marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 is doing to me!!! My MM was my boss, i was in love with him right from the beggining but i didn't say anything for 4 /2 years becuse he looked like someone whom won't have an affair. Finally one day he got the courage and kiss me and my nightmare started. He was always confused, afraid to be found since his wife family are part owner of his company. We spent almost two years in a on-off relationship. We broke up may times that i lost count but either one of us would started the roller coster again. We would have sex,then two days later a fight and then we would sit for hours and talked about why was bad to be with each other. We also were very possesive and had jealous fight all the time!!! I got a nervous breakdown and i got so burn out that i lost my job(we decided that i could not work for him anymore since it was killing both of us) He gave me enough money and i decided to moved away to another country. I moved and eventhough i was very far away we kept in contact!!! i came back a few months ago and i had tried to be strong and I havetold this man many times that i can't be with him!!! He go away only for a month and then try again to talk me into being with him!! i still love him but when i was away i finally understood that i can't be with him and i have to move on with my life. Today he came to my place and we had sex again!! it was very intensed but i told him that he needs to give me up and move on with his life!! pleaseee help i need to get him away from my life!!! please someone tell me why this man keep coming back even after he almost destroy my life and when he also know that if he wife found out he'll lose everything!! I can't do this anymore!!! helppp!!!!
Author marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 oh i forgot to mention that since i gave everything up when i moved to another country when i came back to my city I have to start my life from zero.
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I'm not sure what your actual question is, but what you need to do is something we call "No Contact" NC for short. Have you heard that phrase before?
Author marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 WILD i have tried so many time NC with him but he always find a way into my life!! my question is why is he coming back after so much had happened between us?? after him & I almost lost our sanity and i have to move to another country...why is he coming back??
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 WILD i have tried so many time NC with him but he always find a way into my life!! my question is why is he coming back after so much had happened between us?? after him & I almost lost our sanity and i have to move to another country...why is he coming back?? You two are addicted to each other. There is no other option for you except to go NC. If you've tried "so many times" then it's time to get professional help. I don't say that to discourage you from posting here. It's just you seem REALLY addicted, so much so that you think you can't stop him from contacting you. Clearly he's not stalking you without your letting him. You haven't filed police reports. This is a case of two people addicted to each other. Only YOU can end it. I strongly suggest you look into Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous because they are one of the few places that understand love addiction, won't be shocked at the extent you're hooked, and it's FREE. They even have telephone conference & chat meetings if there isn't a group in your area. Google it. Another recommendation for you is the book called, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Steve Halpren. I'm sorry you're suffering. Asking any questions about him (such as why does he keep coming back) isn't going to do you good. You need to be asking questions about you and why you keep letting him back in, even though you've sufferred terrible consequences.
Author marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 wild oh my God you told me what i have been thinking for a long time...it is that we both are addicted to each other!! YES IT IS LIKE A DRUG FOR US...WE CAN'T KEEP AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A FIX EVETHOUGH WE KNOW IT CAN BE DANGEROUS For us!! And yes when we are together we basically devoured each other!! i'll read the book thanks again and please i need more advised like this:lmao:
White Flower Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 is doing to me!!! My MM was my boss, i was in love with him right from the beggining but i didn't say anything for 4 /2 years becuse he looked like someone whom won't have an affair. Finally one day he got the courage and kiss me and my nightmare started. He was always confused, afraid to be found since his wife family are part owner of his company. We spent almost two years in a on-off relationship. We broke up may times that i lost count but either one of us would started the roller coster again. We would have sex,then two days later a fight and then we would sit for hours and talked about why was bad to be with each other. We also were very possesive and had jealous fight all the time!!! I got a nervous breakdown and i got so burn out that i lost my job(we decided that i could not work for him anymore since it was killing both of us) He gave me enough money and i decided to moved away to another country. I moved and eventhough i was very far away we kept in contact!!! i came back a few months ago and i had tried to be strong and I havetold this man many times that i can't be with him!!! He go away only for a month and then try again to talk me into being with him!! i still love him but when i was away i finally understood that i can't be with him and i have to move on with my life. Today he came to my place and we had sex again!! it was very intensed but i told him that he needs to give me up and move on with his life!! pleaseee help i need to get him away from my life!!! please someone tell me why this man keep coming back even after he almost destroy my life and when he also know that if he wife found out he'll lose everything!! I can't do this anymore!!! helppp!!!! He is coming back because you keep letting him. He came today and today you gave him sex. You cannot answer his calls, emails, or visits of any kind. Trust me, I was an OW too. He knows what you'll offer him and he will take it every time. So, DON'T OFFER IT TO HIM! You started your life from zero because you allowed his marriage and business to be a priority in HIS life. What about YOUR life? It is time to make YOU important. It is up to you. Good luck.
