reaction to such a woman. They were standing there chatting, and this very forward woman started coming on to him, complete with her paw on his arm. He kept looking down at her hand, and then at the woman, and then at the hand, and then at the woman, as though he couldn't fathom why she'd be interrupting them and putting her paws on him.

That's how a man behaves when he doesn't want to aggressive woman's attention, and is more focused on you.

May 20, 2009

So the question is...what do you do about the competition? I've talked to other female friends about this and we all agree that it feels undignified to enter into that bitchy fighting over one guy thing, and at the same time it feels horrible to let some other girl 'win' and simply walk away. How do you cope with this situation without resorting to bitchy cat-fighty behaviour yourself?

You don't do anything about the competition. You deal with the guy you like. The other woman has every right to pursue if she wants. What would you do? tell her to back off?

But honestly, if I felt like I had to fight to win a woman's affections if she is pitting me against another guy....I wouldn't bother. I'm not about letting a woman make me jump through hoops out of fear another man is in the picture. Either she is into me, or she isn't.

And if the guy really liked you wouldn't he not be distracted by woman number 2 who is flinging herself at him, or is it purely an instinctive reaction of 'wow this girl really obviously likes me, I'll go for her'.

exactly. question is, what is his reaction? is he playing it like either of you should fight for him? or is he into you and blowing her off without being a jerk about it?

May 20, 2009

I really don't think there's anything you can do to compete with such a woman. It's up to him to decide who he wants to focus his attention on. But at the same time, you need to preserve your dignity, so you can't sulk or push yourself closer.

TBF told a story about her fiance's reaction to such a woman. They were standing there chatting, and this very forward woman started coming on to him, complete with her paw on his arm. He kept looking down at her hand, and then at the woman, and then at the hand, and then at the woman, as though he couldn't fathom why she'd be interrupting them and putting her paws on him.

That's how a man behaves when he doesn't want to aggressive woman's attention, and is more focused on you.

The cocktail affair pirahna! She was classic!!

May 20, 2009

I guess for me really, when I think about it and after reading people's responses, is not about necessarily 'winning' the man, but dealing appropriately with the woman's behaviour, as in 'I see what you're trying to do here and I'm not letting you away with it'. Whether the man chooses me or her, is, in a strange way, of a lesser consequence, if that makes sense. It's about me somehow not always feeling kind of powerless against the Machiavellian plans of some other girl.

Thanks for all your comments, it's good to get a broad perspective on this. I can see the point of 'he wasn't for you' if he goes for the other girl, and yet, as others have pointed out, you will go for the person who seems interested in you, therefore simply bowing out and retaining dignity seems somehow wrong too, as then you're not showing interest, it's finding the balance between having a hair-pulling cat fight on the floor over some guy and simply skulking off and giving up.

MeMyselfandI, I'm in my 30's too, however...these things have happened through my 20's and 30's. And I do luckily now have lovely normal, supportive female friends who would not dare step on my toes, nor me theirs.

Where I originally come from there's a huge ratio difference between men and women, i.e. more women than men, take out men with girlfriends, married men, gay men, pure odd, weird men, elderly men and when a normal, single guy appears normal girls turn into man-eating crazy ladies, using any means necessary in order to score the rare prize - only worsened by the fact that those ladies are now in their 30's...well that's my explanation for it (that and them not being particularly nice people in the first place).

May 20, 2009

Life has taught me that no person is a prize worth fighting over, literally or figuratively. We're just not that important.

Both less and more important, to more precise. People just can't be owned like that.

May 20, 2009

I really don't think there's anything you can do to compete with such a woman. It's up to him to decide who he wants to focus his attention on. But at the same time, you need to preserve your dignity, so you can't sulk or push yourself closer.

TBF told a story about her fiance's reaction to such a woman. They were standing there chatting, and this very forward woman started coming on to him, complete with her paw on his arm. He kept looking down at her hand, and then at the woman, and then at the hand, and then at the woman, as though he couldn't fathom why she'd be interrupting them and putting her paws on him.

That's how a man behaves when he doesn't want to aggressive woman's attention, and is more focused on you.

I get what you're saying here, but I think 'fiance' is the key word and key difference. In scenarios 1 and 2 (and believe you me, there's been many more similar to that which I've experienced), you've met the guy for the first or maybe second time and someone else goes out to systematically destroy that initial spark from going anywhere. I would certainly hope that when someone is in a LTR or engaged that they would act like TBF's fiance or I'd be putting the wedding plans on hold

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How do you deal with another competetative woman who's also after the man you like?

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