anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 i'm new to this forum. i just started an affair with my married boss. i'm also in a long distance relationship (althoughthings have not been great for a while). i always knew my married boss liked me but i never thought i would act on this. i think we are both in shock that we let ourselves in this situation (i am alsohis first affair). yet, it is so arousing for both of us that we still make plans to see each other. we have not had sex yet but defenitely having a great time together. i have said to him that whatever we start should end eventually (say in 2 or 3 months) like a fling...i know it's probally unrational or naive to thimk this way but i'm way caught up on the fun we are having at the moment.
TOWinNYC Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Anabel - you're not going to listen to anyone's advice here on LS because it's not what you want to hear. But DON'T DO IT. At the very least, don't sleep with him. But if you do (and you probably will) I'll have to say (and I'm really sorry I have to say this) you're in for a long painful road. I know it starts off "light" and "for fun" but believe me - it'll be horrible in the long run. Trust me and every single person here on this board.
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 i have said to him that whatever we start should end eventually (say in 2 or 3 months) like a fling What did he say? How old are you? i'm also in a long distance relationship (althoughthings have not been great for a while). Might be a good time to end that. Just sayin'. i always knew my married boss liked me Any issues with your job once the "fling" is over? If it ends badly?
bentnotbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Not only have you allowed yourself to intrude on the boundaries of a marriage, you have possibly put your job in jeopardy and certainly your professional reputation. What are you willing to give up for this man? Read this board, go over to the infidelity and marriage boards and read stories of pain and hurt. Read them over and over again. Stampdaddy, heartbroken, kismet, gwen take your pick. There are some people who got the the MM, but even they will probably tell you work and MM as boss = bomb waiting to go off.
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 The job part is not so much an issue as i'm starting grad school this fall. he's about 5 years older. i'm thinking being in a relationship at The moment can keep me from doing somthing more with The MM...like sex. If in was single maybe it would have happened already...of course, as a guy he doesn't have an issue with that as i do.
ThumbingMyWay Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I know you wont listen to what I have to say...but i will say this.... i have said to him that whatever we start should end eventually (say in 2 or 3 months) like a fling... come back in 2 or 3 months and tell us how its going.... i know it's probally unrational or naive to thimk this way but i'm way caught up on the fun we are having at the moment. I garrantee your moments of fun wont be so fun when you return in 3 months.... but if you want to learn the hard way...have at it..
bentnotbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 The job part is not so much an issue as i'm starting grad school this fall. he's about 5 years older. i'm thinking being in a relationship at The moment can keep me from doing somthing more with The MM...like sex. If in was single maybe it would have happened already...of course, as a guy he doesn't have an issue with that as i do. That should tell you a lot about his character. Is that okay with you?
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 thanks for your comments i'm digesting them all .
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 The one piece of advice I'll give, and it's one I didn't take because my MM and I avoided the topic of discussion altogether, but put yourself in his wife's shoes, and if he has children, think of how this will hurt them if his wife finds out and can't forgive him. Do you really want to be a part of the breakup of his marriage/family? My MM is trying to convince me that if he leaves his wife, I am not to feel it's because of me, or "for" me, or my fault in any way, that the problems existed before we began the affair. I'm not so dumb. I'm glad he thinks that way as it is helping him deal with the possible end of his marriage, but we have a long road ahead, and I'm not looking forward to it no matter what happens. Even if we end up together, we have to be discreet because of work, at least long enough so nobody suspects this has been going on all along. There are already rumors. Please PLEASE find other ways to have fun, with other single men, and lose the LDR first. I'm alot older, but you have such a future ahead of you. I've read posts and have seen these go on for years and years, I have given myself a time limit, and only hope I can stick to it.
