Jay24 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 First and foremost, I want to thank everybody for many of the previous topics I've already lurked through in the midst of my own silly situation these past few months. In hindsight, I've not always applied the advice as well as I wish I would have or stuck to my guns 24/7/365, but you all have already helped me more than you know... to the point now where I'm almoooost completely clear of the relationship emotionally and just left with some "WTF" feelings. So thanks a lot. To the topic at hand... I really respect the opinions of some of the posters here, so I was hoping to get some feedback on my current ex situation. After reading so many posts on here, my situation seems both very typical and very atypical at the same time. But maybe it just seems that way because I'm "in" it. I don't feel down in the dumps anymore. I'm already past the point of being confused about whether I should be with my ex... so on and so forth... it's more about if anybody can get a read on HER and her feelings... because I'm kind of perplexed and I'd really like to get an unbiased grasp on the person I've been dealing with in my life.. both her past mental state and present mental state. Basically... WTF is up with this girl!??!? Not all of this reflects well on me either, but I want to be as honest as possible. I apologize in advance for the extreme length of this, but to give everyone a firm grasp of the situation and get accurate responses, I feel like I have to be in-depth. This might be the longest post in the history of this forum, and probably one of the most confusing and off-the-wall too. Forgive me.. haha. I'll try to make it as entertaining as possible, at least. Ok here.. goes.. So I went out with this girl for 6 months. I'm 26. She's 23. She was coming out of a 4 year drama-filled on-again off-again all-around-horrible relationship with the father of her child. Danger.. danger.. absolutely, and I knew it. But I was the optimist/arrogant, and I liked her enough and felt like if I handled the relationship appropriately, things could work out. She also said all the right things... like "not only am I still not in love with him, but honestly, I don't think I ever really truly loved him. I've just been doing my best to make that relationship work for the sake of our child. But I've come to realize that it's best to just split paths now and move on." Sounds reasonable to me. I'm not completely convinced, but I move forward. I absolutely had the highest of hopes for the relationship. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango. Initially, due to us both being very busy with our own lives.. traveling.. working.. school.. and so on, a vast majority of our first months of contact were through phone conversations and things of that sort. Also, I was completely guarded and cautious.. and put the brakes on her many times as far as taking the relationship to the next level.. to any physical level.. and to an "official" level. She was frustrated over this many times, but it seemed to make her want me even more. For example, she would flat-out demand to come over with the intention of getting physical with me, and I would flat-out refuse her... feeling it was too soon with her. I really felt a great connection on every level with this girl and I wanted to do things right.. not jump into something too quickly and either get burned or lose the relationship solely because we rushed into things and it turned into a fling. In truth, we were basically unofficially official for the first 5 months of our relationship. I could paint a very broad, vivid picture of this girl. She really has a lot of positive qualities. But I feel like for the point of all this.. getting some accurate feedback on the dramatics... her negative qualities are what's more important here. Just keep in mind that I'm not insane and some of these observations are in hindsight.. haha. I would describe her as extremely insecure, somewhat controlling, extremely jealous, and super high on the attention-whore scale. Yikes, but it is what it is. But altogether, on the surface, it seems like I'm a great match for her. I know how to deal with her, she knows how to deal with me, great chemistry in my eyes.. so on and so on. Occasionally I would have to put her in-check over something minor that she did that was common sense to me. It was like she had never been in a healthy functional relationship before. But I would tell her whatever, and she would listen to me. Sometimes it almost felt like I was teaching her how to be in a relationship.. very odd.. but I was comfortable with it. Occasionally she would get overly emotional over practically nothing... like spazzing out at me over eating the last chip or something. Scary characteristic. But on a day to day basis, we were like peanut butter and jelly as far as I was concerned. So our relationship progresses over time, and after 5 months of trying to slowly develop things, I finally feel comfortable with her. I let my guard down and give her what she wants. We became official, we become physical. We're cool.. great.. I'm great