Author marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 yes it is true I need to put my priority straight just like he has done! he has a normal life with his wife , kids, job and big house while i have nothing!! I need to lost him just like i lose everything else from my 'former' life!! Thanks everyone again i need tohear more advise
fooled once Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 You are allowing him back in your life. Use the word NO. And don't have sex with him anymore. If he comes around again, let him know you will tell his wife. If you REALLY wanted to stop this, you would.
Author marytierra Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 thanks everyone for you feed back. I'm really going to try my best for stop contact with him!!
Owl Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Delete your old email addresses, IM accounts, home phone #s, mobile phone #s, etc... Make it very difficult for him to contact you remotely. If at all possible...relocate so that he can't find you physically either.
Author marytierra Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 owl i had tried the moving away from him...even to another country for almost a year and the man was still in my life!! so thats out the questions. I'll stop answering his text and i'll block him from my phone
jwi71 Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 Now YOU are making excuses. The solution is simple...DON'T RESPOND. He calls...block him. If you cannot block him...IGNORE him. He emails...block him. Then delete. IF you can't block him...then simplt delete it and move on. Sorry...but YOU have to REALIZE YOU keep responding. Question for you is why? Why ANSWER?
Owl Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 owl i had tried the moving away from him...even to another country for almost a year and the man was still in my life!! so thats out the questions. I'll stop answering his text and i'll block him from my phone HOW was he in your life, if you were in another country? There is only one answer...because you LET him in! He can't get in if YOU BLOCK HIS WAY. That's the problem here...it's not him coming to you...it's you letting him do so, and not taking active measures to PREVENT it. Here's the thing...next time he contacts you...tell him point blank that if he does so again, for ANY reason...you go to his wife with the whole thing. Make it clear that you mean it. And DO it if he violates that boundary. Because frankly he's not going to change until he suffers a consequence...that's the bottom line. Until you actually enforce the boundary with him...he's got no reason to believe that you really didn't want him to come back. If he's been SUCCESSFUL in coming back all those other times, you've set a pattern. You have to BREAK the pattern to make a change.
2sunny Posted May 21, 2009 Posted May 21, 2009 HOW was he in your life, if you were in another country? There is only one answer...because you LET him in! He can't get in if YOU BLOCK HIS WAY. That's the problem here...it's not him coming to you...it's you letting him do so, and not taking active measures to PREVENT it. Here's the thing...next time he contacts you...tell him point blank that if he does so again, for ANY reason...you go to his wife with the whole thing. Make it clear that you mean it. And DO it if he violates that boundary. Because frankly he's not going to change until he suffers a consequence...that's the bottom line. Until you actually enforce the boundary with him...he's got no reason to believe that you really didn't want him to come back. If he's been SUCCESSFUL in coming back all those other times, you've set a pattern. You have to BREAK the pattern to make a change. the highlighted things above are of particular help IF YOU intend to make a difference this time. YOU are the only one that can set a boundary that keeps you happy, healthy and safe. STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARY. he's never going to stay away - not until his wife finds out and he suffers some serious consequences - then you will see that he will toss you aside for the sake of keeping his wife. YOU are the only one who will look out for your future and your best interest. he will always look after himself. move forward. you deserve to have a happy life and happy future. you can find happiness on your own, no need to depend on him for anything. you are strong... take your power back as a woman, you will be proud of yourself for it.
