The worst mistake I ever made

[SweetyBear]

I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year because I felt neglected and now I know it was the most ridiculous thing ever. I have a history with bad boys. Not really bad boys who beat up women or anything like that, but bad boys who never really grew up, don't hold down jobs, don't stay faithful--things like that. I had made up my mind to find a good man and luckily I did. The problem? He spent/spends so much time at work that we did not spend very much time together. I missed him all the time and thought I would be better off without him than I would be in a relationship where my partner was missing in action more often than not. I talked to him about it all the time to the point where I'm sure he got sick of my complaining about it, yet at the same time he humored me and my insecurities. He loved me and told me he wanted to marry me. He tried to explain to me that work is work and I needed to know that it's not like he was choosing a good time out with the boys over me, but he was choosing his work. I had this idea of what it would be like to be in a truly loving relationship with a truly loving man and he just didn't fulfill it. Honestly, everything else was good. It was just the not spending enough time together and also that he didn't always call when he'd be late. Now it all seems so petty and immature of me. Since we broke up about 5 weeks ago, he has called and responded to me and said that he wants to sit down and talk about what went wrong and how we can fix this so it doesn't happen again. We have not yet had a chance to do so. I'm not sure if it's really because he hasn't had time like he says or if it's because he is still so hurt. Anyway, I'm trying not to push. I guess my main fear is that I complained so much and ultimately hurt him so much that he feels his life is better off without me. He has not said that, so I'm wondering if it's just my insecurities creeping up again. I have serious issues all the way from childhood that I just started counseling to put to bed once and for all. Anyway, I feel I may be one of those women who the guys would advise another guy to just run away from--low self-esteem and trust issues. The thing is, I honestly am trying to work through all of this and a huge reason is because I realized how I sabotaged our relationship because I don't feel comfortable being happy. My boyfriend did everything he could, but I didn't believe him most of the time about the extent of his love and commitment. Now I realize I had no reason to doubt him. Any thoughts on this? Any hope of him coming back to me even though he now knows I'm about 50 kinds of crazy? I should say, too, that I broke up with on the heels of multiple man-bashing conversations with a couple of good friends. They didn't mean any harm, but I honestly believe when I broke up with him, it was based more on their feelings on the matter than on my own. He still says he wants to sit down and talk, but it's been 5 weeks. I know not to push a day and time because I'm certain it will only remind him of all my negativity on the subject of making me a priority before.

[aada713]

hey sweetbear,

 

I no its hurt you right now but nowing your fault is a good start. Learn to identify those, make a list.Write them down on one side of the paper and on the other write a solution to each one. Just work on yourself, I know i sounds cliche, but thats all you can do. Make yourself better, he will notice. If he realy cared about you in the way you describe, then you have a good chance of getting him back. Just dont spook him. Lay it out for him. Say look "this is what i have learned..this is what im working on fixing, and theres nothing that going to change that." You have to make yourself better before anything. But like i said, dont push it.

 

side note: My wife had somone in her ear too that was going through a divorce (man-bashing) and I think that contributed partly to our break up..But you actually give me hope on getting back with her. Knowing theres actually a woman willing to try to fix things .

 

take care

[huck]

From the sounds of things he sounds like a nice guy and nothing unrepairable has happened.. From what youve said you both still want to be with each other too.

 

If I was you id arrange to meet up somewhere - have a big chat about how things can be improved and take things slowly.

 

Its definetly not worth throwing away..

 

Good luck !!

[Dexter Morgan]

*sigh*...women will learn the bad boy lesson someday.....maybe

[skreen23]

This sounds a bit like my sit as well, gf has self esteem issues. If i was you i would explain to your fella whats going on in your head and your desire to make things work. Really hope things work out for you. Hope my gf feels the same way about me.

[SweetyBear]

It's easier to be with a bad boy, I've come to realize, because it can always be their fault. A woman doesn't have to come to terms with her own faults because no matter what, he does much worse in the relationship. It takes a really good man to make you see how much healthier real change can be.

