Author spookie Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 It really matters. So, pre and post-12, how did you view him? Heh. I don't know. I think post-12 me kinda deleted the pre-12 me's memories on that subject. And post-12 me has just been shutting the whole relationship out. I really love him a lot... I was a "difficult" teenager. And when I turned 18 I moved out.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Heh. I don't know. I think post-12 me kinda deleted the pre-12 me's memories on that subject. And post-12 me has just been shutting the whole relationship out. I really love him a lot... I was a "difficult" teenager. And when I turned 18 I moved out.Sooner or later, you're going to have to address this because it might give you some answers as to why something turns on inside you, when men are or become unavailable to you.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 I don't want to use men for validation. Really I don't. You are right though, I do. But I can I avoid doing that if all I ever do is fall hard for people I can't have? Am I supposed to just... not get at all involved with anyone at all? Have zero romantic "experiences" in years and years and years and years....? If you just want to play around with Graham then be honest about it I think its the thing where you were disingenuous(sp) saying you like him a lot was where you went wrong Maybe he picked up on that. Didn't he see that other guy go off and you crying and all that commotion? So he sees you as emotionally unstable (not as in crazy...more as in difficult) You dont have to say you want no strings sex or anything and I don't even know if you want that, but maybe you should have waited a week and then asked him out for a drink
Land Shark Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Am I supposed to just... not get at all involved with anyone at all? Have zero romantic "experiences" in years and years and years and years....? It's not that bad. Don't knock it.
Author spookie Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 If you just want to play around with Graham then be honest about it I think its the thing where you were disingenuous(sp) saying you like him a lot was where you went wrong Maybe he picked up on that. Didn't he see that other guy go off and you crying and all that commotion? So he sees you as emotionally unstable (not as in crazy...more as in difficult) You dont have to say you want no strings sex or anything and I don't even know if you want that, but maybe you should have waited a week and then asked him out for a drink Heh... I never thought about it that way. But you are right. I did just want to play around. Though it's not no strings sex that I want. I'm not cut out for that. I know sex can come out of feelings other than of safety and comfort, but somehow I've lost my ability to enjoy it any other way. (Which, effectively, means I don't enjoy it at all. Kissing makes me cry! Wtf?). I think the stripping did kinda fcvk me up a tad below the surface somewhere. But I did just want to play. The day I spent in his life felt so fresh that I'd just wanted to stay there, explore. Who knows, I'd even thought. He holds my attention. Maybe we'll fall in love, and he will be different than what i am looking for, but gentle, we'll go to concerts together and he'll introduce me to different kinds of music, and he'll listen to music while I write. And maybe we won't agree, and maybe he's not the type of guy I'd normally respect, but maybe that's not going to matter? Maybe my mind needs to be changing in some big way, and it's not what I usually think, which is that I'm not working hard enough. I mean, I'm failing all my own standards. In my heart of hearts I aspire to be a blonde Christian schoolteacher, which is never going to happen. But really like him? No. Not in the want his children, and want to watch dumb shows together fashion. Not the way I can't stop thinking about Jack. Yes, I know it's insane.
Isolde Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Spookie, I think the intent is there but the way you're going about meeting guys is ALL WRONG. It's common to try to get over someone by going for their opposite, which seems to be happening here. But it's almost always a huge mistake. You've made yourself so vulnerable. It's difficult to watch that. But to change you have to actually stop being vulnerable. See, the thing about being unsure of what you want is that it gives you time to stall. It's a comfortable little space you want to stay in forever. But then you realize you really are trapped and outside there are so many other possibilities. I think that's what you saw in this guy. It seems like you got a glimmering of a world outside of Jack. And that's good. But it doesn't change the fact that the way you approach men is only hurting you right now.
Author spookie Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Spookie, I think the intent is there but the way you're going about meeting guys is ALL WRONG. It's common to try to get over someone by going for their opposite, which seems to be happening here. But it's almost always a huge mistake. You've made yourself so vulnerable. It's difficult to watch that. But to change you have to actually stop being vulnerable. See, the thing about being unsure of what you want is that it gives you time to stall. It's a comfortable little space you want to stay in forever. But then you realize you really are trapped and outside there are so many other possibilities. I think that's what you saw in this guy. It seems like you got a glimmering of a world outside of Jack. And that's good. But it doesn't change the fact that the way you approach men is only hurting you right now. How do I approach men? Impulsively and entirely lacking patience, that's for sure. I think this is stemming from some leftover believe in love at first sight, which actually happened to me once, which is why it's so easy to foolishly believe that things HAVE to start out intensely, or else the connection's not there at all... With a vibe of desperation. I come out to play after long periods of reclusion that these very romantic exploits send me into, and only because I've gotten sufficiently lonely or horny. Usually, I am NOT looking... I only look at my worst. When I'm seeking validation, as B4R pointed out Also, I use alcohol to "deal' with how painful it is to have to sit through the boring bits with someone new. I'm not good at the getting to know process. Yah ok, I have behaivioral issues. I sweartogod instead of retracting I'm going to deal with these issues. I am so done pining over Jack. But I don't want to do the crazy drama queen thing either.