with her son, her son seems to love me.. it's like I'm on a big natural high. She's saying "I love you," I'm saying "I love you." Everything. So naaaturally, that's when it all goes downhill. Suddenly, everything is seemingly perfect on most levels.. but in regards to future planning and whatnot... I start hearing all the cliches.. "You're just... too good." "I dunno... I think I need some alone time to get my life straightened out." On and on.. until one day... "We're gonna have to take a break." All right out of the textbook. I'm definitely upset and it shows. I don't handle it as well as I could. But I'm more in shock than anything, because I thought I kiddie-gloved the relationship to the best of my abilities to make sure she left the past in the past. But yea.. at this point.. she's claiming that she needs to get her life in order, but that she also still loves me. She would do things like.. the day after our "break" began, I changed my relationship status on Facebook/MySpace back to single, and she complained to me about it. One night, she went out.. and called me the next day and told me in great detail about how certain male friends of hers "found out she was single, and suddenly were trying to put the moves on her.. very very aggressively. OMG! I can't believe it! They were coming onto me, trying to kiss me, touch me! hehehe!" That type of stuff. I was not down for this. Obviously her actions aren't matching up to her words. I call her out on it. And after much prodding, she admits that she's still "in love" with her ex... not me.. and that they're going to reconcile PRONTO. I'm completely stupified by this. In my head, our relationship was so good.. their relationship was so bad.. I was basically in shock I think. Because of all that, I handled things "well" with her. Pretty much too well. I knew that their relationship had no true long term hope and I told her that (calmly), but I said that I guess she was going to have to find that out on her own. I basically said "good luck" and said "we'll see what happens in the future." She gushed over what a great person I was... said she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would never talk to her again, so on and so on. She claims that she truly was honest with me the whole time, she didn't know that she loved him, she thought she was over him, she thought she loved me. But that over time with me, she started to have those types of feelings. It "wasn't your fault, wasn't my fault, it just happened." She said some odd things, like practically demanding that I wouldn't tell my family and friends the real reason we split up (I laughed). She also demanded that I completely cut all contact with her family and friends claiming that she would hear things about me through them in the future and it would make her feel jealous (I refused on the grounds that she left me, not vice versa, and that I had never done anything inappropriate to her. Surely I wouldn't be going out of my way to chat with them at this point, but some of us did grow close over time.. and I wasn't going to just pretend they didn't exist because of HER decision). In the days following the admission, but before her and her ex physically reunited (he was working out of town)... she called me more than she had at any time since the initial break-up. Probably 4 times a day. She would want to do things on the phone... like verbally re-enact our physical encounters, if you get my drift. I'm still reeling big time at this point, trying to catch my feet back to the ground. She would tell me things like "you know I'm always gonna be jealous over you no matter what" and "the thing is that I'm still talking to you even more than I'm talking to him (the ex)".. as if that's supposed to make me feel better. It's all very odd to me. But to her, I'm acting like.. like I disagree about her decision, but that I'm unaffected by it. I always asserted to her that I thought we were a much better match as a couple, but if there were still such big feelings for somebody else, it doesn't really matter. So they finally get back together.. and at that time, the phone calls stop. From 4 times a day... to not one call.. for a month and a half. She would text me maybe every week or every other week. Very hollow conversations.. 10 minutes long.. "how are you doing?" On the surface (to her) I was doing GREAT. But underneath, I was definitely hurting.. and the hollow conversations were more of a reminder of what I didn't have than anything positive that I was getting out of them. So after a month of this type of thing, I finally e-mailed her... took the high road again.. said basically "I wish you the best. But I still have too many feelings for you, so if this is your life now, we're not going to be friends at all. Let me know what's in your head." She reads the e-mail the next day, removes me from her MySpace top friends (very mature things here, I know), and doesn't respond. I take that as her answer, completely delete her from MySpace and things of that sort, and start moving on with my life. Two weeks later, she calls me. She has a few lame excuses for not getting back to