goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I literally feel I should be the poster child for 'dating fiasco nation' Last saturday I went out with some girlfriends. I naturally ended up losing my phone(3rd time running). I got really frustrated and just at that second I ended up meeting this guy, and he asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he helped me look for my phone and all was well. We chatted a bit, anyways he asked for my number but I accidently gave him the wrong number. Anyways the next morning he tracks me down on facebook and messages me, asking me to call him. I did, and we ended up going for brunch. It was lovely. However based on my prior experiences I am I guess very weary of guys who seem really interested in me and assume they all just want to get some and jump ship. He kept mentioning that he found me beautiful, and couldnt get over what an enigma i was to him(due to my bizarre life story). Anyways following lunch he asked if I had plans, I said no...he wanted to go shopping but weather was terrible so asked whether I wanted to go to the cinema or go to his place to chill. I said sure your place sounds fine(it was like 1 pm). Whilst walking he tried to link arms with me but I froze. Then he tried to kiss me on my cheek while standing in line but again I kind of froze. We went to his where we watched a movie, and he asked me a billion questions about myself and vice versa. He put his arm around me and proceeded to kiss me which I was okay with, but then it became a 'deeper kiss' so I kind of laughed and told him to and I quote' keep you ambitious lips to yourself' GOOD GRIEF! He laughed it off. he then held my hand but I froze, and he asked me if I was shy and I said uh no whilst blushing like a beetroot(man I come across as so confident but minute things get emotionally binding I freeze or become suspicious). He said he was really excited to meet me, and he kept talking about future dates etc...Whilst part of me was so happy to hear him say this, another part was deeply suspicious. I announced I was leaving after some hours of hanging out, and he proceeded to kiss me again, but again I repeated the whole chuckling pulling away thing, and patted him on shoulder saying my my a bit eager or something equally crazy! He said he would arrange for us to meet sometime late this week(he works crazy hours)...AND i went back home. It's tuesday, haven't heard from him yet...I texted him today to say thanks for a lovely day( I feared perhaps I came across as too reserved or uninterested)...but NA-DA no response, tho granted I did text him close to midnight! So ultimately do you think my overt coyness with a splashing of sarcasm +terrible trust issues was a problem here? Man, I don't even know if this post makes sense, but I guess just wanted some perspective...I just don't know how to be myself cause the minute a guy comes close I freeze or don't believe him... Just to add to this, I have dated so many guys within this year. Initially they are ALL extremely taken by me, but three weeks in or so they BAIL! I haven't slept with any of them aside from one.
Shock Me Sane Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 If I were that guy, I would find your behavior pretty off-putting. Why are you "freezing up" at such an early stage? I mean, there's no reason to freak out about kissing. Maybe it's not a good idea for you to jump into going to a man's apartment to watch a movie, when you're not comfortable with the advances that come with such a situation. I definitely think men would read your being tense and unsure of yourself as you being unsure of your interest in them. If you're waiting for a man that will chase you, then continue on with what you're doing, but otherwise... why not try to go with the flow?
Author goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Thank you:) The problem is I get SO flustered. Like if you met me now you would think I was a highly confident girl, very bubbly and rather attractive(hey if I can't be honest in this forum where can I?!) But when it boils down to it, if a guy looks too long in my eyes, or compliments me etc...I get SO flustered and have to look away...and heavens forbid he hold my hand on a first date...I become a statue! Man, I just don't know what the 'flow' is!? How do I go with the flow when the bloody flow goes right over my head! The whole time all I can think when he's telling me he's really excited to have met me, and that he finds me so attractive etc is... 'Just a bunch of lines to get into my pants!' OR my personal favourite 'This isn't gonna go anywhere so I shouldn't get my hopes up' ):
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Erm, I don't mean to be blunt but this guy is way too full on and sounds like a right nob.
Author goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Thanks... I just don't know what to think. How is it possible for me to have met so many men, gone on dates, and have them disppear within the next 3 weeks...its like a freaking pattern! How do other people get into relationships?!
BobSacamento Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 He came on pretty strong. The whole "Wanna come back to my place." is the basic "Wanna come to my place, throw on a movie and fool around in the hopes that it leads to the bedroom?" This is especially if you just met the dude. I don't want to give our secrets away but this one seems so obvious.
Shock Me Sane Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Thank you:) The problem is I get SO flustered. Like if you met me now you would think I was a highly confident girl, very bubbly and rather attractive(hey if I can't be honest in this forum where can I?!) But when it boils down to it, if a guy looks too long in my eyes, or compliments me etc...I get SO flustered and have to look away...and heavens forbid he hold my hand on a first date...I become a statue! Man, I just don't know what the 'flow' is!? How do I go with the flow when the bloody flow goes right over my head! The whole time all I can think when he's telling me he's really excited to have met me, and that he finds me so attractive etc is... 'Just a bunch of lines to get into my pants!' OR my personal favourite 'This isn't gonna go anywhere so I shouldn't get my hopes up' ): Don't be such a pessimist. If you take it slow with a new guy (i.e., not going back to his place), get to know him on a personal level, and after a few dates, he isn't pressuring you for sex, I think it's safe to assume that everything is going well and he respects you. Yeah, that guy was probably a douche. He came on strong, invited you to his place... probably not a good idea for someone like you. Kissing, hand holding, staring, innocent touching... maybe you just need to get used to that stuff? That's normal behavior for the first few dates. Relax and enjoy it.