[SweetyBear]

Thanks aada. I hope things do work out for you and your wife. It's great to have girlfriends, but sometimes it does more harm than good to discuss your relationships with them. I think what I realize about that is that I'm in this for my life and my happiness and really, they're only conducting an intellectual exercise when they discuss it. It gets to where as women, you're discussing strategy and how you get your man to do what you want him to. It's not usually suggested that the woman change her attitude about whatever is bothering her. I mean, really, how could I have been so stupid as to think because my boyfriend had to work, it meant he didn't care about me? I did believe it, though, when I broke up with him. I am trying to just let him know I love him and that the door to talk is always open if he wants it, but I'm trying not to push. Pushing on my part was a huge part of the original problem.

[metro]

Wow,after reading the 1st half of this,I actually thought this was my GF writing this. I am the heartbroken victim of this exact scenario. I do work a lot due to having having many responsibilities & not because I want to ignore my gf. She decided to leave me because she said she wanted someone who had a regular 9 to 5. We were together for 2.5 years & lived together for 1.5 .We officially called it quits (at her request) on March 1 & we had to live together for 2 months til I found my own place. It was very painful to leave my home & life with her but I needed to respect her wishes. I tried to offer compromises but she was too far gone & came up with a zillion more reasons why we were incompatible. She doesn't have any other personal passions to do with her life so if she can't spend time with her man after her work then she is bored easily. I can understand her point of view of more quality time but I can't be responsible for someone else because they are bored. I love my ex to death & miss her incredibly but by giving up on the relationship like this & leaving me so heartbroken & actually moving out was a seriously bold move. I've only been gone from the house 2.5 weeks..the only contact we've had was through e-mail & text & it's only about my last month's bills & bits of mail that still seems to arrive over there. She said she feels guilty for hurting me & wants to remain friends but it hurts to much so I prefer NC but since the move was only 2 weeks ago we have had LC. Sorry so long but do you think you'll ever get back with him? perhaps the emotions I am going thru may give you insight on what he's going thru..he may love you & miss you but is scared to fully commit to you since he's already done that & you let him down. It will probably take an incredible amount of losing pride & showing vulnerability to truly win him back fully & show him that you truly appreciate him & don't expect it to happen with one meeting & your back together..you will have to show him over time that you are down for him! I only wish my ex had the same regrets you do.

[SweetyBear]

Thanks so much! It does help to have an idea of how he might be feeling. All I know is that I have regretted it since about two days afterward and have been trying to get him to sit down and talk to me ever since. Things have been extremely busy for him at work, which I believe is true, but at the same time my "old" thoughts creep up that his work is more important than I am to him. I'm really trying hard to keep those thoughts out of my head and just let him have whatever time and space he needs right now. He has not closed the door completely, but he hasn't really made a plan for when we can talk and work things out. He told me he doesn't mind me calling him and I think he's being honest, but at the same time, it feels like we're in such a limbo situation. I do want to do all I can to prove to him how sincere I am and how selfish and immature I've been in expecting him to give me what he can't and then making him feel bad by telling him if he really loved me, he would. Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I was thinking only about my own needs and not about him. Geez! He was the one working all the time and he has a very stressful, public-service-oriented job. Instead of complaining about never seeing him, I should have been seeing how I could support him and help him. It only took two days of being without him for me to realize all of this, so why was I so blind to it during our relationship? Anyway, thanks for all your insight. Do you think I should lay low for a while and let him call me and set up plans to meet? I just don't want to go completely NC and have him think it's no longer important to me.

[metro]