me. She then asserts, "I want to be friends with you. I changed how I felt about you, and so I'll just wait for you to change how you feel about me. You'll fall in love with somebody else, and then we'll be friends." Ummm. I tell her that it doesn't work like that... that the ball is in my court now.. that I'll be the one deciding if we're gonna be friends. So we leave it at that and I don't expect to hear from her for awhile. But she calls me the very next night. And shockingly, she proceeds to tell me some of the most ridiculous stuff ever in the history of casual conversation. As if we're BFFs, she tells me in great detail about how things are going so great with her man and how they're totally open to the idea of having another baby! I don't quite blow up at her, but I do react negatively. I assert that that's a very bad decision for very many different reasons. Our conversation ends coldly. There weren't any words spoken about talking again, and she knew I was unhappy with her. After I got off the phone and regained my senses from the nonsense I just heard, I decide right then and there that I couldn't take hearing anything else like that. So that's when I make it a point to myself that I'm not gonna answer her calls or respond to her in any way from that point on. As a sidebar, around this time I had a couple of short conversations with her sister about the situation. Her sister and I had grown close fairly quickly when her and I were dating. A brother/sister type of relationship. We have kept in contact to some extent through everything. But after the break-up, I made it a point to never talk about the relationship with her sister in the instances when I did talk to her. I think it would have been uncomfortable for both of us. But after the last phone conversation with the girl, I mentioned in passing that I probably wouldn't be talking to her sister ("my girl") anymore due to her saying inappropriate things to me. The sister herself told me... "(My sister) is crazy... you know how she is. You never really know with that girl. But I'm glad that I got to meet such a great person through her. No matter what happens, you know I'm here! But you should just forget about her. I'm sure you will find someone who will love you more than she did or whatever, and you'll love that person back more than you loved her. You guys should just not talk at all anymore. Delete her off of everything and just stop talking. It will be all better before you even know it. It's not your fault, not mine, not hers. ::Bleep:: happens. You just have to know how to deal with it. But remember, she's my sister man. I don't want you to hate her. No grudges please!" I thank her for her nice words, and tell her that I won't hold any longterm grudges... I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me.. but just that I'm bothered about certain little things, like how the girl was always paranoid about my ex for absolutely no reason and then left me for HER EX. I told her that I had already pretty much cut-off all contact and that I think I understand what's going on. Her sister replied, "Ahhhhh! This is crazy! It's driving me crazy just reading about it, just thinking about it. It even makes me tear up! I'm sorry everything ended how it did, but I'm glad our friendship isn't destroyed over this." Sidebar #2... a week or so after that conversation with the sister, the same sister messages me again and sends me a message from their MOM. According to her, their MOM tells the sister to tell me this: "Hi! I just want to tell you that I adore you and appreciate you a lot. No matter what happens, I will still feel the same way." I send a message saying that I feel the same way, and that I truly appreciated being welcomed into the family so warmly, everything she did, the cooking. And that I felt sincere, loving, mother-in-law treatment from her and it will always mean a lot to me. The mom replies "don't worry... I still have a daughter here that is single (the sister), so I could still be your mother-in-law." Laughs are had by all. She tells me that I'm welcome at their house anytime, and that if I ever want her to stir up a meal for me, just let her know. I don't know if anybody can read anything into any of this, but it does provide some depth as to the views of other people towards me during the relationship. Now back to the main story.... I'm on the "no contact" tip, as you remember... The next time the girl calls is two weeks later. No answer. Then a week after that. No answer. Then a few days later. No answer. Then a few more days later. No answer. Then it starts to be daily. No answer. Then she sends an e-mail, "I didn't know that you deleted me from your MySpace. Oh well. What's new with you?" No response. It all intensifies more and more. No answer. No answer. Another e-mail... "why aren't you answering my calls or responding to my e-mails?!? I really need to know what's in your head!" No response. Then she starts calling every morning and evening. Then every morning, afternoon, evening. No answer. No answer. No answer. Finally the breaking point... she starts leaving messages on my answering