Author goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Hey you guys, UPDATE ALERT: So he contacts me today and says : 'Hey, friends and I going out this weekend why don't you come and bring your friends along?' I reply: Sounds good,but which day as we're going out on Thurs and Fri He replies: Well we're going to go to place X on Thurs or place Y , and Friday we're going to place Z. What are you guys doing? I reply: I don't really know. Tomorrow we're prob going to place A, and Friday place B He reply: Okay. You and I could go out this weekend too. Do you want to cook together? Also we could do some shopping as you seem like you really know your clothes and I need help:( I reply: I would like that however saturday is no good for me as I have a barbeque to attend, but either Friday or Sunday work! Though I think you guys should come out with us tomorrow evening. He reply: Okay let's plan for sunday then. We could go shopping together and then cook at mine. You culinary skills will be tested:) I know, it's REALLY NOT THE MOST EXCITING OF TEXTS...! But what do you think? Should I go with it? I really liked him from what I gather. A bit geeky , but he seems like a really nice guy? What should I do? I'm thinking since his intial reaction was to ask me to bring my friends and join them, he might potentially not be a seducer I may have painted him in my very VERY distrustful head:S
paddington bear Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Ok, so he's doing the get you back to his place thing again. So whatcha gonna do this time Goldencloud?????!!!!! Have a plan of action ready in your head. Imagine he tries to hold your hand, if that is something you want, imagine yourself over and over being relaxed about it and simply allowing him to do that, likewise with the kissing. That way you've rehearsed these scenarios in your head with a different outcome than normal, so many times that when the reality comes it will be easier for you to respond in a less flustered manner. 2nd plan of action. Avoid the bedroom, avoid the sex. Worst case scenario you get all flustered again and go cold, just say to him 'look I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this, just give me a little more time to feel relaxed around you'. That's kind of cute and sweet but also let's him know that you're not going cold because you don't like him.
Author goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 hehe! i haven't replied yet, but will go ahead with it. actually that line you suggested is fantastic. I guess I can survey the scene for myself this sunday and see what goes down(and stays down!) i think i just need to relax and stop assuming every man i meet is out to just sleep with me. for example he had given me the option of the 1 mainstream cinema, one indie cinema and his place to watch a movie so really i kind of rolled myself into the scene :S I think i just need to get comfortable with light displays of affection, because even when he linked arms with me I just froze, and when he kissed my cheek as we were standing in line, i turned away appalled!!
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Ok, his suggestions for going out with you - Go out with his mates - Go out shopping with him and cook Given that he's been out once with you, this is just, simply, wrong. He should be looking for some time alone with you in a public setting like a restaurant, even a bar, a gig. These are not sensible date suggestions. I would be really wary of this guy.
Author goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Hey Commitment Phobe, Okay so given that I had already agreed to this... How do I dance around the issue now? Won't it look crazy if I text day before or something and go hey how about we go for dinner instead, and do the cooking another day? EEEE!! H-E-L-P How do I do this without sounding psychotic or potentially scaring him away if he didn't mean anything by it...taking into context I am(fool forever) the one who said yes to his place inspite of the 2 other options:S
xpaperxcutx Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Hey Commitment Phobe, Okay so given that I had already agreed to this... How do I dance around the issue now? Won't it look crazy if I text day before or something and go hey how about we go for dinner instead, and do the cooking another day? EEEE!! H-E-L-P How do I do this without sounding psychotic or potentially scaring him away if he didn't mean anything by it...taking into context I am(fool forever) the one who said yes to his place inspite of the 2 other options:S Just text him and ask. If he wants to date you, he wouldn't object. I presume that he does, but the rate that he's going about it is too strong. He should hold back on the kissing from the first date, and should have started with a hug. I previously had two guys came onto me too strongly and I ended the dates feeling awkward. Needless to say I didn't date them a second time. Kissing and intimacy is only reserved for maybe the 2nd or 3rd date. Even going back to his place is a little unsafe if you don't know them. I should know. I made the same mistakes. Luckily I made it out alive.
Kamille Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 How do I do this without sounding psychotic or potentially scaring him away if he didn't mean anything by it...taking into context I am(fool forever) the one who said yes to his place inspite of the 2 other options:S That's the problem: worrying you will scare a man away. You shouldn't ever worry about scaring a guy away. when you start seeing a guy, what you should worry about is keeping your balance, and setting a pace where you will get to know him before you get attached to him. Do things that feel right for you. If you question whether or not you should do something, that likely means things are moving too fast. Don't be afrait to speak up and ask for what you need. It took me a few clumsy tries before I actually felt good about doing this, but now, setting a pace that is right for me comes as a second nature. You'll be amazed how well men respond to this. Plus it means if I do something with a guy it's because I want to - and men love that. One thing that has been said before and cannot be stressed enough: if you do not plan on getting naked, never go into a private space. That way, you don't have to "freeze and fight him off". Plus, I give two thumbs up, way up, to waiting until you absolutely know you want to have sex with a guy before entering a private space. that way, your entire focus can be on ripping his clothes off, not whether or not you're moving too fast. Men love that too. The truth is, if a man scares easy, then you don't want to date him.
Author goldencloud Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 You guys, You have NO idea how invaluable your advice is:) The question now is, how do I text him to rearrange? Should I just be like Hey can we just do shopping and dinner instead, and cooking another time? IS there a better way of phrasing this?
Kamille Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Hey can we just do shopping and dinner instead, and cooking another time? I think it's perfect. It's simple and to the point. There's no need to try and improve it. the important thing is that you are being and you - and that's more then enough.
CommitmentPhobe Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I think it's perfect. It's simple and to the point. There's no need to try and improve it. the important thing is that you are being and you - and that's more then enough. Exactly And agree about the point about "scaring him off", you're the prize, and if he's not man enough to act appropriately he can ship it.
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