Author marytierra Posted May 22, 2009 Author Posted May 22, 2009 owl he used to call me at least once or twice a month...and @mail me. I came back here for a week and he insisted in see me and i gave in. We only met for lunch that time though. When i came back we had a long conversation and i told him everything that i was too afraid to say before. I thought that that would scare him away but he kept coming into my life. We hardly had had sex since i came back sooo thats why i don't understand what he wants!!! I also told him two months ago to leave me alone and i was very strong about that i didn't want him in my life and that i was not going to have sex w/ him. He stayed away but kept texting to see if i was ok. And then susprise he just showed up in my door two days ago!! I can't go to his family becuase I met them while i was working for him and they got to be closed to me. His wife family knew me and came to care for me. Sooo that would really be too painful for them to find out that i was not the type of girl that they thought i was. when i moved to the other country I stopped all conctact with them because i felt too guilty all the time since they were too nice to me. So i finally saw a opportunity to get away from them. He always calling or texting after a few weeks goes by to make sure that i'm ok. If don't respond he keep insisting to let him know if i'm ok. But i made up my mind i'm going to cut him off completely even if he insist. I can't keep living this life!! Someone asked me why i kept let him in?? well i met him right after college, I was young and he became my mentor. He taught me everything i know in our field, he even paid tuition for me to do a program in a very expensive college here so that i learnt about the business even more. He became my whole life for 6 years!!! yes even way before we started our relationship he was very involved in my life. This man has been very close to me for almost 8 years now. Sooo please keep telling me good way to avoid him. The telling his family is out the questions for above reason
Owl Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 owl he used to call me at least once or twice a month...and @mail me. I came back here for a week and he insisted in see me and i gave in. We only met for lunch that time though. When i came back we had a long conversation and i told him everything that i was too afraid to say before. I thought that that would scare him away but he kept coming into my life. Note the bolded parts. Note that these are actions that required YOU to allow them to be effective. He called you...but if you'd blocked his number, you never would have known. He emailed you...but if you'd blocked his email addresses...or better yet, deleted your old email account and started a new one that he wouldn't have known about...you never would have known he tried to contact you. In other words...you let him in. You didn't take active measures to end the affair at all...you passively hoped he would go away...which NEVER works. We hardly had had sex since i came back sooo thats why i don't understand what he wants!!! I also told him two months ago to leave me alone and i was very strong about that i didn't want him in my life and that i was not going to have sex w/ him. He stayed away but kept texting to see if i was ok. And then susprise he just showed up in my door two days ago!! Clearly, you weren't nearly strong enough. You'd already shown him that you'd cave in if he just showed up at your door. He KNEW that he could do this, you'd cave, he'd get what he wanted from you, and there would be NO repercussions for him at all. He wouldn't suffer for it...on the contrary, he'd get exactly what he wanted out of the deal. Again...passive measures will never work with a man like this. I can't go to his family becuase I met them while i was working for him and they got to be closed to me. His wife family knew me and came to care for me. Sooo that would really be too painful for them to find out that i was not the type of girl that they thought i was. when i moved to the other country I stopped all conctact with them because i felt too guilty all the time since they were too nice to me. So i finally saw a opportunity to get away from them. Here's where you're getting confused. You're not hurting them by telling them the truth. You've ALREADY hurt them, by having the affair with him. That's DONE already...the damage is already there. Don't confuse telling them with hurting them...you've ALREADY hurt them, they just don't know it yet. Telling them isn't hurting them...it's giving them the chance to know the truth...the chance to make decisions based on ALL the information, rather than not knowing what's really going on. He always calling or texting after a few weeks goes by to make sure that i'm ok. If don't respond he keep insisting to let him know if i'm ok. But i made up my mind i'm going to cut him off completely even if he insist. I can't keep living this life!! Of course he is. This is how he keeps you on the hook. This is how he keeps you right where he wants you...available for whatever he wants. And...clearly it's working!!! Someone asked me why i kept let him in?? well i met him right after college, I was young and he became my mentor. He taught me everything i know in our field, he even paid tuition for me to do a program in a very expensive college here so that i learnt about the business even more. He became my whole life for 6 years!!! yes even way before we started our relationship he was very involved in my life. This man has been very close to me for almost 8 years now. Sooo please keep telling me good way to avoid him. The telling his family is out the questions for above reason So what. So he was in your life for these years. All he's done is basically "paid you" for "services rendered" by paying your tuition, mentoring you, etc... The "good way to avoid him" is to do exactly that...take active measures to remove him from your life. Not passive ones that he knows won't stick. He knows that you'll cave...he knows that you don't have any kind of firm boundaries with him...so he knows that if he pushes it, you'll drop your boundaries and end up right back where things were again. Stop giving him all the power, all the control. Stop making excuses for what's gone on for so long. Start OWNING your part of this affair...and start making real, positive changes to do the right thing, instead of just letting him do whatever he wants with you. Own your choice to be in an affair with him. Own your choice to END it with him too.
jj33 Posted May 22, 2009 Posted May 22, 2009 Mary you need to decide that you are putting yourself first. I work with xMM. He has tried to come many times. He has not been successful. Why? because I say NO. Un The last few times I had to say no in language that I would have preferred not to use with him. But it was necessary. And subsequent to that, as necessary I have reinterated it again and again. You are not a passive victim here. You have a choice. Either you want to be out of it or you dont. What he is thinking is that he is invincible. You are a safe option because you are discreet. Your loyalty and love for him have been proven. So getting caught isnt a worry. But more importantly that is not YOUR concern. Your concern is getting your life back on track. Block his number. Block his emails. Or if you speak to him ask him tell him you arent doing this anymore and if he ever contacts you again you will know he never really cared for you because if he did, he would allow you to get on with your life. Its really that simple. It doesnt mean he wont miss you or that you wont miss him. But you are on a long train to nowhere as long as you accept his communications and waste precious time wondering about his thought processes. I did that for a long time - what does it mean, is he thinking of leaving blah blah. Its worthless.
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