machine one Tuesday. "Hey. I see that you're not answering my calls. But I really need to talk to you. So please call me back. Ok? Bye." She starts sending me texts a few hours later. First in the same vain as the voicemails. But then, they turn into "You're pissing me off. Talk to me. I need you. I miss you too. Call me." After sitting on it for a few hours, I text her back saying the same things that I've said before. "It hurts me to be friends with you, I still have too many feelings. We're not gonna be friends." She replies back.. "Ok, I understand. You won't be hearing from me again, I promise. And if me telling you that I'm not happy will make you feel better, then I'm letting you know that I'm not happy. Bye Jay." I call her. We get into the same stuff on the phone. She immediately tries to turn it into me being the bad guy... like I'm a jerk for not "just answering the phone and telling me that we can't be friends instead of making me feel like an idiot." But I'd already told her that many times! I expected maybe a sad girl, maybe an understanding girl. But she was pretty much completely rude.. and carried an attitude like "oh... that's how it is? Well that's fine.. doesn't really matter to me." We say final goodbyes. I'm suuuuper-angered at her lack of understanding and her mean attitude... and the longer I'm off the phone with her, the more it builds. So I text her something about "I did so much for you and cared so much for you. The way you acted just proved to me that you don't really care about me at all, and I'll never forget that." She calls me three times, but I don't answer. She texts me "God, you're pissing me off for real now. I did care about you and I'm still caring, so please don't say that I didn't. I would love to still talk to you, but you don't want to and I understand that. Don't be too mean please." I sit on this text for hours too. Later in the night, I send out a long text... basically pour my heart out.. tell her about the mistake she's making, tell her I'll never agree with it, but that it's her mistake to make, tell her how much she hurts me, tell her again why we're not gonna be friends, tell her that I'm out of her life.. again again again. Ask her why does she keep doing this? "Is it because I'm something that's too special for you to forget?" As nicely, but as clearly as possible... I say all of these things. Say my final goodbye AGAIN. She does not respond. The next morning, she sends a text. "I'm sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you. I will always think about you. Take care." I don't respond. Sounds like a final goodbye from her end too, right? Cool. But no. That very night, she texts me AGAIN. "Are you awake?" Me - "Yes. What is up?" Her - "Just thinking about you." Me - "what about me?" Her - "Thinking about everything you told me last night." I just respond that all I can say is that I only tell the truth, just like I always have. No response from her. Next afternoon.. she texts me.. first text says "Do you think I suck in bed?" WTF. I tell her that she's an idiot for asking that.. she's fine.. don't think stupid stuff like that. She goes "you're the best. ok.. thanks.. I won't. just problems, you know." Then we text back and forth for a little bit.. she's totally flirty. Back and forth.. and then the conversation ends. The next morning.. a friday morning... she sends me a bunch of love and kisses on the net.. like those graphic types of things that people on MySpace use. And she sends me a song... Beyonce "Halo"... which if you don't know (I didn't), but it's real mushy one.. like "My walls are coming down, you're the one, blah blah blah" "I can see your halo, I've got my angel now." I don't really respond or anything, I just take it all in. Then that Saturday night, she calls me at 4am.. not completely drunk, not completely sober. I didn't answer at first, but she kept calling me back over and over. I answer, and she's like "this world is BS! Life is BS! Oh my god.. life is :::bleeping:: BS!" I'm all like... half-asleep.. and totally not believing her dramaticisms.. I'm like "relax. the world is not BS. what's the matter? what happened?" She's like "You already know!! You already know!!" (I don't.) I just throw out a guess... "what did he do?" She's like "you already know!" I go "well tell me what he did." But there are people in the room (I hear them) and she says she doesn't want to get into specifics right then.. and that she'll call me later to tell me. So she sleeps and wakes up and calls me in the middle of the afternoon... and she's like "heeey.. ummm.. about last night.. I know I was saying some crazy stuff, but.. just.. don't worry.. I'm not thinking like that anymore. Everything is ok now. Don't worry about it." So I'm like "well that's good. But what happened?" She's like "umm.. well.. I heard some stuff about him from some people, but we already talked about it... it wasn't true.. it's ok now, we worked it out." Then she told me her plans for the rest of the night and that was it. Annoying. I have another conversation with her sister that night, mentioned that the girl had called me in the middle of the