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 you're probably right, every relationship is fun...at the begining, that's why they start in the first place. i guess i was just curious about engaging in an affair without the falling in love/drama, if one can happen without the other? i wouldnt out my life On hold for this guy. i wouldnt stay home waiting for him to call or anyhing...but still, i cant deny you guys' point
bentnotbroken Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If you look for drama, it will surely find you. And more than not, it won't be what you expected, wanted or imagined. Excitement can be had without the drama.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 you're probably right, every relationship is fun...at the begining, that's why they start in the first place. i guess i was just curious about engaging in an affair without the falling in love/drama, if one can happen without the other? i wouldnt out my life On hold for this guy. i wouldnt stay home waiting for him to call or anyhing...but still, i cant deny you guys' point WTF you are having sex with a married man? Did you think you was gonna do something that wouldnt cause any drama, and your boss none the less!!! Once this get's out your gonna be the laughingstock in your office. People will disrespect you behind your back and to your face, and because your a female. What' makes it sad is that females are always complaining about not moving up in the corporate ladder because others are ruining it for them! Exhibit A ladies and gentlemen. I really hope it was all worth it, digest that.
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 you're probably right, every relationship is fun...at the begining, that's why they start in the first place. i guess i was just curious about engaging in an affair without the falling in love/drama, if one can happen without the other? i wouldnt out my life On hold for this guy. i wouldnt stay home waiting for him to call or anyhing...but still, i cant deny you guys' point In your past, have you had other comparable flings that worked out? Comparable in this case means the same amount of physical chemistry/attraction. So for example, if this current guy rocks you world like no other, than you might not have a comparable example. I know a couple women that can do the FWB thing just fine. I'm not really wired for that myself. I get attached and fall in love if I'm having sex with someone. Yet my friends that are different, loathe attachment. They are very vocal about not wanting relationships. So they keep a couple guys around for flings/FWB relationships and it works okay for them. What's your usual way of being in relationship?
marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Hey do u really care about you job?? about you sanity?? My relationship with ex married boss started just like that..just for fun...just beacuse i like him a lot, just beacase i love him from far for too long...and it got more dramatic than a soap opera!! everything was beautiful for the first few months and then feeling got in the way and responsiblity and guilt and what not...and guess what after two years of an on-off relationship with him i lost my job, my sanity and i have to move to another country to get him away from my life and to get better!! And today i just post how the nightmare still going on for me!!! yes after all this nightmare between us he still after me!!! HE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! yes i moved back a couple months ago to start my life all over again!!! sooo if you want to repeat history just keep going with this affair just for 'fun' and please get in touch with me in 3 months...i have a lot of advised for what to do when dramas unfold!!
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 WTF you are having sex with a married man? Did you think you was gonna do something that wouldnt cause any drama, and your boss none the less!! Once this get's out your gonna be the laughingstock in your office. People will disrespect you behind your back and to your face, and because your a female. What' makes it sad is that females are always complaining about not moving up in the corporate ladder because others are ruining it for them! Exhibit A ladies and gentlemen. I really hope it was all worth it, digest that. im sorry but your comment is so pointless, at least to me, i guess you didnt get The chance to read my original post, we are not having sex. and, im excellent at my job, my temporary job. people talking about me behind my back has never been of any imprtance to me, thanks though. your post has very little to do with my posts.
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Hey do u really care about you job?? about you sanity??to My relationship with ex married boss started just like that..just for fun...just beacuse i like him a lot, just beacase i love him from far for too long...and it got more dramatic than a soap opera!! everything was beautiful for the first few months and then feeling got in the way and responsiblity and guilt and what not...and guess what after two years of an on-off relationship with him i lost my job, my sanity and i have to move to another country to get him away from my life and to get better!! And today i just post how the nightmare still going on for me!!! yes after all this nightmare between us he still after me!!! HE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!! yes i moved back a couple months ago to start my life all over again!!! sooo if you want to repeat history just keep going with this affair just for 'fun' and please get in touch with me in 3 months...i have a lot of advised for what to do when dramas unfold!! thanks for sharing your experience. this is The type of advice i need to let this go.
marytierra Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 annabel i wish someone would have a post like this when i started the affair with my married boss. All i found were stories in general about being with a MM. But this people didn't lost much because they didn't work for the MM. So i didn't pay attention.Please read my story and you'll avoid a lo of pain and being jobless!! ah and let me tell u the sex didn't start until we were together for six months...so it going to happen eventually!! trust me we did everything to avoid it but when there are chemistry and passion ...it bounds to happen how long have you work for him??