Isolde Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Yes! You're finally looking at this more objectively. Good insights. One thing I'll note. You say you get bored at the getting to know you process. See, that process should be at least a little fun. If it isn't, the guy will pick up on that. I agree it makes it hard that your paradigm is love at first sight. I've never had that, so I suppose the process of getting to know guys seems more intuitive to me.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Right now it's okay to act impulsively but one of these days, we all have to learn to move on and grow up. I've been in this forum for a while now, and looking back it's only been recently that I started acting crazy and maniacally over the guy I'm head over heels with. Then I get accused of being psychopathic. Is there no justice? I'm fairly young compared to all the veterans on this forum, and I'll probably always get reprimanded for my behaviour. But at this point, I don't want to change in the sense that I want to stop completely. I just have to learn to deal with things more maturely. I still have a lot to learn, but the way to do that would be by making mistakes. You should too, spookie.
Trialbyfire Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Being impulsive can be fun sometimes. Being impulsive all the time will catch up to you. Also, if you learn nothing from experiences, no one will ever grow up, no matter how old they are.
MN randomguy Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 if you learn nothing from experiences, no one will ever grow up, no matter how old they are. Very wise.
Author spookie Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Right now it's okay to act impulsively but one of these days, we all have to learn to move on and grow up. I've been in this forum for a while now, and looking back it's only been recently that I started acting crazy and maniacally over the guy I'm head over heels with. Then I get accused of being psychopathic. Is there no justice? I'm fairly young compared to all the veterans on this forum, and I'll probably always get reprimanded for my behaviour. But at this point, I don't want to change in the sense that I want to stop completely. I just have to learn to deal with things more maturely. I still have a lot to learn, but the way to do that would be by making mistakes. You should too, spookie. I'm not judging. I'm older than you though, and I've been making the SAME mistakes for years. It's not the thrill it used to be.
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Spookie, lots of what you say I can really relate to. I am extremly impulsive and if I waited to get over the current man of obsession I would never be with anybody. None of the guys that I have dated I liked, and the ones that I really like don't seem to like me. Therefore if I never dated people I didn't like I would have next to zero dating experience. I also tend to be more open to dating when I am at my worst. For example, I still have so much residual sadness over my boss - so I have lined up 2 dates this weekend. Is my heart really in it? No. But the alternative is staying at home and crying myself to sleep. Sigh.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Spookie, lots of what you say I can really relate to. I am extremly impulsive and if I waited to get over the current man of obsession I would never be with anybody. None of the guys that I have dated I liked, and the ones that I really like don't seem to like me. Therefore if I never dated people I didn't like I would have next to zero dating experience. I also tend to be more open to dating when I am at my worst. For example, I still have so much residual sadness over my boss - so I have lined up 2 dates this weekend. Is my heart really in it? No. But the alternative is staying at home and crying myself to sleep. Sigh. I remember when i finally detached from my ex, I was miserable. I was home alone all the time, not wanting to go out, and I started bingeing horrifically. It's only recently that I managed to get my act together and actually see other people. The way I see it is, if I can't take my mind off the past, then I'll turn my attention onto other people just to pass the time.
BlueEyedGirl Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 The way I see it is, if I can't take my mind off the past, then I'll turn my attention onto other people just to pass the time. Exactly. I mean I am open to a genuine connection developing, I just think it's very unlikely to happen. So my main motivation for dating is distraction and to pass the time.
Sibyl Vane Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Just leave Graham alone Spookie. Clearly you scared him off and texting him is too much. If you had slept with him and he was the one texting you would you even be thinking of him? I think not. If they aren't interested, they aren't. Simple as that. Don't waste your time.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Spookie, I think you're in the wrong business. You should be a writer. Your knack for story-telling is obvious. (Just to clarify - by "story-telling," I'm not trying to imply "lying." I feel your story is truth, I just find your writing style fascinating.)
Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Spookie, I think you're in the wrong business. You should be a writer. Your knack for story-telling is obvious. (Just to clarify - by "story-telling," I'm not trying to imply "lying." I feel your story is truth, I just find your writing style fascinating.) I was just about to say to say the same thing. Spook, I just don't have advice to offer you anymore... but you're honestly GIFTED. Please, please... write and SELL it.
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