night. The sister is like "woooaah.. saying what?" I said "not much, and I don't want to speculate. Just letting you know to keep an eye out on her, make sure she's cool. I think she has a lot of different mixed feelings going on in her head." Her sister replies, "Yea.. I know. That's what I think too." I sent the girl an e-mail later that night... a Sunday night.. trying to pick at her to figure out what her deal is... just throwing out a bunch of stuff like "c'mon.. why are you callng me? What's in your head? Why now? Why me? Do you love me or something?" type of stuff. Just throwing random stuff out there and seeing if anything sticks. She read it, but didn't respond. She texted me first thing Monday morning.. but my phone reception or something was out.. so I didn't get anything until Tuesday afternoon. She sent me a couple of more texts on Monday (that I didn't get until Tuesday afternoon).. like "why aren't you responding to my texts????" I responded on Tuesday afternoon... general chit-chat.. then she suddenly goes "so do you already know what you're doing with your life?" Like.. my future plans and stuff. I give her a canned answer and ask why she asked. She says "just wondering silly." More general chit-chat. She tells me about going on a vacation.. mentions all the people that went except for her guy (I knew he went). Wednesday afternoon.. she sends me more love and kisses on the net. She calls me on her lunch break. More general chit-chat. But I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with the whole situation. It's not right for 10000 different reasons. I'm trying to figure out where she's going with all this, but I'm making a strong effort to not be a friend to her... like pushing her buttons.. being flirty.. making sure to make non-friend comments at every opportunity, basically... to try to get something out of her.. good or bad. She gets off the phone from her lunch break.. and proceeds to text me immediately.. and for the rest of the time she was at work. I was responding extra-slowly on purpose... slooooowly.. not into it, but trying to see where she wants this to lead. Mostly boring chit-chat. Talk about her sleeping pattern and stuff. She acknowledges my e-mail, but doesn't share an opinion of it. Then she leaves work (and goes home to her man) and thus.. the texting is over. But at her bedtime (I guess) she texts.. "good night." I'm at my wits end at that point... like what the hell does she want? I'm absolutely not down to be "the other man" or anything resembling that. So the next day.. last Thursday.. she does the saaaame routine. Texts me around noontime.. BFF chit-chat. But I'm not really down for it at all at this point. She makes a comment about going on a vacation in two weeks.. I respond with a smart remark about it being my vacation that she's taking.. She calls me immediately and goes "Are you serious?!?!? Maybe we really can't be friends!" like she's shocked and offended that I said that. I'm like "No kidding! we can't be friends, I've told you that 10000 times now!" Then we get into eveeeerything... everything about her relationship with her guy. She basically tells me all the reasons why it will work out and I respond with... logic.. and facts.. reasons why it will never work in the long run. She's defensive... she says every cliche you could imagine from a girl looking to give her guy every single opportunity in the world whether it's deserved or not. "He's changed. I've changed. I know how to be a good girlfriend now. He knows how to be a good man now. We opened up completely, got everything out on the table... we decided to have a fresh clean-slate new start." All that stuff. I respond with more logic.. but it's like whatever at this point.. what's the point? I go.. "ok.. so then tell me.. you're calling me and stuff.. so how do you feel about me now?" And she goes "I feel about you the way I felt about my ex when I was with you." Ummm.. what??? I can't even wrap my mind around that comment, but I'm pretty much done with it at this point. She tells me that she really wants to be friends with me and that she really cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me. We get off the phone.. and she starts texting immediately. She says "I think my relationship is going to work.. and I really want it to work. But I feel bad that you're going through this because of me. I would like to be your friend, but I know it's hard for you. I care a lot about you and it's hurting me that you're feeling bad." I sent her a super long text in response where I ended things.. AGAIN. I said that I understand why she wants her relationship to work, but that it's like putting a square block in a circular hole. It just won't work. I tell her that obviously she's already not that happy, because if she's happy and fulfilled then why is she even having contact with me? I'm sure he doesn't want her to. Told her that she can't fool me. Told her that she needs something a lot bigger and greater and more compatible than what she's getting now and that she's gonna end up miserable at this rate if she doesn't make changes in her life.. starting with