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 yes i have had flings that have turned into relationships, and i'm still young but have had serious boyfriends (considered marrying them).
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 i understand you perfectly maryterra. i have worked there for a year. he knows i'm leaving my job after The summer to start grad school.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 LOL you say that now but when the HR department hears about this, dont say I didnt warn you, what happens if this guys wife finds out and comes up there to see you personally? I bet your gonna care just a lil bit then. Nice deflection though. When your laughed outta that office and people cant work with you because your a joke, then you come back and tell me then. Sounds to me like you like the thrill of having an affair and dont care who it hurts. but hey dont come crying if you cant handle it.
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 LOL you say that now but when the HR department hears about this, dont say I didnt warn you, what happens if this guys wife finds out and comes up there to see you personally? I bet your gonna care just a lil bit then. Nice deflection though. When your laughed outta that office and people cant work with you because your a joke, then you come back and tell me then. Sounds to me like you like the thrill of having an affair and dont care who it hurts. but hey dont come crying if you cant handle it. i am in The thrill of the begining. hence, the original post . i'm not cocerned what happens on the job, i'm leaving it. i probably wont be able to handle but i'm still in time to nip it in the bud. dont worry i wont come crying...to you .
wildsoul Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 yes i have had flings that have turned into relationships, and i'm still young but have had serious boyfriends (considered marrying them). I'm going to skip over the other red flags, such as the employeer/employee thing, because everyone else is addressing that already. What I do want to share with you is this hard-earned wisdom: The very worst kind of affair (for you) is one that involves your heart and feelings. Gazillions of OW's come here saying, "Oh, but our relationship isn't JUST about sex," as if that's better. NO. NO. NO. Those are the women who get destroyed by their affairs. Once you fall in love, you're screwed. Love will make you want more of him. Love will make you hope he'll leave his W and choose you. Love will make you willing to wait for him. Love will make you unable to detach and date other guys. Love will make it hurt like you've never been hurt before. Trust me. I've got the bandages to prove it. If you're the kind of girl with a teflon heart, where the adorations of the MM can just slide off the outside and not make you fall in love with him, then maybe you can just have a fling. Do NOT kid yourself about this. Oh, but there sure are a lot of us here who thought we could handle it. Don't play fast and loose with your heart.
Author anabel1980 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 thanks for this advice and sharing your anecdotes. it's very helpful. starting this affair made me realize that i really dont know myself, as i never thought i was capable of this. for this same reason i think that even when i'm determined to not fall in love, what the hell do i know?
OWoman Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Is there a way to keep things light? No, not reliably. Not infallibly. I've gotten it right for years, through many As. But I landed up marrying my last MM because we fell in love. There are no guarantees. Embark on it only if you're prepared for any, or all, of the potential consequences.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I don't think that its so much about "falling in love" with him, in the beginning atleast. You will come to rely on the "excitement" much like someone comes to rely on an evening drink or whatever might you might look forward too to get y ou through the mundane parts of your day. He always has a valid excuse as to why he can't give you more of his time, "more excitement" when you need it. Pretty soon, he holds all of the chips and whether you want to believe it or not, you ARE waiting by the phone for your "excitement". His attentions become what makes you feel good and validated, possibly to the point where the things that given you these feelings before are no longer as important. There is another poster on LS who was continuing her education and the affair ended up taking precedence and causing so much confusion in her life that her grades suffered enormously. Look up KismetGirl, or maybe she will chime in. You're looking at a ton of heart ache for a little bit of psuedo excitment. You'ld be better off buying a crack rock.
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