Since this scenario is way too similar to mine. I do realize how selfish this was on her part..she too has been with your description of "Bad Boys" & was so in love with me because she knows I'm not that & for the 1st time in her life she decided to live with a boyfriend, so she may not have realized that living with a boyfriend may be a bit different from dating a boyfriend & since she's never been in a good relationship before,she couldn't appreciate that she was actually in one,even though my hours can get crazy sometimes.she just had these ideals of how it should be so she called it quits,I think that is extremely selfish especially claiming that she still loves me but "love" isn't enough. I think "love" is enough to want to do right by your mate & if you truly love someone..making compromises here & there should make you happy too. No one man or woman is perfect so running to the next mate is not always the right answer as it will only bring something else new for you to compromise & deal with. I respect you for getting real with yourself & admitting your faults..I was never clear in your post if you have truly admitted all of your faults to him but if he seem's to busy to finally talk but he say's you can still stay in touch with him..to me it sounds like he wants you to keep showing you care & so he can be sure that you are not flaky..because having the nerve to end it..you have now broken the original bond which now requires great care to get it back to what it used to be..I would recommend a letter to him getting all of your feelings about what you did to him off your chest just the same way you came to loveshack to get it off your chest & then the ball is in his court & if he can't see the sincerity & appreciate the fact that you regret the mistake 2 days afterwards..then he is working way too much to realize he shouldn't blow his chance to get back with you..all it takes is for him to be aware of what he is doing to damage the relationship,as you already know what you did but he has to be the same way as well & you guys should be good again.

[SweetyBear]

I had someone else suggest a letter also. I wish I had come to my senses before breaking up with him. You're right, though, it is up to me to show him my sincereity and committment now. He is not indifferent to me, but I do think there's more to him not really sitting down and talking for almost six weeks it's been now than just being busy. I think he's just majorly hurt and maybe doesn't think he can trust me now. I hope your girl comes to her senses also and that if she is sincere and really recognizes how she messed up, you will get back together. For almost our entire relationship, I expected my boyfriend to do certain things. It was unrealistic and idealistic of me. It was like I was telling him how he should love me instead of just letting him do it in his own way. So, I see where your girl is probably coming from, but I hope she sees it and doesn't expect all the change to come from you.

[metro]

Thank You..he probably is hurt..I am very nonchalant & unemotional whenever my ex e-mails about my mail still coming to our old house. (The US Post Office is still sending my mail to our old address by mistake) so I keep my e-mails short & to the point & make arrangements to pick it up without having to see her,so she knows I am not her biggest fan but I don't think she will come around,I think she's the type that will try a few more relationships before she can appreciate what we had because she's way too selfish & I've seen selfish traits of her when we first met & even my mother noticed it when she comes to visit,the one who needs to notice it is really her but she doesn't & you recognized your mistake which sets you up to have a better relationship in the future with your ex or with someone new,but that's why I suggest a heartfelt,humble letter to him so you don't have to wait to talk..you'll do better to get everything off your chest in the letter & then it's up to him to recognize what he still has with you..I think it's important for you to swallow your pride in this situation but for only so long though..you made a mistake & you recognized it immediately & you shouldn't have to suffer forever over it. It's ok to be humble for a minute,if he doesn't respond then maybe you can send him another closure letter saying your final goodbye recognizing that it's too late to fix this & begin the healing process to move on..probably after you stop swallowing your pride & you've decided to give up trying to get him back..he will try to finally come around & maybe it will be too late for him..

[SweetyBear]

It won't ever be too late for him. I know that's silly to day. If it goes years, of course, but I certainly hope it doesn't take him that long to realize I'm sincere. I think I'm not going to write that letter for a while. As much as I want to tell him things, I think it's best to wait him out for now. He knows how I feel. I will write to him if he still doesn't contact me in the next few weeks or so. I will give it at least two weeks and then write to him. I just don't want to bombard him since I sent him a bunch of texts the other night and he barely responded.

[Tizzy]

"I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year because I felt neglected and now I know it was the most ridiculous thing ever."

 

SweetyBear, I don't think that what you did was ridiculous or immature or selfish at all. Sounds to me like you followed your gut, which was telling you you weren't happy and to leave. A relationship is a two-way street. You let your man know what you needed but wasn't getting from the relationship and he failed to address that. IMO that shows selish tendencies on his part. And I personally think there is a problem with a mate who works all the time and leaves little for you in terms of time and energy. You make time for the priorities in your life and what/who matters. The fact that he didn't spend enough quality time with you is a serious issue. if it's like that and yall have only been together a year, imagine how much more pissed off you'd be if this stuff went on for several more years. Consider yourself lucky for cutting your losses now.