inside her mind. Told her that obviously she has feelings for me and I don't know why she doesn't admit it. Told her that she really did basically turn on me.. and that it was not right or justified.. and that it wasn't about being with me or him or anybody else.. it was about how you treat people through the process.. and that she needs to learn from this and never treat anyone like that again. Reiterated that we can't be friends.. and to try to make her get it.. AGAIN. Compared it to the boss of a company getting relegated to the lowest position.. doesn't work like that.. boss has to leave the company.. Said basically.. life isn't bull, it's your choices that control what your life becomes.... you made your choice, you chose him over me.. that's it.. it's final.. for good. If you end up leaving him, then maybe I'll acknowledge you again. But until then, I'm never talking to you. It works out for you.. because if he's truly right for you.. then you've got everything you need right there and won't need me. And since you say that you don't have thooose types of feelings for me, then it's not that big of a deal to lose me. And that if you do by chance contact me again.. I hope you first give me a super big apology for all the BS and admit that I was right. But this is it for me. Have a nice life. Best wishes. Laaaater. I was just throwing all kinds of stuff out there. She didn't respond with anything. Then 24 hours later.. last Friday afternoon.. I see that she's changed her online status to "Sad ." I remove her.. from eveeerything that I hadn't removed before. Then a little bit later, she texts me.. "I didn't like what you wrote. Jay, you're wrong. I never turned on you. I always told you the truth. You can't tell me that things are going to end badly with me and him, because you don't know everything and you're not right all the time." Cool.. whatever. I don't respond. Then all of a sudden... at like midnight... she calls my house with a blocked number. I answer and it's her and she's druuuunnnkk.... she says that I'm mean for not responding to her text and not wanting to be her friend. She basically admits that she's not happy with him, "go ahead and tell me that you told me so!" It allll starts pouring out. She tells me all about their problems, this and that, none-too-shocking of course, but a looot of details. She feels like he doesn't want her like he used to, she's suddenly realizing that the age difference could be a problem, and on and on. I'm calm, indifferent. But also somewhat nice... I give her wise words.. tell her to relax and stuff basically and figure out her life and she'll be fine. She starts going on and on about how she doesn't need a man, that she just needs to be single, that she guesses that being a good girlfriend still isn't in her, that she just needs her son and herself and that's it.. that she doesn't need him, me, or any man. On and on.... "men I can just use for sex, I don't need a relationship." Real drunk talk. I'm like.. "oooooook.. relax.. shut up." I'm getting tired of hearing everything, and at this point, I want to get into why she's calling ME. She's driving me insane. After all, I had.. with legit intent.. squashed everything with her the day before, as far as I was concerned. I ask her why is it that she got what she wanted in the end and I didn't, but yet I'm happier than her now. She goes into "I guess that's my life. I'm the one that's always miserable." Yea yea. I say "I told you we were finished talking. So why did you call ME tonight?" She goes "oh... I knew you would be up and you're the only one available to listen to my :::bleep:::." I about hang up on her right then, but I really want to push it with her at this point... there's nothing to lose. After allll of this nonsense, maybe it's finally time to turn the tables a tad bit. I tell her that I don't believe that... and I just start going.. "you know what it is??? I think you're in love with me!!" She starts going "I don't love you! I don't love you! You're wrong! And you're only hurting yourself by thinking that!" I'm just on a roll now. "You're in love with me... just admit it." "No. NO. I want to be your friend." "Well, we're never gonna be friends. Especially since you're in love with me." That type of thing. It goes on and on. I say "so you'd be cool with being friends if I'm messing around with this girl and that girl?" She goes "Yep.. I'll tell you.. 'she loves you,' 'she doesn't,' so on and so on." I say "that's not happening. I don't believe you. And why would I put a future g/f through the drama of worrying about my ex-g/f talking to me anyways? You sure had a problem with MY ex when we were together, and I hadn't even talked to her in forever!" She blows it off.. keeps saying how she wants to be friends. "Even if him and I aren't a match, you and I aren't a match either!" I'm like "oh yea... do tell." She claims that we're different... that "you're too good and I'm too bad." So I start pushing around.... I go.. " look at it this way... If we're friends.. and you're single... would you want to have sex with me?" She goes "Like friends with benefits? Sure! But I don't want to be with you." She was all about "I don't need a man! I'm just gonna live on my own! Thats what I need!" I'm like "So you would want to sex me... and you obviously reeeeallly want to be friends with me, but you don't have certain types of feelings for me? You're in love with me!" And she's like "No! I'm telling you the truth! I'm not. Please just think about being friends with me." And I go "Well that's not gonna happen. How about you think about how in love with me you are and then call me back tomorrow?" So we get off the phone... She calls me Saturday afternoon.. and I do answer since I told her to call me. It was basically the same conversation... except she was sober this time. it got a little more nasty. The first thing I said (to test her and see how much I could get away with).... I go "Hey... whenever he goes to bed later tonight.. call me." And to my amazement.. she basically more-or-less agreed to it. But then we just got back into the same old stuff. I said she was in love with me.. she vowed that she wasn't. She even started saying stuff like "Even if I leave him, I would NEVER be with you! You probably think that I'm gonna leave him and then come around to you after some time, realize that I love you or something... but you're soooo wrong.. you're just kidding yourself! We're not a good match! We don't fit! You're only hurting yourself!" I'm like "haha.. that's where you're wrong.. I'm not hurting myself, because I'm already over it and I've already moved on in my head. And I'm finally moving on with my heart too." So then I'm basically like.. "You knooow..... ok.. no... I still don't believe you. Youre in love with me!" And she.. again.. reiterates... "I just want to be friends!!!! My boyfriend and I aren't a match, but you and I aren't either!" I dare her to cite examples. She comes up with nothing. Whatever. I go... again.. "If we were both single and you saw me.. would you want to sex me?" And she goes "Well yea.. but that's normal.. you're hot.. it doesn't mean I want to be with you." And I go.. "No.. wait.. so you would sex me. Annnnd obviously you like my personality and stuff since you want to be friends sooo badly right?" And she's like "well yea." So then I'm like... "gee.. sex, friendship.. we must be a match in your eyes. The third thing is the emotional tie... now obviously you have feelings for your man.. surely more than you do for me. But you're still calling me and texting me all the time. So to me... you want my body, you want my mind, you're calling me all the time.... I'd have to say... you're in love with me!!" And she's like.. blowing a gasket at this point.. like "NO I'm NOT!" So I'm like "ok.. I dont believe you. So you're gonna have to prove it to me. I told you that we were never gonna be friends.. and thus.. we're never gonna talk.. ever. It's all or nothing with me. You don't have feelings for me huh? Fine. Then don't eveer eveeer have contact with me again. Never ever ever. This is our last conversation. Dont talk to me again." She goes "Ok... well then I'm not calling tonight." And I go.. "No.. you don't have feelings for me, right? So then... you're not calling... EVER!" She sounds annoyed, says she has to go, we say "bye" and that is thaaaaat. All caught up to today. I haven't heard from her since that day, Saturday afternoon. I know, on my end, that I just have to be done with it. But as far as I'm concerned, this is like the ultimate crazy drama.. and maybe somebody can read this and take some of the words given hereafter and stop themselves before they make a lot of the mistakes that I have. I feel alternately involved and uninvolved, clear-headed and completely confused. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching a soap opera or a tornado and don't even realize that I'm in it. But then again, it seems to be all inside of her anyways. In the time that we've been broken up, I've called her ZERO times and rarely instigated any kind of conversation.. especially compared to what she has done. I have zero intention to call her or text her or annnytthiiing ever again. But it's like I just went through a car crash.. I've dusted myself off... looked back over the wreckage.. and wondered "what is up with all that?" So.. can any sane individual tell me.. what the heck do you make out of all this? I was making a lot of bold statements at the end.. but I definitely don't have a legit understanding of what her deal is.. I was just trying to get her goat more than anything. She's so hot and cold, nice and mean, so on and on on.. it's more like she loves me aannd hates me. There is so much swirling around this girl... that geez.. the one thing I do wonder is.. what is the real deal? Can anyone give me some clarity.. what's in this girl's head? What is she up to? Why does she insist on being friends with me? If she has no deeper feelings for me, then why is she being so difficult about letting go and leaving me alone? Why the rudeness the other day.. "I'd never be with you!" Is she completely using me? Does she actually have feelngs? What's going on? Do you think she's finally going to stop contacting me now? What the heck is up with this chick? I NEVER would have imagined that it would go as far as it has. Life lessons to take to heart. I know that due to love and bad judgment, I didn't always represent myself well throughout this situation. I really did get into a "save the girl" type of mindset.. I genuinely did care too much for her. But I feel like my heart was always in the right place. At the same time, I feel relieved to be (mostly) emotionally out of the situation now. I know it's time to look to the future. But I would like some opinions first about what I've been through and who I've been dealing with, and NOT my or her opinion. The opinions of the unbiased, especially if you've experienced or even been a person like this in the past. I'm hoping that you unbiased folks can see things that I'm missing, so I can understand all of this. Because I really don't. Thank you guys, especially if you actually made it through all of this. Apologize for the bad format... I was just typing as I was going. And honestly, I probably typed this faster than it takes to read it.. lol. Apologies in advance. This was almost cathartic for me to put into words, and that alone makes me feel better about the whole thing no matter what. Thanks guys.
Ayla Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 This GIRL is a mother????? Who is looking after the child when she is out?? She acts child herself. To be honest, she has massive issues and needs help. You need to get her out of your life completely. Change your phone numbers asap. I don't generally like to say this-but she is a psycho. I am sorry that she is doing this to you. Please change your numbers, she is not healthy for you or your new life.
robinincarolina Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Emotional roller coaster are not a fun ride. What is this woman doing to your self worth. The relationship is unhealthy and no matter how much you try and analyze it, it will never make sense. Think about what you want out of a relationship. I am sure if you are honest with yourself, this is not it. She is playing your emotions and you are going to lose yourself and who you are in all this. You sound like a great guy. You will love again, next time though watch out for those warning flags. Best of luck to you. I have been there and I will never go back. I like myself way too much for all that drama.
Ronni_W Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 So.. can any sane individual tell me.. what the heck do you make out of all this? Hey Jay. Confession #1 -- I am NOT a "sane individual" . Confession #2 -- I didn't read every word of your post. My observations and (mis)interpretations: You are BOTH hot and cold, nice and mean, loving and hating each other. You are as controlling as you believe her to be, but your way of going about it just looks so different (to you) that you're not recognizing it. You're calling it "how to deal with her, putting her in-check, teaching her." You're telling yourself that when YOU chose to have sex and make it 'official', you were (just) giving her what she wanted. That's BS -- you'd been THRIVING on making her wait until YOU were ready; feeling as if you were making her hotter for you by playing hard to get. You're BOTH heavily into drama...and seemingly perfectly suited to playing this "serve and volley; attack and retreat" game that you guys have been playing. You're feeding each other's deepest dysfunctional stuff just absolutely perfectly. Yes? Question for you isn't what is going on in HER head (that's HER question for herself.) The question, Jay, is WTF is going on in YOUR head? Possibly it is that you haven't explored what you are getting out of staying in contact with her? Because, IMO, you are getting a LOT out of it...HUGE benefits on a number of levels. And it's kind of the same game that you guys played before you had sex and made it 'official', isn't it? Was a good ego boost for you back then -- all sexy, powerful and in control you felt yourself to be -- and maybe it just is that now, too? The comment that she made that you can't wrap your head around -- it's cos she KNOWS that is the kind of comment that you get off on...you are letting her push your buttons by pretending that you don't know what your buttons are, or how you respond (love it AND hate it) when they get pushed. You are selectively CHOOSING what to feel confused about (your own contribution and benefits), and what to have clarity on. Actually. Maybe at this point it's that you're in a love-hate relationship with yourself? Cos obviously there is torture on one side of things...self-induced torture...and then the other side is, "Man, I sure do get some good zingers out...and obviously this crazy chick is digging me big-time." (Not necessarily exactly like that...but whatever are your specific ego-boosting facts of the matter.) To me, I think you'll extricate yourself from this drama-filled mess when you stop deriving so many benefits...or when you become conscious of how screwed up it is for you to derive benefits from such a drama-filled mess...or something else. I think.
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